Why Can't I stop the Jealousy and Low Self Esteem?

Z

zipp

New member
Hi guys,

First post here, sorry if it's already been addressed or posted in the wrong place!

Quick roundup of my situation:
I've been in a monogamous gay relationship for 17yrs. I've always known my partner has been interested in polyamory but he's never pushed the idea, over the past year have come to enjoy the idea myself.

I found a new potential partner for us, who was very interested in me, then us. He's a very loving person who shows equal affection to us both and is happy with the polyamourous relationship. I have engineered the relationship!

We have been seeing him for around 4 months. We have moulded the relationship to suit us and he is happy being the new third.

However, I have found that I am actually very nervous around him and particularly in the bedroom. I have constant anxiety and feel jealous every time they speak, text or spend time together - even when I'm involved - but incredible when either of them show me affection.

I have no need to be jealous. I know I'm in a solid relationship but I feel desperately low - to the point that I have lost confidence with both of them. I'm making up ridiculous scenarios in my head constantly, need to read every text sent and am very emotional.

I couldn't ask for better partners - very loving and very understanding. I feel lucky to have found the new one and love spending time with him. I know I have a special bond with the original too.

I have discussed the issue with both (once when the emotion couldn't be controlled and I ended up crying after sex. After sex!!! Jesus...) and constantly get emotional with my original partner who is very loving.

What is going on!? I don't want to end what we have started but feel like I'm losing my mind if I continue.

Total truths now:
I do feel like I can't give my original partner what he wants sexually and feel awful seeing him so aroused with the new partner. However I totally understand that after 17yrs our sexual relationship will be totally different than with the new partner.
I also get so nervous around the new partner that I feel I can't give him what he wants sexually either.
I feel like I spend most of my time watching them enjoy themselves instead of getting stuck in, although I'm constantly told I'm 50% involved.
I always concentrate on the negatives not the positives sexually, no matter how much mindfulness I practice!

I'm level headed. I understand that jealousy can happen and consciously know I'm never going to lose my original partner. However I feel my unconscious mind is going crazy!

I feel so lucky being in the situation I'm in, but just want to run away from it all.

A couple of scenarios:
I get texts all day, very loving. My partner gets one text and I lose my mind, get anxious and cry. I tell myself everything is fine and he should get at least as much attention but I can't stop how I feel. After an hour of crying I'm back to thinking how lucky I am and that I couldn't lose the new partner. My original partner just stays extremely supportive and talks me through my outbursts.

We're all in the bedroom. I try to enjoy what we have but end up thinking they both just want each other and I should just remove myself from the situation. I get really low self esteem and lose my horn completely. They try and get me involved and stay loving to me but I feel awkward. They end up finishing in great style as I lay next to them. We all kiss and they think it's great. Meanwhile I'm dying inside, smiling on the outside so as not to hurt them.

I have told myself and them that I am on a real learning curve. I try to think that I am getting better with this but then crash again over no real reason.

I'd love some advice as I feel totally torn. I sound totally ungrateful for having so much love - but should we lose what we have found for my sanity? should I let them continue without me? Should I continue and tell myself not to think about it so much ( actually I do this every hour of every day and can't stop)?

Please Help!!!

From the Jealous emotional wreck, Zipp.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

You sound like you want to be here, but perhaps want to weather the transition time less rocky. I don't know if this helps you, but FWIW, here what I think.

I have no need to be jealous. I know I'm in a solid relationship but I feel desperately low - to the point that I have lost confidence with both of them. I'm making up ridiculous scenarios in my head constantly, need to read every text sent and am very emotional.
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I think you could have that flipped. To me feelings ensue after thinking/action behavior. Here? Sounds like thinking behavior.

You make up "scenarios in my head constantly, need to read every text sent." As a result? You are very emotional, lost confidence with both, feel low, etc.

You may have to stop doing that behavior. Or at least counteract it with new thinking. You seem to start to do that with this:

I couldn't ask for better partners - very loving and very understanding. I feel lucky to have found the new one and love spending time with him. I know I have a special bond with the original too.
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So that's good.

