Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 31 12.6%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 93 37.8%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 34 13.8%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 30 12.2%
  • Other

    Votes: 58 23.6%

  • Total voters
    246

InsaneMystic

New member
Because monogamy, to me, just reeks of ownership and control... and I strive for freedom, autonomy, and respect in my social contacts.

Note, though, that while it's unacceptable to me personally and to the values I live by, that doesn't make it objectively "worse". Monos sure are free to live in mono arrangements if they want to, I simply won't ever agree to join in with them in that sort of 'ship - monogamy/exclusivity, to me, is an immediate and absolute dealbreaker, and I'd rather be alone forever than settle for it.
 

Sirensong

New member
This is stated wonderfully.


Because monogamy, to me, just reeks of ownership and control... and I strive for freedom, autonomy, and respect in my social contacts.

Note, though, that while it's unacceptable to me personally and to the values I live by, that doesn't make it objectively "worse". Monos sure are free to live in mono arrangements if they want to, I simply won't ever agree to join in with them in that sort of 'ship - monogamy/exclusivity, to me, is an immediate and absolute dealbreaker, and I'd rather be alone forever than settle for it.
 

Nordic

New member
Poly and Me...and Dupree

I first heard of polyamory from a short romance I had with a man named C. Typical alpha male, strong muscular type-hyper intelligent and dominant, back in the 90s. It was all just talk then, because neither had that experience yet.

While he was not involved with anyone else and neither was I, he expressed an interest in exploring a polyamorous lifestyle down the road, should anything more permanent develop.

Sadly, I was not living in the area when we met, and had limited time together to bond, so eventually we drifted apart and the conversations stopped.

I met my ex-husband shortly after, we spent 12 years together, and while I love him still in many ways, I was not being fulfilled sexually or emotionally for the last 5 years. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. We split two years ago, and I relocated back to the area I was originally from.

For the past two years I have been rebuilding a sense of individual self again, contemplating what I want and letting life take its course. I think that polyamory has found me, not the opposite.

I ran into C again, unexpectedly. We immediately picked back up where we left off, talking every day, remembering our times together and our discussions. He is currently in a great relationship with his boyfriend R of five years. I recently met and have started dating/communicating with R, with C in complete agreement. He is usually present for our dates (like I said, alpha...likes to control the situations!) and we have discovered that a new emotional bond is developing between R and I, which C is really proud of! So are we! C knows that because of our past together, I could be perceived as a threat to R, and vice versa. C and I both realize that he and I will have little difficulty bonding with one another, so the focus has been put on his two guys' falling for each other first.

Edit: C, R and I are in the bonding processes of building a true triad, which is clearly fraught with pitfalls and potential emotional stresses. It hasn't been very long, only a few weeks of constant talking and social interaction, nothing physical.
This will likely change soon as we have all been tested, we are all disease and drug free, and I am having R over this weekend - with the intent to possibly take things to the next level. It's new to me and R in practice, so we are the clear focus right now. We are all finding our way through it, and although we recognize that it may not work out we believe we are going about things in the most loving and productive way possible.

It's working, so far!

C -53, professional writer, tall dark n handsome, intellectually dominant
R- 30, Sexy Latin fashion designer, creative, quietly aggressive and versatile
Me - 42, the luckiest man on the planet right now, trying to be a musician, passive
 
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PolyRed

New member
I've been married for ten years to my hubby. A couple of years ago we started kicking around the idea of an open relationship/polyamory. When I changed careers to the medical field and ended up forming a deep relationship with a doctor/co-worker/mentor - M (my current emotional secondary), we decided to officially open it up in 2014. I ended up forming a strong bond with M and we spent more and more time together outside of work. This led to an interaction in Sept. 2014 in which a) he learned of my open relationship and my feelings for him, b) I learned M was in an on/off relationship with a GF, which was then complicated when he chose to have a spontaneous makeout session with me.

