Which way to turn?

No, cuz he just wasted the gas to come for an hour and then turn around and make the 20 min trip back up there, got a speeding ticket for $90 that we dont have, and got mad at me for not supporting him. He felt he was wronged because everyone else was speeding and he was the one to get pulled over. Sorry but illegal is illegal. And now I've gotta come up with $90 to pay it.

I'm sure we'll talk it all out when he gets back tonight, but for right now I'm pissed. he started yelling the minute he walked in the door.

And, I'm not going to call and interupt Crickets time with him, just because I'm upset.

Like I said, I've dealt with this pain before he was ever in my life, I can do it with him gone for one night. It's the fact that he didn't seem to care that upset me.

And it doesn't matter if he's my husband, my boyfriend, my fuck buddy, whatever. I expect common courtesy. I'd expect him to do the same for Cricket. It has nothing to do with what I expect because he's my husband, I expect that out of all people I'm close with. I do it for them.

I do think some people think they are better because they are the spouse, or that they deserve more because of it. And in some ways I do think I have certain rights because I'm his wife and I don't feel bad for it. But this has nothing to do with that. It has to do with a need I have expressed over and over again, not being met. I asked last night what his plans were for today and there was no mention of going to see Cricket and I said okay cuz we need to go schedule your classes. Then I wake up to a kiss goodbye. That is not okay in my book. I'm upset becuase it seemed that his normal concern for how I am feeling was lost. If it wasn't something that was normal to our routine, then yes, it's on me for not expressing my needs. But I wasn't even given a chance to express those needs.

He barely spoke with Cricket while she was sick last week, so maybe there is something going on that is bothering him and he isn't telling me, which just makes me mad all over again, because that means he's not talking to me about things that are bothering him.
 
And it doesn't matter if he's my husband, my boyfriend, my fuck buddy, whatever. I expect common courtesy. I'd expect him to do the same for Cricket. It has nothing to do with what I expect because he's my husband, I expect that out of all people I'm close with. I do it for them.
My sentiments exactly. Totally agreed.

I'm so sorry, M. Seems like there is a lot going on and, truly, seems like he does have something else going on with him which is causing him to be inconsiderate of your needs and feelings right now.

You are absolutely correct, though, and I just hope you guys can work it out before you go out of town.

You still are very considerate given the circumstances and I commend you for that.

Now, I have a question for you in reference to your statement about him not expressing what is on his mind to you and this is really general and moreso for reflection on my own relationship. I understand that we want our partners to be open with us about where they are mentally and emotionally, etc, but where is the line as far as discussing the things that are bothering one person regarding one relationship (i.e. Karma & Cricket's) with a partner that cannot remedy the situation versus the partner who is directly linked to the turmoil? I asked because I'm still trying to sort through my feelings about similar circumstances and discoverying the root of the emotions I feel. For instance, I'm sure that P (my male partner) talks to H (his wife), in detail, about me when he is bothered about something in our relationship; however, I know that he does not talk to me, in detail, about H when he is disturbed in their relationship. He will turn to me and let me know he is upset but that is pretty much the extent. So...it doesn't bother me that he doesn't share with me when they are having issues but it does bother me that he does share with her prior to discussing the situation with me when we are having issues. I'm all about addressing the relevant person when there are issues to be addressed and working through your thoughts and what not with the person who can make a difference, first and foremost, before disclosing the issues in details to the other partner (polyamory.com not included:)). Do you think I have in footing in that mindset or am I delusional?
 
Now, I have a question for you in reference to your statement about him not expressing what is on his mind to you and this is really general and moreso for reflection on my own relationship. I understand that we want our partners to be open with us about where they are mentally and emotionally, etc, but where is the line as far as discussing the things that are bothering one person regarding one relationship (i.e. Karma & Cricket's) with a partner that cannot remedy the situation versus the partner who is directly linked to the turmoil? I asked because I'm still trying to sort through my feelings about similar circumstances and discoverying the root of the emotions I feel. For instance, I'm sure that P (my male partner) talks to H (his wife), in detail, about me when he is bothered about something in our relationship; however, I know that he does not talk to me, in detail, about H when he is disturbed in their relationship. He will turn to me and let me know he is upset but that is pretty much the extent. So...it doesn't bother me that he doesn't share with me when they are having issues but it does bother me that he does share with her prior to discussing the situation with me when we are having issues. I'm all about addressing the relevant person when there are issues to be addressed and working through your thoughts and what not with the person who can make a difference, first and foremost, before disclosing the issues in details to the other partner (polyamory.com not included:)). Do you think I have in footing in that mindset or am I delusional?


