When To Expand?

[UnicornLove]

Hello all!
I am in my first polyamorous relationship, so, I'm definitely learning a bit! I started out in a triad with a married couple. However, as of now, I am dating the husband and the wife and I are going to work on a friendship ("for now" at least).

However, while trying to get to this decision, a lot of ups and downs and thoughts have come across my path. One being which, when do you know you're ready to expand your relationship? I love my boyfriend Very much and I am in love with him. However, I am having a strong desire to be the primary partner in my "own" relationship. But with making a decision like this, I know it'll make my boyfriend slightly....uncomfortable? (For lack of better words.)

So, for those who have expanded their network beyond the triad, how did you know you were ready? Also, how did you deliver it to everyone? Were they apart of all the steps? Or you only presented the final product?

 

[IndieSolo]

Why would he be uncomfortable? You're not his property and only want the same thing he wanted when he looked for and found you!

If you didn't agree to be polyfidelitous with them (meaning sexual or romantic with them and them only), then you don't need their permission or anything. Is there someone else you are interested in already, or are you just coming to the feeling that you know you want a more closely entwined partnership of your own? (I do not use terms like primary/secondary, as I feel they are demeaning)

I would simply talk to your bf and say something like:
"I love you and appreciate everything we have together. I am enjoying living polyamorously. I realized that I will eventually want to seek another relationship with someone who can be more of a full-time partner, like you are with your wife. Obviously, you know this doesn't mean what you and I have together will end. I only hope you will be accepting and understanding when I begin to expand my life and develop more love relationships, just like you have."

In other words, keep throwing it back on him - essentially, you only want with another man (or woman?) what he has sought out with someone other than his wife (you).

What's good for the goose, you know...

And don't be wishy-washy when you talk to him.

 

[UnicornLove]

Why would he be uncomfortable? You're not his property and only want the same thing he wanted when he looked for and found you!

This is true! He doesn't treat me like I'm property though. He's just very loving and very protective. So, anything I could ever want and need, he wants to be the one to provide that. Which I can't be mad at, because to be honest I can't picture him with anyone else either besides his wife and myself. We've been together for 8 months, so, I'm not sure if we feel this way because everything is still fairly new. Or if that's just our personalities.

If you didn't agree to be polyfidelitous with them (meaning sexual or romantic with them and them only), then you don't need their permission or anything.

Nope! Never agreed to anything like that.

Is there someone else you are interested in already, or are you just coming to the feeling that you know you want a more closely entwined partnership of your own? (I do not use terms like primary/secondary, as I feel they are demeaning)

I don't have anyone I'm interested in just yet. But I am having that..."craving" or need to have my own relationship just like the two of them have.
I agree with them being demeaning. We didn't use to use them, but in the past few weeks the wife made it Very clear that she's the wife and I'm the secondary. So, it's me trying to wrap my head around things I guess.

I would simply talk to your bf and say something like:
"I love you and appreciate everything we have together. I am enjoying living polyamorously. I realized that I will eventually want to seek another relationship with someone who can be more of a full-time partner, like you are with your wife. Obviously, you know this doesn't mean what you and I have together will end. I only hope you will be accepting and understanding when I begin to expand my life and develop more love relationships, just like you have."

In other words, keep throwing it back on him - essentially, you only want with another man (or woman?) what he has sought out with someone other than his wife (you).

What's good for the goose, you know...

And don't be wishy-washy when you talk to him.

This is perfect. Seriously. I was sorta kinda trying to tell him this tonight....and then he fell asleep. So, now I'm left with a sleepless night and TONS of thoughts and questions. Whenever we have time to see each other though, I want to finish this conversation face to face.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

So, for those who have expanded their network beyond the triad, how did you know you were ready? Also, how did you deliver it to everyone? Were they apart of all the steps? Or you only presented the final product?