I was strong and stopped it from going much further, but things got awkward between M and I for a few months. Lots of apologizing on both sides, awkward conversations and interactions at work, and eventually we ended up having longer and longer serious discussions that more clearly indicated that we have strong feelings for one another and wanted that emotional closeness again. We met again in person in early December and we have been extremely close ever since, spending time together each week, but we have not crossed the physical line again.

His romantic relationship with the GF is officially ending next week as she moves to another state for a new job closer to her parents. I am giving him space romantically to work through the end of his relationship with her, but being there to emotionally support him as best as I can in the capacity we have been interacting- extremely close friends. We acknowledge an attraction still between us but have kept that at bay other than the simple act of spending time together and giving a hug at the end of each time we're together. I expect that given our emotional closeness, things will eventually progress to the physical aspect again once he has had proper time to grieve his relationship with her. I won't be the one initiating it either. It will be his choice when he's ready.

In the mean time of all of this happening, I have dated around and had a few relationships in my months of dating. First a very physical, fun time with a sexy, young Armenian dentist... a more serious, passionate, and confusing relationship with a gorgeous engineer from Spain, and lastly, a fun, flirty, sporadically physical time with J (a sexy midwestern engineer with a wicked sense of humor) - whom I consider my tertiary. We both acknowledge it is more of a 'friends with benefits' relationship, but he is supportive of both my relationship with my husband and with M, and understands polyamory.

In the midst of all of this, my husband began a relationship with K- a very sweet poly woman whom he met on OKC. She the hinge of a V with JD (her husband) and R (boyfriend) and they all live together. My husband's relationship with K is largely emotional and has not become physical yet (beyond a few kisses), but I believe it likely will in 2015.

This is a totally revolutionary idea in our neck of the woods (aka: Bible belt America), so we are slowly picking and choosing who we 'come out of the closet' to.
 
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thirteenth

New member
I've always been interested in the idea of families of choice & communal living. I also see most things in shades of gray - gender, sexual orientation, age, intelligence, ability, etc.

That said, although I have never had a problem with the idea of poly relationships, I didn't expect to pursue one. Then I fell in love with a married, poly man, and the rest is history.

I think I lean towards mostly monogamy because I've never been in love with more than one person at a time. However, I'm not closed to the possibility.
 

Achocolatemouse

New member
For me, it's a dream I've always held in my heart. I distinctly recall having this fantasy as a pre teen, just discovering what sexuality and relationships with people really was, where I lived in a huge opulent palace. And I lived with about a dozen other people.
Everybody wore beautiful, white, clingy semi-transparent clothes all the time and were always well groomed and beautiful. There were 3-4 girls, myself, and the rest were men, and everyone was beautiful, as folks in fantasies often are. And there were just rooms of various sized with beds and carpeting and pillows and everyone in the house would spend time together, but the intimate moments were always with 1-2 specific people and everyone had preferences... Nobody minded because there was lots of comfy space and the right number of people to make everyone happy.
Mostly (not always) the girls were just my friends, and each of the men my lovers, happy to love me and me happy to divide my time amongst them, and them happy to give up time with me to one another so everyone could be with me. If they couldn't be with me, they would simply go be with the other girls and that was also great and made me even happier. There was no jealousy in these fantasies, only love, joy, perhaps a wee bit of good natured-rivalry amongst the guys. Sometimes people would decide they wanted to not be part of the group anymore and we'd all throw them a party and see them off and cry a lot and be happy for them... Sometimes someone new would come and try to become part of the group and it became a consensus decision if they would be allowed or not across the whole group.

I had rather elaborate fantasies and felt quite ashamed for a long time for wanting that sort of relationship in my life because relationships were "supposed" to be about you have a guy and he has you and you own each other and you're not even supposed to THINK about other men or they'd get jealous and angry. That just wasn't possible for me and I felt bad.

