When to ask about dating?

C

carnett3702

New member
My BF and I have been together for 11 years. We have been open from the get go. We are stable, own our own house, and are very happy. Two months ago we met a guy who at first I hit it off with.

Scooter (his nick name) and I went out together and actually had sex. I from the get go I liked Scooter. Mark (my partner) at first wasn't so sold. With that said, one night we all went out, had a wonderful sexual experience. Since then we have been spending a major amount of time with Scooter. We all went on a weekend trip together. Since the trip Scooter has been over almost every weekend.

Mark and I have discussed our feelings toward Scooter. We have both expressed affectionate feelings toward Scooter to each other. We have both expressed we would be hurt if Scooter was suddenly no longer around. We have both agreed to being open to Scooter being part of our relationship. We have also expressed either way we always want to have Scooter as a friend.

It's not like Mark and I feel there is something missing in our relationship. With that said, when we are with Scooter it feels amazingly just right!

My fear is Scooter doesn't even know Mark and I are interested in dating him. So he's not considering us a romantic possibility.

My questions are: When is a good time to ask Scooter if he would be interested in dating us? And what is a good way to bring up the topic without freaking Scooter out and losing him as even a friend? Also is there signs we can look for, showing Scooter might be up for the conversation? Should we just let things go as they are, letting happen what happens?


Thank you to those who reply.
 
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You've already shared sex with Scooter. You're already spending a great deal of time with him. To some, it would seem that you're *already* dating him. In my opinion, it's time, if not past time, to bring up the subject.

You aren't going to find out how Scooter feels until you talk to him. So you can keep "what iffing" about it, or you can sit down with him and tell him how you feel.

I would keep it fairly simple: "We've been spending a lot of time together. Mark and I really enjoy our time with you, and we're wondering whether you'd be open to this being more of a relationship than a friendship."

I'm curious, though... If you've already shared sex with Scooter, and you're seeing him as frequently as you are, what would change if you, he, and Mark agreed that you're dating instead of just friends? To me, it doesn't seem like anything would be different other than the words you use to describe the connection.
 
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The difference for me would be feeling like I can show my affection toward Scooter. Now I myself am not sure if that is okay at this point. Secondly, I would really prefer to know how he feels. But am afraid the subject would make him feel uncomfortable.
 
How comfortable are you with not telling him, and with not knowing how he feels or how he would react?
 
Carnett,

You say you AND Mark are interested in dating Scooter, and talk about "our" feelings. By this, do you mean you're considering a triad, or more of a V arrangement with you as hinge? You don't exactly specify whether your boyfriend and Scooter are bisexual, heteroflexible/bicurious, or whether they have feelings for each other, as well as for you.

When you ask Scooter how he feels about potentially dating you guys, be very clear what it is you (and boyfriend) want and are asking for.
 
Hello carnett3702,

I think the thing to say to Scooter is, something like, "Scooter, Mark and I really care about you, and if you're interested, we'd like to start dating with you. How would you feel about that?" You can tailor that according to your own best judgment. As for when to ask, I can't think of a reason to wait. You already have a caring relationship with him, I would say you're more than just friends. So, offer him the opportunity to make that official. I won't say there's zero risk, but in life, everything worthwhile comes with at least a little bit of risk.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My questions are: When is a good time to ask Scooter if he would be interested in dating us? And what is a good way to bring up the topic without freaking Scooter out and losing him as even a friend? Also is there signs we can look for, showing Scooter might be up for the conversation? Should we just let things go as they are, letting happen what happens?
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I think ask him now. If Scooter sees this as a "V" thing were he dates only you. Or if he's also open to it being a "triad" thing where he dates you and he dates Mark. And where friendship falls in all of this -- if things don't pan out romantically with either, does he still want to be friends?

Why agonize? It's part of the dating thing -- to get to know each other and what each person is looking for. That's what the dating process is FOR. To find the compatible ones and what they are compatible as.

As far as a good time? Make the time -- like a date on a weekend. By phone date or in person date. Don't text this. And don't be asking him these things smack in the middle of the work day from nowhere. That's distracting for work. Be considerate. Over email works too -- because then he has time to digest and reply. He's not "put on the spot."

Galagirl
 
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I am totally serious: what is the operative definition of "dating" here? Is everyone in the current discussion working under the identical definition? How about Carnett & Mark & Scooter?

If it's left to my interpretation, I'd say they're already dating. There's certainly at least two occasions where people "went out" together... or is someone going to tell us how "going out" differs significantly from "dating"? And how is it that having regular sex AND taking a three-person weekend trip AND being "over almost every weekend" aren't "dating"?

The best I can figure is that by "dating" people refer to a process for turning "casual fun" (a negative :eek:) into "something serious" -- as in dragging them onto the Relationship Escalator... right? Even Wikipedia seems to back that up:
Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage.
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Would that mean that this is a situation in which the Escalator is not only good, but desirable, even somehow necessary?
 
Ravenscroft said:
I am totally serious: what is the operative definition of "dating" here? Is everyone in the current discussion working under the identical definition? How about Carnett & Mark & Scooter?
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I guess how other people define "dating" is not relevant to me here. In this post, Carnett wants to know what Scooter thinks about something. I'm a direct person. If I want to know what the person thinks? I ASK.

Best time to me? On a weekend in person, phone, or email. Don't bother the other person at work. It's not respectful. And text is for "Almost there. Parking car..." innocuous stuff. It is not a medium for serious conversation.

FWIW, to me by the time I'm sharing sex and taking trips I'm already "dating." I don't know if Carnett, Mark, and Scooter consider all this "dating" or not.

