What is actually happening?

[Needtoknow]

So, at one point, my wife told me that I was not doing it for her in the bedroom. But it confused me, because everything was fine before that, or she never mentioned it once before. She didn't mention it until after a year and a half of being married.

Then we tried having another person come into the mix, to see if it would work. My boundaries here were that I would be in the room with them, because I just want to make sure everything was going well with them, and also I wanted to see my wife get what she needed. Now, whether it was the guys, or strictly just my wife, I don't know, but it didn't seem like it was working. But yet, they they wanted other partners, and they wanted to do stuff with other people. I know this cuz they did it on their own twice.

The only difference about when they did it on their own was, I wasn't there, obviously.

After the two times where she did it on her own, I became a little mentally unstable, because I couldn't figure out what my wife was really wanting. I tried everything. I tried to be there for them, emotionally and physically, and every other way. I tried to find her a hotter, more attractive guy, you know? But it's like, no matter what I do, they are not happy about my wanting to try to find ways to make her happy. Like either with other people or by doing certain things.

I'm very confused, especially since she said she was poly, right after the two times where she was on her own. So I'm very confused about what my wife actually wants. She doesn't really talk to me about that kind of stuff. She hasn't answered any of my questions when it came to why she did things on her own, and what she is currently thinking and feeling.

I'd like to ask any of the women here to give me some input so I can possibly like figure out what to do, and what not to do, because after the two times on her own, and me not getting any answers, we separated for a little bit and tried to make it work again. We're separated again. She's just been angry and ignoring me and not wanting to talk about anything. I just don't know what what's going on. But every time I try to talk about our relationship and stuff, it seems like she's really going after other people. She doesn't talk to me about it, but I get the feeling that's what she's doing. I'm not sure, though.

 

[Needtoknow]

I forgot to add one thing before we got married she said that she just wanted us to be monogamous with each other and I was probably before she got married to me like I was that's what I did right and I decided to go monogamous for her and then later on she changes her mind and says she's probably and that was like right after she cheated twice

 

[LoveBunny]

As a woman, I cannot speak for your wife, because I value different things from your wife. Things like good communication, honesty, closeness & togetherness.

Maybe she doesn't know what she likes sexually & she's experimenting. Maybe she doesn't really want to be partnered, she wants to do what she wants, when she wants, with whoever she wants. Maybe she is just a self-involved, emotionally immature person who can't tell her husband she wants out of her marriage. Maybe she has told you but you told her you'd do anything to keep her. I don't know.

Instead of hoping random internet women can help you figure out your wife, perhaps a better strategy would be for YOU figure out why you're putting up with someone who won't communicate, is not happy with you, doesn't seem to want to be with you sexually.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Needtoknow,

My best guess is that your wife wants to fool around with other guys, but she does not want you to be in the room when she does it. The bad news is, your marriage is on the rocks, and she is not talking. I fear she's already given up on the marriage. And I fear that she has some deep-seated grudge against you, and that she does not want to tell you about it. Without two-way communication, the marriage can't be saved, and you can't make her talk. All you can do is plead with her, "Please, honey, talk to me."

One strategy I don't think can be sustained, is looking for other guys for your wife. She needs to do that herself. And I can't tell whether she's willing to do that herself. It's almost as if you doing the looking for her, is a way to punish you for whatever grudge it is that she holds against you. And I could be totally wrong about that. The truth could be simply that she has lost interest in you. In which case, it could be that she's not talking because she doesn't want to hurt you with that information.

I wish I could be of more help,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

after the two times on her own and me not getting any answers, we separated for a little bit and tried to make it work again. But then we're separated again. Since then, she's just been angry and ignoring me and not wanting to talk about anything. I just don't know what what's going on. But every time I try to talk about our relationship and stuff, it seems like she's really like going after other people. She doesn't talk to me about it, but like I get the feeling that's what she's doing. I'm not sure, though.

I could be wrong in my impression. From this and from your intro? I think you two are heading for a divorce. She sounds checked out or checking out.

You sound like you are in anticipatory grief over it. Could that be true?

I tried to find her a hotter, more attractive guy. But it's like, no matter what I do, they are not happy about my wanting to try to find ways to make her happy, either with other people, or by doing certain things

It's not your job to find her guys to date/share sex with. She can deal with her dating life on her own. I encourage you to step back from that entirely. You deal with your dating life. She deals with hers.

I'm very confused especially since she said she was poly right after the two times where she was on her own. I'm very confused about what my wife actually wants. She doesn't really talk to me about that kind of stuff. She hasn't answered any of my questions when it came to why she did things on her own, and what she is currently thinking and feeling.

Were you already doing an open marriage? I could be wrong, but it kinda sounds like she stepped out and cheated on agreements.

Since she's not giving clear info when you ask questions, have you asked her "Is it that you want to break up? You want to pursue poly dating other people who are not me?" Point blank? Like, just put the cards on the table PLAIN, even if it feels scary or hard?

Just because she says she is "polyamorous," that doesn't automatically mean she wants to date you anymore. She might want polyamory with other people. Group sex/voyeurism is not a requirement in polyamory. Polyamory means "many loves." One might date more than one person/partner/GF/BF. That doesn't mean they want to share group dates, group sex, or agree to have people in the room watching them have sex.

I don't know if you and wife are using the word "polyamory" in the same way. But I'm sorry. This isn't easy.

Galagirl