Where to start?

[hdM]

Before my love and I tied the knot, our relationship was much more open. We never stopped being poly in theory but needed to do some self care and relationship mending before we could be fully open. I am bi, he is Herero and we have gotten to a place where we feel like we each and collectively are healthy enough to open the relationship up to another. We'd like a girlfriend, same lady for both of us, and both of us are super into commitment and closed circle relationships. I am on OkCupid, another poly friend suggested it, but have NO idea what else to do to meet someone. I don't expect to get engaged one the first date, but we don't swing either. Any ideas? Dating sites? Norther CO is sadly devoid of any GLBTQ scene and I have to be careful because I teacher at an elementary school... any help would be great

 

[kdt26417]

Hi hdM,

There are other dating sites besides OKC, but none of them come nearly as highly recommended.

• https://en.lovoo.com/#/
• http://www.beyondtwo.com/
• https://www.openminded.com/
• http://adultfriendfinder.com/
• http://www.polymatchmaker.com/

A second idea is looking for local poly groups in your area. Try googling "Colorado polyamory" or "polyamory" with the name of the major city closest to you. If that fails to generate some results, try the following:

• https://fetlife.com/
• http://www.facebook.com/
• http://polyamory.meetup.com/
• http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
• http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
• http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/

It's a difficult search in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[hdM]

Thank you

 

[kdt26417]

No problem.

 

[YouAreHere]

AdultFriendFinder was recently hit with one hell of a data breach. Pay attention to privacy policies and what they do with your data, especially if you're not out as open/poly to everyone:

https://www.wired.com/2016/11/hack-brief-412m-accounts-breached-friendfinder-sex-sites/

 

[FallenAngelina]

Everyone we have been interested in is intimated by the length of our relationship and our history.

This is from your intro post and if you'd rather not explore it here, that's OK. But this is worth thinking about.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi. I see a problem with what you and your husband are looking for. You seek a "unicorn." Do a search here with that term to familiarise yourselves with the concept.

Dating is hard. Most poly couples date independently, and seek separate partners. Finding one person who will meet the needs and desires of both of you is extremely hard, if not impossible. Hence the unicorn term.

A hot bi babe (HBB) who will be into both of you equally? This can and will cause envy and jealousy issues. What if she likes one of you more? This almost always happens. What if she doesn't like 3way sex? What if she is envious of the sex, the dates, the other intimate times you two have when she isn't there? What if you two discuss her when you are alone together, but she doesn't get one on one time with either of you?

The problems are endless.

Please read this:

http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

After you have more fully informed yourselves about the problems with unicorn hunting, you may change your mind about finding a "girl" to be your "third" to "bring into the relationship" you already have.

Poly peoples' dating pool is small. Only seeking a woman who is willing and able to be your shared gf, and she isn't allowed to date anyone else either, even though you two can go on dates together... it decreases your dating pool, and it's just unfair to the women you seek. Many unicorns who try to get involved with a couple end up being used as unpaid housekeepers and babysitters. There are endless stories here from women who have been mistreated this way.

The only successful triads are those where one person of a couple meets and starts seeing one other. Then she may fall for the other person of the couple as well. It may become full on lovers/partners. It may become FWBs. It may be unsexual and just a good friend. But once in a while all the pieces fit and you get a successful balanced triad.

Much more common is a V. Say you meet a woman and you click. She isn't interested in your husband. You are then the hinge in V. Likewise your h might meet someone, and then he is the hinge of his own V.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Before my love and I tied the knot, our relationship was much more open.

What worked for you before marriage? Did you date as a couple or separately? Did you have love relationships or were they more sex focused? Married couples often think that they have to date together to keep their relationship together in the effort to "share everything," but as Magdlyn points out, this approach has many pitfalls. Why not date separately? All of the long term and active poly couples that I know date as separate individuals.