I have discussed the issue with both (once when the emotion couldn't be controlled and I ended up crying after sex. After sex!!! Jesus...) and constantly get emotional with my original partner who is very loving.
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There is also "action behavior" to address -- could stop doing group sex when you don't sound like you like it.

It's ok to have emotions happening while going through changes. You might be excited for the new things, but at the SAME TIME, mourning the old thing. It's not perfect, but here's a visual aid for emotional change.

http://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transmgt1.htm

Notice how about 4 mos in or so, whether you are on track A or track b it is a time of confusion and losing confidence.

Now getting emotional and upset after doing group sex you don't want to really be doing? Where's the surprise there? :confused:

Are you thinking triads HAVE to do group sex? They don't. You could stop doing this.

What is going on!? I don't want to end what we have started but feel like I'm losing my mind if I continue.
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You are going through TWO big changes at the same time. Breaking up AND starting a new thing.

We have been seeing him for around 4 months. We have moulded the relationship to suit us and he is happy being the new third.
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You have NOT "added a third." People like to express it that way but emotionally? You have broken up with your partner and ended the old model. In favor of starting this NEW model with the both of them. And break ups stink, even if wanted. So some of your up and downy feelings may be from that. Excited about the new thing, still mourning the break of of the old thing.

It's OK for things to be weird right now. It's transitional time.

I do feel like I can't give my original partner what he wants sexually and feel awful seeing him so aroused with the new partner. However I totally understand that after 17yrs our sexual relationship will be totally different than with the new partner.
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Ask them to dial the PDA around you so you see it less. Stop doing group sex.

I also get so nervous around the new partner that I feel I can't give him what he wants sexually either.
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Stop doing group sex and let your sexual experiences with the new partner be their own thing.

You may also have to define your value as a partner in terms other than sex. You are not a sex "toaster" whose only role/job is to put out sex for people to consume and that is all you are good for. You worry about not sexually the partners... How about satisfying YOU and not doing group sex if it bothers you a lot? You count too.

Could share sex with each partner in its separate dyad. See if that feels like a better way to share sex with less stress.

I feel like I spend most of my time watching them enjoy themselves instead of getting stuck in, although I'm constantly told I'm 50% involved.
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Stop sharing group sex if it bugs you. Being in a poly triad does NOT mean you HAVE to be doing group sex.

I always concentrate on the negatives not the positives sexually, no matter how much mindfulness I practice!
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Well, if you are not into group sex and keeping doing it when you are not into it and it bugs you? That's not honoring your own preferences. That's not esp mindful or self respecting behavior. So you cannot feel proud of that behavior and then hold yourself in high esteem later.

I feel so lucky being in the situation I'm in, but just want to run away from it all.
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Maybe you need some breaks? I don't know how often you all are together -- but if it's been like 24/7 joined at the hip?

Maybe you need down time too. Be on your own, with friends, or be with one or the other partner, and not always a trio? Group sex set aside -- you ALL need time on your own, with friends, as mini couples, and then time as a trio in balance.

It cannot all be trio everything all the time.

I get texts all day, very loving.
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Even if pleasant, that's a lot of stimulus all day long and distracting at work. If you are always on an adrenalin high from stimulus (positive or negative), that's exhausting and stressy. That has to stop.

You could ask them both to limit texts to certain hours when you are not working, and on your end if any come through? Only take them at lunch or after work. Turn your phone OFF. If people need to reach you I am sure there's an office line.

My partner gets one text and I lose my mind, get anxious and cry.
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What thinking behavior are you doing when he gets a text?

Is there a way for you NOT to know he's getting texts? Is he taking texts at the dinner table for example? When you prefer all devices OFF at meals so he's PRESENT? Ask for the behavior you would like.

If the phone is booping all the time, that gets intrusive and you sound like you deal with some of poly hell as it is.