Our household is a not a triad but a V (my boys are best friends, and love each other as such, but are not romantically/sexually involved). Still, every change in the relationship configuration requires a period of adjustment - to let things settle into the "new normal" and let NRE run its course.

We had been in our "new normal" configuration for about two years when Dude began "actively-seeking" new partners. Not because of any agreement, but because we all felt stable enough at that point.

When he/we started dating Lotus, she asked for a 6 month "closure" for the Dude-Lotus-Me triad to allow things to "settle" (this didn't apply to MrS, my husband, or TT, her husband - who are less active in finding new partners).

All of this involved LOTS of discussion...which could only be theoretical until things actually happened and the New Person could weigh in.

**********************

Salient points:

Each grouping will be different in terms of comfort levels.

Seeking doesn't mean finding.

"Start as you mean to go on." is a valid argument - as is "Go at the pace of the slowest member - as long as they are moving."

*********************

For ME (and only me, not speaking for the others in my group or anyone else):

I value my autonomy A LOT. I agreed to Lotus's request for a 6 months closure ONLY because I care about her (and cared about her relationship with my boys) AND it was a time-limited agreement.

I would have (philosophically) been OK with Dude seeking others a lot sooner. MrS's concern was that his (Dude's) NRE would hurt ME, and he (MrS) would have to deal with the aftermath. Didn't happen in our case. But it COULD have.

MY version of poly doesn't really mesh with a "poly-fi" model - the reason I am drawn to poly is that I want to be able to engage people on whatever level we find mutually agreeable without "outside" influences. (So, the 6-month thing was actually something I contemplated with some trepidation.)

*****************

Don't know if any of that was helpful...just a "stream-of-consciousness" response...

PS. There was still discussion during the 6-month "Closure" - did it exclude previous partners? (No), Did "flirting" count? (No). By the end of the 6-months it was obvious that no-one cared about the "closure" rule anymore. - it serves its purpose and was now moot. (and had been, for a while). BUT, what-if one of us (probably Lotus - since she was the one who requested it) wanted to "extend" the rule another 6-months? I, probably, would have balked. (Since I only agreed because a.) it was time limited and b.) exceptions could be granted.) In my mind, if we hadn't "stabilized" in 6-months - then maybe we should reconsider the whole idea.

 

[KC43]

Also, bear in mind that not everyone starts out in a triad, nor wants to ever be in one. Addressing your question to "those who have expanded their network beyond the triad" implies a belief that everyone who's poly is in or has been in a triad, though that may not be how you meant it.

I'm straight, and Hubby is monogamous and also straight, so a triad was never even on our radar. I've been the hinge in two Vs, and the non-hubby legs of those Vs, Guy and S2, overlapped in my life by a few months, so I was a hinge with three partners... whatever you might call that. So I guess taking on S2 as my (at that time) third partner was my expansion. I didn't know I was ready. I didn't intend on meeting anyone else. I was actively *avoiding* meeting anyone else. And then I got a message on a dating site that said something about "commuting with the lemmings" and couldn't resist responding.

Delivering the news to Hubby and Guy was easy. "This guy messaged me on AFF, and he seems kind of interesting, so I'm going to keep talking to him." Followed a couple of weeks later by "Hey, I'm going to meet that guy I told you about"... and followed, to Hubby at least, with a text later on the day of said meeting with "Just letting you know I'm going back to his place, and naked things are probably going to happen." (I also included S2's address and "If you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something has gone wrong", and made sure to text him within the hour so he'd know I was okay.) I think I told Guy about that the following day, though given my penchant for TMI I might have texted him the same day.

Hubby's response to the text, incidentally, was "Have fun and use a condom." He's cool like that.

 

[UnicornLove]

Don't know if any of that was helpful...just a "stream-of-consciousness" response...

You did actually help. Provided me with a different mind set of thinking. So, as far as your situation -- would you mention it to everyone before you starting looking? Or only mention things if you think you found a possibility?

