What does the future hold?

[DoraTheExplora]

I've been married for 20yrs and currently in my 2nd poly relationship. My partner is also married (14yrs) and both spouses are open to other partners. We have only been together for a few months but I'm going down a rabbit hole of what does this look like long term. This is the first time I've had to consider what a poly relationship looks like in a dating capacity, where monogamous dating traditionally heads toward cohabitation, marriage, kids etc. We see each other weekly, are in contact all the time and share nights together monthly but we have no shared space, and no time to just do life together. I'm struggling to see a future with any depth and interested to know how others have experienced this and what a long term poly relationship looks like for you?

 

[Magdlyn]

What you're wondering about is the relationship escalator. You can find some things about it online. It's like a checklist of how much you are integrated with someone. A traditional escalator is meant to be ideally ridden to the top, from the first chat all the way to retirement and death. But when you're in multiple polyamorous relationships, you can figure out between you which floor to ride to.

Here's an example of floors on the escalator; it generally goes something like this:

First contact (irl or on dating app)
Exchanging texts
Talking on phone
First date
First kiss
Going further sexually
Intercourse
Spending the night
Cooking, doing other household chores, running errands together
Meeting each other's friends
Meeting each other's families
Spending a weekend together
Taking a longer vacation together
Moving in together
Merging finances
Making major purchases (furniture, appliances, cars)
Getting a pet together
Buying a house
Having and raising children
Making retirement plans (financial plans, travel, etc.)
Eventual retirement

So, you can see that if you have more than one partner, you're probably not going to do all these things with more than one person. Some people do have children by more than one partner... but generally poly people do not actually live full-time with both partners.

You can be quite committed to a partner without riding the escalator all the way to the top with them.

Here's another escalator explanation:

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for

 

[kdt26417]

Hi DoraTheExplora,

I take it you're pretty solidly attached to your nesting situation, that is you and your partner won't be moving in together, you each have your own families and it's going to stay that way. I assume you won't have kids with this partner, you will have to exercise some kind of birth control to prevent that from happening. If you choose to keep dating this partner, you'll have to see them as your "partner away from home." That doesn't mean you can't have deep discussions with them, it just means your living situations will continue to be separate.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.