What shall I say now?

D

Delilah

New member
Hi people. I'm Delilah and have been on an open relationship for almost ten years. I've always loved him, but he didn't feel the same way. So when he said all he could offer me was this, I accepted. It was good. He had another dates, I didn't. But I have no complains. The thing is I had to move away for two years and I felt the only reason we kept in touch was because I insisted. So when I came back this year and found out he was serious with someone else for more than 10 years, I ended up things with him for good. I still like him, but I don't want to be anyone's mistress... If he can be serious with someone else and not with me it says everything, doesn't it? But after six years of no contact, he came after me... He said he was never with someone else, and said he miss me and wants to see me. :eek: I said I knew he was living with someone and that I won't be the person who disturbs his marriage. BUT then he said: I am not living with anyone. Everything is as before and I didn't know why you disappeared but I get it now. I am not married to anyone (at least not yet).

SERIOUSLY? Not yet? What does it mean? I don't want to have false hopes, but I am afraid to ask it too... What shall I do? I have no idea......... =/ He always said he doesn't believe in marriage... Did anything changed? Or is it only something to get laid?
 
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I'm having trouble following your timeline.

You say you've been in this relationship for almost 10 years.

You say you were away for 2 years and came back *this* year.

You say he was serious with someone else for 10 years.

You say there were 6 years of no contact.

I'm mostly confused as to how you were gone for two years and just found out this year that he had a relationship with someone else, but you and he had no contact for *six* years?

Also, you say you found out he'd been in a relationship with someone else for ten years, but that he says he was never with someone else. How did you "find out" about this other relationship? Which source do you believe more, the one that told you he was in another relationship, or him telling you he wasn't?
 
Oh... We were together for 10 years, in which the last two were long distance. After the 10th year, which is 2014, I came back to my hometown and found out he had been with this other girl (who lived abroad but now was living here with him). I know he was serious with her because his mother told me. She even showed me pictures of them in Paris with all his family and whatever.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it right, ok? You correct me if I am wrong in places. Blue is mine where I have questions or am not clear.

PAST

  • I always loved Guy and wanted (a committed Closed relationship) with him. He did not feel same. (Open relationship) was all he could offer me. I accepted (in order to be with him hoping that over time he would agree to Close?)
  • He continued to date, and I only dated him. We were together that way for almost 10 years.
  • I moved away so for the last two years of it. I maintained LDR with him. He says never knew why I "disappeared." (Why not?)
  • It was mainly me keeping in touch in that time. I resent that he didn't make more effort there. (Why didn't he make more effort?)

PRESENT
  • I moved back this year.
  • I found from his other GF's mother that they are living together and "serious." (I am upset he left that info out?)
  • I envy that he could do that with her and not with me.
  • I broke it totally off then, no contact at all.
  • Now he's come after me hot and heavy. Wanting us to date again.
  • He says he isn't living with anyone and he isn't married to anyone yet. (Unspoken: I am not sure how much I trust his Word since he left things out before. I do not know what this means.)

CONCERNS

  • I am scared he's telling me whatever just to get laid.
  • He doesn't come out and say it clearly, but I think he wants me to be his bit on the side until he marries his fiancee.
  • I know I don't want to be a mistress.
  • I know I do not want to be the one to break up his engagement/marraige. (i.e.: cheating mistress?)
  • If they break up from other reasons? I don't know that I want to date him again in Open relationship wondering if he's going to pick me to marry eventually
  • I don't know if he's really changed his mind about not believing in marriage or if that's his schtick to string me along
  • (Unspoken: I am seeking a committed/closed type relationship with someone. I do not think he is it. <-- are you thinking this?)

Is that in the ballpark? If so? Since this is not sounding like a "joyous yes" right now? I think that...

  • You could seek more data -- You could ask him to clarify his new offer and determine if you are up for it or not.
  • You could bow out now because it feels less than joyous now. Nothing he offers would interest you because what he ultimately wants (open or open marriage?) does not match what you ultimately want(closed marriage?)

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Delilah, thank you for clarifying. I'm still not understanding where the six years of no contact comes in?

And if his mother not only told you he was serious with someone else but showed you photographic evidence, why are you considering believing him when he says he wasn't serious with anyone else? It seems pretty undeniable that he was.
 
The timing works if she meant six months of no contact, starting when she returned this year and "ended things", and ending recently with his contacting her.

Also the period of disappearance would be that same six months (when she did not contact him).

Otherwise, I'm lost, too.
 
Yeah, I was also thinking it was six months. (Delilah, if you could confirm/clarify)

It kind of seems like this guy isn't very honest, so I am leery about you getting back together with him. GalaGirl posed some excellent points/questions in the blue print and I think you should see how you'd answer. (Even if you don't post your answer you can still think about it.)

Re (from OP):
"Re:
'I am not married to anyone (at least not yet).'
Click to expand...
*Seriously?* Not yet? What does it mean?"
Click to expand...

It could mean all kinds of things. It could be a hint that he wants to marry you, or maybe he just wants you to think he'll marry you, kind of like dangling a carrot from a stick in front of you. Or it could mean, "Well I'm sure gonna marry *someone,* so if you want it to be you you'd better hurry and get in line."

I'd like to think it just means the simple truth, but I'm afraid it means he's playing your mind like a toy, and that makes me a little ill.

You could talk with him a little more, tell him you need good reason to trust what he says, but I'd be really careful at this point and tend to back away from him. Surely there's some other guy out there who you could count on.

Sorry you are in the grips of this painful dilemma.
 
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