Wide Awake

FullofLove1052

New member
You have NO IDEA how many mono to poly people DH and I see on other lists and sites and yes even here, who are told, "Slow your roll! You did some damage in your base/primary/established/marriage relationship! Take some time to work on that first!"

So believe me, this blog is being read, is relevant and is a damn inspiration. The idea that you are only poly if you are actively in more than one relationship is idiotic. Like you aren't whateversexual because you aren't actively having sex?

I'm really hoping you guys can work on the foundation of your relationship, we've been doing the same for a few years now and are still working on it. If people want to pooh pooh the idea that a relationship can be important enough to put aside other things to work on, well that's their deal. You know what is important to you.

There is a ton of damage, and it has to be repaired. We are not even at the point of talking in detail every day. Small talk, yes, but in-depth conversations? Not yet. We are in counselling and working on communication. He does not trust me enough to open up very much.

Matt is not used to me being around day in and day out or me being home at night and still being there in the morning, so it is unusual for him. I am giving him all the time he needs. I think he is afraid to get too comfortable with this arrangement because he thinks there may be a chance of me finding someone else. That was what happened in the beginning. It was just us for a year, and then I met someone. This requires trust. Trust that is a work in progress.

I am having to fit him back into my life in the parts he was not involved in and vice versa. He was not part of my date nights, so for the time being, he is still doing whatever it was he did on those nights. People encourage the mono partners in a polyship to seek hobbies and everything else, and he did. I do not expect him to give up those things. There are nights that we sleep apart. This was one of the things that he asked for. This stems him from not wanting to get too comfortable with how it is now. It reminds me of getting your hopes up, and then having them dashed. If you keep your hopes at an attainable level, the fall from the let down may not hurt as bad. Life as it once was and life as it is now have to be integrated into one, and it is not easy. We are both wondering whether or not this time away is going to help or cause more damage. I believe it could do both if not handled the right way.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
No, I am not actively practising. No, I am not seeking the next relationship. Hell, I am not even sure I want another one anytime soon or ever. I have to fix my marriage before I do anything, and that is going to take a long time. We are having to rebuild it and start over from scratch. We barely have the foundation..............

Everything blew straight to hell weeks ago. For the time being, I am not able to practise poly................

What I do not like is being told that because I am not balancing numerous relationships that I have no connection to poly. Whoa. Bring that back around. A 12 year relationship and 17.5 years of practise are irrelevant because I had to change some things to give my marriage a fighting chance? ..........................

Why am I being shunned by hardcore believers of poly?

I am not being embraced by the mono bunch either. Why is that? To someone eyeing that door, that information is important.

I don't think you should be shunned by either (which is why so many of us are up in arms on your behalf).

You are doing exactly what we spend HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS telling people ON THIS BOARD.
"don't start a new relationship while the one (or two or whatever) are in crisis"
"fix the issues in the current situation first"
"take time to grieve before adding someone else to the mix"
etc etc etc

I think it's astonishingly sad (and misinformed) that anyone at all suggested anything negative about you taking a time out AND
I think it's imperative that we consider on a broad scale-this sort of "you are out because you don't fit the tight restraints of our definition" is exactly what creates so much segregation, anxst, depression, suicidal feelings etc in our world.

Sigh.

I think you are making a very solid choice and many of us have said-and continue to say-we appreciate you continuing to share HERE and anywhere else. Please don't stop on account of a few misguided interpretations. Keep talking.
 

hyperskeptic

New member
I don't think you should be shunned by either (which is why so many of us are up in arms on your behalf).

You are doing exactly what we spend HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS telling people ON THIS BOARD.
"don't start a new relationship while the one (or two or whatever) are in crisis"
"fix the issues in the current situation first"
"take time to grieve before adding someone else to the mix"
etc etc etc

. . .

I think you are making a very solid choice and many of us have said-and continue to say-we appreciate you continuing to share HERE and anywhere else. Please don't stop on account of a few misguided interpretations. Keep talking.

Yes, please keep writing about your own experience, without contorting yourself or your words always to be overtly about poly. Just write about your experiences as you struggle to have an intentional relationship with Matt, for as long as you think engagement with poly folk will be helpful to you. I have made the point elsewhere that your experiences could be instructive to many on this board.

More than that, I would argue that you and Matt have become part of the community here, at least as much as anyone else is part of the community. To that extent, your struggles and (eventual) triumphs matter.
 