Galagirl
 
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The problem is, especially in poly dating where one doesn't have an assumed model to fall back on, both sex and trips can happen from a mindset of "hedonistic fun" or "romantic entanglement" and while the OP says "dating" I think the question that's really trying to be answered here is "is this romantic or are we just playing?" 'course, romantic is a difficult one too. Perhaps I mean "are we emotionally entangled as people who can depend on each other for more than good times."
 
I'd clear that up before hand. "Is this like hedonistic fun or is this like dating to you?"

Look before leaping.

Galagirl
 
I was thinking about this today, & realized the terminology falls down from confusing dating with courtship.

Dating is hanging out with someone, doing fun things, getting to know them as an individual.

Courtship is trying to goat-rope them into an on-going relationship, with expectations & responsibilities & rules & boundaries & needs & agendas.

In this instance, if dating is the goal, then I say dating has been achieved. Problem sorted.

If it's courtship, then it's a matter of basic contract negotiation, & any "let's just see what happens" stuff is out of place. What is actually being offered? What is actually being expected? Which terms are absolute, which are negotiable, which are open to renegotiation as the project progresses (& to what degree)?

For starters, is the proposed relationship open, or closed? Is it a triad or vee? Is cohabitation a requirement, an option, or immaterial?
 
Scooter still hanging around.

I am so confused. Scooter was over last weekend the weekend before. He came over Saturday for dinner, we went out, he spent the night, and he stayed most of Sunday.

What confuses me is, he told us he stopped seeing a guy last week. Granted he said he had only been seeing him for a two weeks. I took this as Scooter showing he only considers us friends. Is this a correct assumption? We never did have a conversation with Scooter about our feelings toward him. We are afraid in doing so we would lose him as even a friend.
 
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"What confuses me is, he told us he stopped seeing a guy last week. Granted he said he had only been seeing him for a two weeks. I took this as Scooter showing he only considers us friends. Is this a correct assumption?"
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As far as I can see, it is an incorrect assumption.

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"We never did have a conversation with Scooter about our feelings toward him. We are afraid in doing so we would lose him as even a friend."
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I think it's unlikely that you would lose him as a friend, especially if he is a good friend.
 
carnett3702 said:
I am so confused. Scooter was over last weekend the weekend before. He came over Saturday for dinner, we went out, he spent the night, and he stayed most of Sunday.

I took this as Scooter showing he only considers us friends. Is this a correct assumption?
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Don't take this the wrong way, carnett, but it'd be helpful for us on this forum (since you're asking for advice) if you weren't so--- idk what the word is--- "coy", about describing exactly what is going on between you three.

You say he "spent the night"... doing what? Did he simply sleep over because he was tired and it was convenient to do so? Did you and Scooter have sex? Did your partner and Scooter have sex?

We can't know, or even guess, what might be a correct assumption if we don't have all the facts.

IF there was physical intimacy between any two or three of you, and Scooter stayed the weekend, MY guess is that he considers you MORE than just friends.

HOW MUCH more is anyone's guess at this point...

What confuses me is, he told us he stopped seeing a guy last week. Granted he said he had only been seeing him for a two weeks. We never did have a conversation with Scooter about our feelings toward him. We are afraid in doing so we would lose him as even a friend.
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...because you have yet to have that clarifying conversation with him.

I'm not sure WHY you're so afraid to broach the subject with him. Clearly, you are all great friends... and at least "friends with benefits"... perhaps more.

But you'll never know how Scooter feels unless you ASK him directly, because it seems he isn't going to declare his feelings for you (or your partner) - if indeed he has "romantic" intentions towards you.

It may be that he DOES consider you FWB or the like. But isn't it better to KNOW rather than guess or ask strangers to guess?

I understand you don't want this to end, and by asking the question, you may get an answer you don't want. However, you clearly cannot continue in this fashion if your own feelings for him continue to grow each time you spend a weekend together, yet you remain a ball of angst... wondering.

*********

There is also this: obviously, if Scooter has been seeing you two AND someone else, he is non-monogamous. But do you know if he considers himself polyamorous? If he DOES, then assuming he "only" considers you friends just because he was also seeing someone else may be far off the mark.
 
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More information

Last night Scooter came over for help with putting his new bike together. We worked on the bike, getting it finished. Then we started talking just about work, friends and stuff.

At this time, I saw a way to work into the conversation the way Mark and I feel about him. I told him we are affectionate toward him. He then said "Oh Ok" and went on with the conversation. While we were ending the conversation I made sure to state I didn't want to freak him out or chase him off. He said he wasn't. We all then watched a couple shows and scooter went home. We did talk about plans for this coming weekend. We are talking about going camping. So, I think things went well. Oh, he did leave his bike here for when we go on a ride.

Is there any signs we should look for indicating we did freak him out? Was the "Oh Ok" a sign he's not feeling the same way? Or should we just let things ride!

Thank you for the input.

P.S. When I say Scooter has spent the night. I mean we have engaged in sex and we all slept in the same bed. This has happened a hand full of times.
 
If your exact words to Scooter were "We're affectionate toward you," then "Oh, okay," probably meant "Yeah, that's obvious"... you know, since you engage in sex with him and all.

Affectionate is a very vague word with a very broad meaning. I'm affectionate toward my cat. That doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with her.

If you're in love with him, use those words. If you want to consider your situation with him a full-on relationship instead of just friends with benefits, use those words. If you want to label it friends with benefits instead of just friends, use those words.

It seems from your posts here that you have a hard time being fully blunt and honest. You use terms that skate around the edges of what you want to say, as with using "spending the night" as a euphemism for "having sex." While I can relate to it being difficult to put things into clear, concise words, I strongly advise you to work on doing exactly that, or you are unlikely to get the results you hope for because the person you're talking to is not going to read between the lines to figure out what you actually mean.
 
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