Why will this woman not leave me alone. :|

[YouAreHere]

I listened to this on the way home from work today, and about 2/3 in, I thought of you, Invi: http://polyweekly.com/2014/10/pw-407-poly-ethics-with-franklin-veaux-and-eve-rickert/

Whether you're a fan of FV or not, they talk about metamour relationships, and that it's OKAY to want one on your terms (and how it can be controlling when you're shamed into having a relationship that you don't want). Maybe you and your hubby can give the podcast a listen?

 

[Invi]

You're going to wait till you're all three living together?

I'm not doing very well with specifics today, am I? lol.
No. It's just he and I on the lease. The apartment will be myself, the mister, and our children.


I would rather he split his time between two homes than make myself live with someone I do not get along with.

Invi, does you husband like all your friends? Does he like all your family? Does he like the same people you like? If not, maybe you could gently remind him that just because you and your metamour have HIM in common, it doesn't mean that you'd be friends outside of that. If you can find a family member or friend that really rubs him the wrong way, maybe pushing him to befriend that person would drive the point home.

We're not married. Not an important detail, imo, but just so people know. lol. And so far we have not decided to use those labels for each other.

I have tried to talk to him about that, but he's a little stubborn. Which I understand. Obviously he cares about this woman or he wouldn't put forth the effort that he does with her. He wouldn't put up with her drama and the upset that results with his other partners if he didn't.
How serious is he about her, though? I have no idea. It's not really something he and I talk about.


CosmoMcKinley, I think part of the problem is he thinks she IS a team player because she just. keeps. trying. Despite his other partners not wanting anything to do with her.

I'm actually sitting here with my other metamour right now, listening to the podcast YouAreHere linked, talking about having a meeting of some sort with the mister so we can talk some things out.

 

[YouAreHere]

Whoops - my apologies for the assumption! Thanks for setting me straight.

 

[IndieSolo]

It's not tedious, it's lovely. Anyway, even if it were, it doesn't matter. I plan on having kids with him and I won't live with parents in separate homes. But I won't stop him, or myself, from having other relationships.

My post, which you quoted, was a general comment in response to the OP's situation, and was not directed to you.

 

[Dickdomin]

Self-inflexibility

I got confused during reading everything, but it sounds she might be a gusher, but it also sounds like your husband would like a house with everyone in it.

I will hope this is not a one room shack.

I'd make a list of the things you do not like about her and be brutal
Then don't send it, but go over this list again and again.

See if there are places you might not be being a bit unreasonable.

I've had very little success changing other people, but do quite well changing myself.

I am a project manage of a 130 acre farm. Needless to say there are a few folks here I do not like, but I manage to act civilized towards them. I do shoo poeple out the door of my room-which is the farm' sam in room, but people seem to respect that.

I am assuming you have met her.
When that list is complete
Send it in little pieces
I get she is trying to fit into the life she and your husband want.

While NYCyncie has a point that everyone does not have to live together, it sounds as if you have two people, one you are married to who think this is what they want.

I have often been in group with ALL the WRONG people and over time discovered they were rather perfect, but it did require I dump my expectations.

The one thing I have found is the only constant is change.
Being mentally and emotionally flexible is for me a bitch after all, I am perfect and if only those other idiots would just get that, well ok not perfect, I mean when I walk in water my socks frequently get damp, but I am working on that, well and to adjust the glow off my halo, but beyond that... Perfect.

Not all the women I have lived with were best of friends. They worked it out.

Having some private space is one thing.
I am an alpha, but never minded other alpha males around me. If one tried to get too macho, the women tended to well do things to his ego, which made me feel sorry for him. But then I learned a long time ago, submissive women only like being bossed around within their definitions of what they found acceptable bossing.

While there is more empty space within me and that bus coming towards me, I never stand in the way. There is being right and dead right.

So what would you need to change about yourself to get along with her?

 

[Dickdomin]

What do you talk about?