I tell myself everything is fine and he should get at least as much attention but I can't stop how I feel. After an hour of crying I'm back to thinking how lucky I am and that I couldn't lose the new partner. My original partner just stays extremely supportive and talks me through my outbursts.
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Is there different behavior you would like or in addition to being supportive? Ask for what you need.

Could be more honest with yourself. Things are NOT all fine right now. You are weathering a lot changes. You might say to yourself "I'm dealing with a lot. I hope over time to really be fine" -- maybe that's more honest/accurate. Then you aren't adding pressure from your own self to be all smiles all the time.

Could talk about this being like break up while at the same time, starting a new model. Reframing it that way better help you see the stressors.

If you are framing this like "add a third" like it's supposed to feel sunshine and rainbows and then think you are "failing" somehow when it doesn't feel like that? Could adjust expectations to be more realistic. There is a price of admission to changing models: Weathering out the transitional time and all the changes. It is not like insta-happy.

We're all in the bedroom. I try to enjoy what we have but end up thinking they both just want each other and I should just remove myself from the situation.
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If group sex bugs you why agree to participate in it? If you have found that it is not for you? Stop sharing group sex. Be a triad that doesn't do group sex.

I get really low self esteem and lose my horn completely. They try and get me involved and stay loving to me but I feel awkward. They end up finishing in great style as I lay next to them. We all kiss and they think it's great. Meanwhile I'm dying inside, smiling on the outside so as not to hurt them
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But it is ok to hurt yourself? :confused:

It's ok to be dishonest with them? :confused:

When you choose to hurt yourself, and leave partners in the dark about how you are doing? This is not behavior you can be proud of. It is not self respecting. So again... cannot hold yourself in high esteem for doing that behavior.

I have told myself and them that I am on a real learning curve. I try to think that I am getting better with this but then crash again over no real reason.
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I see several reasons.

1) You do group sex when not really into it.

2) You hurt your own self rather than do self respecting and self honoring behavior. Later it comes out as not being able to feel proud of your behavior/hold yourself in high esteem.

3) You might not recognize this change as "breaking up with my old partner" and "starting a new model with these two people, one of which is my recent ex." People come at it like "add a third" but EMOTIONALLY it is more like the above.


I'd love some advice as I feel totally torn. I sound totally ungrateful for having so much love - but should we lose what we have found for my sanity?
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You don't have to lose either sanity or the new model.

Could take it slower and more realistically and check your expectations. At minimum? I suggest...

  • Stop sharing group sex.
  • Stop constant texts/stimulus like that.
  • Get more down time on the schedule. It is NOT sustainable to live on an adrenalin "high" all the time while at the same time, dealing with loss.

It is NORMAL to feel weird. The old normal is gone. The new normal is not totally here. It is all "NRE lalalas" mode. It's not "realistic normal" yet.

Be kinder to yourself and speak up more. Change your behaviors and see if new feelings ensue while weathering this transition time out.

Galagirl
 
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zipp, it's very normal to go through such emotions. They're very torturing, it's true. I think most of what I would have to say has already been covered really well by Galagirl. Just wanted to add one more voice of encouragement.

(I've been where you're at – in a triad with the other people in the height of NRE – and the feeling of being superfluous despite assurances was making my whole world come crashing down. Withdrawing was inevitable at that time, probably necessary, too, though I was probably clumsy about it.)

I think the good thing about putting some distance – carving out a bit of quiet space around you – is that it gives you the chance to assert yourself independently of your relationship(s), to rally around your values and aspirations in life; to remind yourself how you want to carry yourself in your relationships with others. It can give you added weight to the next step – building and (re)structuring each relationship you have with the others, and putting more focus there and not in the relationship they have between them (over which you ultimately have no control). Comparison is a bitch that's hard to dodge, I know. But you can try to get what you really need for yourself. It will probably have to be in a different way than you used to get it.

Give yourself some time, I hope things turn out well. Airing these feelings is really good, don't be afraid to reach out.
 
