What would you do in this situation?

[GSAS082612]

I have already made the point clear that I am not leaving the relationship I am in. But I will give you background information for you to understand what position I am in.

I am in a poly-fidelitous relationship with a married couple, Samantha and Glenn. There is a trail of infidelity in their past. They share a child and have another one on the way.

In the beginning, Glenn cheated on Sam with his ex-wife. He cheated on her 2x early on in the relationship. Sam fired back by sleeping with a guy she barely knew. He again cheated about 6 weeks after their daughter was born. Sam didn't find out until 3 months later, then proceeded to marry him 4 months after finding out. (She naively expected the situation to change.)

Sam has cheated frequently, as well. Since his mistake, Glenn been has been faithful and remorseful. Sam was very angry after finding out. But nothing happened within that time. It wasn't up until early this year, before I was involved, that she cheated. She slept with her co-worker, and then her ex-boyfriend, 4 months later, while they were married. She proceeded to have a relationship with her ex, while being married, without Glenn knowing. Glenn only found out about her ex at the time. She admitted reluctantly to one time. He found it equal, and dealt. But when he found out she cheated with her ex another time, she tried to hide it, and only admitted to it after being forced.

Anyway, he asked to know everything. She hid the one time with her coworker because she was "protecting" him. He just found out on Christmas about the coworker thing (a day before our 4-month anniversary).

He's distancing himself and isn't sure if he can trust her or stay anymore. She and I both had his heart and she just dropped it and it shattered, despite my faithfulness and honesty. There is no guarantee that he can stay with us. If he leaves her, he leaves me too. I am willing to fight for him, but he has to give me the chance.

I am not sure how to approach this situation. The idea of leaving is far from my mind. I love Glenn with all I have. I've made it clear that if I lose Glenn because of Sam, I will never forgive her. I know it's between the three of them, but I'm affected by this too.

What do I do? How do I deal? How should I do this? How should I approach him?

 

[eternallygreatful]

Working through the pain

The question is going to be: do you believe that the infidelity is over and that things in the relationship can get better? Even if Glenn decides to stay, he is going to have a lot to deal with emotionally. The decision to stay will be so much more painful than a decision to leave. Will you be able to give him the time and support that he will need from you?

The biggest problem in healing from infidelity is processing the pain. Many people can't think of anything else. If you are able to handle some of his need to deal with his emotions on his own, then think about what he needs and act accordingly. He may not be ready to be approached about the situation yet. You have to tell him how much you sympathize with his predicament, and that you will listen whenever he needs you to.

This relationship seems to have a lot of emotional baggage behind it, but if you are willing to put in the effort to make it work, then go for it and focus on what he is experiencing.

 

[IndieSolo]

They both sound very immature and passive-aggressive. Neither one of them would be worth my time or energy. DTMFA (in this case, both of them).

 

[LovingRadiance]

Beyond the childish behavior on both their parts, I would leave on the grounds that they are much too immature to handle any romantic relationship appropriately.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am very sorry you are going through this. I answered you in your other thread. In this one, I voted for "Tell them how you feel," since you are unwilling to leave at this point in time.

Keep your tolerance limit in mind. Keep it real over there. If you are actually at your limit (and your posts sound like you are) and you have told them how you feel, and what changes you need to feel safe, and they still do nothing to right the wrongs, bail. If you have to jump ship to save yourself, really do it!

You deserve to be treated well and with respect. Your love is a gift, and if these people are trashing that gift and not treating you respectfully, not treating you with loving, kind behavior, walk away from the sinking ship of bad treatment.

Put your own oxygen mask, on since nobody else here will give you any air.

You have worth, dignity and value, even if you are being poorly treated right now. Remember that.

 

[paradigm]

I agree with leaving, for one reason: inconsiderate bullshit.

Even if you were in, say a V, your relationship, your actions will affect the other person you're not directly connected to. Infidelity due to a very fast new thing, I would consider forgiving. For revenge? Fuck, no. These people have some bad habits about payback. Revenge doesn't work in poly, period, the end.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position. Eject, before you go down with the plane.

 

[kdt26417]

I voted for "Tell them exactly how I feel," but I'd also add that you should be really cautious in this situation because, like the others have said, this doesn't seem like a stable or mature couple at all. It's crazy that they will sleep around on each other just to get back at each other. What might they then do to you?

If you aren't currently being hurt by them, or at least not so much so that the good times aren't enough to make it worth it, then I guess you're justified in remaining onboard. However, if things start becoming excessively hurtful toward you personally, then you should start thinking about leaving (and should probably inform them of a time frame or something on that order).

I'm actually not sure how you're being affected by all this, or what your feelings are overall in the relationship. Ultimately, only you can decide whether it's worth it to you to stay. But things seem messed up enough to warrant being very honest with them about your feelings, at least.

 

[turtleHeart]

While they're sleeping around, is anyone getting tested? Are you doing anything with them that could endanger your health if they're not being responsible?

 

[kdt26417]

Good point, turtleHeart.