What should I do? LDR, complicated

[Inyourendo]

What you are saying is understandable. Since you live with your parents, I'm not surprised they've had to meet C. It's very positive that you plan to tell them eventually once you've moved out, and that you will be able to do as you please when that time comes.

It's also great that all of your friends know about him. It doesn't sound to me like he's any less important to you; just that you're in a bind until you can move out.

I live in the Midwest and haven't had any issues being openly bisexual, poly or atheist. I don't think that is a valid excuse at all.

 

[IndieSolo]

I think that the biggest problem you have is this idea of "global fairness" you've somehow latched onto. The notion that, just because M is seeing two men she has to monitor her actions, words, and affections to make sure everything is doled out "fairly" (which is rather subjective) and that both men need to be treated the same, will create all sorts of difficulties for her and will only set you up for disappointment. It is an impossible task.

What happens when one of the two men has a shift in what he needs, or the dynamic in one pair changes? Is she supposed to adjust how she relates to one guy, based on how she relates to the other? That's just stupid. You are both two different people, with diifferent personalities, needs, and desires. Worry about your own relationship with her, without comparing it to her other relationships. You're not in those, anyway, so your view of any other relationships she has will be distorted by your judgements.

But I guess if you want to play the role of the high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass boyfriend, go ahead I just don't see that course as being beneficial to either one of you.

 

[LovingRadiance]

*Check your privilege* (message to self) I am glad I do not live with my parents. It's been 25+ years since I lived with them. So I will happily acknowledge that consideration didn't actually cross my mind in this thread.

A few thoughts:
Do you have a plan for when you are moving out (after school, after saving a specified dollar amount)? If so, are you working on that proactively in a way that could help D see the progress more clearly?

I ask this because, for me, if I know something is coming, even if it's out there (like moving in 2017 when I graduate), and I can tick off the steps, that really helps with insecurities, frustrations, etc., in the heat of the moment, when they arise.

This may be something you can really work on with your partners so that they can see that progress in the hard moments.

It's awesome that you are out to friends. Is it possible that you could help D become more intricately woven into your social group, even though he's distant at the moment? So that your friends could also be his friends? I find that one of the things that really helps me in moments of feeling unsure in my marriage is the ability to call my father-in-law or brother-in-law ON MY OWN to talk or hang out. Just having my own link to that social network helps me feel connected, even when Maca is unavailable.

Likewise, going to school with GG's best friend, seeing him in class, talking, etc., helps me feel connected to GG, even through difficult times. I live with both of my guys, but it's still very helpful.

Maybe being able to become more involved (even if online or when visiting) with your social group, could help him feel more involved in your life, especially if he's going to move there. He won't know anyone else. That could be a good "in" to meeting people he likes, even if they are friends of friends of friends.

Are the guys interested in getting to know each other better? Is it possible (as friends) they could make plans to have some "guy time" to hang out when D is there, or talk online/on the phone or anything? Play an online video game? Something to increase their social interaction?

As for why I haven't introduced D to my family...I live in a rather conservative area of the Midwest, and I currently live with my parents. Also, my parents had never met D before and I suppose it would've brought up questions I really wasn't ready to answer for them. I know already that my parents aren't exactly supportive of open marriage/relationships ("if you ever get a 'friend'...I don't want to know"). I would love to be able to tell them, and I plan to, but I feel it's something they need to be eased into.

They'd never met D before, given how far away he is. To suddenly bring him over and say "this is my boyfriend - I have two" would not have ended well. Granted, I regret not at least introducing him to them. I am also an only child, so I know my parents are fairly protective.

As for why they know about C... I'm fairly private, I tried to call him "just a friend" for as long as I could.

When I finally get the chance to move out, this will all change, and I'll have more freedom concerning what I feel I can tell them. And I'm not going to hide D forever. That's just rude. But I just need to ease them into it.

I would like to mention that at least 50% of my work colleagues and 100% of my friends know that I'm poly and know about both D and C. It's not like I hide D otherwise. It's only to my family, and mainly because I still have to live with them.

 

[Hecate]

I live in the Midwest and haven't had any issues being openly bisexual, poly or atheist. I dont think that is a valid excuse.

I live further south than you. I've got some serious Bible Belt going on. I'm still suspicious that I got fired from one job for saying I was agnostic/atheist. The day after that came up, I was asked not to come back.

Anyway, I know my FAMILY is fairly conservative.

 

[Inyourendo]

I live further south than you. I've got some serious Bible Belt going on. I'm still suspicious that I got fired from one job for saying I was agnostic/atheist. The day after that came up, I was asked not to come back.
My FAMILY is fairly conservative.

Well, he's a big boy, and probably went into this knowing that he would be your dirty little secret. If you can't be out to your family or work (presumably), then D really can't complain about it now, because clearly this is what he signed up for. C can be your public partner. You can keep D under wraps. Although if I were you, I would probably have him remain long distance, seeing the amount of deception you have to do to keep your relationship secret.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PolyCouple2013 and Hecate,

My suggestion is for the two of you to set aside the time to identify each and every one of the "imbalances" PolyCouple2013 sees in comparison with C. PolyCouple2013 has said in this thread that he has only given a couple of examples, and that there are more. The two examples he mentioned (introducing him to the family and spending time with him without contacting C) have now been addressed (or you are working on addressing them). PolyCouple2013, you should give Hecate a complete list of the imbalances that have been troubling you, and ask Hecate to explain/address each one. If you choose to have that exchange here in this thread, perhaps the various forum members here can act as a sort of collective mediator for you. Or you can conduct that conversation privately, just between you and Hecate.

