When your girlfriend talks about her ex

P

Peggy1972

New member
How do I handle girlfriend talking about her Ed? She says she wishes he was this sweet too their two kids 5 years ago and maybe they wouldn’t be divorced? What am I supposed to say?

My response was really? Is this the same guy who could afford to pay your mortgage but instead let the house go into foreclosure to punish you? And didn’t he only give you like $200 a week and forced you to spend all your 401 k to get by?

Damm he spends money on her and the kids now.. but it’s easy to spend money when you have it.. what is harder is having someone show up at 5 am before work for a week to make sure the generator is running so you and the kids ha e heat?

Should I feel twisted because I do?’n
 
How do I handle girlfriend talking about her Ed? She says she wishes he was this sweet too their two kids 5 years ago and maybe they wouldn’t be divorced? What am I supposed to say?
Click to expand...

To me it sounds like she is grieving. If so? Could let her grieve. Could say "Yeah, it's sad he didn't do that back then" or "I see you wish he had been nicer to the kids back then"

Just reflect back what she said and don't take it personally or think too hard on it.

My response was really? Is this the same guy who could afford to pay your mortgage but instead let the house go into foreclosure to punish you? And didn’t he only give you like $200 a week and forced you to spend all your 401 k to get by?
Click to expand...

That is YOUR response. And sounds like in reality he was a real jerk. But if she having a sad spell and grieving for the loss of her hopes that she used to have going into the marriage or into parenting? And in reality he was a jerk and things didn't turn out so hot? Could let her have some safe space so she can work through her grief process and make peace with herself inside.

Encourage her to counseling if she needs more support.

Damm he spends money on her and the kids now.. but it’s easy to spend money when you have it.. what is harder is having someone show up at 5 am before work for a week to make sure the generator is running so you and the kids have heat? Should I feel twisted because I do?’n
Click to expand...

That sounds like YOUR need to be appreciated and not taken for granted. Maybe hearing her grieve about what she wishes he had done in the past triggers your "Hello? I'm here TODAY. What am I? Chopped liver?" button.

You could tell her that sometimes YOU could use words of encouragement and appreciation at a later point in time. It might not be realistic to expect a person who is grieving to do that for you right now. But that doesn't mean you can't bring it up when she's NOT in the middle of a sad space.

Asking for what YOU need is ok too.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
All of the words and requests in the world can't change the fears that you bring to this situation. Nobody can wave a few words (or a few actions) and make our internal monologue be something that it is not. Believe me when I tell you (and I know from vast experience) that whatever tangle is going with an Ex is happening because of how you are seeing yourself and the situation. It's so easy to blame the unsavory behavior of others, but the reality is that Exes are whatever you make them. You can't change other people, but you can change your attitude about this whole situation in your mind - you have that complete control. Struggling to figure out other people, and even worse, blaming other people and needing them to be different leads us nowhere but onto a hamster wheel of anxiety.

When we look at things differently, only then can the things we look at be different.
 
Hi Peggy,

I'm sorry you feel twisted, that must hurt inside. Your girlfriend is obviously seeing her ex through rose-colored lenses, she is totally not remembering how many bad things he did to her in the past. I guess he's spending money on her (and the kids) now, and that is why she is suddenly sweet on him? That probably makes you feel like she doesn't appreciate you (and the other good people in her life). She does not see that her ex is pulling the wool over her eyes. You said to her, "Really? Is this the same guy who could afford to pay your mortgage but instead let the house go into foreclosure to punish you? and didn't he only give you like $200 a week and forced you to spend all your 401(k) to get by?" What was her response to that?

The only other thing I can think of is you could say, "When you say things like that, it makes me feel like I'm not important in your life. I've always treated you good, haven't I?" Then see what she has to say about that. Although maybe she is just grieving for the ex she wishes she had, in which case you could say, "Yes, it would have been nice if he would have been nice to you and the kids." Resist the temptation to sarcastically add, "Then you wouldn't have been stuck now with me, right?" :mad:

I hope she'll be more appreciative of you in the future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Peggy1972 said:
My response was really? Is this the same guy who could afford to pay your mortgage but instead let the house go into foreclosure to punish you? And didn’t he only give you like $200 a week and forced you to spend all your 401 k to get by?
Click to expand...

