What to do?

[Laluna]

I'm just looking for advice on whether or not it seems feasible to attempt a poly relationship with my ex.

History: Cooper and I have been together 3 years in a mono relationship. We have a 5-yr old daughter. I recently broke up with him in search of more freedom and to prove my independence to myself. i love him, and because of our daughter, need to maintain a good relationship with him.

I am moving state to study and will be living 4 hours away. We have agreed to a poly relationship, but he seems reluctant to talk about this and establish boundaries. what i have got out of him is that I can potentially see other people, if that is where my new life leads, but he needs to be eased into this and will require a lot of prepping. he is accepting of me having relationships with females, but finds the thought of me being with another male very threatening. I may not have any kind of relationship with any male he knows.

He says that if i have a relationship with someone else, he will be hurt, and will do the same himself. i encourage him to have other relationships, as i feel it will take the pressure off me a bit, and stop him pining over me, but he only seems to consider it as retaliation.

The other big issue is i HAVE been in love with another male, Finley, for several years. He is a friend to both of us. for most of our relationship i put him out of my mind and refrained from seeing or speaking with him. then about 6 months ago, Cooper invited him around for the night. this spun me out completely, as all the feelings I'd been trying to block out for years hit me full force. i was overcome with guilt for what i was feeling, as I was in a mono relationship, and anger and sadness at being made to choose one over the other.

I told Cooper how i was feeling, that it hurt me to feel this way, but that it wouldn't change anything about our relationship, and that i wasn't leaving him. a few days later, i went to see Finley, to try and purge all my built-up emotions by speaking with him about it. i thought if i had some sort of resolution it would help me from being overwhelmed by such feelings again.

I love both the men in my life, but neither is suited to me as an ideal life partner. One offers stability and a child, but worships me too much and is too possessive. the other is just a downward spiral of self-loathing and depression, full of suicidal tendencies, a raging alcoholic and a cheater.

I struggle to see how someone who does not love themself could ever love me. i want to help him and spend time with him, especially since I'm moving away, but i wont commit to someone this self-abusive.

Unfortunately, my openness about my feelings has backfired, and the only way Cooper can continue a relationship with me is if i do not see the Finley unsupervised. i do not need to have a sexual relationship with him, but i would like to speak with him alone and help him through his issues.

I've promised to tell Cooper if i plan on seeing Finley again. but if i tell him, it will end everything we currently have. whilst Cooper talks openly about planning to see Finley frequently.

Cooper also admitted yesterday that throughout our relationship he has had feelings for other people, but would never conceive of telling me, as it seems fruitless to him to risk hurting me when he's not going to act upon his feeling. i am incapable of that, as it seems a deception to me. but it seems like he's saying i shouldn't have told him how i feel about Finley, as i wasn't going to act upon it, either.

I don't know if it's worth continuing this relationship, as i don't know for sure if he can handle the poly thing or if Cooper even wants to, or if he's just jumping at any chance to have me, but will come to resent me for being unable to give him everything he wants. he hates talking about this stuff, as he views every disagreement we have as an argument.

 

[IndieSolo]

If you already broke up, why does Cooper get to dictate whom you can have relationships with? Did you split up or not?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I don't know if it's worth continuing this relationship, as i don't know for sure if Cooper can handle the poly thing, or if he even wants to, or if he's just jumping at any chance to have me, but will come to resent me for being unable to give him everything he wants. he hates talking about this stuff, as he views every disagreement we have as an argument.

It doesn't sound like either relationship is healthy for you. That means they are also unhealthy for your child, who will be in that environment. Children see and understand far more than most grown-ups give them credit for.

Cooper: it sounds like he has the makings of a polyamorous person, but was raised in a mono society and buys into all the propaganda associated therein. That he has had feelings for other people shows that he may be inherently poly. That he believes those feelings are only going to hurt you shows both his insecurity and his mono upbringing. Both insecurity and brainwashing can be remedied, but usually depend on the person wanting to change. It doesn't sound like he's ready and willing to do that, but I could be wrong. At any rate, he has to change himself. You cannot change him.

Finley: I would stay away. I'm not sure why you thought telling him you had feelings for him would make those feelings go away. Usually that makes them "more real," and also allows the other person to feel safe returning those feelings. It may be too late to return to "just friends" and be in a position to help him through his issues. Also, does he want help? Is he working at recovering from alcoholism, self-abuse and self-hate? If not, then you will not be able to help him through his recovery. Again, this falls under "you can't change someone else."

Overall: My experience is that polyamory is never a "solution" to anything. If there are problems in any relationship, polyamory will magnify them and blow them out of proportion, rather than fix them. If Cooper is insecure and possessive, then polyamory will majorly amplify both of those characteristics. If Finley is an alcoholic self-hater, then polyamory can lead him to drink more in order to "cope" with the jealous feelings that will arise.

Final thoughts: I agree that having a good relationship with Cooper, the father of your child, is important. That doesn't necessarily mean a romantic relationship. Often, if the romance has gone sour, then the chances of having a healthy relationship are improved by letting go of the romance and focusing on the co-parenting role.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Anyone who says they would form a new relationship in "retaliation" against you, and who refuses to communicate cannot, in fact, "handle the poly thing." I think SC's suggestion to just co-parent but not date is a great one.

 

[redpepper]

I don't get whether you have broken up or not, either.

I'm going to assume that you are trying out poly to see if it works, but from the other side, of having broken up, and gotten back together to try this out. I think I would just tell Cooper that you will see the Finley as you choose, and if it is a struggle for him, then he doesn't have to be with you anymore as a partner, and you would be willing to work out child custody. If you are broken up with him, then you are free to do as you choose, I think.

If you were still together, then I would suggest going slowly, making sure that every step of the way, the change from two to three is a tolerable, in terms of adjustment and the pain and threat it can cause. Dating and partnering up with people one knows is actually a better idea in terms of feelings of being threatened for a male partner attempting to overcome the concerns and threats of a partner falling in love with someone else. I know it seems more threatening, but actually knowing the person is really helpful, as it takes the threat away. It does the reverse of what is expected.

Not knowing the person one's partner is with means an image of that person is built up in one's mind, and often it is that image that is threatening, rather than the person themselves. Besides, it's good policy, I think, to know one's metamours. Don't ask don't tell (DADT) policies in situations like yours usually destroy a relationship, rather than create a stronger one.