Thanks so much for your help Galagirl and endusal.

I really do want to enjoy group sex - but I totally understand that pulling away from it and figuring out my own emotional connection with each person is a good idea. It's interesting that I couldn't see the problem being the group interaction.

My long term partner is really not happy with this idea 'if we play together we stay together' is the mantra. However I feel like I am maybe not strong enough emotionally to feel comfortable in a group yet.

I have woken up positive after reading your advice. Great to hear I'm not alone!

I'll try for a little longer to remain comfortable in group sessions - I know our new partner is keen for one-on-one so I think I can figure out a way to try this if all else fails. I feel good that I now have a backup plan!

I just keep reminding myself that I am so lucky to have even one person loving me, let alone two - as long as I can cope with them loving each other as well.

Thanks so much!
 
Glad you feel more positive and less alone.

I really do want to enjoy group sex - but I totally understand that pulling away from it and figuring out my own emotional connection with each person is a good idea. It's interesting that I couldn't see the problem being the group interaction.
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I think that is fine. But you don't have to share group sex right this minute if you are not ready to go there yet. Esp since you already tried and it's making you feel bad because it's more than you can do right now.

I just keep reminding myself that I am so lucky to have even one person loving me, let alone two - as long as I can cope with them loving each other as well.
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Are you giving them opportunity to love ALL of you? Warts and all? Because when you do that, then when you remind yourself they love you, it is a deeper comfort than if you only let them see what you think they want to see with the fake smiles.

If the only time you see them loving each other is in the context of group sex? That's like going from 0 to 100 mph. Why can't they go out by themselves to get coffee or something so you can cope with them together like that? And you can adjust more slowly? Like going from 0 to 25 mph? At the same you can go out for coffee with the new partner too. Build your separate connection to him.

If you all plan to stay together?

You have to nurture ALL the connections.

  • You to your own self. (<---Speaking up for yourself, honoring what you value, self respecting behavior, etc)
  • You to your long term partner. (<-- You guys just broke up the old model on this tier. Could go easy on each other. Could also be honest with him, respect his limits and not asking him to do more than he can, etc and expect same back.)
  • You to your new partner (<-- New person in your life that you have to get to know. Being honest with him, respecting his limits and not asking him to do more than he can, etc and expecting same back.)
  • You + (long term partner and new partner as a mini couple) <-- You can see you struggle with this. But maybe don't see that this layer might be easier if the other red layers above were green.
  • You + old partner + new partner.

And they have to do the same relationship nurturing from their own POV. The long term partner:

  • Long term partner to long term partner.

    [*]Long term partner to you.

    [*]Long term partner to new partner

    [*]Long term partner + (you and new partner as a mini couple)
  • You + long term partner + new partner.

And the new partner:

  • New partner to new partner.

    [*]New partner to you.

    [*]New partner to Long term partner

    [*]New partner + (you and Long term partner as a mini couple)
  • You + Long term partner + new partner.

Each one doing their fair share and each tier of relationship getting what that tier needs. Some tiers will need more care than others. That's ok.

Some people need glasses. Some people don't. Nobody begrudges them needing extra tools.

The health of a poly relationship is made up of all the "mini relationships" inside. If in the excitement everyone's been focused on the trio layer and neglecting the other tiers? There's a lot going neglected and no wonder you feel ugh. Happy the trio part is doing well but what about the rest?

My long term partner is really not happy with this idea 'if we play together we stay together' is the mantra. However I feel like I am maybe not strong enough emotionally to feel comfortable in a group yet.
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Long term partner is afraid the group will break up if there is no group sex? What does group sex do/prove for him? Could it be achieved another way so he can relax on the break up thing?

Long term partner is not happy with the idea of you taking a break from group sex until such time as you can deal with it? He prefers you to take on a lot of changes at one time (even if doing that is causing you pain)? Rather than spread them out and deal with one change at a time (so you have less emotional roller coaster?)

