When a partner is struggling because of mental health issues...

[Crimsonian]

Hi all. I'm new here, but I would really appreciate advice from some poly/mono gurus!

Background

In the past few months, my relationship with my partner has reached a much deeper level. Right from the beginning, I was open about poly (I have two other open relationships) and also VERY clear that I was seeking lots of casual sex on top of that. My partner insisted they were polyamorous too, but they seem to be really struggling with the openness of our relationship. We've talked about boundaries, but they've not yet worked in practice.

Situation

Last night, we went out to a sex club together with some friends. I asked my partner if it was okay if I had sex with someone new and they said that was absolutely fine. I only found out later on that they had seen some of it, and when I found them they were a mess - really angry, sad and distressed. I think their mental health takes them to a very very bad place in situations like this, and I don't want to hurt them - I care deeply about them. But they keep saying it's okay and then reacting very badly - it's a little confusing. I thankfully don't have any anxiety about sex & relationships, so it's hard for me to empathise, BUT I do really want/need to explore my sexuality if I want to be happy.

Question:

Since it's seriously affecting their mental health and not mine, should I consider abandoning my needs/wants for their sake?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Hi all. I'm new here, but I would really appreciate advice from some poly/mono gurus!

Background

In the past few months, my relationship with my partner has reached a much deeper level. Right from the beginning, I was open about poly (I have two other open relationships) and also VERY clear that I was seeking lots of casual sex on top of that. My partner insisted they were polyamorous too, but they seem to be really struggling with the openness of our relationship. We've talked about boundaries, but they've not yet worked in practice.

Situation

Last night, we went out to a sex club together with some friends. I asked my partner if it was okay if I had sex with someone new and they said that was absolutely fine. I only found out later on that they had seen some of it, and when I found them they were a mess - really angry, sad and distressed. I think their mental health takes them to a very very bad place in situations like this, and I don't want to hurt them - I care deeply about them. But they keep saying it's okay and then reacting very badly - it's a little confusing. I thankfully don't have any anxiety about sex & relationships, so it's hard for me to empathise, BUT I do really want/need to explore my sexuality if I want to be happy.

Question:

Since it's seriously affecting their mental health and not mine, should I consider abandoning my needs/wants for their sake?

Of course you should consider it. My guess is that you already have when you concluded that you need to explore your sexuality to be happy. You've also identified that putting in boundaries hasn't worked. And the fact that you've asked for advice tells me that you can't feel content with things continuing this way. I mention this because some people could be okay with allowing their partner to react/feel negatively as long as a) it didn't impact on others and b) they continued to verbally consent to polyamory.

Based on all this, I think you have identified that you can't find any middle ground where you can both be happy in this type of relationship. Maybe friends might work better.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Crimsonian,

My suggestion would be, project ahead five or ten years, and see how things look. If you abandoned your needs/wants for the sake of your partner's mental health, what would be your state of mind in five or ten years? You wouldn't be happy: That much we've already established. Would you also be feeling some resentment toward your partner? some hopelessness, even, concerning the future? even the desire to rebel?

Or is this mental health issue something that can be fixed? Would this abandonment of your needs/wants maybe only be a temporary thing? How much time would you want to give your partner to overcome this problem? Are they taking steps now to overcome it?

Your partner is telling you, "Yes you can do that, it is totally fine." Maybe that means your partner wants to overcome their angst on their own, perhaps partially through exposure, maybe they don't want you to have to sacrifice things for the sake of their mental health. Sit down with them and have a talk about this.

You need to figure out whether you and your partner are compatible with each other. Mono/poly relationships are possible, but only if the mono person isn't *too* mono (and the poly person isn't "too poly").

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

When a person acts differently then what they say, trust their action.
That being said, I don't think you have enough information to decide. As Kevin says, you'll have to talk to your partner. Perhaps a plan on how to go into this gradually can be made, perhaps different boundaries need to be set (like not going to sex clubs together), perhaps you are indeed capable of tempering your need for "lot's of casual sex", perhaps a breakup is the best solution.

 

[vinsanity0]

(I'm not a guru)

It's not unusual for a person to try and be okay with something while having to work through that something on their own.