It wasn't until many years later I discovered this concept as an alternative relationship structure (that there even COULD be relationships that aren't mono-het, since to me a relationship was defined as the love between one guy and one girl, that is what a relationship WAS to me) and realized that I really, really wanted it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I think that's a lovely dream, and I hope that's the kind of polyamory you'll soon have. Sometimes it's not easy getting there!
 

wildchild

New member
I really can't say I've always been polyamorous or had poly feelings. When I married my wife I really expected that to be 'it' for the rest of our lifes (or untill something would happen like growing apart, cheating, etc). Very monogamous-indoctrinated thinking I guess. I didn't know any better. Though we didn't get wedding rings because I don't believe in that 'now you belong to me' crap it symbolises (for me). And I have a very outspoken view on personal freedom (bordering on anarchy I guess). So the signs were there I guess.

My wife and me started swinging some years ago, just out of curiosity and for the experiment of it, which led to me getting to know my current girlfriend. I don't know if I am "standard poly". I can't say I am yearning for more relationships as of now, but I don't rule it out as well. The only thing I know is that I have experienced that it is possible for me to love more than 1, and that it's great to do so, and that is poly for me.
 

necrodefy

New member
I was raised conservatively, but I came up with the idea all on my own in high school when I had crushes on two girls. I started thinking, wouldn't it be possible to have a romantic relationship with both of them simultaneously? What if one of them has a boyfriend, or another guy likes them too... couldn't she just be with both of us? What if me and this other guy like both of the girls, and both girls like both of us? Agh! This idea is so awesome! It just felt natural and right. But I'd never heard of such a thing, so I go on knowing nothing other than monogamy.

Fast-forward to about 6 years later when I start thinking about those ideas more and more and decide to google if there's anyone else like me and lo and behold!!! I was so excited to discover that there are others like me out there. Sadly there are few in San Antonio, and the few I found I didn't have much else in common with, but I'm still currently searching for locals to connect with. :D
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
I heard of polyamory the first time/one of the first times on a Forum I was on. I liked to debate everything, but especially relationships. I felt vaguely curious about polyamory. I got good friends with a guy who invited me to som poly/relationship discussing groups. I remember always beeing provoked by the "freedom seekers" that were poly, thinking "Surely it is not like that!" I did not identify as poly and still some of these guys provoked me... I still think some of my points were good, especially for polyfidility which was a word I did not know at the time. I like to learn new things, so I educated myself about basic poly lingo. I remember reading an article about a man who had two wives and feeling fascinated and a little envious about all the love I imagined they were having, I was fascinated with their dynamic. Then I forgot all about it. Me and my boyfriend joked that we kept one another "on a very long leach" and maybe we were a bit poly but not like the real poly people.

A year or something passed. Slowly, me and this this man was falling in love just by talking and spending time (we were not friends, but we met often, he was my teacher of sorts), my husband knew, this guy's gf figured it out.... The funny thing was, I was completely new to poly, still the first time I had intense feelings for two men at a time as an adult I did it with having WORDS to describe my feelings! I felt such freedom from that... Even my husband was like: "Your NRE is getting a little out of hand, love". That fall, we married (I imagine the guy I was in love with was very shocked, in fact he upped the anty by getting engaged to his gf two months later). I loved being married, loving my husband and also being in love with the other guy. That started four or five weird years with one guy was ambivalent (although admitting strong feelings for me) and my husband struggled with self confidance and his own emerging feelings for other women. I started getting more active on a poly Forum, did lots of interesting chats and gained lots of friends there - that I still keep in contact with. I ended up kissing the guy on a couple of occations, not much more. Which everyone thinks is super weird! We had a very strong sexual attraction. I guess still we both felt that sex=serious, at least I know I did, and my husband was weary to let me which I respected. My husband knew the couple, we socialized but talking about the feelings were difficult. I guess the girlfriend had hoped her bf would just grow tired of me, but year after year without even sleeping together we would get turned on just by staying in the same room. We had an amazing connection, but he was a troubled soul and even told me so. I cared a lot for his girlfriend and I could see she was very mono, it hurt me so much to see her need to have him alone and her (uneccesary) fear that I might be pregnant. At the same time, we had and still have a weird vibe - we relate like the girlfriend and the ex now, a sort of joking relationship like "oh well, you know him!".