You might have to be more honest with both partners and then let each one deal with any disappointment they might have. It's not fair for you to carry ALL the ugh feelings of the adjustment period for the whole group. It's not fair to not disclose and then they have an inaccurate picture of how this is all going because they don't have all the information. People cannot be mind readers.

Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU. If you decide you want to take a break from group sex, then you can take a break. Group sex in this case is a "3 person yes." Not a "2 person yes and then one gets dragged along into it and then is fake smiles while wanting to die inside." That's not healthy. :(

Speak up for what you need more. Rather then pretending you are ok when you really are not. Presumably they are very loving and understanding. Trust that you can be open and vulnerable with what is going on inside you at this time. And that they will understand that you need more adjustment time with the challenges spread out rather than all piled up in one go.

It's ok not to be "Superman" or "Wonder Woman." People are just regular people.

Galagirl
 
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I'd have to agree that having a "group sex only" policy is a sure-fire way of leading to problems, especially if none of the people involved has experience with actual polyamory, particularly in maintaining communication.

There were stretches in my life where I had five (+ maybe one or two more) regularly occurring sexual relationships. Yet the "moresomes" were relatively rare.

The problem (IME) is that getting three people in a bed either requires a whole LOT of planning (which can easily dampen a sexy mood), or weaselling someone in who's simply not in the mood. When it's just two, it's pretty easy to make sure everyone is getting sufficient positive attention, & to "change course" if one falls out of the mood; communication easily remains really high. If one is fully satisfied & about ready to fall asleep, the other didn't have much problem keeping up.

Sure, sometimes there'd be three of us, the mood was right all around, someone brought up the possibility, & we had a suitable location available & the time to enjoy each other properly. But planning to "make something happen" was an iffy proposition at best. It was yet more difficult to talk about expectations & to NOT minimize personal needs & to NOT run roughshod over another's (perhaps unstated) desires.
 
I'd echo some of what GalaGirl and Ravenscroft have said, and add some of my own.

My first "real" experience with a relationship involving more than two people was with my GF#1 and GF#2. I'd had sex with multiple people at once before, but it was the emotional connection that threw me. Being involved in a lesbian triad that was in my home, in my bed, and in my heart was something a bit more difficult. It started when I realized that my two girls were more than just close (they hung out at my house all the time) but were in love and wanted a sexual connection. But they didn't want to do it without me involved. Scared me to death because I had endless nightmares about them running off with each other and leaving me behind. The fear is just part of it in the beginning.

Since I was really good friends with GF#2, things started a bit more easily between us than might have happened with someone less familiar. Relationships take WORK. So I focused on her, made it my mission to love her and practically smother her with attention. This helped me bond to her and it helped my GF#1 stop worrying that I would become jealous.

Ravenscroft is right is saying that "only group sex" is a recipe for discontent. I prefer a "both...and" approach. I like sex with multiple partners, but there also should be some one-on-one time. When I was in the triad relationship, I had sex with each of my girls separately as well as all of us together...on a daily basis. While I was at work, they had time to bond with each other. I also balanced time spent outside the bedroom. GF#1 would drive me to work (she still does), and after work I would often cook dinner with GF#2 while GF#1 was still in her office space finishing up her stuff (she works from home). Afterwards, it was the three of us.

Like GalaGirl says, you have to nurture all the connections. And it gets more complicated the more people who come along...
 
New partner is keen for one on one?

For you all to really work, *you need to honor that*

So much goes your way by default— if he expresses a counter to norm desire— make it happen if you at all can.

I’m going to advocate for them for a sec- and may end up an advocate for you.

You and original partner are an established unit.

The power imbalance is naturally THROUGH THE ROOF, though probably no one realizes that yet. You will. Soon.

When the power differential crisis hits, you are not going to regret a single thing you did to honor the desires of the new person— you are going to regret every bit of power you inadvertently hold that you need to work through.

Now, with that cheerful prediction out the way ;)

I was new in a triad where only group sex was negotiated whenever I was involved. (Though the old two continued one on one) Well, not negotiated. Imposed. Because one person needed it. (I still can’t believe I put up with that... but I’ce grown)

We all DEEPLY regret that.

