Who supports the who?

[mikeDsub]

My wife and I had a triad with a mutual female friend. The problem was that my wife and I both worked while our g/f (wife #2) did not want to. She was used to getting by on her hot looks and being supported by boyfriends. She did not do any housework or cook. She never contributed to our household expenses and when we went out to eat, which we did a lot, she would order expensive dishes, appetizers, deserts and drinks and expect us to pay.

My wife and I were making more than enough money to support her but after a few years of her getting by on her looks, we decided that enough was enough. She had several advanced college degrees and could easily find a job. She just wanted to be supported. When we put pressure on her to help defray costs, she occasionally paid for her own meals and brought over her own food, etc.. It was very sporadic and sometimes we had to ask her to pay her own way. We started to feel as if she was taking advantage of us and not pulling her weight.

We supplied her with a furnished room complete with TV and cable. I bought her an entire wardrobe of clothes each season, as I also did with my wife and myself. She did supply her own car but we always used mine. For the first few years, my wife and I was mesmerized by this stunning big breasted Scandinavian hottie and let things slide as she was not only beautiful but also very intelligent and a fun person to be with. Plus we were both madly in love with each other and our g/f was really like family. We supported each other through rough and emotional times and had no problems in our relationship. No jealousy issues at all and our g/f was always aware of her secondary role in our marriage and never did anything without first discussing it with my wife. Other than the support issue, it was a great relationship.

When we began to get serious about her contributing to our household expenses, she ended up finding some guy on the internet who could never get a woman like her and agreed to share her with us. So she married him and was able to contribute to our household funds. She spent about 30-40% of her time with us, either on weekends or full weeks plus some vacations.

We never knew anyone else who lived with another person as part of their relationship so we did not know what to do so we made our own rules. Now I am wondering how some of you handle expenses when you have others living with you and your wife/girlfriend? Also, do you all have sexual relationships with all members of your poly group or do you have separate relationships ? If so, isn't that messy and does it last for the long run? We kept it to woman we both loved. We once tried dating on our own but neither of us liked it. I did not like the guy she found and she did not like the girl that I found and since we did not want to jeopardize our marriage, we found someone we both liked and ended our search.

This is all fascinating to me as we thought we were alone in this kind of lifestyle and kept it from even our family and closest friends. Now I see that a lot of others are into poly relationships, open relationships or what have you. When you lived in the pre-internet age, there was no way to know how many others were doing as you did. Now life is different. My wife and our g/f were sexual with each other but due to the stigma back in our time when bisexual was not accepted as a sexual preference by even the gay/lesbian community, my two ladies did not want to feel like they were lesbians so they only had sex together as a threesome. Now they both feel differently but back then it was not something that you wanted others to find out about you. My wife still does not tell anyone she is bisexual as she is old fashioned and still thinks it is something to keep hidden.

 

[Candiedlove]

Just how old was this woman?

 

[mikeDsub]

Just how old was this woman?

When we started she was about 27 years old. but we knew her since she was 12 years old so we had a long history with her. My wife and her g/f both had messed up families and they sheltered and comforted each other since their teen years. There were very strong emotional ties between them. I knew our g/f from the neighborhood. She was the gorgeous virgin and determined to stay that way. She considered me too perverted for her but we always flirted around each other. When she joined us in bed, I introduced her to the wild and kinky side of sex and she liked it. She liked to dominate me so having me pay was part of that I guess but enough is enough.

 

[Emmy37]

We are about to move into a single household as a poly family and household expenses will be split then we will each pay our own individual bills like credit cards, car loans, insurance etc. Our triad started out with my husband having a girlfriend who has also been our neighbor and friend for several years. Her and I were friendly but not involved with each other. As time went on it became more than just friends. It's become both separate and together. There isn't just a triad. There is Bud+me, me+Sweet Lady, Bud+Sweet Lady as well as Bud+me+Sweet Lady.

 

[Dagferi]

Now I am wondering how some of you handle expenses when you have others living with you and your wife/girlfriend?

Not all poly women are bi first of all. I choose to have separate houses which each husband. I pay bills at both.

Also, do you all have sexual relationships with all members of your poly group or do you have separate relationships ?

No my straight husbands would be turned off having sex together. And I would feel the same about Butchs gf.

If so, isn't that messy and does it last for the long run?

I am in year 3 of being in a polyandrous relationship.

 

[Candiedlove]

In a normal, healthy poly relationship, everyone contributes in some way. A 27 yr old with an interest in a 63 year old, who does not contribute financially in any way and, when asked, simply marries another bank account to help contribute to the other family, is using whoever she can for resources. And exchanging sex and maybe words of affection in return. She doesn't want to be a primary, she probably doesn't really care much about making household decisions, so long as everything is paid for, and she'll happily take second place, thinking she's just there to be supported.

It makes her look slightly better if she did this 30 years ago, when you were in your 30s, say, but someone looking for a sugar momma/daddy generally can't get a hot young guy who will also pay for her.

In a case like that, yeah, you're pretty much expected to foot the bill or she'll likely leave to another who will. At 27, and willing to go up to men/women in their 60s, she'll have at least another 10 years to find others.