I have tried to talk to him about that, but he's a little stubborn. Which I understand. Obviously he cares about this woman or he wouldn't put forth the effort that he does with her. He wouldn't put up with her drama and the upset that results with his other partners if he didn't.
How serious is he about her, though? I have no idea. It's not really something he and I talk about.


CosmoMcKinley, I think part of the problem is he thinks she IS a team player because she just. keeps. trying. Despite his other partners not wanting anything to do with her.

I'm actually sitting here with my other metamour right now, listening to the podcast YouAreHere linked, talking about having a meeting of some sort with the mister so we can talk some things out.

I've heard the rumor that communication is one of the keys for a good relationship.

Now some people do get a bit carried away. I fortunately have a very creative brain, so I do upon occasion just sit there and daydream. Which gets people yelling at me, "are you paying attention!?!"
My answer is usually something like, "so everyone could talk. Did that mean I had to listen?"

I like everyone to get it down to the reader's digest, which if you'll notice my posts is the model (I mean the entire publishing history of reader's digest, not the 25 words or less.)

But a nice list to work from and a moderator to keep everyone on topic. Maybe a time limit. Rebuttal and all the good stuff they have worked out in Robot's Rule Order.

I had one great discussion with four women I lived with who were arguing about how much time each got to spend with me alone. I fell asleep, because this was a long complex discussion. I woke up and discovered I had a schedule. But they let me pick which side of the bed I slept in. Cause I am a big bad dom.

They even allowed me visitation rights to myself, but it was only one afternoon every few blue moons.

When the girls swapped shifts, I was never confused, because I never bothered to actually read the schedule. I figured the batter's knew their spot in the rotation.

No dom in his right mind stands in front of a bus driven by four demented submissives.

 

[Candiedlove]

My post, which you quoted, was a general comment in response to the OP's situation, and was not directed to you.

Just pointing out that making general statements is usually not fair. It may be tedious for you, but simply claiming that all family style poly where people prefer to live in the same residency is a wild claim to make.

 

[Dickdomin]

Huh?

Just pointing out that making general statements is usually not fair. It may be tedious for you, but simply claiming that all family style poly where people prefer to live in the same residency is a wild claim to make.

Well, you know because life is fair. If I only find the stats. The everything in life is totally fair.

But I sort of had the impression NYCyndie said NOT all families HAD to be a big poly pile.

But I get nervouse reading her posts. (Yes, my hands are still up and you have no idea how hard it is (no that is not a pun NYCyndie) to type, I've been made a senior member (do we have an emotocon that just gives a totally swave single eyebrow raise?) I am sure there is some tasteless joke that has all of you retching on to your keyboards.

OK backing out the door, hand still up. Senior member clearly acting more senior than a swave and deboner kinda a guy wants, especially is a world of purity and total fairness.

 

[Vinccenzo]

I still see this as something he is influencing. He wants all his loves living with him. She is looking at uprooting her life to try to give him what he wants and understandably knows doing so only to find y'all still can't get along would be a bad, pointless thing for her to do. Because of what he wants, you have no idea how up in wanting to be friends she'd be otherwise. Time to find out how set on this whole group living he really is before putting this all on her.
You're waiting till you and he move in together to talk about all this - call her manipulative? So is this. Not trying to suggest you're a bad person so much as pointing out you're behaving the same as you're accusing. It still comes down to letting him think he is moving in with someone who wants what he wants. If they are talking about it prior to moving in together, maybe you should be doing so as well?
Your avoidance is speaking for you and that can bring a lot of trouble.

 

[YouAreHere]

Vinccenzo makes a really good point - if this girl is feeling pressure to move in, then maybe that's driving her more than usual to try to be closer friends with you. Definitely worth a talk with the mister.

 

[Dickdomin]

Red flags

I have a bunch of red flags here.

"She wants a friendship, but I just do not like her. Her pushing is incredibly irritating to me."

So she is different in how she feels. And you don't like it. Not to put words in your mouth but sounds like you are saying she should change, but not you. Or she doesn't have the right to be the way she is, but you have the right to be the way you are.