Karma talks to both Cricket and I about issues with both of us. I guess it depends on comfort levels. If he is trying to sort things out before talking to me about something, I don't really mind. If he is bitching at her about something to do with me and not telling me what the problem is , or the other way around, then that I have a problem with.

So I guess if you don't want him speaking to her about you, then you need to tell him. I think this is one of those boundry things that is universal. Poly or not, if you don't want your partner talking about specific things with specific people, they need to respect that.

Karma and I had a hard time when Cricket and I weren't getting along, b/c aside from him Panda was the only one I had to talk to about it. But Karma didn't want to deal with Panda yelling at him or Cricket, and at times he felt like she had no business knowing what was going on, so he'd get mad at me for talking to her about it.

It was hard to respect that boundry because Panda was the only one I had to talk to. But once he FINALY told me it was bothering him, I started checking before I called her.
 
Thank you for that. I did think of discussing it with him but, being that this is their very first poly experience and not mine, I'm a little leary because I think he makes sure he emphasizes (a bit too much) that H is the primary part of the equation and that it is 'them' versus 'him', etc and being that she recently informed both of us that she was not physically attracted to me (after 6 months of trying to make herself attracted to me, it would seem) and wanted to cease the intimate part of our relationship, I don't think the timing is right. I know he will absorb it as an exclusion versus a boundary such as the ones she is allowed to put up.
 
As usual he came home and we talked things out. I'm still not exactly sure what was up with him running out with no regard to anything else, but my issues are out there and he is aware of them.

And it led to talks of other things so overall it was a good talk.
 
I'm glad you two were able to talk and bring out other topics that also needed to be addressed and I'm glad you were able to fully express your concerns. :) Sending you loads of strength, healing energy, and some of my manual assistance for your errands today~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:D
 
2 days and I leave for Ohio.

Excited and nervous. I still don't want to leave. I've been in a lot of shoulder and neck pain and not sure how I'm going to be able to work. I haven't heard from the bakery so I dunno if I even still have the job. Nervous about making that drive alone. I've never done it without a hotel stop half way. But we can't afford it so I've gotta make it in one day.

I'm looking forward to the family time. We're decorating my parents house of Sunday, and who knows what else my brother has planned. I have a ton of play dates set up for my niece and several of my friends kids. It'll be fun to hang out with friends I haven't seen in awhile.

I just have to make the 15 days I'll be away from Karma, nice and busy. He said today it was setting in that I was leaving and he was having a hard time with it. Made me sad. I don't want him to be upset, but he isn't usualy verbal with that kind of stuff so in a weird way, it made me feel good to know I will be missed.
 
Ohio has been a rollercoaster already. I spent all day yesturday crying. I hadn't slept in the previous three nights and I was missing Karma so much. I have a hard time controlling my emotions as is, when I don't sleep it's horrible. It's so hard to be apart from him. To not have snoogle time. But he's coming in a day early b/c my schedule is weird and we'd never see eachother if he came in when planned. So I am looking forward to that.

Started work yesturday. Was fun. My back hurt, but this morning I am doing okay pain wise. I work again today and possibly tomorow. Making the lowest I have made in a while, but it's better than not making anything.

My dad is having surgery on Thursday. Nothing big, cataracts. but he has a hard time with anything medical. It makes him think of mortality and he doesn't do well with it. So things have been very emotionaly charged here. He's upset, my mom is in this mode of...I don't even know. I'm annoyed with her and worried about her at the same time.

My brother has been here everynight since Saturday. We put up the tree on Sunday. My niece helped, and she really did help, it was so sweet. She recorded a video for Uncle Karma, telling him she missed him and loved him and blowing kisses. She'll be here the next two nights. It's so nice getting to spend so much time with her.

The snow has been coming down since Satuday as well, so I'm loving that!

I've noticed a huge difference in my pain already. I love how the climate make such a difference in how I feel.

So overall, I'm doing really well. I miss Karma so much. But I just keep trying to get to the end, without wishing away my time with my brother and my neice.
 
trying not to let my imagination get the best of me. Karma and I were talking online last night. Then he vanished. He still hasn't messaged me back or returned my calls.

It's hard enough being away, but being in the middle of a conversation and not knowing what happened, and not getting a goodnight phonecall, kinda has me freaking out.
 
trying not to let my imagination get the best of me. Karma and I were talking online last night. Then he vanished. He still hasn't messaged me back or returned my calls.

