Oh wow. This is a lot of information, and solid points, to process.
Did he ever answer that question?
He didn't. It was avoided.
This has me think back to Wednesday morning...the day she was supposed to fly back to her place. The door was open, for a change, so I went in. They were both in the bed with fingers entwined and she had a very worried look on her face. I originally had gone in to say a polite bye to her, but this is what happened:
Her: Umm, I'm not leaving. I'm staying.
Me: You're not flying back, today?
Her: Yeah, I was gonna, but...then I decided not to.
Him: *smirk* Yeah, she decided to stay here.
Me: Oh
Her reason was because of his health.
I left the room then. As none of us were doctors, I didn't want to crowd him if she were already right there next to him. Gentle touches are nice, but they won't actually remove or heal any pains. I told him all of that later in a message, and then I asked if he would have preferred I held his hand too along with her. He said either or.
Ok.
So she got worried and wanted to keep an eye on him before going back--ok. Understandable. I thought that meant she'd leave in the next day or 2. Nope. She's still here.
Earlier today is when I found out, probably by accident, that the actual reason she stayed was because he told her he didn't want her to go.
I've asked him at least twice in earlier days if he still wanted to sleep next to me, and to remind him that he still could while I was in the guest room, but I either got a subject change or "...".
I hate to assume, but...think he just doesn't, or doesn't want her away from his side, yet. More reason to look for a way out.
You deserve respect as another human being with needs and feelings. Not only are you not getting that respect, he makes any problem about you, belittles your responses, and shifts responsibility. Why are you still in this relationship? Because you love him? You ought to love YOU first. Would you ever treat someone you love this way? Why are you letting yourself be treated this way?
Love, and I've no place else to go, currently--not even to move into temporarily, yet. I've been looking for new remote work in my fields for a while and haven't gotten any stable opportunities, yet. Speaking of, would you happen to know of anyone in need of a digital copywriter and/or 2D animator? Heck, I can offer a bit of pro bono copy for helping me. I should never ask for anything unless I offer something, too.
You are worthy of someone who treats you respectfully.
Come to think of it, my last mono ex horribly abused me mentally and emotionally--he was always manipulating me with his words. Parts of my family have done this, too. I guess I just attract those who can eventually take advantage. That's something only I can change about myself. But my S/O had saved me from my ex--actually I had to point out to him one day, every girl he's been in a romantic relationship with was once in a hazzardous one, until he saved them from it. He admitted to never noticing the pattern, but agreed I was right. Me, the new gf, the former poly gf, his last mono gf...were all saved by him from terrible exes. He's always had a "hero complex" without wanting it, tho.
He sounds like he blames everything on you.
Something to think about. I thought I was just a screwup who needed to learn to be a better person. He used to get mad at me so often over the years, I truly thought it was a pastime of his. I've told him that before. He's always said he's just trying to help me.
Oh my gosh, that reminded me of something he's said before when scolding me about my behavior and how it effects others. He called me a bully, but then referred to himself as "the bully's bully". I started thinking I was worthless. He disagreed, but it is true I don't remember who I actually am anymore. I just have fragmented memories. Most people call me sweet and super nice, and I basically O__O at them like uhhh are you talking to me? I'm not sweet, I'm annoying..and easily think I'm one of the worst people on the planet haha...
Are you sure he's capable of poly?
If an eventual 3some comes along, then maybe that's how he might see it. With the former poly relationship, he told me it was neccessary to have a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and a person you mostly wanted to have sex with--and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. In this relationship, I don't seem to fit into either category. Now, processing that mindset, it sounds like a rather messed up view. I wonder if he's actually a mono in "poly clothing".
Quick example, the 3 of us were supposed to engage inthe group activity again that we all enjoyed. Earlier this morning, he came up, talked about work and if the 3 of us could meet up downstairs around 4pm. So around 3:57ish, I messaged him, asking if it was still happening. He responded with him being in the middle of training someone and that she was currently on a business call. Already expecting a cancel, I had prepared to go out and asked if he wanted anything picked up. He supplied means for me to order something and said I could just walk right in the room to get it. I did, and caught glimpse of her sitting at her computer, but very much not on a call. She was watching a video. And besides, how the heck would she be able to be properly heard on her call if he was already talking during his training session, less than 6 steps away from her?
He's usually not the type to lie--he HA T E S lying, and being told lies. Absolutely abhors it. Again, I don't want to assume, but--that seemed awfully odd and fishy. Although...it's possible I came in during a moment she just finished a call---or was waiting to initiate it---or could have been listening to one in progress while the video had been on silent...I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to think about it.
I actually think he may be in the process of breaking up with you. And maybe he's not even doing it consciously, but come on. She's the one getting 99.9% his time, while less than an hour with you is good enough? and even that one hour, it can't be just you and him, she has to be there as well. Come on, he's dropping you a massive hint. He's no longer interested in you. If he ever was interested.
The figurative punch in the gut I needed to consider. Thank you!! I'll think over it some more.
In the meantime, I'm getting my ducks in a row for plans to go elsewhere.