"More than once she has said she was done trying to talk to me, and for a while, I wouldn't hear anything. And then she'd text me out of nowhere."

""I don't deal with people who are hot and cold all the time. I do not keep friends who say they don't want anything to do with me one day then want to be my bestie two weeks later."

"The only reason I keep trying is because very soon, I will be living out there. (She currently lives 1400 miles away) Very soon, we will be confronted by the fact that he wants us all to live together. I think it's best to try now instead of learning we can't tolerate each other."

"I'm working on myself and trying to change things. What are the things you don't like about me so I can work on myself? I'd really like us to be friends or at least amicable."

So I am not hearing her saying, "hey Nancy fuck off I think you're a cunt" then a week later, "oh Nancy so good to see you let's have lunch."

It sounds to me like she keeps trying and you are pretty consistently saying, "my way or the highway." But generally fuck off. I only like my friendships to develop xyz.

Look at the "I'd really like us to be friends or at least amicable."

"Mister messaged me not long after asking what was going on between she and I because she can't keep things between us as things between us. She goes to him about it and complains how she's the only one trying"

She is going to her lover and asking advice. Been there more than a few times.
Are you trying?
I am not saying she is not whining or playing victim, but I am hearing you playing victim right now, so why can't she? I know sucks having the same rules for everybody. Totally NOT fair.

"You're right that it needs to be addressed by everyone. I would think that it would be obvious by now that situation will not work, but no one has come out and said, "This isn't going to happen the way you want it to; what are the alternatives?"

And the reason is?

"The living situation right now is changing. I have been staying with my mother and he with a friend of his. We actually just signed a lease Wednesday to move back in to a place together. One reason I don't want to talk to him about all of this immediately is because he is under a lot of stress."

Ok could you tell me why you and child and he are not all with your mother? I mean small house, sleep on a mattress in the LR get up and put it away each morning? Is there more to this? Mom not a big fan of Mister?

He has stress? So what? Everyone has stress, question is how you deal with it. I'm getting a big avoidance red flag here.

I am guessing you guys are financially strapped. OK stressful with one baby-infant (never sure of the dividing line) and one on the way. He has a second gf? Who lives where? Why didn't you all move in with her?

She has told you he wants to all live together. At least he told her that. What has he told you?
I got a "we don't talk about this" major red flag.

Now I have heard others say, "I'm territorial " sort of this is my space. And fact is not so long ago we all lived in tribes in caves (I know this is not now, now we have priests buttfucking our six year old in the name of Jesus) so much more civilized.

So what if you were locked in a prison cell together? Seriously, think about that. Like you had no choice. How would you act then?

Do you date? Have other lovers? Of is Mister the only poly in this group?

I really think you need some marriage counseling, but I am going to guess out of pocket is not an option and stepping into the state system is likely going to get your kids taken away, but finding a poly counselor or a good poly group to assist you as moderators seems like the smartest way to go.
There are always counselor's who will do a bit of pro bono.

That you didn't know she was coming to live with you, or were in denial. Is a major red flag.

Not all my women got along. Not all the men got along. I can still sit down and have a civilized dinner, yes even with Dubya, though I might wish Dick Cheney would lend me his shotgun, I would be civilized over dinner.

Being civil is one of the things that separates the bonobos from the rest of the monkeys and likely without the mullahs and priests filling our ears with bullshit for thousands of years, we might be as civilized as the bonobos.

Poly many amor to love. Yes I know it does not mean everyone, but being civil is a far cry from what. I am hearing you say about your behavior.

When new girls or men moved into my house there was usually and adjustment period. Sometimes fights broke out. Shit I have three sisters, I am smart enough to stay out of the room until I hear slaps, or furniture breaking. Frequently, there were a week of someone being a two year old. I had a rule, everyone sits down to dinner, unless you have a fucking fever. If you can't speak civilly to a person, don't speak.

What I found was nearly everyone learned how to get along. A few unlikely friendships and even caught two mortal enemies in bed together (more than a few times) yeah I know love hate two sides of the same coin.