When the sort of relationship dissolved/stagnated/I got so fed up that my feelings dissapeared, I had figured I was poly and I might want another relatonship. My husband gave me permission to persue a new relationship if I wanted to. I imagined that I would eventually meet some poly guy! Instead, I met the most monogamous guy on the planet - he has actually never been in love with anyone but me - abroad. I was open with him about poly from the start and he says he feels very safe although he was looking for a mongamous relationship. Our relationship has been sexual from the start. I have no idea why this is working, but it is sort of like I have two mono relationships with two best friends. I plan on being together with both of them for the rest of my life, and feel very polysaturated.

I feel that the polyfidelous "thriple" I read about uncounciosly became my ideal, and I find that actually our relationship work in many ways as theirs do. Every time I feel an issue coming I think, oh what would he do? I am actually Facebook friends with him, but I don't know him that well. I ponder if I should bring my boys to see him, or if that is cheesy, I mean he has been quite influentional in my life as a sort of "normal" person having a poly V. My plan is to bring his boys to his whishey festival, he might even bring his wives there, to maybe just tell him it meant something to me that he was the first open person who had something to loose (I think he lost lots of friends and family members over it).
 
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Len51

New member
My wife asked her best girlfriend to join us in bed one drunken night. Little did I know my wife had been fantasizing about women and her gf was bi. We went almost 4 decades as a triad although the second half was not full time as our gf split her time between her home and ours. I really do not know if my wife is truly bi, neither does she, because she only has sex with them when I am involved. She has never had sex with a female without me. I call her hetero-flexible. :)
 

CaptainCharisma

New member
How did you discover polyamory?

I'm interested in hearing everyone's origin stories--how did you first learn about polyamory? If you are poly, how did you discover this (or did you always know)? Did you have a partner at the time, and did they make the transition with you? etc. Also, state your Myers-Briggs personality type and your partners', if you know them.

Personally, I was a serial monogamist (I'm an INFJ, and apparently this is a common experience for them). I struggle really hard with letting go of people, so my relationships would fizzle out and slowly drift apart. I was engaged to my best friend (ENFP) but called off the wedding after a traumatic event left me really depressed and anxious. I started talking to him about possibly opening our relationship, but it was a deal breaker for him. After we broke up, I started talking to others about what I was feeling. I met a teacher of tantra who assured me that this was normal, and that I would feel better once I embraced it. He encouraged me to spend time with others who were like me. At the time I wasn't ready to give up the idea of women's "purity", so I couldn't pursue it any further.

My next partner (ESFJ) initially didn't want to put strict definitions on our relationship, but as he grew more attached to me, he became pretty possessive. It was around this time (about six months after the above) that I started investigating again and found a multitude of resources about polyamory. I grew excited when I realized that there was a word for what I felt and a community built around it to boot. I talked to my partner about it, and he initially indicated he might come around, but he eventually made it clear that he would not.

Shortly thereafter I met my current ENFP partner Perry, who had no previous experience with polyamory but was open to trying it. It's been a bumpy road, but he has been so courageous, patient, and supportive the entire way. I'm currently dating his good friend Ray (ENTP) and while each of us struggles sometimes, I think it's been a good experience thus far.

Tell me your story! I'm very interested to know.
 

Inyourendo

New member
my girlfriends and I were promiscuous as teenagers and shared sex partners but it wasn't until I was 20 and in my second year of marriage that I found out what polyamory actually was.

My ex and I met when we were 17 and got married soon after. I was his first kiss and he knew I had been with multiple people, that kind of always bothered him and when he started talking to a girl on ICQ he asked (jokingly) If he could fool around with her. I told him yes, as a one time thing, but that would be the end of their relationship. He quickly had sex with her and quickly broke the agreement that he made with me. He kept hanging out with her and that bothered me because he treated her like gold and treated me like shit. I left him, he left her and begged to get back with me. A year later I told him that he could see her if he wanted to (after doing a lot of reading about polyamory) She was not poly (I believe that she was really a cowgirl) and she told him after dating him a short time that she couldn't share him so she left.

