Why??

T

tamlvscarl

New member
Ok so, if you are mono, and your partner is poly, what exactly are you getting out of them being in a relationship with new people? While they are experiencing new firsts and all the excitement of being with someone new, what are you getting out of it, really? I have no problem with alone time or keeping myself busy or appreciating time without my husband around, but while he is meeting someone new with the same interests as him, sharing new experiences, making new memories, what am I am getting out of it?? I am just curious what others feel they are getting out of being in a relationship with a poly person who is meeting new people, having new firsts, while you are home taking care of the kids or out shopping or doing whatever to not think or overthink what they are doing? Many times I have come to conclusion or answer to that question being that person should be single. If you want to date, meet new people, have multiple relationships, maybe you are trying to live as a single person while still keeping hold of that person you don't want to let go of. But is that fair??
 
And why do I or any mono people have to work thru our jealousies or dig deeper to find out what the issue is, like, why am I jealous? It is normal to feel that way. Yes, you can love multiple children, you can love your friends and family. It is not the same thing as the person you share your life with to go and share all those things with someone other than you. It is not the same thing. I hate the comparison of kids or family or friends.
 
I imagine what they get out of it is being with someone they love. Either they aren't jealous, or they are willing to work through that in order to be with the person they are with. Being with someone who is poly isn't a dealbreaker.

Sometimes the person you are with doesn't know they are poly, and then when they decide they want to practice polyamory, the mono person has to decide if it's worth staying with them, if the poly person doesn't want to continue being mono. It's kind of a hard spot to be in. Someone will be the loser in these situations. Either the poly person has to be someone they aren't to satisfy the mono partner, or the mono partner has to share the partner they thought was going to be only with them.

I think the root of jealousy is often fear-- fear they will love another more, fear they will leave you. Also there is an element of loneliness, if you want to be with your partner all the time, and they are out there with others, leaving you alone. Also it kind of sucks when your partner is out there doing fun stuff with someone else, stuff that you might want to do. It's kind of on the person having these feelings to deal with them.

It's not on me to fix N if he's feeling jealous. It's on him to work through those feelings, and vice versa. Why would I, as a poly person, have to fix my jealous mono partner?
 
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
 
Because if you don't bother to look at why you're jealous, even in a monogamous relationship, you run the risk of ruining your relationship, because you have no idea why certain things make you feel the way you do. You're stuck in a static position that doesn't change because you don't care to deal with your issues.

Poly or not, exploring your reactions to certain things makes you a better person and better able to articulate your problems, rather than just saying "I'm jealous, but I don't know why, and I shouldn't have to know why!"

If you're having such a hard time with your husband going out and meeting people, why did you agree to have a poly relationship with him? If it's not something that you're able to do or deal with, wouldn't it be better to discuss it with him?

Also, I think that the comparison to family and friends and children is an apt one because it shows something very clearly: there are different kinds of love. Why can't there be different kinds of romantic love, as well? Is it that romantic love is a threat, whereas familial and friendly love is not? Friendly love can turn into romantic love.
 
I don't like the kid comparisons, either - at least, the typical kid comparison. I can't compare romantic love to the love I have for my children, and the comparison just leaves me feeling sort of "ew."

That said, though, I had to reframe the question into "What do I get out of a relationship with my partner," and THAT list is a pretty long one.

What do I get out of a poly relationship? Not much. I'm not poly. I get less time with my partner. Whoopee... (*)

However, what do I get out of a relationship with my partner? Someone who loves me for me, someone with whom I work well (cooking, projects around the house, you name it), someone with whom there is no shortage of conversation, or learning about each other... my relationship with my partner is wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

That's my reason why.

(* - So, yes, I was a bit flippant here. I used to have to reframe the question, but one thing I know that I have gained from being in a poly relationship is the self-introspection. It is very easy to bury and ignore the difficult things in a monogamous relationship, not so much in a poly one. I have dug deep into myself, found out more than I ever expected to, and come out stronger in the end. It's definitely a benefit, but certainly not an easy one.)

Now, that said, I came into this knowing my partner was poly. I did not open an existing relationship, and I did not have to feel as though something was taken away from me (time, etc.). I still had a lot of work ahead of me, though, but I found the relationship worth it. Why work through it? Because you find it worth it. If it's not worth it, then why indeed?

My partner has also gone through a lot of work on his side-- learning about how I love (after not understanding it and thinking I could just "be poly"), understanding patience, and understanding how to communicate and work through our issues, as well. It's not one-sided, but if it is on your side, I can understand your being upset.

I hear your questions, but what's your situation? Maybe with more info, we can offer some better feedback.
 