I have said more than a few times, I have never been able to fix a single defective person I have met. I have been able to change MY BEHAVIOR towards them. I am stunned at how often that resulted in a person so totally transformed, they were better than my imagined fixed person and not to mention a slightly better me.
So old Buddha (who I think is an idiot too, just less of one well let me say his followers because I doubt ol' Jez was a dickhead too) said, Suffering comes from Expectations.

Have you got any expectations about what your relationship with your husband should look like?
Have you got an ideal picture in your head?
have you told him what this is?
If YOU were the girl 1,400 miles away, in love with a guy, is how you are treating her the way you would like to be treated?
Life is lessons. They get delivered whether you want them or not. Get the lesson, transcend it and move on, but guess what you get more lessons. But you get better at it.

Don't get the lesson, while everyone is at the beach, you get to go to summer school with that fucking crabby teacher who has zero sense of humor.
The lessons are Fate. Free will is how you choose to play the hand you are dealt.

Discussion NOW with moderators or a professional poly knowledgeable therapist.

Finally, since you are in Las Vegas, I recommend you go to the Zappos headquarters and ask to speak to the head of Human Resources. Give them the 25 words or less Readers Digest and ask if they know a friendly therapist. You might even get a fashionable pair of boots to stick up. Mister's ass.

That is a very alternative lifestyle friendly group of people.

 

[Inyourendo]

the other chic can be the way she wants but the OP can choose to not communicate with a person like that.

I dont like pushy people either and I nip that kind of behavior in the bud. you call me? I can hang up if I dont like what you are saying or acting. Sounds like the OP is not welcoming this person into her life as well she shouldnt. Just because MR is seeing this chic does not mean that the OP should be forced to deal with her.

 

[YouAreHere]

She has told you he wants to all live together. At least he told her that. What has he told you?
I got a "we don't talk about this" major red flag.

Now I have heard others say, "I'm territorial " sort of this is my space. And fact is not so long ago we all lived in tribes in caves (I know this is not now, now we have priests buttfucking our six year old in the name of Jesus) so much more civilized.

So what if you were locked in a prison cell together? Seriously, think about that. Like you had no choice. How would you act then?

[...]

Not all my women got along. Not all the men got along. I can still sit down and have a civilized dinner

Sounds like your living arrangement was more of an "I'm the Dom and you are my subs and this will be what it is" type of thing? Perhaps she doesn't want to be TOLD what her living arrangements will be, but instead wants to have a voice in them.

Having a civilized dinner with someone and having to live with them are two different things (I'm sure you realize this). For me, it would be torture for my own home to be a place in which I walk on eggshells all the time. Having it all come to a head where I fight with the person? I just don't understand why I'd ever put myself into that situation.

Then again, for the OP's benefit, my situation is a bit different too. This house isn't just my home, but it's the house I bought after my divorce. My independence, so to speak. It symbolizes my safe place AND my middle finger against linking my finances with someone ever again. Feeling as though I HAD to move someone in, especially if I didn't really like them? It wouldn't fly. And if it were to happen, I would feel pushed out of my own home because I wouldn't feel free to NOT be on my best behavior in a place where I should be able to let go of any pretensions.

Good luck, Invi. Have you been able to get your other metamour and your mister together to talk yet?

 

[Dickdomin]

Various on the relationships

Sounds like your living arrangement was more of an "I'm the Dom and you are my subs and this will be what it is" type of thing?

In my case I am sort of more hippie than dom. About half of my relationships have SM involved the other none. I really am a faux-sadist, I get off on the masochist getting off, just like I get off on my lover getting off during dp tp.

I cannot think of a time when I said, you come here, you live here. It was more here is the situation, choose. One of the big upsets came when a new girl was getting settled in, yes sub, yes maso, and other yes sub yes maso brought home a stray puppy. And there was sort of a two on one.

In that particular case, I let them thrash around. I do not think it is my job, responsibility, place to micro manage or to handle your relationships for you, but when it got very overloaded two on one, I sided with one, you know raised with all that underdog shit.