 

[UnicornLove]

Also, bear in mind that not everyone starts out in a triad, nor wants to ever be in one. Addressing your question to "those who have expanded their network beyond the triad" implies a belief that everyone who's poly is in or has been in a triad, though that may not be how you meant it.

This is true, sorry about that. I'm really new to the lifestyle. So, I don't always know proper terminology.

"This guy messaged me on AFF, and he seems kind of interesting, so I'm going to keep talking to him."[/QUOTE

I'm so being nosey, but what's AFF? lol.

Hubby's response to the text, incidentally, was "Have fun and use a condom." He's cool like that.

Hubby sounds awesome = ). That's cute lol. But this helpful. Communication is obviously key. My boyfriend and I still have a lot of things to talk about, but I think in the mean time I'm going to start my "hunt". Because this feeling I've been having for weeks isn't going away or getting easier.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think it depends on what you have established. Have you already talked about seeing others?

I don't have to tell anybody about a new partner. I will if it comes up in conversation, but there is no requirement. Nobody will feel slighted if I don't. It is just assumed that my poly partners and I are always looking.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I don't have to tell anybody about a new partner. I will if it comes up in conversation, but there is no requirement. Nobody will feel slighted if I don't. It is just assumed that my poly partners and I are always looking.

Same with me. I am not the slightest bit interested in a network or any situation in which I would have to clear the existence or progress of my relationships with other people. Just mentioning it so that you know there are many ways to be poly, UnicornLove. The "free agent" option is always available to you and taking that option you are nobody's unicorn but yours. Base your choice on what is right for you, not on how the wife or your BF say they feel about you. Get solid about what you want and let your relationships fall into place around your vision.

 

[IndieSolo]

I don't have to tell anybody about a new partner. I will if it comes up in conversation, but there is no requirement. Nobody will feel slighted if I don't. It is just assumed that my poly partners and I are always looking.

I am not the slightest bit interested in a network or any situation in which I would have to clear the existence or progress of my relationships with other people . . . The "free agent" option is always available to you . . . Get solid about what you want and let your relationships fall into place around your vision.

I agree and, UnicornLove, please note that my post suggested how to tell your bf you will date other people and seek other relationships, if you feel it's necessary to inform him, not how to ask if you can. But if he has a wife and a girlfriend, and there is no agreement in place to be polyfi, I don't see any reason for you to run it by him. Your life is your own to have create as you see fit, and it simply wouldn't be acceptable if he thinks he can tell you not to date or fuck anyone else!

 

[KC43]

AFF = AdultFriendFinder, a site which bills itself as a "sex dating site" but is where I met Hubby and both of the boyfriends I've had. (I also know of at least 8 other long-term couples who met there.) I've had good luck there; others use OKC (OKCupid), another dating site that's more poly-friendly.

And yes, communication is key. But as others have said, unless you and your boyfriend have agreed to tell each other about potential other partners, you don't have to say a word. If you and he *have* agreed to inform each other, you don't have to *ask* him if it's okay. You only have to tell him you're doing it, the same as I did with Hubby and Guy when I met S2.

Personally, I prefer to keep my partners informed about one another's existence, and I tend to overshare because I like talking about people and things that make me happy. I'm under no obligation to tell anyone anything, other than letting Hubby know when I start seeing someone else, which was something he asked me to do and I agreed to. Anything else I tell him, or any other partner, is purely my choice.

When I start up with a new partner, I make sure they are aware that I will be mentioning them to Hubby, and to any other partner I might be involved with. I won't share personal, private information about them, nor will I share anything I'm asked not to, but each man in my life will be aware of the others, will know their names, etc. If the new partner isn't okay with that, they have a choice of either dealing with it anyway or of not being involved with me. I'm willing to compromise about some of the things I share; I am not willing to compromise or back down about having partners aware that I have other partners and who those other partners are.