Somegeezer

New member
Your story is relevant to someone.

This is your personal space here on the site, and I hope you are not dissuaded from sharing your life with us all.
 

FullofLove1052

New member
I don't think you should be shunned by either (which is why so many of us are up in arms on your behalf).

You are doing exactly what we spend HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS telling people ON THIS BOARD.
"don't start a new relationship while the one (or two or whatever) are in crisis"
"fix the issues in the current situation first"
"take time to grieve before adding someone else to the mix"
etc etc etc

I think it's astonishingly sad (and misinformed) that anyone at all suggested anything negative about you taking a time out AND
I think it's imperative that we consider on a broad scale-this sort of "you are out because you don't fit the tight restraints of our definition" is exactly what creates so much segregation, anxst, depression, suicidal feelings etc in our world.

Sigh.

I think you are making a very solid choice and many of us have said-and continue to say-we appreciate you continuing to share HERE and anywhere else. Please don't stop on account of a few misguided interpretations. Keep talking.

It is not really anyone here. I have severed more ties in my personal life in one week than I half in all my years of living. All I can tell them is I am sorry my new dynamic does not mirror their idea of what is "right." It is what is right for me and what I have to do right now.

From some mono people, apparently I am flighty and bouncing in between two teams. I am encountering stupidity and ignorance beyond belief, which is why I said forget a label. Apparently, I am not mono because I am still poly at heart. I am not poly because I am not in more than one relationship or seeking another. I am suspended in the air and hovering in between the two. Is there even a label for that? I cannot call it mono by choice because society insists monogamy is normal and not a choice. I will stick to no label.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
From some mono people, apparently I am flighty and bouncing in between two teams. I am encountering stupidity and ignorance beyond belief, which is why I said forget a label. Apparently, I am not mono because I am still poly at heart. I am not poly because I am not in more than one relationship or seeking another. I am suspended in the air and hovering in between the two. Is there even a label for that? I cannot call it mono by choice because society insists monogamy is normal and not a choice. I will stick to no label.

Yep-sounds like my example regarding bisexuality. :(
I'm sorry people are being that way-it just sucks!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I think right now, you are of the frame of mind that you don't object in theory to having an additional romantic relationship; however, in practice you have decided that sticking to just one romantic relationship is what you want, and the right thing to do. It is of great importance that a person's time and energy are finite (even while a person's capacity to love is infinite). Sometimes poly people (poly in theory, by "orientation" or "identification," or poly in practice, poly by number of partners and life situation) forget how important it is that one's time and energy have limits. No matter how many partners someone has, there is always a point where you'd have to say, "Shew! I have too many partners. I can't juggle it all." Sometimes two partners is too many. That's the situation you've found yourself in (and I respect that).

Sometimes I think poly people dislike the idea of a "poly community" because the idea can be abused and the community can become like a club, where (in addition to knowing the secret handshake, ahem) you "don't belong" if you don't "fit the definition of poly." I abhor that misuse of the word "community." The poly community I want us to have is one in which anyone who wants to belong -- who needs to belong -- can. Of course I'm in favor of barring people who only want to "join" in order to conduct a spam campaign, but that's quite off-topic from your situation.

If we need you to "qualify as poly," I think we can easily do so because you spent so many years living in a poly situation (the best way you knew how at the time), and because your heart and mind are open to poly as a concept. But I'd rather we didn't require you to "qualify." You have been with us on this site for some time, and posted many posts, and I for one have taken a liking to you and would not want to see you go -- least of all because you didn't feel accepted here or because you felt that you didn't qualify to "wear the club label." I am sorry to hear that some of the people you know locally have given you a bad time about your decisions. Your decisions seem sound enough to me.

Personally, I think your story is of great value to this forum (besides your value here as a person). You have experienced a situation in which a poly life needs to be set aside, and you have articulated the reasons for that change. I think it is important for people to know what they're getting into when they choose a poly life, and what they may be giving up. You have gave us a valuable example of that information. I think many people will be helped in their personal lives because of reading this thread. Even if they choose to have two or more partners, they'll at least be advised of some of the pitfalls.

I also find it a relevant topic to post: "What happens if you have to back to a monogamous life?" That is a question that many polyamorists have had to face, and many more will have to face. This thread lets them know that they're not alone, and gives them valuable food for thought.