But being civilized has nothing to do with that per se. I have had stockholders I didn't particularly like. I had times when what was best for me was not best for my stockholders, stockholders always won. I'd given my word. I keep it. Sucks plenty of times.

I've worked with people I didn't like. I did not avoid, or walk on eggshells. But then we all have our styles.

I sort of always try to notice is my canoe facing upstream and I am fighting the current, dodging all the flotsam and jetsam.

I also take a lot of time for my relationships. I have run companies or worked as a consultant most of my life, been a freelance professional. I also had a father who told me the only thing I had in my life was my word, everything else was a gift, the food, my family my friends, only my word. I thought he was full of shit because I had a red bike. But as I grew up I got how precious it is to give and keep your word.

He also did not make a big dividing line between his company/customers and family. We went out to dinner with customers, they visited our home and our family farm, hell I slept with nearly every daughter I could! (Yes I am an asshole)

I find it is a good idea to list the stuff you like about a person and keep looking for more positive stuff

Some crackerjack book said easy to spiral downwards, takes intention to soar.
Fucking annoying how so many of those aphorisms, wise saying blah blah are true.

Easy as shit to pick shit I don't like and just build on that. Trust me I have so many faults, I can easily see them in you and I have had years of practice beating the shit out of myself, you are a cupcake.

I would rather have you as my friend or someone I can get along with. So I get to choose
I don't get to choose you showed up, that seems to be the whole fucking fate thing. And I find you try to fuck with fate it gives you the hot lead enema (summer school metaphor on steroids! Lol)

The choice of whether I am going to focus on your faults or your positives is MINE. I cannot fix your stupid ass. I do however have some control over my behavior.

Being civil is not always easy, especially when you first start out and you are feeling a bit fucked over and have your guard up. I did not get good at tennis for nearly three years. Golf I was lucky I was 12 when I started. But everything from building a house, to fixing a car to learning to touch people the way THEY wanted/needed to be touched was learned.

Lots of times "Fuck! I don't want to!!!!"
So what?
What cards are in your hand?
I recommend you play those cards and get you win some you lose some.

Perhaps she doesn't want to be TOLD what her living arrangements will be, but instead wants to have a voice in them.

I don't say she should not have a voice. big Bad Dom juggling multiple subs makes juggling cats easy.

What I am getting is she is saying, "I only do relationships like this. So fuck off."
She has put off the convo where her voice can be heard.
That this convo wasn't started, I'll put it on all of them.
And their teachers

Having a civilized dinner with someone and having to live with them are two different things (I'm sure you realize this).

Yes, but they are not that dissimilar.

. This house isn't just my home, but it's the house I bought after my divorce. My independence, so to speak. It symbolizes my safe place AND my middle finger against linking my finances with someone ever again.

So a pleasant divorce, was it?
I think we should be teaching the how to in sex at school
Along with how to make and keep agreements
How to make a budget and how to handle finances
How to argue, honestly and ethically.

Way more important than when George cut down the cherry tree, but of course it would mean an educated populous, so harder for the banks and government to buttfuck you.
95% of all divorces revolve around sex or money. Notice how these are two subjects not covered in grade, rj or HS and only covered in uni if you elect them.

So you are carrying around a good deal of hurt, fear and distrust.
Maybe it is serving you now. I suspect it doesn't feel very good.

Question I always ask myself: a What is the lesson?
How is this lesson here to make me a better person.

I'd rather be fucked over a hundred times, than to cut off the chance I could meet one incredible person.
I do tend to jump in. I have wrenching heartaches. And trust me I am never saying, "that fucking bitch." I am noticing all the little places I was a douchebag.
I have fucked up every single relationship in my life. I am 100% responsible.
This is totally unreasonable, but since I accept I cannot fix you, 100% of the fix has to be inside me.

How I behave towards you is 100% my responsibility. If you act like a douchebag, it is my responsibility to handle MY response to you.
I am taking totally unreasonable, but...