Personally, I wouldn't force a partner to do something they were uncomfortable with. Is going to a sex club with that partner something you can't live without?

 

[Crimsonian]

Reply

(I'm not a guru)

Personally, I wouldn't force a partner to do something they were uncomfortable with. Is going to a sex club with that partner something you can't live without?

Please could you elaborate on exactly was being 'forced' here? Going to the sex club together was their idea. To be totally honest I'd have preferred to go alone.

 

[Crimsonian]

Reply

Thank you everyone for your sage input so far and your thoughts have definitely set my brain working !

Mixed opinions here . Personally I still believe there is room for compromise in this case - my partner and I are very close . It's just a case of having that discussion without lying tó one another about our feelings, and how to approach that. . .

 

[vinsanity0]

Please could you elaborate on exactly was being 'forced' here? Going to the sex club together was their idea. To be totally honest I'd have preferred to go alone.

I was referring more to the possibility of future visits. You had no way of knowing their reaction beforehand. Since it wasn't your idea, and you prefer to go alone, what is the dilemma? Are they insisting the two of you continue to attend together? Maybe they just need time to be as okay with it as they want to be.

 

[anthromoss]

Hey Crimsonian,

As someone who's been in a long-term relationship with a partner who struggled with OCD (dominant thought-compulsions) that exaggerated fear and doubt, I just want to say that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It can be especially challenging when you've communicated your needs, had agreements put in place, and still had backlash when you've acted on those needs within the bounds OF the agreement.

If your partner is struggling with your agreement, and if it's something that you're comfortable doing, have a conversation about potentially renegotiating what that agreement looks like. If you know that the renegotiation will make you miserable in the long run, perhaps talk about a time-frame that you can compromise, and in that time you and your partner can work together to figure out how to better establish trust and comfort for the coming shift.

I would argue, though, that you should never be expected to play a counselor role in the relationship when mental health is a factor. If they are struggling immensely with mental health, seeking professional help is something to consider. That's not to say you can't also express love, understanding and support, but remember to put on your oxygen mask before trying to help others put on theirs.

 

[Maur]

Hi all. I'm new here, but I would really appreciate advice from some poly/mono gurus!

Background

In the past few months, my relationship with my partner has reached a much deeper level. Right from the beginning, I was open about poly (I have two other open relationships) and also VERY clear that I was seeking lots of casual sex on top of that. My partner insisted they were polyamorous too, but they seem to be really struggling with the openness of our relationship. We've talked about boundaries, but they've not yet worked in practice.

Situation

Last night, we went out to a sex club together with some friends. I asked my partner if it was okay if I had sex with someone new and they said that was absolutely fine. I only found out later on that they had seen some of it, and when I found them they were a mess - really angry, sad and distressed. I think their mental health takes them to a very very bad place in situations like this, and I don't want to hurt them - I care deeply about them. But they keep saying it's okay and then reacting very badly - it's a little confusing. I thankfully don't have any anxiety about sex & relationships, so it's hard for me to empathise, BUT I do really want/need to explore my sexuality if I want to be happy.

Question:

Since it's seriously affecting their mental health and not mine, should I consider abandoning my needs/wants for their sake?

I see two possibilities. Either they are disregarding their own boundaries for some reason (lack of knowledge, fear of loss of love if they don't agree to others' needs, for example) and agreeing to something that will hurt them (likely repressing the knowledge at the moment of agreeing), or, less likely and more maturely, that they know it will hurt them but they don't follow the advice of their feelings and don't take them as reality.

In both cases the main work is theirs. In second, more communication would help to clarify. In first case, the problem is a lot bigger than what it seems so but it's still mostly their work that you can nevertheless help with. Also, talking about it - starting with showing them this thread would be one way - is a good thing to do. You need to know what's happening and talking about it should help them to start dealing with it to change the situation.

Or it's something else entirely.

EDIT/ I feel the second thing is very important. People here often know that feelings are not to be repressed and "valid", but sometimes forget that they are not a reality and not necessarily something to follow. Change hurts quite very often, even change for good. Hmm, on the other hand it seems kdt already covered this.