He and I broke up because he wanted to pursue a relationship with her and I also wanted to be out on my own. We were apart over a year and eventually got back together. I really wanted a girlfriend but he would only agree to a closed triad (later he said that if I could find a single woman that he would be okay with me dating solo but she could not have a male partner :confused: )

We stayed together several more years (I had a few affairs along the way) until I met Nate and left my ex to be with him. Nate and I went in open. I still wanted a girlfriend but could never meet someone that I liked who would treat me like a co-primary. Eventually after a couple years of 3ways and swaps I was pretty done with casual sex, it no longer did anything for me sexually so I pretty much gave up looking. I would date here and there but I didn't honestly think I would find anyone. I really just wanted a best friend with benefits that I could spend the night with one night a week. What I found 2.5 years after being monogamous to Nate was Sam.

Sam is Mono and it was important to him that he was treated as a co-primary and that he got at least 2 nights a week with me. so that is where we are now.

Nate continues to have multiple casual partners but he has discovered that he's really only polysexual and he's not interested in having multiple romantic relationships. The people that he meets seems to be okay with that, many of the women have pretty much just remained fuck buddies with him until they find a boyfriend. A couple of the people he hooks up with now identify as poly and have live in partners so they feel okay about him not being capable of giving more than sex and friendship. Nate says that he's not really going to seek out more partners unless they have names starting with the missing letters that he needs (he's trying to complete the alphabet lol)

My ex is now happily married to a good girl who only wants him :D
 
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LoveBunny

Active member
I did it without having a name for it in the early 90's. I was in my early 20's. I modeled my life after Anais Nin and Simone de Beauvior, two French female writers I idolized who had multiple partners of various genders and wrote quite a bit about it.

Many years later, over a decade into a monogamous relationship with my husband, I met a woman and fell hard. Before we started dating, when we were just friends getting to know each other, we were texting one day and I asked about the guy she was dating, if he was her boyfriend. Her reply via text was the first time I hear the word "polyamorous." I Googled it, and it was like a light bulb went off. I began to think there might be a conversation I needed to have with my husband.....
 

central

Member
My wife and I had both read many of Robert A. Heinlein's books in the 60s and 70s, and the responsible non-monogamy portrayed appealed to us. So when we met and got together in 2000, it was something we discussed and both wanted to explore, and since that coincided with an opportunity to do so, we did.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi CaptainCharisma,

Re (from OP):
"How did you first learn about polyamory?"

The married woman I had recently fallen in love with did some internet research and found out about polyamory ... and then told me about it. So that's how I first learned about it.

At that time in my life, I was questioning everything, so I didn't mind questioning monogamy. But I don't know if I saw myself as "a poly person," as much as I did someone with a dilemma, for whom poly appeared to be a solution.

I was in a monogamous marriage, but it's hard to say whether my wife "made the transition with me" since she had Alzheimer's (and it was getting worse).

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) in 2014: INFJ. (Not sure about my two V companions.)
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I am VERY extroverted ENFJ. My guys are INTJ (PunkRock) and ISTJ (DarkKnight). I also like to say that I am a Ravenclaw, PunkRock is a Slytherin and DarkKnight is a Hufflepuff. :)

I discovered polyamory when trying to figure out what to do about my over-active sex drive. I did a lot of Internet searches and reading and shared them all with DarkKnight. He recommended I give being poly a try. It fit me just fine and it felt like finally, my life was going right. A few heartbreaks along the way, but I ended up with the best 2nd husband-to-be (May 19th is our handfasting!) a girl could hope for!
 

Inyourendo

New member
Im right on the cusp of entj and estj. It totally makes sense too, I'vealways taken on a leadership position

Nate is an intj and sam is an istp.
 

Whiskeyginger

New member
How did we learn about polyamory? It just kinda happened through the both of us exploring our sexuality with each other, recognizing that we both were looking at women and then discussing how that made us feel. We are both really open minded and are amazing communicators and we organically realized that we were "poly" (he found the label online) and then explored that in books, websites, movies, tv shows, and decided what we wanted together. We do not have a community of Poly people to talk too. I think that by us being alone in this, we got even closer and are getting closer still. we define who we are, and we are grateful when we figure out obstacles and get closer.
 
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