So it's been awhile since I've been on here. I've spent a lot of time pondering what the hell happened, how to move on, and if I'm even still polyamorous. I have a few answers, but I'm still searching for many more.
I think the time has come to tell my part of what happened between me and Cricket, from my perspective.
Most of you are familiar with how this all atarted - my infidelity, a string of one-night stands, and then I met Cricket. I fell fast and hard, and was left wondering what the hell was happening to me. I finally came clean to Mo, and we tried to make the poly thing work.
J, at the time a friend of mine, was with me the night I met Cricket. I started flirting with her, and he started flirting with someone who was at the time her best friend. Months later, after thigns had been mostly smoothed over between me, Mo, and Cricket, J told me he had always had feelings for her. I told them both that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, I was OK with it, so long as everyone was honest with each other and I wasn't getting pushed out of her life.
This was a god damn rollercoaster. It ended - or so I thought - with J breaking things off with Cricket, telling her that he couldn't handle the poly thing. I was a fool for trusting him - a recurring theme in our "friendship", it would seem. Before they broke up, Cricket had a sort of fling/relationship thing with D, again with me telling her that it was ok if that was what she wanted. I knew it was a bad idea, but it wasn't my place to tell her what she could or could not do.
It was a MONUMENTALLY bad idea, as it turns out.
So, D is out of the picture, and she and J are "just friends". Things are going good, or so I thought.
Around December, Cricket starts a conversation with me by telling me that J is moving to Pittsburgh in March, something I was already aware of. Three hours later, this conversation ends with her telling me that J suggested that she needs to "take a break from relationships to get her head straight", and she thinks he's right. I was heartbroken, but I figured if that was what she really needed, then we should do what was best for her. I should have known better right off the bat.
We ended a very painful night with many kissses, holding each other, and with many I love yous. The very next night, J and I were over at her place and she wouldn't even touch me. No explanation, no warning, nothing.
Two weeks later, while I was in Ohio tearing myself apart trying to figure out what I had done wrong, J had moved in to her parents house with her and was fucking her. They decided to hide this from me - I didn't find out until three days before my birthday, at the end of February, and I discovered it by noticing the hickeys on J's neck.
The entire time this was going on, Cricket was coming up with excuse after excuse to not see me. I asked her repeatedly to tell me what was going on, what was wrong, and why she was acting this way. I never got any definite answers, until the day after I noticed these hickeys. What I did get was "I love you, but I have things to deal with right now." The day after I found the hickeys, we had a long talk where she once again told me that she still loved me, but she needed "A full time boyfriend right now". SHe brought an 11 page letter detailing all the issues she had with me - issues I thought were LONG since dead, that I had fixed. She had never told me theses thigns were still bothering her. Given that 11 pages is a lot to read and I was tryin to have a conversation with her, I asked her if I could take the letter with me to read. She told me that the notebook it was in had homework in it. I wondered why she couldn't just take the letter out at that point, but instead I asked her if we could get together later on so I could read it in full, and she agreed.
I never got that chance. Insert multiple, ever-changing "reasons" as to why "today isn't a good day for me. Maybe tomorrow?" from her. When we talked, she told me that one of her problems with us is that we never got the chance to form a friendship first. I was all for fixing this, and we agreed to set aside one day a week to do just that. It NEVER happened. In fact, I haven't seen her since that day in February. Meanwhile, J finally made their relationship known about in our circle of friends. Much drama insued - many people were NOT happy about what went on, but I asked them to stay out of it.
She continued to feed me excuses and grow more distant in our conversations, until last week, when I got a message from her accusing me and Mo of "hexing her and her whole family".
This is a GRAVE insult to me.
Without going into the details, I've studied the occult since I was 19. I have studied some very nasty aspects of it, damn near losing my morals, my marriage, and basically ME in the process. I fought long and hard to get out of that abyss. I still struggle with aspects of it to this day, but I have never once gone back to that place in my mind.
And this woman, who claims to know and love me, accuses me and my wife of attacking her and her family, including her two young siblings?
I defended myself, explaining logically that it made no sense, that I had no motive, and that mine and Mo's magic doesn't 'work' anything like what she described to me. SHe is well aware of this, by the way, as we had worked together several times before this. She refused to listen to a word of it, claiming that I obviously thought she was still "the weak willed, naive girl" I had met, and that I was accusing J of manipulating her in this, when these were HER decisions, not his.
So after having her break my heart multiple times, tell me that I obviously didn't love her, and then accuse me and Mo of a vile act that she had no business and no reason to accuse us of, I told her that I did and probably always would love her, and that I offered her a chance to prove whether I did this or not and she blatantly refused it, so either she never knew me at all, or she was just looking for a reason to paint me as a bad guy to justify removing me from her life. Somewhere in there, she accused me of ignoring everything she had written in that 11 page letter, and when I reminded her of the fact that she wouldn't let me take it home, and would never get together with me after that for me to read it, suddenly she changed her story, telling me that she didn't trust me to have it in my possession and that's why she didn't let me take it home. SHe never explained why we never got together again.
My last line to her was "So is it my fault that I can't read 11 pages while having a conversation with you, or because you refused to let me have a chance to read it? Which is it? And while we're on the subject, when did you decide that you "don't trust me" anymore, seeing as how I've repeatedly asked you for nothing but honesty since we split and you never mentioned it once until now. I love you dear, but I've had enough. When you get your head out of your ass about this, I'll still be here. Until then, goodbye. You tell me that I have a lot of things to work on? Go take a look in the mirror, love."
Apparently, she didn't like that. She blocked me on facebook the next day, and I haven't spoken to her since. That was roughly a week ago.
By the way, J never left for Pittsburgh like he told EVERYONE that he was doing - just one more lie from him. He's still living at her parent's house with her.
And that, is my side of this story. I now open the floor to questions, comments, and whatever else.
. All too often, the clean up crew, repair crew and the saftey inspectors all need to be called in before it's safe to continue on again. There is a reason people scream on rollercoasters(sorry I live down the street from a theme park)
