Who I am and where I’m at... right now.

C

candelglow

New member
I am: currently mono, considering poly, not looking for hookups.
The people in my life that have direct bearing on why I’m here:,
S: mono boyfriend, living together for the last half of our decade+ relationship.
D: poly, friend and [longwinded exposition backstory qualifying the exact definition of] working partner

Ideally, I think, I’d like to be in a V with the two of them, continuing to share my day to day with S, occasionally getting together with D.

The (super condensed) situation:
A couple of years after I began seeing S, I met D at a spiritual function. We connected strongly but for the majority of time since meeting we never saw one another, or interacted socially, outside of that event. I ran through all manner of rationalization trying to deny my attraction to D, until a few years ago when I found out he felt the same. That revelation sparked what would become my journey into wanting to redefine myself as poly.

S and I discussed opening our relationship two years ago, and set up a year long contract during which time we were working on US Only. There have been intimacy issues present throughout our relationship, initially related to dating long distance, seeing each other rarely, poor timing, and our bodies working against us. Moving in together did not help us resolve all of those, and the ones that could be addressed medically were (and are continuing to be) not as quick to show results. As that year neared it’s end, we both were anxious that certain items on the goals checklist were nowhere near where we wanted or needed them to be. I suggested we dissolve the contract but continue the work of shoring up our foundation, take the pressure off by removing the deadline, and S agreed.

At around the same time as that was happening, D and I formalized our intention of working together as leaders within our spiritual community. We live in different states, with different work schedules, and between us a variety of five (or more?) relationship commitments, so getting together to develop a curriculum takes a lot of planning to make happen. Not to mention S has some serious insecurity around me spending any time alone with D, to the point that one of our rules (that did not go away when we ended our contract) is D and I only meet up in public spaces. We got one planning meeting together, and had another set up with our mentors to happen sometime this spring.

Then Covid hit and everything shut down. Our meetings moved online, and with my living situation I was unable to have any expectation of privacy. Every discussion I had with D became all business, very rarely anything personal. Our last conversation having anything to do with feelings for one another came at the end of our last spiritual event, months prior. Also, it was tangental, specifically relating to my concern that S would have a problem with us partnering and working closely together. I’d all but completely let go that D and I would ever get the chance to see what more there could be between us.

S and I had another rough patch through the beginning of quarantine, nothing like literally being trapped together for months to make you put your relationship under the microscope. I knew (know) still had (have) feelings for D, but it wasnt (isn’t) something I could bring up, not when S and I are still working on us. It isn’t like I could do anything about it even if S were willing to open our relationship, as more things are shutting down, travel restrictions increase, and winter closes in. I keep waiting until there’s a right time, an ideal moment, a point where I know he feels good about where we are that I can say, ”hey, can we revisit that contract we set up two years ago?“

I worry that time won’t ever come, and I’m just going to keep wishing I could be with D, somehow. I also don’t want to blindside S by waiting till things are going really well from his perspective, and then basically tell him I want more. The thing is... I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself by accepting what I’ve got as Enough.
 
Can you elaborate on what you mean by "intimacy issues" with S? Is that a euphemism for sexual problems?
 
There are many factors that using the phrase Intimacy Issues covers. Communication in general as well as specifically relating to affection, desire, and yes, actual physical sex. There's also how it plays into commitment and insecurities, both of which have been areas of concern during our time together.
 
Greetings candelglow,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I of course assume that you love S very much, that he has many good qualities, and that the two of you are compatible in many ways. Having said that, it does sound to me like you and S have many difficulties in your relationship. You have been working on those difficulties, but seemingly with limited success. I think perhaps your biggest sticking point is that you would like to have a poly relationship, a V with S and D, while S is reluctant to have you and D even spending platonic time with each other. This all adds up to a very difficult situation. You do not want to give D up, but S's reservations are so strong (and long-lasting) that you fear you may have to give D up. This would suck because you would be compromising some of your deepest feelings, and it might even lead to you having resentment in your relationship with S.

That is a hard problem to solve. I only hope that Polyamory.com can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome.