It seems like this conversation should have gone further to resolution.

You mentioned checking the generator at 5 am every day. Was it inviting a compliment that didn't happen?

She didn't re-assure you or demonstrate some empathy for you?
 
Thanks everyone!

Yes they have kids together and I understand he will always be a part of her life and he should be...

It’s just hard to hear her sing his praises when I know she has suffered because because of things he did and continues to suffer some of the co sequences..

i Am always there helping her and the kids with the every day life problems and sometimes it seems unfair that he gets more of her time and has all the fun with her and the kids..

Like this weekend they did a family weekend at an amusement park. We didn’t get to see her this weekend ... and I am the one who is driving her child to religion class tomorrow because she has work.. and I am the one who she asked to pick up her coat last week to bring it to a tailor to get fixed...

But he is the one who got to see her this weekend and have fun..

So yes I do feel jealous


And I rarely complain or say anything about the ex as I know it isn’t my place...

Not sure what to do about it 😋
 
You don't have to complain about the ex. You have to state what YOU can and cannot deal with.

If you need to be doing less "chores" stuff and more "fun" stuff... address it.

I am the one who is driving her child to religion class tomorrow because she has work.. and I am the one who she asked to pick up her coat last week to bring it to a tailor to get fixed...
Click to expand...

Could gently say NO when these requests come up.

  • That you are willing to help with THESE areas... but not THOSE.
  • Or you are willing to help X times a week, but past that you have to be dealing with your own household.

If she makes requests and you take them and end up overextended? That's a choice YOU can change. You could stop taking so many requests. Let her make alternate arrangements for the ones you are not willing and able to field.

Could tell her you don't always want to be the "chore partner." That you have noticed it's been X weeks since a "fun time" and would like to talk about balancing the calendar so you have fun time with her too. Not only chores and errand time.

Actually address what is on YOUR plate and YOUR time management.

It’s just hard to hear her sing his praises when I know she has suffered because because of things he did and continues to suffer some of the co sequences..
Click to expand...

If you need to hear less of that? Encourage her to talk to a counselor rather than you. State your personal limits. Like...

"I know. It's hard for you. I'm not the right person to air that stuff out with though. I think you could benefit from a counselor who can be neutral. It’s hard for me to hear you sing his praises when I know you have suffered because because of things he did and continue to suffer some of the consequences. You need to air out and talk to be more ok. I need to hear less to be more ok."

Be more honest in this relationship. First with yourself -- what you are and are not up for, what you can and cannot do. Then with her.

Otherwise if you keep overextending yourself you are gonna feel dumped on and burn out.

It's ok for her to be processing and grieving and so on. But that doesn't mean you have to be her free therapist AND do the generator AND do the kid taxi AND do the coat repair and run yourself ragged.

Create a better balance here between (what YOU need to be more ok) and (what she needs to be more ok.)

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Peggy1972 said:
Thanks everyone!

Yes they have kids together and I understand he will always be a part of her life and he should be...

It’s just hard to hear her sing his praises when I know she has suffered because because of things he did and continues to suffer some of the co sequences..

i Am always there helping her and the kids with the every day life problems and sometimes it seems unfair that he gets more of her time and has all the fun with her and the kids..

Like this weekend they did a family weekend at an amusement park. We didn’t get to see her this weekend ... and I am the one who is driving her child to religion class tomorrow because she has work.. and I am the one who she asked to pick up her coat last week to bring it to a tailor to get fixed...

But he is the one who got to see her this weekend and have fun..

So yes I do feel jealous


And I rarely complain or say anything about the ex as I know it isn’t my place...

Not sure what to do about it 😋
Click to expand...

I'm confused (or maybe just slow). Are the two of you monogamous or poly? Who is the "we" that didn't get to see her?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top