 

[Bluebird]

We never knew anyone else who lived with another person as part of their relationship so we did not know what to do so we made our own rules. Now I am wondering how some of you handle expenses when you have others living with you and your wife/girlfriend? Also, do you all have sexual relationships with all members of your poly group or do you have separate relationships ? If so, isn't that messy and does it last for the long run?

I live in a house with both my husband and my boyfriend. My husband is the primary bread winner, while I am currently a stay at home mom who makes a little bit of money by teaching science courses to high school level homeschool kids. My boyfriend works part time and makes a great deal less money than my husband - he relocated to our area and just managed to find a new job. We actually had a big ol' down-and-dirty financial meeting - I wrote about it in my journal on this site. We discussed splitting the bills and we now have a combination of both individual and joint accounts to meet our shared responsibilities and goals.

Our sexual relationships are kept separate - we are a V, with me as a hinge, as both of my guys are straight. It hasn't been messy at all emotionally. We talk a lot!

 

[mikeDsub]

One thing to consider is a written agreement like marriages, poly relationships also break up. Then you have the awkward problem of what belongs to who and that can lead to nasty arguments. Just watch the TV court shows to see what happens after the love stops. Also consider the risk of pregnancies hen multiple partners are sharing each other. If you are married and get pregnant, will you expect child support from the baby daddy? Unfortunately many do not think of these things until it is too late.

We knew a couple where the husband had fathered a kid with the third in their triad. The mother tried hard to get her husband to leave his wife and marry her. That ended the triad. The women took the father to court to get more child support than she was getting and they ended up having to deal with the women for the next 18 years. She took the father to court 7 times in all those years. Mostly out of revenge. It can get messy and this is something rarely talked about on websites that talk about having a child by an outside lover.

We did not end our triad on bad terms so we were lucky but not everyone is. Just food for thought.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi mikeDsub,

Re (from OP):

"Now I am wondering how some of you handle expenses when you have others living with you and your wife/girlfriend?"

Ah, you cut me to the quick. I've worked many years in the past, but today I am on disability and that's about all I contribute. There are three of us in this household and poly (polyfidelitous) unit, and all the money we receive basically goes into one account. Snowbunny (the lady of the house) handles the bills and stuff.

Re:

"Also, do you all have sexual relationships with all members of your poly group or do you have separate relationships? If so, isn't that messy and does it last for the long run?"

We have a V configuration: a guy, a gal, and a second guy, and all three of us are heterosexual so the two guys just have a platonic friendship with each other. We've been together as a V since early 2006 and it's been more than a few years since we last experienced any drama amongst ourselves. For my own part, I am an introvert and value my "me time."

Both of the guys in our house have gotten vasectomies. We decided a long time ago that having kids was not for us. And yes, technically it's possible that we'll break up some day, but, I serrriously doubt it. I guess if we do break up I'll be screwed since it's Snowbunny and Brother-Husband (not me) who are legally/lawfully married. Legally speaking, I'm "just a friend."

I don't have any long-term contingency plans. I have admit I wouldn't know where to begin. My basic plan is to stay in this V til I croak. [shrug]

 

[KC43]

The only ones cohabitating in my situation are Hubby and me. I don't know whether we would ever be comfortable moving S2 (or any possible future partners) into our home, but if we did, it wouldn't happen for at least another year and a half, after Country leaves for college.

I think if we did make that move, we would probably keep finances pretty similar to how they are now. Like Kevin, I'm disabled, but because of my work history and Hubby's income, I'm unable to collect disability payments. So the bulk of Hubby's weekly pay goes into a joint checking account, which we use to pay household bills, expenses like groceries, and anything Alt and Country need. (Alt just graduated beauty school and doesn't have a job yet; she and we keep track of the money we give her and she'll be making payments back to us once she's working full time.)

Hubby and I also each have individual checking accounts from which we can buy whatever we want for ourselves without having to consult each other. Because of my inability to work and the fact that I don't earn much from my writing, Hubby "pays" me a small amount per week for doing housework and meeting my daily writing work goals, as well as for managing the household budget and finances, because I have a few credit cards that I pay from my personal account rather than the joint one.

If S2 ever did move in with us, I would sit down with both guys and figure out how much we needed for rent and other joint expenses, and set a certain amount per paycheck for each of them to contribute to the joint account. Whatever was left over for each of them would be theirs to do with as they pleased.

Hubby, S2, and I are all straight, so we have a V; I'm sexually and romantically involved with each of them, but they have no connection with each other. (They've met and get along, but they don't know each other well enough to call it a friendship.) After muddling along for a few months while we felt it all out, S2 and I, with Hubby's agreement and input, set a schedule of when I see S2 so there's still ample time for me to spend with Hubby, and for me to spend with my kids and S2 to spend with his.

 

[Bluebird]

One thing to consider is a written agreement like marriages, poly relationships also break up. Then you have the awkward problem of what belongs to who and that can lead to nasty arguments. Just watch the TV court shows to see what happens after the love stops.