It's possible that the imbalances you're seeing are the combined result of LDR and NRE working in concert. Sometimes people with NRE don't even realize when they are "second-placing" their original partner, and then when they do realize it there is that LDR factor, making it all the harder to balance things out equally. So rather than assuming (or feeling like) Hecate is second-placing you on purpose, tell her exactly what's making you feel second-placed (Give her the complete list, above and beyond the two examples you gave so far here), and discuss each item individually with her. Find out (from her) why she's doing whatever she does, and negotiate with her for some kind of compromise that you and she can both live with. Do that separately for each item on your (complete) list. Perhaps divide the conversation up into a series of (shorter) conversations.

Since you have both posted here wanting to know what to do, I am taking that as a sign that you both love each other and want to keep each other in each other's lives. So keep that in mind as you move forward from here, and as you have the conversations with each other that you need to have. It's easy for the imagination to run wild and assume the worst. Don't let that happen. Talk every little thing out patiently, clearly, and concretely.

I will try to do my part to help as we continue working on things via this thread. Hang in there guys.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

My suggestion is for the two of you to set aside the time to identify each and every one of the "imbalances" PolyCouple2013 sees in comparison with C.

If you choose to have that exchange here in this thread, perhaps the various forum members here can act as a sort of collective mediator for you. Or you can conduct that conversation privately, just between you, D, and Hecate/M.

We are discussing these things. I will try to share some of the "imbalances" here. I hope M does, as well.

It's possible that the imbalances you're seeing are the combined result of LDR and NRE working in concert. Sometimes people with NRE don't even realize when they are "second-placing" their original partner, and then when they do realize it there is that LDR factor, making it all the harder to balance things out equally.

I think you are right, as both are probably playing a factor (LDR more from my perspective) in the problems M, C, and I face right now. However everyone has made so many valid points so far, some positive, some, not but all, important to take into account. While moving is my choice, I am choosing to postpone it due to the "imbalances," and now also because of a few other points people have mentioned, such as M getting her life more in order, moving, and being more open with my involvement in her life, to name a few. While this wait may pain me, it seems to be the best thing to help build a more solid foundation for our relationship to build on.

I do like the idea of being introduced into M and C's network of friends (friend of a friend idea),as this will help whenever the trigger is pulled on the final move.

Since you have both posted here wanting to know what to do, I am taking that as a sign that you both love each other and want to keep each other in each other's lives. So keep that in mind as you move forward from here, and as you have the conversations with each other that you need to have. It's easy for the imagination to run wild and assume the worst. Don't let that happen. Talk every little thing out patiently, clearly, and concretely.

Yes, we do share the desire and love to be active in the other's life. However, we are still both very new to the complicated world of polyamory and it helps to get guidance, even if it is just a fresh perspective, from those who have been, or are currently in an open relationship.

So thank you again, all of you, for your help, as we continue to work through things.

 

[kdt26417]

I am glad to be of help (as I'm sure everyone is on this thread so far). It's always a relief knowing you can tap into the perspectives of people with a good amount of experience. I've been poly for 8+ years and while I still feel like a beginner, I'm eager to help others if I can.

I understand your thinking on delaying your move. I imagine it would be a hard course of action to reverse once you set it in motion. So it is wise to work on getting your "relationship ducks" in a row before committing to that.

I'll definitely be following this thread and will try to pipe in with any thoughts or advice you need.

Regards and well wishes,
Kevin T.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

Here is an update on things: M and I have chosen to go our separate ways, due to the situation M is in. We still care for each other, but see it cannot work out. We have parted as friends. I wish M and C the best in life.

I hope this thread helps others who find themselves in similar situations. I wish them better luck in their situation than I found myself.

Thank you once again to everyone who posted, for all your great advice.

I wish everyone the best in the complex world of many loves. Hopefully I will be back in that world again soon.

 

[GalaGirl]

Though I'm sorry things did not work out. I'm glad to hear it was a good parting. Best wishes.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, sorry it did not work out. Sometimes these things are for the best.

 

[Inyourendo]

It's really good that you recognized there your needs weren't being met and not settling for scraps. I'm sure it took a lot of strength to give her up, but now you know that you would be wasting your time with her when you deserve better.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

It's really good that you recognized there your needs weren't being met and not settling for scraps. I'm sure it took a lot of strength to give her up, but now you know that you would be wasting your time with her, when you deserve better.

Yes! Scraps!! That is the perfect word to describe what I felt was going on. For awhile I thought of the word "replaced," but that never sat well with me, as M did say she loved me (but I see now her actions did not match the words).

Before C was brought in, M and I never had any problems meeting each other's needs. Even when it was just L, M, and me, everyone had their needs met (as best as an LDR allowed). However, when M's needs were being met by someone else, mine took a backseat, not just in priority, but in just being met in general.

Despite all that has happened, I do hope things work out between M and C. My main worry is when M tries to bring another into their relationship and what happened to me happens to their new partner, or worse, C experiences the hell I went through. I don't think M has a strong concept of what a healthy poly relationship is, but also how to conduct a healthy one between all involved with her.

I know I had my own problems, the main one being the problem with viewing things through a comparative lens. But I think being fed the relationship table scraps magnified my comparative nature. I feel this was the case, and I hope it was for not only me, but anyone else who may have a similar problem, and why they too are having comparative issues.

In the end, with M, our intimacy was almost non-existent. I felt like I was nothing more than a glorified friend. I hope no one else has to go through what I did, but if they find themselves in a similar situation, my advice would be to take a step back, therapeutic separation if necessary, and reevaluate the situation.

If you see that you are being fed scraps, then your partner is not only not respecting you, but they may not even be practicing polyamory. As painful as it sounds, my advice to them for their own health and sanity is to leave, or end the relationship. It will hurt, but Love is infinite, and if someone truly loves you, they will show it in everything they do. With all this infinite love floating out in the world, they will find someone else who will love them as they deserve.