Take a look at your life from this point of view for a few weeks and see what comes up.

Feeling as though I HAD to move someone in, especially if I didn't really like them? It wouldn't fly. And if it were to happen, I would feel pushed out of my own home because I wouldn't feel free to NOT be on my best behavior in a place where I should be able to let go of any pretensions.

While I too often use the word Should is one of the most dangerous words i find.

I started out with the "Goddamn it we are going to do it this way!"

But I found when one of my girls was complaining, it was far more productive to keep asking myself, "what am I missing here? What does she need? Am I able to give that to her? If not, how could I get it for her."

I know most people outside D/s think subs serve Doms.
This has been my tags with minor adjustments for more than thirty years

Heavenz on Earth
Service, Healing & Empathy

He who rules truly serves
She who serves truly rules

The flow of abundant energy is in Partnership

Life is not fair.
So, how you want to play this hand?

 

[YouAreHere]

I would rather have you as my friend or someone I can get along with. So I get to choose
I don't get to choose you showed up, that seems to be the whole fucking fate thing.

Sure, but then when/if I don't really want to be besties with them, and they do, then there's a disconnect. I can get along with people, but I may not want to be around them 24/7.

So a pleasant divorce, was it?

It was about as pleasant as one can be: we did all our paperwork and agreements ourselves - no mediators, no lawyers, and we still get along fairly well with respect to the kids' activities and the like. We can talk and joke with each other just fine. Would I ever want to live with him again? Nope.

But my point there was that I got effed over financially. Not because of him, but because I entwined my finances so tightly with him, that I lost all sense of what I really could spend, especially after the divorce. Plus, I got screwed during tax time. Lesson learned. Because of this, I have a different point of view than other people may have. I wanted to make sure that I was honest about some of the other reasons behind my "my home is mine" attitude, when it's not all about territory and doesn't really apply to the OP's situation.

95% of all divorces revolve around sex or money. Notice how these are two subjects not covered in grade, rj or HS and only covered in uni if you elect them.

So you are carrying around a good deal of hurt, fear and distrust.
Maybe it is serving you now. I suspect it doesn't feel very good.

The divorce really had nothing to do with either, however, I don't really feel like I need to explain our reasons for divorcing, or take this thread even more off-topic. Thanks, though.

 

[Dickdomin]

Sure, but then when/if I don't really want to be besties with them, and they do, then there's a disconnect. I can get along with people, but I may not want to be around them 24/7.

Yeah, this is where the BDSM really works. I mean a good dildo gag, blindfold and a few belt hooked up the that 1/2" variable speed drill. Then I can finish the chapter I was either reading or writing.

But my point there was that I got effed over financially.

Which brings us to the " let's teach people about money" but I bet most of the effing was banks, finance companies, CC, and the tax man. Did they use lube? And not to mix thread with that one about talking about money, but did they charge you way over retail for very inferior lube, maybe with sand in it?

The divorce really had nothing to do with either, however, I don't really feel like I need to explain our reasons for divorcing, or take this thread even more off-topic. Thanks, though.

I wasn't really talking as directly to you as pointing out how to deal effectively with people and get along.

Muslims (bottom of my religion list) have a policy that if you have more than one wife, you have to be able to provide. In Indonesia where I saw this the most, a compound has four houses, one for each wife and this giant bed in the middle for husband, so maybe he likes to show off, but the excuse is he is playing guard dog.
I love one quote from the Koran: if you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

I think we are seeing a divorce in the making (Yes I know no marriage so metaphorical) but maybe they won't talk about that either? Ball gag for the gusher? Sheepskin gloves and knee pads turned inside out? We got polished floors.

If they could only get the gusher to take a vow of silence, they could all be totally upset, never talk about it, cook stew using the steam rising from everyone's head

 

[Invi]

I'm mobile, so quoting things isn't going to happen.

I don't live in Vegas anymore. Haven't since early 2013. Have not updated profile.

