When and how to tell your crush you're poly

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polyamy

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Alright, here's the situation. I'm in an open relationship (with, my friend, J) and we're egalitarian poly / RA(ish). and I have a huge crush on my new coworker, X. I'm a straight woman and so far I know he is single and straight (via Facebook). We have only worked 2 shifts together and I just about instantly became interested and attracted to him. We have a lot in common and really hit it off. We exchanged numbers and vaguely talked about hanging out outside of work. I think there's a high probability that he reciprocates. And of course, he has no idea I'm poly.

It's been a long time since I've had an actual crush. Pretty much all of the dating I've done since considering myself poly has been with people I met on dating apps, who could see that I'm non-mongamous.

I've only been in one previous situation where someone I started seeing regularly didn't know I was poly. And even though I told him I had a partner before we ever kissed or cuddled, he continued to pursue me despite not being okay with non-monogamy. He later said he felt tricked because I didn't tell him until after we had become friendly and flirty with each other.
So on one hand I'm afraid of ending up in another situation where someone pretends to be okay with poly because we're otherwise compatible and the feelings surfaced before they knew I was poly. And I don't want my new crush to feel played/decieved.
On the other hand, I don't think it's necessary to tell him out of nowhere when I'm not even sure that the attraction is mutual. I had a relationship with a man who's married with kids and back then if I had seen either of those things in a dating profile I wouldn't have bothered. His profile just said he was ethically non-mongamous and I found out the details as I got to know him. And I discovered that it wasn't the deal breaker I thought it was.

I'm an open and honest person. If he asks me if I'm seeing anyone I would absolutely tell him. And if he expressed interest in me or kissed me, I would tell him.
Sometimes when I hook up with people I don't even mention it before having sex or at all. But when I see a lot of potential for an ongoing relationship, I think it's best to get it out there before having sex.

So I'm seeking advice

So when do you tell a crush you're poly?
And how do you tell them?

Should I tell X the first time we hangout one on one?
Should I wait until X expresses interest in me?
 
I tell people up front. It's just easier that way and we don't waste each other's time. That doesn't mean you can't still hang out if he's not into it. Who knows what could happen.
 
I am not out at work for many reasons. But I have never dated a coworker and I doubt I ever will. Too much possibility of things going very badly, if things go badly. Way too much risk for me. So I personally don’t recommend dating coworkers.

I do suggest thinking a lot about risks. Decide what your risk tolerance is. Think about what you are willing to risk around this crush. Are you willing to be fired for dating this person? That happens. Can you find another job if you had to? Would it mess up your standing within a profession? What if he starts harassing you? (I realize this could happen at any time but harassment after a breakup or rejection happens.) What if things are just uncomfortable between you two afterwards and work colleagues decide it’s your fault? What if you are just bummed out seeing him there all the time?

It will change things. Might work out fine. That also happens! The risk may be worth it to you. Also totally legit. Just mull over what risks you want to take.
 
If it's fine for you to be out and poly at work, then I'd tell him now.

If it isn't fine for you to be out and poly at work, or of it isn't okay to date co-workers, then I think it is best that you don't tell him and therefore do not pursue this any further either.

I tell people who start to cross the lines between colleague and friend or acquaintance and friend because being poly is a big part of my life in a lot of ways and most of what I say won't make much sense without that context.
 
out at work

I'm comfortable being out at work and it's really not risky to date a coworker in my particular work environment. Even if we dated and things ended, I don't think it would be awkward. The people I work with are open about their personal lives and relationships, and I've openly talked about being poly at work. So I'm not worried about that.
I'm Just a little nervous about how to present it. I don't want it to sound like "I'm poly and I'm telling you because I want to date you". I'm still just getting to know him so I don't want to come on too strong. I don't like like telling people straight up "I'm interested in being with you" because I don't like pressuring people to reciprocate or reject. I don't like it when people do that to me because I don't like being rushed to come to a conclusion when I'm really just focused on enjoying the other person's company and seeing where it goes. It's more my style to just let things happen organically and see what kind of relationship forms without putting pressure on it. With most people the fact that I'm poly comes up naturally, but I don't want to bank on that happening.
 
If you want to, you can just tell him you're seeing someone and you are in an open relationship. Just work it into the conversation on your first "date," as quickly and naturally as you can. It doesn't need to seem like you're telling him that because you want to date him. It could just be something you'd tell any new friend when you're getting to know them.

I'm glad you think it's OK to date a co-worker and won't be awkward, no matter how it works out. I hope that's true.
 
Hi polyamy,

There's no one-size-fits-all rule about when you should tell a crush that you're poly, you have to take the details of each unique situation into account. Usually I would say, tell him sometime during the first two or three times you meet up with him (outside of work). Another way to time it is, tell him as soon as you're at least sure that the attraction is mutual. A third way is, make sure you tell him before any kissing or cuddling.

When the time comes to tell him, try an approach that's short and simple. "X, there's something I need to tell you." And when X says, "What is it?" ... you say, "I'm nonmonogamous." After that, you field any questions he may have, and give him space to react and process. Anyway, that's kind of how the conversation would go, you could adjust according to how he responds, and your own good judgment. But keep it short and simple; follow his lead.

Those are my initial ideas.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm also out at work and I recommend telling him before someone else does. If others see you being flirty or even just lingering looks, they might take it upon themselves to talk to him about it.

It doesn't have to be this coming out thing. Just slip it in. Plans with your partner, conversationally appropriate dating anecdote, something like that.
 
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