It's hard enough being away, but being in the middle of a conversation and not knowing what happened, and not getting a goodnight phonecall, kinda has me freaking out.
Yes, I can see where this would freak you out. Heck, it has ME freaked out! :eek: Sending good vibes your way. ;) Remember "The Secret"...Believe it...and make it so.
 
I talked to a friend who is staying with him and he said he was home and okay as of last night. But friend had to work early this morning so he went to bed early and has been gone most of the day. So I'm kinda relieved, but kinda not.
 
Okay apparently facebook was giving him problems last night which was why he got off the computer without a word, and then just decided not to call to finish the convo. And never got my call.

I dunno. I'm trying hard to take it as it is, but it rings so close to how things used to be. It sounds like an exscuse.

I trust him. I trust that what he is telling me is the truth. I just need to conquer the old fears.

It just seems weird that there was no good night call, no desire to finish the conversation, and it was one I thought he'd want to finish, so my brain went to all kinds of scenarios.

But we made a promise that if that happens again, he'll call and tell me why he disapeared and we'll have a goodnight call everynight.
 
I dunno. I'm trying hard to take it as it is, but it rings so close to how things used to be. It sounds like an exscuse.

It is real easy to fall back into old habits. I think we all need to be called on our shit, when we start sliding into old habits. It's easy to overlook it the first couple of times and suffer the pain without saying anything, but what does that accomplish? Nothing, but reminders of past betrayals that keep building as the old habits continue because we weren't called on it when it was first noticed.


But we made a promise that if that happens again, he'll call and tell me why he disapeared and we'll have a goodnight call everynight.

:D
 
^^^^^^^^

Indeed.
 
Maybe it's not about not getting her, as much as it is not being that young anymore.

Possibly and from what she has described on here, she is under a tremendous amount of stress right now, with home and school.

Sending positive thoughts your way.
 
It seems to me that there is a need to prove something here, and I find that juvinile and just plain out stupid.

I only bring it up, in as much as it applies to me, I have worked so hard to allow for him to feel comfortable being there for her, he has worked so hard to juggle both of our needs, and it seems like it was all in vain because she needs to prove something.

Mohegan, you've admitted you don't get where I'm coming from, you've expressed your anger with me. I respect that. I am truly sorry for hurting Karma, and as a result, you.

For once, get off your soapbox, and stop talking about me like I'm a child too stupid to make their own decisions. You're always questioning my sincerity, my honesty, my courage, my strength. You've been doing that for a long time, and I have done my best not to challenge you in such a way. The moment I make a choice for myself, you're always accusing me of cowardice, pettiness, or having something to prove, or some ulterior motive. That is why I feel like you make snap judgments, and don't give people a chance.

This is something I have chosen to do because I feel like my relationship with Karma can't go forward right now. I feel like I can change that with some serious work in my own head.
It took this entire past year for me to get to the point where I can even consider stepping out on my own to face my own damn baggage.
Karma and I both hurt and learned and grew this year. We both took harsh lessons. This past year was NOT in vain, and I'm really sorry that you can't see it.

I understand that it hurts him for me to step back, but you're always telling me to get the fuck over everyone else's pain and do what I have to do.

Please at least respect that I have made a decision based on the lessons I've learned, and that while I know it doesn't look that way to you, I made this decision with the best intentions for EVERYBODY involved.
 
Karma stated not long ago that he needed to take time to handle his own issues, and needed to stop taking on other people's. That's something you'd been telling him to do for a long time too.

Given the opportunity, I'll hide behind him when faced with harsh realities. I'm taking that chance out of the equation right now. That way he doesn't get weighed down worrying about problems that I fail to fix - which is something I feel like I've gotten a fair bit of criticism from you for doing.

He and I both have changes to enact in our own lives for the better. Right now, I feel like I need to stand alone, without someone to turn into a crutch, in order to make those changes in mine.
 
That way he doesn't get weighed down worrying about problems that I fail to fix - which is something I feel like I've gotten a fair bit of criticism from you for doing.

I've never criticized you for Karmas actions. Part of that whole we're responsible for our own actions things. I have criticized you for failing to fix problems you continualy fall into.

But regardless...I hope you find what you're looking for.

And my soapbox as you call it, is how I feel. I'm not going to apologize for that. Something else we've never seen eye to eye about.
 
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