Everyone involved knew the housing preferences. I knew theirs. She did not spring it on me. Both of them knew that if she and I don't get along, I'm not okay with living together. I'm not trying to block her because I don't want housemates. I'm fine living with people in addition to my partner, as long as everyone gets along. But we don't. She and I don't, and she and the other girl don't. We can all tolerate each others presence for short periods, but the mister is the only one that likes this girl. Which is fine. But my boundary is that I will not live with someone I dislike when other options are available. He knows this. He has known this for months. He still moved forward with me to get an apartment.
The lease is only twelve months, and six months renewal, with the ability to break the lease at any time with one month's rent and thirty days notice.
She would not be living with us for a good long time from now, regardless of what she thinks. We'd need a bigger place before that would even be legal here as there are restrictions on how many people can live in rentals based on the number of bedrooms.
So no, not talking to him about it before finishing our move is not me being manipulative. He knows I don't want to live with her. My other metamour and I have even talked about she and I getting our own place if the mister insists on wanting to live with the girl we don't like.

If that's his preference, that's his preference, but I'm not so sub that I will be made uncomfortable in my own home because he wants her there, too.

I'm very much an introvert. People demanding things of me that I am not okay with is exhausting to me. Living with someone I dislike pretty much means I don't leave my bedroom other than to prepare food, do dishes, do laundry, or utilize the bathroom.

 

[Candiedlove]

I'm mobile, so quoting things isn't going to happen.

I don't live in Vegas anymore. Haven't since early 2013. Have not updated profile.

Everyone involved knew the housing preferences. I knew theirs. She did not spring it on me. Both of them knew that if she and I don't get along, I'm not okay with living together. I'm not trying to block her because I don't want housemates. I'm fine living with people in addition to my partner, as long as everyone gets along. But we don't. She and I don't, and she and the other girl don't. We can all tolerate each others presence for short periods, but the mister is the only one that likes this girl. Which is fine. But my boundary is that I will not live with someone I dislike when other options are available. He knows this. He has known this for months. He still moved forward with me to get an apartment.
The lease is only twelve months, and six months renewal, with the ability to break the lease at any time with one month's rent and thirty days notice.
She would not be living with us for a good long time from now, regardless of what she thinks. We'd need a bigger place before that would even be legal here as there are restrictions on how many people can live in rentals based on the number of bedrooms.
So no, not talking to him about it before finishing our move is not me being manipulative. He knows I don't want to live with her. My other metamour and I have even talked about she and I getting our own place if the mister insists on wanting to live with the girl we don't like.

If that's his preference, that's his preference, but I'm not so sub that I will be made uncomfortable in my own home because he wants her there, too.

I'm very much an introvert. People demanding things of me that I am not okay with is exhausting to me. Living with someone I dislike pretty much means I don't leave my bedroom other than to prepare food, do dishes, do laundry, or utilize the bathroom.

That sounds much more reasonable than the picture you presented earlier. You keep the living arrangements you prefer, and if he insists on living with the other woman, he's free to do so-- WITHOUT you forced to join along.

Happy to hear that you're keeping an option to live away from him, if need be. It sounded a bit before like you were wanting to prevent him living with her. But this is merely you controlling your actions, not his.

 

[Invi]

I couldn't control him if I tried. Lol.
It is my preference to live with him, obviously, since we have children together, but I'm not going to try to stop him from living with her in a separate home. I just don't think that's the choice he'd make if for some reason his options were only, live with us or live with her, instead of split time or something else.

 

[Candiedlove]

I couldn't control him if I tried. Lol.
It is my preference to live with him, obviously, since we have children together, but I'm not going to try to stop him from living with her in a separate home. I just don't think that's the choice he'd make if for some reason his options were only, live with us or live with her, instead of split time or something else.

That's totally cool. The picture I was getting before was that he was moving everyone in together, and she was trying to talk beforehand, and you were wondering why she was trying to talk to you...and I just felt like, ummmm, necessity?

I doubt he would, either, but hey, at least you aren't all definitely moving in together!