why Kat Woods thinks polyamory is net negative for most people
- Thread starter Sisilisko
- Start date
Hi Sisilisko,
Polyamory definitely isn't for everyone. I agree that anyone considering poly should read this article first. That way they at least know what to look out for ahead of time. It does make sense to say that most of the books about poly will be written by people who succeed at poly, although I will also say that the situation is reversed here on Polyamory.com; that is, most of the people who come here are people who are struggling with poly. People who are "winning at poly" often don't feel the need to come to this forum. So we are seeing the data skewed in the opposite direction. But yes, definitely, anyone considering poly should read that article.
Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
Polyamory definitely isn't for everyone. I agree that anyone considering poly should read this article first. That way they at least know what to look out for ahead of time. It does make sense to say that most of the books about poly will be written by people who succeed at poly, although I will also say that the situation is reversed here on Polyamory.com; that is, most of the people who come here are people who are struggling with poly. People who are "winning at poly" often don't feel the need to come to this forum. So we are seeing the data skewed in the opposite direction. But yes, definitely, anyone considering poly should read that article.
Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
I don't tend to recommend poly to most people for somewhat different reasons (like the logistics of aligning 3 or more lives instead of two), and I do think poly is worth it only for a minority.
However I'm not sure what to think about her reasoning either.
Regarding the drama and processing, yes, there is certainly more of that with ENM. But what she describes is somewhat extreme, and I wonder how much can be attributed to their personal style. It seems she never had a poly arrangement that settled on a 'new normal', like, it was always something new, changing, shifting.
Regarding jealousy, I really don't know how much it can be changed/shifted for most poly-curios people, and it's such an interesting question. In my case, the intensity of jealousy (as well as jealousy triggers) changed significantly with changes in our arrangement, e.g. moving in together.
However I'm not sure what to think about her reasoning either.
Regarding the drama and processing, yes, there is certainly more of that with ENM. But what she describes is somewhat extreme, and I wonder how much can be attributed to their personal style. It seems she never had a poly arrangement that settled on a 'new normal', like, it was always something new, changing, shifting.
Regarding jealousy, I really don't know how much it can be changed/shifted for most poly-curios people, and it's such an interesting question. In my case, the intensity of jealousy (as well as jealousy triggers) changed significantly with changes in our arrangement, e.g. moving in together.
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I don't know who Kat Woods is or why I should care what she thinks, but I do hate the format of social media posts for discussing deep, nuanced topics.
Just makes it seem glib and flippant and click-baity.
Although I appreciate the cartoon that poly people are more likely to be staying up all night processing feelings than having tons of sex, LOL.
But the equivalent stereotype for a mono couple is that they lie awake all night not having sex and refusing to talk about why.
I do often ponder whether ENM/polyamory is something that should be pursued only by particular people who are oriented that way, or if almost anyone could do if they learn the right tools and reframe mono-normative thinking.
Personally, I think that the structure of monogamy has so many problematic aspects that everyone should try deconstructing it, even just to create a healthier way to be monogamous, not necessarily to do non-monogamy.
Just makes it seem glib and flippant and click-baity.
Although I appreciate the cartoon that poly people are more likely to be staying up all night processing feelings than having tons of sex, LOL.
But the equivalent stereotype for a mono couple is that they lie awake all night not having sex and refusing to talk about why.
I do often ponder whether ENM/polyamory is something that should be pursued only by particular people who are oriented that way, or if almost anyone could do if they learn the right tools and reframe mono-normative thinking.
Personally, I think that the structure of monogamy has so many problematic aspects that everyone should try deconstructing it, even just to create a healthier way to be monogamous, not necessarily to do non-monogamy.
You're not telling lies here.
Well, having done much reading and pondering of ancient history, and thinking about current tribal societies, I can well imagine the scenarios described in Sex at Dawn of fairly communal tribes, where much was held in common, so the paternity of any one child was irrelevant. All the kids belonged to the tribe or to the great patron goddess. Therefore, often women would have sex with more than one man of their choice when in a mood (probably during ovulation). She'd get to bond with several men in this way, and I bet even the men involved in the group sex, waiting their turn, would bond as well! Team work, ya know?
A woman didn't need one particular guy to "provide" for her and their children. The tribes were close knit, like a big tight extended family.
Close to home here in the US, I've gleaned some info about the very different ways indigenous societies were structured here, as opposed to what was happening in Europe, with Abrahamic religious thought dominating cultures (and dominating women).
We'll probably never go back to that way of life on any kind of large scale, although there are some traditional societies, rather isolated, which still live this way.
Well, what are your thoughts?
Hmm, no definite conclusions after about 15 years participating in this forum and over 20 years of practicing non-monogamy!
My main thought is that the way monogamy is currently practiced (at least in mainstream US society) is unhealthy and needs rethinking and reframing. Not necessarily that more people should actually do non-monogamy, but that everyone should question monogamy and mono-normative assumptions. This could lead to healthier monogamous relationships and better communication for people who choose monogamy.
CoralRose
Member
I couldn't agree with this more!