Whose secondary comes first?

M

marksbabygirl

Member
Odd thought.

You are with your primary partner (You and PP)

You have a secondary who has a primary partner (S & P2)

S's primary has a secondary (S2)

YOu are madly in love with S, P2 is madly in love with S2

Circumstances happen that S2 has to move a significant distance away.

P2 wants to move to be closer

S wants to stay to be with You.

All other things being equal (jobs, education, health care) whose secondary comes first? S2 has to go, P2 doesn't have to but wants to, S doesn't want to leave You. You are settled in your life.
 
Gotta say that was kind of painful to read. Wowsers confusing. I feel like I am doing a grade 9 math problem :p ;)

Honestly it comes down to what the party involved wants. That means everyone. A group discussion would have to happen to decide what everyone wants.

Making lists helps. If all things are equal then that should help logically break down what everyone wants and hopefully come up with a compromise that makes everyone happy.
 
Last edited:
wow, that is complicated... there would be so many things to factor in. I wouldn't know where to start until everyone had a chance to think about it and decide what would be best for them. Really it comes back to being our own primary I think... helpful that no kids are involved (I'm assuming).
 
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when poly life we try to lead! ;)

I'm assuming this was a hypothetical situation, otherwise I wouldn't be cracking jokes. If it's not, then please accept my apologies and feel free to PM me a kick in the lady bits.
 
I think that's something for S and P2 to work out.
 
marksbabygirl said:
All other things being equal (jobs, education, health care) whose secondary comes first?
Click to expand...

Assuming that I don't have any commitments to P2 or S2, the only thing that happens here is that I let S know how I feel about the idea of their moving away, and then let them work out where they'd like to live. This'd be a not-fun conversation, because I know that I don't do LDRs well and avoid them; so there'd be an unfortunate ultimatum-type element to it.
 
The primaries in question should put themsevles first. You shouldn't be in the equation but neither should your secondary's primary's secondary. (I hope to high heaven that made sense.)

Is there anything in this new place for P2 other than S2? Is there anything there for S?
 
It's all on P2, who wants to move to be closer to S2. P2 should consider all other parties' needs. If S is okay with this, than "you" loses; if S is not okay with this, than P2 has a decision to make between their primary and their secondary.

Alternatively, EVERYONE can move because P2 wants to follow S2.
 
If the couple (S+P2) have a disagreement over whether to move or not, and can't resolve it, I think staying put would get the "casting vote" for me. Moving is an enormous upheaval, very stressful and can have unpredictable results.
 
It would be selfish of P2 to want to move solely for S2, now leaving S without their secondary. In my eyes it would look like P2 wanted to meet his romantic needs, even if they hurt the needs of S. Its unfair to S to have to change their home because P2's secondary couldn't stay around... well unless S is in agreement, then this will be a different rant... but the decision should be made between them tho... hard to really say more without more details...
 
I tried to grasp this....but I think my head exploded.
 
Wow, I had to draw a diagram to figure that out...

So S2 is the person who's moving, and S2 is P2's secondary, and P2 is S's primary, and S is your secondary?

And the question is, should P2 choose between his secondary relationship S, or S's secondary relationship with you?

First of all, this isn't remotely as simple as "whose secondary relationship is more important". It's not like you're planning a date night, you're talking about uprooting 2 people who have no reason to move other than following someone's girlfriend out to timbuktu.

Simple math says that if S and P2 move to be closer to S2, then more lives will be severely disrupted than if just S2 moves. S and P2's lives will be directly affected as they have to find new homes, jobs, and doctors etc. Your life will be affected as you lose your secondary, which will affect your primary too.

I agree with two previous posts: this decision is purely between S and P2, and that the primaries need to put themselves first. They need to do what's right for their life together, their futures in terms of career and lifestyle and finances, and for the people they love.

If P2&S2's relationship is already such that they consider it secondary instead of equal, then why would P2 want to uproot his primary partner just to follow S2? That seems to indicate that S2 is more important to P2 than S is.

The only way I would ever consider following my husband's girlfriend across the country was if she was so filthy rich that neither my husband nor I would ever have to work again, and we could pursue our life's interests and hobbies, and fly back home whenever we had a whim to see our family and friends.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top