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tamlvscarl said:
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
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Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy, and the underlying factors of it, and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he could be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
 
Okay, a little background... I have put 19 years into this relationship. We have 2 children. I have put my wants, needs, feelings, you name it on a backburner for this person. He has had his cake and eaten it, too, numerous times, and really throughout our entire relationship.
 
stillskies said:
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
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Umm... really no! My happiness above his? No. Never in 19 years. It's just getting to the point of enough is a enough and maybe we are not right for each other.
 
tamlvscarl said:
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
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You have an option.. If you are not happy, leave the relationship.
 
YouAreHere said:
I don't like the kid comparisons, either - at least, the typical kid comparison. I can't compare romantic love to the love I have for my children, and the comparison just leaves me feeling sort of "ew".

That said, though, I had to reframe the question into "what do I get out of a relationship with my partner"... and THAT list is a pretty long one.

What do I get out of a poly relationship? Not much. I'm not poly. I get less time with my partner. Whoopee... (*)

However - what do I get out of a relationship with my partner? Someone who loves me for ME, someone with whom I work well (cooking, projects around the house, you name it), someone with whom there is no shortage of conversation, or learning about each other... my relationship with my partner is wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

That's my reason why.


(* - So, yes, I was a bit flippant here. I *used* to have to reframe the question, but one thing I know that I *have* gained from being in a poly relationship is the self-introspection. It is VERY easy to bury and ignore the difficult things in a monogamous relationship. Not so much in a poly one. I have dug deep into myself, found out more than I ever expected to, and come out stronger in the end. It's definitely a benefit, but certainly not an easy one.)

Now... that said, I came into this knowing my partner was poly - I did not open an existing relationship, and I did not have to feel as though something was taken away from me (time, etc.). I still had a lot of work ahead of me, though, but I found the relationship worth it. Why work through it? Because you find it worth it. If it's not worth it, then why indeed?

Edited to add:
My partner has also gone through a lot of work on his side - learning about how *I* love (after not understanding it and thinking I could just "be poly"), understanding patience, and understanding how to communicate and work through our issues as well. It's not one-sided, and if it is on your side, I can understand your being upset.

I hear your questions, but what's your situation? Maybe with more info, we can offer some better feedback.
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That's where we differ. We were a closed relationship and he changed, wanting to open our relationship
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stillskies said:
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
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His happiness has always come before mine, but I am just getting kinda tired of it. Like why? Just be single. If you want to date, go meet new people, have all these new experiences, then let me go, and go do that.
 
I am sorry you are upset. :(

If you are mono and your partner is poly, what exactly are you getting out of them being in a relationship with new people?
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Is that is what is being asked of you at this time? "Are you willing to participate in a polyship with me?"

While they are experiencing new firsts and all the excitement of being with someone new, what are you getting out of it?
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Only you can answer that for yourself, if you are the monoamorous partner in a polyship.

If you are not willing to participate in a polyship because you are monoamorous and monogamous, you just say, "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in a polyship with you." Keep it simple.

And why do I or any mono people have to work thru our jealousies or dig deeper to find out what the issue is like why am I jealous?
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You only have to do that if you:

a) Agree to participate in a polyship as a monoamorous person. (You do not have to agree.)
b) Experience those issues in your polyship.


You can love multiple children. You can love your friends and family. It is not the same thing as the person you share your life with to go and share all those things with someone other than you. I hate the comparison of kids or family or friends.
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It is totally okay and normal to be monoamorous and have the desire/capacity to love only one adult partner at a time. It is totally okay to want your relationship shape to be monogamous and exclusive. There is nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself. Relationships come in all shapes, and you are allowed to like the shape you like best! But for you to actually have and share that kind of relationship with someone, your partner also has to want the same thing, or it is just not a runner. Disappointing, but there it is. People wanting different relationship shapes are not compatible.

And why should I, as a mono person, have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
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You don't have to do that.

His happiness coming out of your hide is not a very kind or loving expectation to have.

If he expects this? He is too selfish.

If you expect this? You are too selfless.

Both could think about becoming "self-full" -- where you meet your own needs and that of others in a balanced way, not all skewed one way or the other.

I have put my wants, needs, feelings, you name it on a backburner for this person. He has had his cake and eaten it, too, numerous times and really, throughout our entire relationship.
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If in the past you have agreed to participate in a relationship where the expectation is that your own wants/needs are on the back burner, you were not looking out for your own best interests.

You could stop doing that.

Its just getting to the point of enough is a enough and maybe we are not right for each other.
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If you know already right now that it is apples and oranges here, it's better to not attempt a poly marriage, plan a clean split and set each one of you free with a clean slate. Then you are free to seek a "monoship" with a new partner. Your ex is free to seek a "polyship" with a new partner.

