When to meet metamour

[leafi]

Hi

I'm wondering what different peoples experiences and expectations are around meeting a partners primary partner.

Is it something that is important to you?

Does anyone not want to ever meet? Is it weird if you don't meet?

Does anyone have it as a requirement that you do meet?

 

[IndieSolo]

Have you done a search here for the word "metamour?" Use the Advanced Search function to look for threads with that word in the title, or a Tag Search, and you will find about a gazillion previous discussions on this topic. Also visit our Golden Nuggets forum for links to relevant disscussions and Master Threads on often-asked topics.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm wondering what different peoples experiences and expectations are around meeting a partners primary partner.

Well, we are all rather "kitchen-table-poly" types (NOTE: lots of people have a negative reaction to that phrase, but it suits us.) So, that being said, we do expect, at some point, to meet our metamours (primary or otherwise), just like we expect, at some point, to meet each others' friends. But there is no rigid timeframe for that - I didn't meet Dude until he and MrS had been friends for a few years. No-one was avoiding it, it just didn't come up.

Is it something that is important to you?

To some extent? It would strike me as odd if someone that was important to me actively avoided meeting the other people that were important in my life. Like if a partner or friend were insistent that they never cross paths with my mother (who is a perfectly benign sweet woman). i.e. "What, you have to reschedule coming over to borrow my pick-up truck because my mom is down for a day of yard-sale shopping? Really? WTF?"

Does anyone not want to ever meet? Is it weird if you don't meet?

Reading on here it seems that "not wanting to meet" is not that unusual, but does create a fair amount of pressure for the hinge person that can be negative. "Weird" is a relative term. I am "weird" in lots of ways (I don't like people I don't know well in my house, for instance.) "Weird" in this case would be someone who was adamant that they NEVER wanted to meet me, even by accident. Not caring to set up an "appointment" to officially meet me - not a problem.

Does anyone have it as a requirement that you do meet?

As stated above, not a requirement - just an expectation that it will eventually happen organically if someone is a regular part of a partner's life.

Just one girl's opinion...

JaneQ

 

[kdt26417]

Hello leafi,

From what I've heard here and there, it is not necessary for metamours to meet. And if they do meet, polite interaction suffices; they don't have to be friends. But one can imagine how, in many cases, friendship between metamours can be advantageous. Sort of like a bonus.

I am in a closed V, and met my metamour (along with our hinge) about 20 years ago (Jeezh, has it been that long), about 10 years before poly became a thing for us. Said metamour and I are currently friends, not super close but we enjoy watching stuff on TV together.

If someone in our V started dating someone new, I'd probably be nervous about meeting the new person. So I wouldn't argue about having to wait before I met them. Nor would I require them to meet me.

I have to ask, leafi, are you in a situation where you aren't allowed to meet your partner's primary partner and it is making you uncomfortable? or perhaps you have a secondary partner and you need to decide how soon to introduce them to your primary partner?

Just wondering ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[tenK]

I have met my metamour, Adam, a few times, and whilst he seems like an okay guy I don't think we would ever be close friends. Nina hasn't met Zymurgist yet, despite us dating for quite a while now, but both have expressed an interest to. I guess Nina and I don't see our lovers very often, so when we do, we kind of hog them to ourselves a bit! Generally speaking though, whilst I'm always very curious to meet my metamours, I would much rather that we meet naturally in some way rather than arranging something to specifically make that happen. That makes it feel a bit awkward in my mind. But then again, I am British. Many perfectly ordinary social scenarios feel awkward to me.

 

[Hannahfluke]

I have met my metamour, Adam, a few times, and whilst he seems like an okay guy I don't think we would ever be close friends. Nina hasn't met Zymurgist yet, despite us dating for quite a while now, but both have expressed an interest to. I guess Nina and I don't see our lovers very often, so when we do, we kind of hog them to ourselves a bit! Generally speaking though, whilst I'm always very curious to meet my metamours, I would much rather that we meet naturally in some way rather than arranging something to specifically make that happen. That makes it feel a bit awkward in my mind. But then again, I am British. Many perfectly ordinary social scenarios feel awkward to me.

After my ex boyfriend and I had been on a few dates in a very short amount of time, my husband and his girlfriend expressed an interest in meeting to get to know this person I was so obviously into (he met all of us at a party, but they hadn't interacted much with him). So I invited him over to my house on the night hubby and his girlfriend always spent together at our house. He commented that all day the scene from Monty Python about how "no one expects the Spanish Inquisition" went through his head. So I don't think you're the only one who feels like they'd rather have it happen organically, tenK.

I met my other partner's primary partner last winter when he invited me to watch anime with him, her, and his best friend. That felt ackward to me because I knew she really doesn't like the fact he's poly and even though we were more like friends with benefits at the time, I recognized that it might still be something she didn't like. I went anyway because my husband and his girlfriend were on vacation and I had asked to do something with him to keep myself from spiraling into depression. It was fun but I'm not sure I'd do it again.

 

[KC43]

I've met two of Woody's other partners (counting Highlight as a partner, since they're in kind of a limbo state at this point even though Woody keeps referring to it as a breakup). Stella prefers not to interact with me. Highlight and I interacted because Woody set things up a couple of times so we would have to, but that didn't go so well, and I've told him that if they get back together, I would prefer not to have contact with her other than at the two annual parties Woody hosts, which have enough guests that I would easily be able to avoid her. I've only been to one of those two, since the other one's in the summer. At that one, Stella was there; I said hi to her and then didn't see her again for the rest of the two hours she was there... even though I was right by Woody's side those two hours, at his request. So I would think avoiding Highlight would be relatively easy.

Strangely--to me at least--Franki, whom I've never met in person, and I have become close friends and talk on Facebook at least 4-5 times a week. She reached out to me online at Woody's request after he took me as his sub, and we got along so kept talking.

 

[IndieSolo]

When to meet metamour? How about never?

I'm wondering what different peoples experiences and expectations are around meeting a partners primary partner.

Is it something that is important to you?

I prefer to date people who don't apply a hierarchy to their relationships. If they have a long-term partner or spouse, or other lovers, whatever, I'll meet her/them if it happens to work out that way, but it isn't usually important enough to make me go out of my way to make a meeting happen.

Does anyone not want to ever meet? Is it weird if you don't meet?

No, it isn't weird if you don't want to meet. If you want to, go ahead; if not, don't.

Does anyone have it as a requirement that you do meet?

It would really rub me the wrong way if someone I dated had that kind of requirement, and I would balk if some kind of meeting was forced on me. I'd rather let things happen organically.