When to meet partners potential partners

T

Tulip

Member
We are in making our relationship boundaries/agreement and I am wondering if my request about when to meet my partners potential partners is normal/reasonable and also I am interesting in what other agreements are about this to get a gauge of how other people handle it.

Basically, I would like to meet them if it is going on to a third date - i.e. it seems they like each other and it could be becoming more that a few dates. And/or before sex happens.
 
I dont think that is a good thing to make a rule about. Within the poly people I interact with some prefer to meet metamours:
* before dating is even considered
* before/at the first date
*after the relationship is established
*never
* whenever (but they'd rule out anyone who has a rule about it)

So are you going to request that your partner strikes everyone who would want to meet you after the 3rd date of of the list? Or everyone who cannot meet you due to logstics/convenience?
 
Expressing your preferences is good. I agree that rules are frequently unnecessarily restrictive.
I introduced my husband to my new partner last weekend, but my new partner and I have been dating around two months. I was at the point where I was secure in the newer relationship and was excited to introduce them. Importantly, it wasn't a chore or a requirement or any form of gate keeping. Gate keeping rules create arguments when they become difficult to adhere to. Best to steer clear of making rules you're going to fight about later.
 
In my experience, the more comfortable i became with my partner dating, the less need or desire i had for rules or guidelines. In the beginning, I did want to meet his partners before they became too serious. It wasn't a rule, just a preference. And it only happened a few times and not even consistently in the beginning. Most of the time I don't even meet his other partners. Ironically, that's become my preference. I don't even wish to meet them unless it looks like the relationship will be serious or long term. I still like the idea of kitchen table poly but given the types of partners he chooses, it really isn't very feasible with Blue. On the flip side, he never wants to meet someone I'm dating.... unless it's a female he finds attractive :rolleyes:
 
Hi Tulip,

Meeting a partner's potential partner before the third date sounds reasonable to me. You just have to make sure your partner is in agreement with you on that point. Also, the potential partner has to agree to it. I think if you approach it as a guideline, you will be fine. After the first few meetups, you may not even feel the need for this rule in the future; who knows.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with some of the other posters that making a rule about it could be inherently problematic, because life happens. And if your meta is the type of person who doesn't wish to meet you at all? Their preferences are equally valid.

I prefer to meet people if possible, assuming they are okay with meeting me. My partners are the same way. But we don't have a rule or agreement about timing because it doesn't feel reasonable to make a rule about a relationship where the person doesn't exist yet.

Nothing wrong with expressing a preference, though.
 
Why do you want to meet them? Personally, I could take it or leave it, but I wouldn't be comfortable knowing I have to do it. That would seem like a job interview or something.
 
I would not date a poly person if I was required to meet their other partner before he and are allowed to have sex. It would sound like the other partner needs to "approve" of me.

It would sound like a hierarchical situation where there is a primary partner who makes rules about any other relationships and what is/is not allowed. That would not work for me.
 
MeeraReed said:
I would not date a poly person if I was required to meet their other partner before he and are allowed to have sex. It would sound like the other partner needs to "approve" of me.

It would sound like a hierarchical situation where there is a primary partner who makes rules about any other relationships and what is/is not allowed. That would not work for me.
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I second this.
 
MeeraReed said:
I would not date a poly person if I was required to meet their other partner before he and are allowed to have sex. It would sound like the other partner needs to "approve" of me.

It would sound like a hierarchical situation where there is a primary partner who makes rules about any other relationships and what is/is not allowed. That would not work for me.
Click to expand...

Yup
 
To answer the question why i want to meet them, I felt it would be good for both me and the potential partner as we become 'real people' to each other rather than imagined projections - They would be assured that I do acutally know whats going on (boyfriend is worried about people thinking he is just cheating and pretending I am ok with it as polyamoury/consensual non-monogamy is out of the range of awareness of most people where we live) and they could see that I was ok about it and a nice person and I could get a sense of them as a person so I wasnt projecting some perfect image of them out of my imagination so in this way I thought it would help with discomfort and jealousy type issues on both sides.

However, I take on board peoples feelings here that some have strong feelings about NOT wanting to meet there potential partners long term partner - I guess its all about figuring out whats right in each situation for everyone involved.
 
Personally, I find poly people develop a pretty quick radar on who is for real and who isn't. There are simple things like the fact that on a lot of dating sites, both (or sometimes all) members of a polycule will show up on my matches. Most people in my potential matches will be on Fetlife and so will their partners.

It has never occurred to me to verify officially unless there are causes for doubt.
 
That's good clarification Tulip, there are many good reasons why you would want to meet them, and at the same time you can make a judgment call on an individual basis.
 
Tulip said:
However, I take on board peoples feelings here that some have strong feelings about NOT wanting to meet there potential partners long term partner - I guess its all about figuring out whats right in each situation for everyone involved.
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I'll just elaborate slightly. I actually really enjoy getting to know a metamour, but I don't want to *have* to as a part of some gate keeping process or before I'm *allowed* to be intimate with my new interest.

Also, Adam and I agreed quite some time ago not to police each other's sex lives (other than a messy person list). We don't have rules around condom use, we trust each other to make those decisions on a case by case basis as we would for keeping out own selves safe(r), and by extension the rest of or polycule, whatever size and shape it happens to be at the time.
 
Tulip said:
To answer the question why i want to meet them, I felt it would be good for both me and the potential partner as we become 'real people' to each other rather than imagined projections - They would be assured that I do acutally know whats going on (boyfriend is worried about people thinking he is just cheating and pretending I am ok with it as polyamoury/consensual non-monogamy is out of the range of awareness of most people where we live) and they could see that I was ok about it and a nice person and I could get a sense of them as a person so I wasnt projecting some perfect image of them out of my imagination so in this way I thought it would help with discomfort and jealousy type issues on both sides.

However, I take on board peoples feelings here that some have strong feelings about NOT wanting to meet there potential partners long term partner - I guess its all about figuring out whats right in each situation for everyone involved.
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It probably seems like most of us don't want to meet our metamors. It's more about having that as a requirement. I wouldn't mind hanging out with a meta if they were someone I'd hang out with. We would just need more in common than being in a relationship with the same person. And it wouldn't feel right if someone told me we couldn't move further along unless/until I hung out with their meta. That would have the opposite of your intended consequence.
 
MeeraReed said:
I would not date a poly person if I was required to meet their other partner before he and are allowed to have sex. It would sound like the other partner needs to "approve" of me.

It would sound like a hierarchical situation where there is a primary partner who makes rules about any other relationships and what is/is not allowed. That would not work for me.
Click to expand...

I third this...

I am a private person and would be put off having to socialize to make someone else comfortable.
 
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I can see what the OP means though, about wanting other people who may not be familiar with poly to know that yes, this is indeed a poly marriage.

However, if your partner is going to date people who are unfamiliar with poly, that can be very tricky. I'm not sure if meeting potential metamours early would help with that, or not.
 
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