Are you basically saying this... I use my own words, so if I don't get it how you mean it, you correct me ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

S and I had talked about Open relationship 2 years ago.
  • We agreed to work on our dyad problems first, before moving on to poly dating.
  • We started with a contract to help us solve some issues between us.
  • The contract deadline started to feel like pressure, so we let it go with the agreement we would still work on our issues.
  • Even though pandemic hit, we are still working on our issues.
    • The issues use do to be ___% wonky and __% good.
    • They are now at ___% wonky and ___% good.
    • Things (are/ are not ) better between us.
So it is 2 years later. I want to have a follow up conversation with S and move on with exploring my relationship with D.
  • I'm tired of waiting for the "perfect" time to tell S "hey, can we revisit that contract from 2 years ago?"
  • I want to say something like....
    • "Can we revisit our contract or make a new one?
      • Are enough issues solved to the "good enough" place so we are on better footing?
      • Do you consent to participate in a poly V? Or is this not your cup of tea?
        • If yes -- I would like to put a toe in the water now and start an online relationship with D while still working on the remaining things with you.
        • If no -- we need to have a different conversation then about parting ways.
          • Because I'm not happy with things how they are. It is not enough for me. I want to pursue poly, and I don't want to drag you along doing things you don't really want to be doing. That's not fair to either of us.
Click to expand...

Is this more or less it? If so, then I think it's better if you were super honest with yourself first, and then honest with S. Even if it feels hard. I get these kinds of conversations can feel really scary... but if you cannot be up front with your partner... why are you partners?

Could expect S to be super honest back. (Because sometimes partners will go along with whatever because they are afraid of breaking up. And that doesn't do them or you any good. It's the path to building resentments.)

My suggestion? Be brave. Lean IN and have the conversations you need to be having, rather than forever putting off waiting for "perfect moment." How about going for a "good enough" moment? Like on Friday night, so you both have the weekend to recover from talking, and not like work the next morning?

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

You are going to have to ask your partner S if he is

monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (1:1 relationship model only just two people in the network)

or

monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible (is ok participating in monogamous model or like an end point in a poly V)

You could also ask yourself the same thing. Like, if S and D both decline this poly V thing... would you still want to explore poly relating with other poly minded people? Because "considering poly" is not a solution for "I want to try being with D, but don't want to break up with S" if at heart you are actually monoamorous and monogamous. You would be kinda lying to yourself, S, and D.

Sometimes people use poly like a "soft exit" or like a "bandaid" for existing relationships and end up making a mess. Rather than just leaning in to have radically honest conversations with the people involved.

"Relationship broken, add more people" is not a good idea.

Alternately, if you are not ready to decide anything yet? You could give it more time to see if new info emerges. You would have to ask yourself "After clocking 2 years of working on it how many more do I want to do before I call it time to decide?"

You might be willing to clock more time, but prob not like 5, 10, 20 more years, right? Otherwise that's kinda like wasting time for both you and S. Living in this limbo space for 5, 10, 20 more years? Where you could call it a good try but not deeply compatible, released each other from limbo?

I encourage you to do your soul searching.

Set both S and D aside for a moment. What do YOU actually want from your romantic relationship(s)?

Galagirl
 
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Candleglow,
welcome to the forum.

I'm fairly new here myself and I really like the forum.

I'm also in a mono relationship. I would like to open up my relationship to something more poly, like a primary/secondary romantic or emotional connection but non sexual configuration. Ive been very open and honest with my Wife from the beginning. using words like i would like "extra", never saying shes not enough. ive also referenced the idea that not all spouses provide 100% of someone's needs.

my situation might be a little more complex than some others here because we are a "Christian" marriage.
in my marriage, i don't stack up to the spiritual leader that my wife desires (never have in our entire marriage), and she is not as affectionate as i would like at times, we have a great marriage in my opinion. I am very open minded and have been for most of my life, I'm not surprised that i an interested in poly.

even tho' I've been very open to poly, and consider myself to be poly mindset, my wife has stated up to this point that she wants nothing to do with it, insert bible verses in my direction yada yada yada. at one point she thought I was talking about polygamy but i said, no thats one guy with multiple wives, I said I'm ok with you having a guy friend too. that didn't go over well.

so I encourage you to update us with how your talk goes.

take care.
 
There was something said to in a forum long ago that kind of stuck in my mind: Opening up tends to exacerbate already prevalent relationship issues. This could be true for your relationship with D or S.