I wish I could say I was over it. But 4 years later (albeit, in the process of working through a breakup with the last of them,, so more reflective than usual)- I still thought about that this morning, it ended up a symbol of all that was wrong.

Triad sex is wonderful- but gets old if not balanced. It’s also a lot harder to have your needs for security and focus met, even if the novelty and beauty is wonderful.. You need individual too for those who wants. It’s okay for old partner to only do group sex. Not okay for him to advocate you two only do group sex.

It sounds like things have gone old partner’s way for a while. It’s time to nurture both your and the new guy’s needs and desires.

Old partner may need to work through fear of missing out.

He’ll survive. Yoi’re surviving poly hell; new partner is surviving having two people negotiate adding him on as a third versus


ESPECIALLY if this is his desire in the first place— that gives him added resilience.


A triad of a+b+c has 3 relationships. A and b, b and c, a and c, and a b and c.

You sound like the relationships are really strong, and supportive- but not supported. Supported means you and c get to do your thing. And you and a. And a and c.

I think, myself, you and C (new guy) should go have some one on one time.

You can still play together and stay together. Just- play separately too.

Pass on some jealousy materials to A as well, to support him in his sharing of the poly hell while you two go off and date (and maybe fuck). It’s right — and necessary— to share the burdens as well as joys of poly throughout the group.

Strong dyads sexually make for stronger group set. But more importantly, more security and independence and fairness.
 
P.s- unrelenting jealousy is usually a sign of a need left unmet. Can you analyze what you’re are? I think that the group has given you a good start.


My take—

Sounds like you are getting reassurance- are you getting it in they way YOI need?

You are NOT getting autonomy with new guy. (Neither might new guy). You might need that.

You are not speaking your feelings and having them heard. Your partners don’t know group is not always good. Is that you? Them? They are just your feelings. Thy hurt no one.

Are you getting good info about poly normative practices? It sounds to me like you are all newbies at this. Are you a book person? Have you tied “more than Two”- the book, for starters? It would probably normalize your feelings formyou.

Are you getting good one in one time with your old person?

Are you getting time - alone or together- for the things outside yhenrwlationshio that can bring you joy? (Interests, friends)

Are you getting enough alone time?
 
As others have pointed out, you are currently going through "poly hell": a not-altogether-uncommon scenario for newbies to polyamory.

There are a lot of complex emotions floating around, but at heart, the reasons you're struggling are quite simple:

1.) You're trying to rush the process (and your established partner is trying to impose his will on the relationship), without letting it grow and develop, slowly and naturally.


2.) There is a lot of insecurity and low self esteem at play here. You're sinking under the weight of your own insecurity within the triad - and your established partner clearly has insecurities of his own, or else he wouldn't make an unsustainable rule such as "only group sex allowed". This is a pretty common mistake for those new to poly/triads from what I gather and have experienced personally.


3.) You and your long-term partner are both trying to micromanage the situation in order to combat the above, albeit from different angles.

- I found a new potential partner for us, who was very interested in me, then us. I have engineered the relationship!
- We have been seeing him for around 4 months. We have moulded the relationship to suit us and he is happy being the new third.

Note your use of phrasing such as "engineered the relationship" and "moulded the relationship to suit us". Your language reflects both a desire/tendency to control the situation AND is couple-centric. I'm not sure how much you've researched or read about ethical non-monogamy, but generally speaking "couple privilege" is frowned upon, and speaking in terms of "us" and "we" (to mean the pre-existing unit) only exacerbates the notion of privilege, even if unintentionally.

You (all!) need to get rid of the assumption that your new partner is your "third", because if you're truly a triad and each loves and is dating the other/s, he cannot be viewed as an expendable "third" whose needs and rights run secondary to yours and/or original lover.