 

[Maur]

When a person acts differently then what they say, trust their action.
That being said, I don't think you have enough information to decide. As Kevin says, you'll have to talk to your partner. Perhaps a plan on how to go into this gradually can be made, perhaps different boundaries need to be set (like not going to sex clubs together), perhaps you are indeed capable of tempering your need for "lot's of casual sex", perhaps a breakup is the best solution.

That can lead to oversimplification here. They say okay, which means they are deciding they want this. They look hurt which means they feel bad when this happens.

Both things can be true. Don't trust one thing, trust both. For all it's worth, maybe they are simply masochist?

 

[Crimsonian]

Hey Crimsonian,

As someone who's been in a long-term relationship with a partner who struggled with OCD (dominant thought-compulsions) that exaggerated fear and doubt, I just want to say that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It can be especially challenging when you've communicated your needs, had agreements put in place, and still had backlash when you've acted on those needs within the bounds OF the agreement.

If your partner is struggling with your agreement, and if it's something that you're comfortable doing, have a conversation about potentially renegotiating what that agreement looks like. If you know that the renegotiation will make you miserable in the long run, perhaps talk about a time-frame that you can compromise, and in that time you and your partner can work together to figure out how to better establish trust and comfort for the coming shift.

I would argue, though, that you should never be expected to play a counselor role in the relationship when mental health is a factor. If they are struggling immensely with mental health, seeking professional help is something to consider. That's not to say you can't also express love, understanding and support, but remember to put on your oxygen mask before trying to help others put on theirs.

Gosh, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I'm sorry you had a difficult time as well. Did it work well for you and your partner in the end?

I want to support mine as much as possible, but would prefer it if neither of us had to put aside our own happiness completely for the sake of the other.
This could well have been a case where the boundaries weren't clearly defined, or it just needs some time or something like that. I wonder how to raise the issue without making them feel they did something wrong, though... it's a hard one to navigate.

 

[Crimsonian]

I see two possibilities. Either they are disregarding their own boundaries for some reason (lack of knowledge, fear of loss of love if they don't agree to others' needs, for example) and agreeing to something that will hurt them (likely repressing the knowledge at the moment of agreeing), or, less likely and more maturely, that they know it will hurt them but they don't follow the advice of their feelings and don't take them as reality.

In both cases the main work is theirs. In second, more communication would help to clarify. In first case, the problem is a lot bigger than what it seems so but it's still mostly their work that you can nevertheless help with. Also, talking about it - starting with showing them this thread would be one way - is a good thing to do. You need to know what's happening and talking about it should help them to start dealing with it to change the situation.

Or it's something else entirely.

EDIT/ I feel the second thing is very important. People here often know that feelings are not to be repressed and "valid", but sometimes forget that they are not a reality and not necessarily something to follow. Change hurts quite very often, even change for good. Hmm, on the other hand it seems kdt already covered this.

I do agree with you actually. I'm wondering how I can address this without making them feel it's all their fault though... Perhaps it's just a case of boundaries and aftercare to be discussed? I'm finding this a very fragile topic to raise with them actually.

 

[kdt26417]

Re: how to raise the issue without making them feel it's all their fault ... perhaps you could say, something like, "I know you've said you're okay with me having sex with someone new, and I really, really appreciate that. At the same time, I think your mental health takes you to a bad place in situations like that, and I don't want to hurt you. Could we perhaps talk about possible compromises that would be doable for both of us?"

 

[JaneQSmythe]

A story that I often tell about MrS and I during our early years together (longer version in my Journey blog). He was heading home from college for a concert that he was attending with his ex-GF, with whom he was still in a FWB relationship after they broke up but whom he hadn't seen since we "got together". We discussed the possibility of sex - I said "of course you will have sex with her if that is what you both want!". He went, they did, and my reaction was NOT AT ALL what I anticipated! Damn. It.