Not knowing the details of the rough patch with S or what working relationship with D means, it is worth considering that as you move forward.
 
Gala, thank you. Mostly, basically, yes that is what I meant, i think. Your question prompts are on point, and will help when I do address revisiting my contract with S.

One thing I might not have been super clear about is that my wanting to try poly comes from seeing non-monogamy as a viable option to ending my relationship with S. Initially my attraction to D was a huge source of internal stress, wondering if having feelings for him meant I shouldn't be with S, that I wasn't committed enough to him. I thought that it was just a crush that cropped up when D and I were around each other, not returned, and certainly not worth exploring if it meant giving up everything I had with S. But a crush lasts a season, maybe a few, not seven years.

The bones of my relationship with S are good, a cornerstone of how we began is that before we got together we laid out nearly all of our known baggage. That way, neither of us were blindsiding the other with issues that could create problems, and establishing a baseline for communication. Yes, we struggled with adjusting to living together after decades of us both living alone. We struggled (and still do) finding the right combination of factors so that physical intimacy is enjoyable for both of us. Having feelings for someone else has pushed buttons for more permanent commitment feeling like a trap (me), and insecurity (him thinking I'm going to cheat, or leave, or both).

D is the only person, since S and I have been together, that I've ever had a desire for more than a casual friendship. If I'm able to explore those feelings without having to constantly keep placing them in some contextual link comparing it to my relationship with S, I think I might feel satisfied. I'm not looking for anyone else. I'd say I wasn't looking for D either, but there's some question about the timing and my previous patterns of relationships falling apart or ending after the first few years. I definitely wasn't and am not looking to replace my relationship with S, it is impossible to do so and I wouldn't want to anyhow.
 
One thing I might not have been super clear about is that my wanting to try poly comes from seeing non-monogamy as a viable option to ending my relationship with S.

I could understand that. But if S identifies and monoamorous and monogamous? Then it is not viable. Because S does not wish to participate in poly anything. I tend to believe people when they say what they are. I don't believe in trying to force things. So you may have to end up choosing -- stay in this with S, end it with S and pursue D, end it with both and pursue neither, etc.

This is why I asked to set both S and D aside for a moment. Examine what you actually want from your romances.

Initially my attraction to D was a huge source of internal stress, wondering if having feelings for him meant I shouldn't be with S, that I wasn't committed enough to him.

I think it means you are human and alive and will notice beauty in the word. We cannot help what we feel. We do chose how we behave.

Having feelings for someone else has pushed buttons for more permanent commitment feeling like a trap (me), and insecurity (him thinking I'm going to cheat, or leave, or both).

I do not suggest getting married just to reassure S or solve his insecurities, esp if you think marriage feels like "trap."

You might want to watch S -- if he's feeling like that? He might agree to go along with whatever poly from fear of a break up, even if it is more honest for him and you to say "No, I don't want to do any poly stuff." Again... that's the path to resentments. Maybe him feeling like you "made" him do stuff he didn't want to do, or you angry he "lied" to you saying it was ok when it wasn't.

If you guys decide to go there, and it ends up not working out? It's also a whole lot easier to end things if you don't ALSO have to do a legal divorce too.

The simple fact is, even if you do not do poly? You could decide to cheat, leave, or both in the relationship with S. So S's security has to come from him and his belief that he can handle stuff in his life, not from your mere staying-ness. You aren't supposed to be a security blanket for a partner, right?

I'm not looking for anyone else. I'd say I wasn't looking for D either, but there's some question about the timing and my previous patterns of relationships falling apart or ending after the first few years. I definitely wasn't and am not looking to replace my relationship with S, it is impossible to do so and I wouldn't want to anyhow.

Again, do your soul seaching, and then have the honest conversations you need to be having.

If you and your partner S are not solid before going into poly, make the call not to go there at all and be together monogamously or break up first. It's not fair to bring D into it, and then treat D like collateral damage. It doesn't do you and S any good either.

Like if doing poly is not a "joyful yes?" Don't go there.

You may have to make the choice to give up poly in favor of sticking with S , or pursue poly on your own without S, but at least then it's clean and firm of purpose. Not all wonky.

Galagirl
 
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