Hello.
I have been in a relationship with C for 9 years. I have been living with C and his wife P for about 8 years. We do not adhere to any sort of hierarchy. We all have other relationships (if that is important). Up until mid-last year, things have been pretty harmonious.
In August 2019, things became very difficult. C's mother had been sick for a while and passed away. P had a break up within the same day. P began demonstrating her emotions by stomping, slamming doors. I asked her to please not do that as it leaves me feeling really anxious for a while. Her behavior continued. Rather than talking about the issues that are bothering her, she bottles them up and explodes. After a month or so, she apologized for her behavior, and I was so happy. I felt proud that we could all move past the difficult time.
However, outbursts continued for various, scattered reasons. When it is pointed out that how she is communicating is unacceptable, she attempts to manipulate the situation so that she has reason for behaving the way she has. She has fabricated some incidences (like that I chased her out of the house.. which did not happen. At all. Two other people were present to establish this). Claims her needs aren't being listened to (after communicating them in ways that aren't considerate or appropriate at all). Has stated that P is emotionally abusive and neglectful (even after the death of his mother, she wanted him to pick up items from her ex's house and told him he was not being there for her emotionally). She went to therapy a couple of times.
C and P have not been on good terms for a while because of her behavior. The home environment was very heavy and tense. C and P made a time to talk. During that discussion, she got angry and left. Afterwards, P explained to her that we aren't comfortable with her coming back to live with us yet. This was a week or two before Thanksgiving. She also had another relationship of 8 years that dissolved - the other partner stating the similar reasoning. That her behavior is unfair and manipulative.
I have asked her not to contact me right now because interacting with her is not good for me. I have lost weight, got my prescription back for Ativan, and feel overwhelmed and like I am dropping the ball in other areas of my life. When I hear from her, I become physically ill - like throwing up. She contacted me about a week ago and ended up in her same reactive spirals where she says mean and untrue things and then backpedals by saying (paraphrasing) "we all have done things wrong, we have to do the hard work to rebuild". It is very difficult for me to see that happening when she does not see how horrible she is being.
Note: when she sends texts, I have only responded a handful of times because they turn into toxic, cyclical, unproductive conversations. I want her to see how she treats people. How reactive she is. I am not sure that she is actually thinking when she responds. I responded to this last text, and I encouraged her to re-read our messages to refresh herself on what the underlying issues are - hoping maybe she will see the inconsistencies, etc.
P and C have been together for a while, and C wants to make one last effort to resolve things with P and eventually have her come back to live with us.
It is becoming increasing difficult for me to be actively supportive. I am trying to hold out and not cut all ties with her in the event that maybe the P we know is actually still there and isn't this person. But things will never be the same. I do not want to be friends with her again. I am not even sure if we can be housemates. I have talked to C about this, and he is very understanding and reassures me that she will not be coming back unless there is an awakening/some realization on her part. He stated if she wants to come back before then, she can buy out his part of the house, and we will find another place to live. Both of these options stress me out.
I feel like I am in limbo waiting to see if C and P can work things out. It's a really hard position to be in especially when she is still contacting me and not in a nice way (she hasn't contacted me a lot - but when she does, I get this feeling of dread, and it's hard to shake). I am trying to be comfortable with not knowing, but that is difficult too.
I want to be there for C, but it's hard for me to see this working out the way we both hope it does. When I was upset once, I said I never wanted to live with her again. I regretted saying it - I could tell the hopelessness of the statement made C almost shatter.
When do you say enough is enough? Should I cut ties for my own sake - block her on everything? Do I just continue to wait? How can I be more patient and not hurt so much? I hate this mentality I keep having - I keep thinking how unfair it is that we are pretty much waiting for her to realize how bad she has treated everyone. Is the old P still there? Does it matter if the old P is still there?
I intend on seeing a therapist regarding this. But I also wanted advice from the community or to hear about similar situations. Thanks, everyone. I know this is super long. I appreciate your time.