My break ups aren't usually filled with drama - and one of the reasons we had the finance meeting was to make sure our joint stuff made sense, and that the guys were still independent of each other in lots of ways. I like what we have and I think our structure should be ok. It's pretty clear, who owns what.

If you are married and get pregnant, will you expect child support from the baby daddy? Unfortunately many do not think of these things until it is too late.
We knew a couple where the husband had fathered a kid with the third in their triad. The mother tried hard to get her husband to leave his wife and marry her. That ended the triad. The women took the father to court to get more child support than she was getting and they ended up having to deal with the women for the next 18 years. She took the father to court 7 times in all those years. Mostly out of revenge. It can get messy and this is something rarely talked about on websites that talk about having a child by an outside lover.

I make sure to let every guy I sleep with know my stance on the baby situation. I wear a diaphragm. This is in addition to them wearing a condom. I have never been pregnant, and I do not intend to start now. At 37, I am happy that I adopted 3 older children. My youngest is almost 17 and I am not wanting to start over. However, in the unlikely case I did get pregnant, I would not get an abortion. They will be paying support.

This is a moot point though, as I have not been having any sex outside of my V this year, and both my guys are monogamous. They won't be fathering any oopsies if we stay as we are!

 

[mikeDsub]

In a normal, healthy poly relationship, everyone contributes in some way. A 27 yr old with an interest in a 63 year old, who does not contribute financially in any way and, when asked, simply marries another bank account to help contribute to the other family, is using whoever she can for resources. And exchanging sex and maybe words of affection in return. She doesn't want to be a primary, she probably doesn't really care much about making household decisions, so long as everything is paid for, and she'll happily take second place, thinking she's just there to be supported.

It makes her look slightly better if she did this 30 years ago, when you were in your 30s, say, but someone looking for a sugar momma/daddy generally can't get a hot young guy who will also pay for her.

In a case like that, yeah, you're pretty much expected to foot the bill or she'll likely leave to another who will. At 27, and willing to go up to men/women in their 60s, she'll have at least another 10 years to find others.

I think I misunderstood the previous question. I was asked how old she was when we started. She was 27 but you assumed that we just started. Both her and my wife were 27 and I was 28. Hope that clears up any confusion.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Damn - I had a whole big post typed out and then forgot to send...try again:

Now I am wondering how some of you handle expenses when you have others living with you and your wife/girlfriend?

This probably depends on the people involved - just like in two-person relationships.

In our household, I am the primary wage-earner and handle all the bills/investments. The boys take care of everything else - shopping, cooking, errands, car/home/yard maintenance, etc. The boys get a "fun money" allowance each month that they can spend however they want. They run major household purchases by me to make sure the budget can absorb them.

MrS worked full time crap jobs while I was in graduate school and training to help support us, he also renovated our new house before we moved in. Dude is renovating the old house to sell and is in charge of keeping the vehicles running (he is a good all-around handyman - mechanic, plumber, electrician etc.)

It probably helps that we are low-maintenance, frugal types.

Also, do you all have sexual relationships with all members of your poly group or do you have separate relationships ?

Separate relationships, although they can overlap. My boys are both straight (although not penis-phobic - so I do get the occasional MFM threesome where I get ALL of the attention ). However they are also best friends and love each other platonically ("Brother-husband" would not be inaccurate in this case).

Dude dated a few girls before Lotus that we weren't involved with - although friendly. Lotus considers herself to be "dating" all three of us to various degrees. I sometimes fool around with her husband but all of us are mostly just friendly and enjoy hanging out together at their house or ours.

I'm a fan of letting relationship go where they will, without having a pre-defined notion of what they "should" look like.

If so, isn't that messy and does it last for the long run?

I think "messy" depends on the people involved, not the relationship structure. I'm not saying there haven't been bumps in the road. But when everyone involved is compassionate, considerate and respectful it is easier to communicate wrinkles early and nip drama in the bud.

I don't know what you consider "long run" - I've been with MrS for 21 years, Dude for 3 and Lotus for 1. Lotus and TT have been together for, I think, 8 years.

One thing to consider is a written agreement like marriages, poly relationships also break up. Then you have the awkward problem of what belongs to who and that can lead to nasty arguments.

This is something that I have zero experience with. I actually have never been through a "break up" - every serious relationship I have ever had, I am still in. So, other than the unwritten agreement that the dog is MINE and the cat belongs to MrS...idk. Anything the boys bought with their "fun money" would be theirs and all of the books belong to me. They can argue about the TV/stereo etc.

If you are married and get pregnant, will you expect child support from the baby daddy? Unfortunately many do not think of these things until it is too late.

This is something that we addressed VERY early on, as I was trying to conceive when I got together with Dude (who has no interest in being a father). In our state, any child born to a married woman is presumed to belong to her husband (laws differ by state). We asked Dude if he would be willing to legally relinquish parental rights if the situation arose. He was. I got pregnant, lost the pregnancy, and we decided to stop trying. I got an IUD. Done. (Lotus has no interest in having kids and had her tubes tied.) If the situation arose in the future where fertility/pregnancy were an issue then any of the boys would be open to getting a vasectomy. Should all else fail, abortion would be an option for me.