I usually also tell Hubby every single time I see someone else, even an established partner (except S2, with whom I had a set schedule that Hubby knew), out of courtesy because again, he and I live together and I prefer to let him know if I'm not going to be home. I also tell him when I go to the store or to visit a friend. That's *my* choice, because I'm more comfortable and feel more respectful toward him by letting him know those things. But I don't *ask*. I tell. (Occasionally with Hubby I do say "Are you okay with that?", especially if I have plans with another partner on one of Hubby's days off or am planning to be gone overnight, but if he isn't okay with it that wouldn't mean I would say "Okay, I won't do it". It would mean we would discuss it, try to find a compromise, and ultimately I would make my own choice about my course of action. I ask if he's okay with it to remind him that he has a right to voice his opinions and feelings about all this.)

Likewise, I've asked the partners I've had to tell me if they start seeing someone else, because their other relationship(s) might impact me as far as the time they have available to see me and sexual health. They don't have to agree to tell me. If they don't agree and I'm not okay with it, I can choose to either deal with it or stop seeing them.

It's all about communication and respect... but it's also all about choice and free will.

 

[Nadya]

In my case the "expanding" has happened twice: first from one relationship (with CJ) to two (Mark) and now three (Jeremy). None of my guys has found a partner who'd have become part of the household / otherwise very entwined in their lives.

The first expansion:
My life had been very stressful and busy in other ways than romantic relationships. At that time I only had one relationship and it was well enough. Me and CJ moved in together and got married and all that, without any serious other relationships in sight. Both of us did have some short-lived casual relationships back then occasionally.

As the stresses in my life eased out, I was ready and willing to go on searching for other relationships. At the same time CJ started looking for something as well - with not that good results, at the beginning. I had much more lively a dating life. However, nothing much came out of that - until I met Mark. After a couple of not-so-successful attempts at new relationships, I was pretty cautious about how to proceed with Mark, and also tried to make sure CJ was on board with the development. He had been quite so jealous and insecure and generally feeling inadequate with my previous short relationships.

Anyway, as I had two relationships I felt polysaturated for quite a while. A lot of new challenges... Me and my two guys ended up moving in together, and we still live together the three of us.

The second expansion:
I did not know I was ready. I just happened to meet Jeremy and the connection formed very quickly. Since I have not made any promises of polyfidelity, I felt free to explore the new connection. Jeremy is a regular guest in our house, so my other guys have had to form some sort of connection with him. This also was my requirement for any new romance I might come across - they need to be able to visit me in my home and everyone needs to be okay with it. Otherwise - there won't be much of a chance of a relationship. Honestly, I did not think there'd be anyone out there to meet this requirement. I was wrong.

Now I have to say that my polysaturation point has been reached again So, in my mind I am now "closed". The feeling is similar to the one I had when starting my relationship with Mark. Have reached my personal limits. Don't have time for any others. Anyhow, I have never ever promised to someone else to "close" - only to myself. My life, my decisions.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

So, as far as your situation -- would you mention it to everyone before you starting looking? Or only mention things if you think you found a possibility?

I have never actually "looked for" a partner (or friend, even). They always just sort of happen, while I am generally oblivious. I did tell the boys when I set up a profile on OKC because I was missing some "female" energy in my life. But I didn't really have any expectations of what I would find there - friend, lover, or mentor.

Also, for me, friendship always comes first - so my existing people would almost certainly have heard about, and probably met, any "potential" (and likely have seen the "possibility" before me).

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from UnicornLove):

"So, for those who have expanded their network beyond the triad, how did you know you were ready? Also, how did you deliver it to everyone? Were they a part of all the steps? or you only presented the final product?"

In a triad, all three people are romantically involved with each other. I am in a V. There was a time when I participated on OKCupid (hoping to expand that V to an N). I'll be honest, it didn't go over well at first. What helped is agreeing to keep Snowbunny (the hinge of our V) in the loop at all times regarding who if anyone I was talking to (on OKC).