I have been in a relationship with C for 9 years. I have been living with C and his wife P for about 8 years. We do not adhere to any sort of hierarchy. We all have other relationships (if that is important). Up until mid-last year, things have been pretty harmonious.
In August 2019, things became very difficult. C's mother had been sick for a while and passed away. P had a break up within the same day. P began demonstrating her emotions by stomping, slamming doors. I asked her to please not do that as it leaves me feeling really anxious for a while. Her behavior continued. Rather than talking about the issues that are bothering her, she bottles them up and explodes. After a month or so, she apologized for her behavior, and I was so happy. I felt proud that we could all move past the difficult time.
However, outbursts continued for various, scattered reasons. When it is pointed out that how she is communicating is unacceptable, she attempts to manipulate the situation so that she has reason for behaving the way she has. She has fabricated some incidences (like that I chased her out of the house.. which did not happen. At all. Two other people were present to establish this). Claims her needs aren't being listened to (after communicating them in ways that aren't considerate or appropriate at all). Has stated that P is emotionally abusive and neglectful (even after the death of his mother, she wanted him to pick up items from her ex's house and told him he was not being there for her emotionally). She went to therapy a couple of times.
C and P have not been on good terms for a while because of her behavior. The home environment was very heavy and tense. C and P made a time to talk. During that discussion, she got angry and left. Afterwards, P explained to her that we aren't comfortable with her coming back to live with us yet. This was a week or two before Thanksgiving. She also had another relationship of 8 years that dissolved - the other partner stating the similar reasoning. That her behavior is unfair and manipulative.
I have asked her not to contact me right now because interacting with her is not good for me. I have lost weight, got my prescription back for Ativan, and feel overwhelmed and like I am dropping the ball in other areas of my life. When I hear from her, I become physically ill - like throwing up. She contacted me about a week ago and ended up in her same reactive spirals where she says mean and untrue things and then backpedals by saying (paraphrasing) "we all have done things wrong, we have to do the hard work to rebuild". It is very difficult for me to see that happening when she does not see how horrible she is being.
Note: when she sends texts, I have only responded a handful of times because they turn into toxic, cyclical, unproductive conversations. I want her to see how she treats people. How reactive she is. I am not sure that she is actually thinking when she responds. I responded to this last text, and I encouraged her to re-read our messages to refresh herself on what the underlying issues are - hoping maybe she will see the inconsistencies, etc.
P and C have been together for a while, and C wants to make one last effort to resolve things with P and eventually have her come back to live with us.
It is becoming increasing difficult for me to be actively supportive. I am trying to hold out and not cut all ties with her in the event that maybe the P we know is actually still there and isn't this person. But things will never be the same. I do not want to be friends with her again. I am not even sure if we can be housemates. I have talked to C about this, and he is very understanding and reassures me that she will not be coming back unless there is an awakening/some realization on her part. He stated if she wants to come back before then, she can buy out his part of the house, and we will find another place to live. Both of these options stress me out.
I feel like I am in limbo waiting to see if C and P can work things out. It's a really hard position to be in especially when she is still contacting me and not in a nice way (she hasn't contacted me a lot - but when she does, I get this feeling of dread, and it's hard to shake). I am trying to be comfortable with not knowing, but that is difficult too.
I want to be there for C, but it's hard for me to see this working out the way we both hope it does. When I was upset once, I said I never wanted to live with her again. I regretted saying it - I could tell the hopelessness of the statement made C almost shatter.
When do you say enough is enough? Should I cut ties for my own sake - block her on everything? Do I just continue to wait? How can I be more patient and not hurt so much? I hate this mentality I keep having - I keep thinking how unfair it is that we are pretty much waiting for her to realize how bad she has treated everyone. Is the old P still there? Does it matter if the old P is still there?
I intend on seeing a therapist regarding this. But I also wanted advice from the community or to hear about similar situations. Thanks, everyone. I know this is super long. I appreciate your time.
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