When Your Significant Other is Having Problems with Their Significant Other

[portmanteau]

How do you handle venting about some issue in your other relationship(s) to your significant other? How do you handle responding when your significant other vents?

We bumped up against this recently.

We were (and are) best friends first, so talking about our relationships and how we may be feeling about them is normal. Also, it would be weird to try and hide or omit how we're feeling and not talk about the cause.

But, now, this seems to require a lot more sensitivity. I don't want to be disrespectful. In this case, it was her venting and me responding, but I'm contemplating when the reverse happens too.

Neither of us were ever much into spouse bashing before we were together, when one or the other would vent. It was always more problem-solving (as well as empathizing and commiserating). It seems words are more loaded now. Even an, "I'm so sorry, I love you" feels like it carries extra meaning in the context of "when he's just done something that really upset you."

So, I'm just wondering how other people handle that.

Do you vent about one to another or avoid it? Or, do you just think more carefully about how you say things than you might if venting to someone else? How do you respond to venting from your sig. other about their significant other?

 

[Inyourendo]

Yep we both vent. Neither of us advise each other, we are just there for each other. We listen and support. Like recently husband's fuck buddy who he recently went barrier free with told him she might not be able to hook up anymore and it kind of upset him because he only went barrier free because he assumed that they would be long term lovers. It's good that he can talk to someone about something that is bothering him.

 

[Bunnielight]

How do you handle venting about some issue in your other relationship(s) to your significant other? How do you handle responding when your significant other vents?

Do you vent about one to another or avoid it? Or, do you just think more carefully about how you say things than you might if venting to someone else? How do you respond to venting from your sig. other about their significant other?

As for me, I usually keep quiet about my problems unless it's a really significant issue. Mainly because I usually do that, regardless, when it comes to issues in my relationship. If I say anything to anyone before I approach the issue, it's usually my significant other or metamour. And when I do, I try to remain as unbias and understanding as possible.

Ex: "What should I take from him saying [this]? Am I reading too much into it?"
"How do I approach this serious situation without offending them or making them think I'm angry?"


As for Zed, I try and do the same for him. He has a habit of overreacting and becoming angry very quickly and it can cause communication to jumble as well as him saying things he may not mean. Even in those situations, I'm fairly good at staying neutral and trying to understand the situation from all angles.

I always try and bring some female perspective to him so that it helps him better understand what she may be feeling in certain situations. And I NEVER EVER confront them about the issues between them. I let them vent, stay supportive, and ride it out.

I've made the mistake of stepping in a couple of times when things have gotten seriously out of hand and it's only resulted in a really bad response.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad you are thinking about information management.

If this were sex details, I wouldn't want to hear anything unless spouse's GF was ok with that. Just basic health hygiene data like birth control and labs. Those things affect me and my life -- I don't want cooties and I don't want surprise ooopsie babies to have to deal with. But telling me the details of their sex life -- that would be GF's info too. It's not ONLY his. So I don't feel comfortable hearing about it unless she's given consent to that information being shared out.

It's the same thing with their arguments. A basic "Sorry I'm a bit down today. Had an argument with GF" is enough to explain the down mood. I'd like to know calendar things that affect me -- "Heads up. Next week might be different than the usual pattern. We're having an argument and might need extra time to work that through." But I don't need to know details.

I think it is best to comfort in and kvetch out until all persons in this poly network talk about where the comfort lines are for info management in this grouping.

A might not care if (A + Hinge) sex details are shared with B but does care about argument details are shared. A is ok hearing either sex details or argument details between (B + Hinge).

B might be opposite in preference. Doesn't care if argument details are shared but minds if sex details are.

C might want no details shared. Prefers problems get aired out directly with the person it involves, with friends outside the poly network, or counselor outside the network.

YKWIM?

You are in the poly network inner circle at this time. Her kvetching at you about him is kvetching in. That could lead to you feeling angry towards him and him feeling angry towards her for blabbing. That escalates the anger and upset rather then deescalate. It would be better for her to kvetch outside the circle to a close friend instead for now until things get sorted.

When things are calm and nobody is arguing any more? Could talk info management over with them. What's the info management things in this grouping going to be like? What are the preferences so everyone feels respected? Every grouping is different. So until you know what THIS grouping wants to be like... comfort in kvetch out.

In those shoes that's what I would do. Ride this one argument out, encourage her to kvetch with her friends instead of me, but note that this is an area where my poly network needs to sort some stuff out.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

Each one is different. I can talk to Mary about things because we are friends first. I am one of the few outlets for her to talk about her problems at home.

Sprite likes to hear what is going on in my life. She is my only fully poly partner so she always has great insight. I try not not burden her with too much because we have so little time together. She also tells me what is going on with her relationships.

Cat would rather not hear about much. I am there for her though.

Elle...well she tried to rope me into a monogamous relationship so I don't really talk to her about problems because she'll turn it into "spouse bashing".

 

[AutumnLeaves]

I vent to Guitarist about everything that doesn't involve Purr stuff, because we've been exceptionally good friends for much longer than we've been poly. I've also vented to Purr about Marian stuff, and Marian about Purr stuff. But I won't vent to Guitarist about Purr, or vice versa, because they're also in a relationship together and that wouldn't be fair to them.

But honestly, I vent to Flame the most. He knows how much I love Guitarist and he knows the context of our whole relationship (since he's my best friend), so he doesn't think I'm trying to cut Guitarist down or respond with 'leave his ass' or something else unwelcome. He's very poly-positive, so I can vent about Purr or Marian too. And he's not involved in a relationship with me, so he's not invested, which is nice.

I think venting is normal. I don't mind when my lovers vent about their OSOs. I just try to respond with normal things, like 'well that sucks' or 'have you thought about X' or 'I'm not sure I agree with you,' just like I would in any other friendship.

 

[kdt26417]

My modus operandi is to lend a listening ear without trying to fix the problem. I might say something like, "That sounds frustrating." I might ask questions if I don't think it's too personal. But I'll only give advice if specifically asked for it.

I also keep private stuff private and don't spread it around.

I just have one partner (to vent to), but that's okay because she doesn't do anything that bothers me so much that I would need to vent. It's true!

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I vent to both of them. I don't share any sexual details beyond birth control. They also tell me any issue they have with the other person.

Because we were visiting together, husband got drawn in into the existentional crisis of boyfriend. But the more I think about it, the more I see the positive in that: boyfriend likes to share not only with me, but my husband too. He could have easily pulled me aside and not told my husband too, but that's not how he did it. He only shared his feelings with his brother apart from us.