4.) Your new partner obviously wants to spend time with you (and your other partner) one-on-one. He has expressed this desire already from what you say, however his wishes and needs are being denied because of a fear on the part of your first partner that you two may break up, or your bond lessen, if you "play" with him separately. (I'll just note here that I don't think "play" is an appropriate term for sharing sex with someone with whom one has a serious relationship, but that's probably splitting hairs.)

This situation (group sex only) isn't fair to your new guy, however, nor to you OR to the nurturing and development of each dyad within the triad.

5.) Also, be aware that it's also not un-common for the partner who initially brings poly to the table (or the bedroom, as the case may be) to be the one to experience the extremes of jealousy; often worse for being quite unexpected.

I'm not sure why that is, but it probably has something to do with polyamory involving a lot of complex emotions, on-going communication and emotional processing... meaning that, for those who go into poly blithely, or super-optimistically, without doing proper research or taking into account the potential downsides, it may come as a shock when the realisation hits that it takes a LOT of hard work and commitment to deal with and work through the negatives that invariably arise. (And they will and do, especially in the beginning!)

6.) The ethics of triad dating...

It's possible that you may simply not be a good fit for polyamory. And that's okay. Not everyone is or can be.

I know you said it was YOU who initiated this current situation... however, you also admitted that you've always known poly is something your long-term partner was interested in, rather than you... so is it possible that, in part, you talked yourself into being open to new relationships and/or orchestrated this triad in order to please him(?) Just food for thought.

Regardless, even if poly IS something you genuinely want for yourself, there is no guarantee (as you're discovering!) that it'll be an easy transition. Especially for a couple who've been together for almost two decades of monogamy.

Unfortunately, this "group sex only" rule (along with insisting a "third" date BOTH people) is one of the most common mistakes made by those new to polyamory. Think about it: IF you're planning on this being a long-term relationship... how sustainable is this rule?? There are going to be periods of time when one of you is sick, hospitalised, away on business, visiting family out of state, working shifts, etc. - do the two remaining at home have to remain celibate until the third party returns in every case??

What if it should transpire that new guy develops a much stronger bond with ONE of you over time, and it becomes impossible to fake "equality" in the relationship? Is there no chance of dating separately or the other person looking for a more compatible partner outside of the triad?

7.) re: Jealousy... crying etc.

No matter how much you may love each of your partners, if you are not psychologically prepared for a polyamorous relationship (in particular a triad involving mandatory group sex!), you will still experience jealousy.

For most people, jealousy is normal and natural in such situations. Being "forced" to witness your formerly-mono partner of 17 years getting excited by, and being pleasured by another person before your very eyes IS understandably confronting, even if, physically, you're getting pleasure out of the situation too. (I assume you guys did not have previous experience sharing casual sex with others outside the relationship, prior to this.)

This is a rookie mistake my partners and I also made, and I can honestly say that watching them be intimate when I really didn't want to almost broke me AND the relationship.

You need to get really HONEST with your partners - particularly your original partner - about how badly this is affecting you.

Sure, it's good that you recognise a degree of hypocrisy and unevenness about your attitude to GETTING love from both of them VS witnessing them showing love TO each other. You can work on this - IF a triad is truly what you want - but it takes TIME. You are all rushing the process.

Call a halt to the group sex. Start small... maybe by working on your jealousy over the loving texts your partners share... maybe by consenting to them going out on a date without you... or watching them kiss, snuggle etc. Skip the shared sex until you feel more secure. And even so, it should NOT be mandatory. Advocate for yourself and your rights within the relationship.
 
I know it's been said before, but bears repeating:

Socalled jealousy is a fire-alarm klaxon -- no less, no more.

When the damned thing starts shrieking, it's best to step away FIRST, & only THEN look into the cause.

Sure, maybe the alarm system is having its problems, or a sensor is faulty, or some jackass keeps (maybe "accidentally") triggering it. This certainly ought to be investigated, & repaired.

However, only a fool would disconnect a bunch of sensors, much less turn off the entire system

...especially when there ACTUALLY IS a fire.
 
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