His response was "I knew this was going to happen." and decided that he would not have sex with other women without my participation in the future. I advised him that it was MY issue, that I was not as prepared as I thought I was and that I was responsible for working on my own shit. That he had done nothing wrong, I was not mad at him or her, just me for not understanding my own mental state. We all remained friends, we had threesomes and fun, but he never did sleep with her "alone" again - even thought I really did (in pretty short order) get my shit sorted out.

Similarly, when Dude and I first got together there were some incidents where there were misunderstandings or hurt feelings that needed to get sorted out. These things take TIME to understand. I wouldn't place too much emphasis on ONE incident - talk about it, learn from it, come up with a plan for "next time". As each person grows and learns, you may find that these situations don't arise as often or as significantly.

Now, if someone repeatedly, time after time, exhibits a pattern of saying that they are "fine" when they clearly are NOT - THAT is a serious issue. People need to learn to express their actual needs, not just what they wish they were. We (the three of us) have established a pattern of acting on what people actually say - while being considerate of their reactions. If there is a problem, then we learn to actually say what we feel based on the new knowledge we have found. Again though, there is a learning curve, we don't always know ourselves quite as well as we think we do.

 

[Crimsonian]

Now, if someone repeatedly, time after time, exhibits a pattern of saying that they are "fine" when they clearly are NOT - THAT is a serious issue. People need to learn to express their actual needs, not just what they wish they were. We (the three of us) have established a pattern of acting on what people actually say - while being considerate of their reactions. If there is a problem, then we learn to actually say what we feel based on the new knowledge we have found. Again though, there is a learning curve, we don't always know ourselves quite as well as we think we do.

This gives me hope (and the one or two blog posts I read gave me life ). I definitely have a habit of painting relationships in a 'black or white' light - i.e if ONE bad thing happens, that's the end of that. It's nice to be reminded that mistakes will be made and it's an ongoing process, perhaps there still is a chance of this working out after a conversation has been had. I'll probably keep y'all updated on how this goes.

- while being considerate of their reactions.

Just wondering about this. Is this reactions when you have the conversation, or learning from their actions afterwards?

 

[Crimsonian]

Re: how to raise the issue without making them feel it's all their fault ... perhaps you could say, something like, "I know you've said you're okay with me having sex with someone new, and I really, really appreciate that. At the same time, I think your mental health takes you to a bad place in situations like that, and I don't want to hurt you. Could we perhaps talk about possible compromises that would be doable for both of us?"

Thanks

 

[Crimsonian]

I was referring more to the possibility of future visits. You had no way of knowing their reaction beforehand. Since it wasn't your idea, and you prefer to go alone, what is the dilemma? Are they insisting the two of you continue to attend together? Maybe they just need time to be as okay with it as they want to be.

I'm not sure exactly what the dilemma is, to tell the truth. Going along to the sex club together was a fairly spontaneous decision - I said I was going and they decided to come along too. The impression I got was just that seeing me with other people at the sex club was a little too 'close for comfort'?

 

[Crimsonian]

That can lead to oversimplification here. They say okay, which means they are deciding they want this. They look hurt which means they feel bad when this happens.

Both things can be true. Don't trust one thing, trust both. For all it's worth, maybe they are simply masochist?

I guess that's true too.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

- while being considerate of their reactions.

Just wondering about this. Is this reactions when you have the conversation, or learning from their actions afterwards?

I was thinking of their reactions afterward. Like if someone says they are "fine" and later they are upset. In that case, getting angry with them and accusing them of "lying" will only put them on the defensive and the conversation will likely be anything but constructive. Whereas acknowledging someone can be "wrong" (about how they will react) without "lying" (about how they think they will react) can lead in a more useful direction, assume that participants are acting in good faith, i.e. "I can see that you are upset, even though you didn't anticipate that would happen. My understanding, based on our conversation, was that behaviour x/y/z was acceptable. What do you think it was about the situation that prompted your response? How can we work together to avoid that in the future?"

But, now that you ask the question - this might also apply to the original conversation itself. Sometimes Dude will ask a question that HE thinks of as being more of a rhetorical question - he thinks that he knows the answer before he asks and is only asking to be "polite". He gets all butt-hurt if he gets a different answer. I have repeatedly had to tell him that if the answer can't be "no", then it isn't really a question!