Neither of you has to experience more "ugh" than necessary, trying to make a fundamentally incompatible thing fly when it just won't fly. Again, disappointing, but there it is. Some things in life are not "win or lose" but "Which one stinks least?"

The only way I can see a monoamorous and monogamous person working out with a polyamorous person is:

a) The monoamorous and monogamous person is willing to listen to and share the poly person's thoughts and feelings, rather than ignore that side of them. They open up enough to do that for their spouse, so their spouse can be themselves with them.

b) The poly person willingly closes the relationship to a monogamous shape for their partner, in return for that understanding, because they understand their partner needs this for them.

Both "get back" getting to be with each other, because they love one another, and they have come to a workable compromise, where each is putting something in for the other one's benefit. If both are not willing to do that, then it will not fly.

His happiness has always come before mine. I am getting tired of it. Like why? Just be single. If you want to date, go meet new people, have all these new experiences, then let me go and go do that.
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I am curious. Basically he wants to open the marriage, but only on his side? You resent it all, or mainly the fact that he wants to keep your side closed, so you don't get to have those new experiences also?

If it were open on both sides, would that change your willingness to participate? Or even then would you still not want to be participating in a polyship? I am not clear on where you upset is coming from-- all of it in general is not for you, or his offer is not for you?

I see you are upset. And again, I am very sorry you are going through this. It does not sound fun. :(

I suggest getting clearer on what is being asked of you. If there are no yummy cookies of any kind for you, just say, "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in that offer."

What comes after that? You pick one of these and flesh out the details:

  • He lets go of this want, and you both remain in a monoship together.
  • He presents you with a yummier offer for an open model relationship where there are perks for you too, not just for him. You both agree to stay together, but in a new model, an ethical non-monogamous one
  • You part ways because of incompatible future goals/wants/needs.

Galagirl
 
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Stop playing the martyr. The only person responsible for your happiness is you.
 
The burden always falls on the mono partner to come up to speed. You have to read all the poly material, go to a poly-approved counselor, because it wouldn't be fair to make your spouse uncomfortable.

The things you listed-- new firsts, memories, opportunity costs with the family, don't sound like jealous items. They sound like factual logistical items along the lines of daily grind, and the fun cake and ice cream. (Food analogies often get used too.)

To your question what are you going to get out of it? Standard answer:
1) happier spouse
2) you might get some spillover sex, from a natural kick start to his libido, or to make things seemed balanced.
3) because of the issues and topics and the need to discuss said, there might be a feeling of greater closeness, and as a consequence, better communication skills.
 
dingedheart said:
The burden always falls on the mono partner to come up to speed. You have to read all the poly material, go to a poly approved counselor because it wouldn't be fair to make your spouse uncomfortable.

The things you listed, new firsts, memories, opportunity costs with the family, don't sound like jealous items. They sound like factual logistical items alone the lines of daily grind, and the fun cake and ice cream. (Food analogies often get used too.)

To your question what are going to get out of it? Standard answer: 1) happier spouse 2) you might get some spillover sex, from a natural kick start to his libido, or to make things seemed balanced 3) because of the issues and topics and the need to discuss, there might be a feeling of greater closeness, as a consequence better communication skills.
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Is there a like button?! Cuz yes, that is what I am told is what I get from this type of relationship!
 
Clarification

Listening to what's been said and really just have one point:

When exactly did he tell you he was poly? More specifically, before or after kids? Because kids are a whole other issue. And, yes, it's much harder to leave someone after that. You have more than yourself to consider.

If he told you after you had kids, well, that's wonderful he came to his self-realization, but if you can't handle it and need monogamy, I'd say it's his job to suck it up and do what he needs to keep you in the relationship. You shouldn't have children, if you're still a child, and if he wasn't done growing up before he had a kid, it's his problem now.

On the other hand, if you came into the relationship knowing it was poly, hoping he'd change, thinking, maybe that having kids would make him want to just be with you, then I'd say you knew what you were getting into and need to find a way to be happy, without making him unhappy.

I never quite understand people in relationships where one person's happiness is dependent on the other person sacrificing theirs, but sometimes the situation just happens. :(
 
If you feel you've given too much of yourself, and aren't receiving anything in return, then yes - reevaluate your relationship. Your own emotional health is important.

That said, I was married for 17 years before my ex and I divorced. I felt that over time, I'd lost too much of myself, given up too much and received very little in return. I was told that I was selfish for wanting to be who I am, for wanting connection with my friends, for wanting to go out and do things for myself (running - it took me away from the kids :rolleyes:), that type of thing. These things can happen in any relationship, sadly. Poly can be a catalyst, but in my personal experience, I've found that it's rarely the only reason for many of the issues I've had in my current relationship.

If your partner is disrespectful of your needs, then poly or not, there's a problem there.
 
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