So, by just about any measurement, I find your presence here valid and important, and I hope you will feel that you have some freedom to speak what is on your mind, and what is going on in your life. To me you will always "qualify as a polyamorist," because it will always fill a big part of the book of your life. But sometimes a person can be polyamorous and monogamous as well. They can be polyamorous in that their mind is open to that way of living, and simultaneously monogamous because they happen to be sharing their current life with just one partner. No need to wear either label, but you could legitimately wear both if you wanted, as far as I'm concerned.

In general, I just want to thank you for starting this thread and sticking to this thread. I know you have a lot on your plate and the time you take to write here is time taken out of your limited schedule of your own free will. I even want to say thank you to Matt for not begrudging you the time to write here. Reading this thread has helped me. It has given me a lot of food for thought, and put polyamory in a new light and perspective for me.

I look forward to your future posts, and wish you well in the very big move you're scheduled to take across the globe. You will be building a whole new life from scratch. All the people you knew locally will be far away. I am lucky to be able to look forward to continued association with you, even though we do live and will live far away from each other. That's part of the miracle of the internet, but the miracle only works if people are willing and able to work with each other, and welcome each other.

I feel bad for the pain all three of you have been through: you, Matt, and Si (and even the kids have been affected by it). I think all three of you have had your own ways of trying to cope with that pain. Some people would take issue with one of you and say, "That's not the way to deal with it!" But I think we'd all be dysfunctional in our various ways when faced with that kind of pressure. Si's reaction has been to withdraw and pull away. It is within her rights to make that choice, after all it is her life. The only thing I wish she'd do is explain things to the kids a little. But now just isn't a time when she has it in her heart to do that, so I won't complain. At the same time, it does put you in a bad position where you have to answer the kids' questions that Si isn't willing to answer. You just answer as best you can, and move on with life.

Don't mean to hog the space on your thread, just wanted to let you know that you have my vote of support.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

FullofLove1052

New member
The First Awkward Run-In

Quick update. I am off to Bali for my best friend's wedding festivities, and my ex is in the bridal party, too. When we booked this trip months ago, obviously we were still together. Since we booked at the same time, our suites are next to each other.

We have had no communication, so I was unsure of whether or not she was still going. I am the matron of honour, so I have to be there. So I am sitting in here waiting to board my first flight, and guess who walks in? Si. It has been dead silent between us since she walked in. I cannot tell you how awkward this is going to be, and if it was not going to cost me an arm, a leg, and several body parts to change it, I would, but once my headphones are in, I can get in my zone. I keep looking at the time like, "Please let it be time to board NOW." 12.5 (+/-) hours to Changi. An hour layover. And another 2 hours to Denpasar. It is going to be a long time coming to get us to Wednesday night. Who knows? Things may be less tense in the air. I hope so.

It is all about my friend from the moment I touch down. Wish me luck!

Best,

Ry
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Luck is wished to you. I hope things go great in Bali, and that it won't be disrupted by the situation with Si. Wouldn't it be nice if she would talk to you a little, but perhaps she's not ready to do that yet. Sigh ...
 

FullofLove1052

New member
I have never been so happy to get off a flight. The announcement of pending descent woke me up and gave me a second wind. We did not say one word to one another during either flight. The real test is going to be sharing a villa for the next few days.

I am more than willing to be civil. Our friends are aware of the situation, so I know there will be no problems or the chance for drama to happen. It is not about us.

I am blogging from the car and my phablet, so excuse any typos or autocorrect issues.

-Ry
 

FullofLove1052

New member
I do not object, but I cannot definitively say that it is something I just absolutely must do to maintain my happiness. I am realising that I can be happy with one person. I am not in the position to put a time frame on that. That is what is confusing people. I do not feel that anything is lacking in my life or that I need something more. I do not expect to feel that way this soon. I just ended a long-term relationship, so no, I am not in the mindset of being ready to date again. It has not even hit the 14 day mark, yet. I am poly in theory/identification, but mono in practise for the time being. Realistically, I just did not have the time to fight for my relationship and marriage. One or the other was going to get a bum deal. When I decided to end it, the relationship was the bum deal. All the pulling away, the not talking to me, and the overall stress. It had to end. I am sorry that it did, but I knew my limit was spilling over.

I prefer not to qualify. I cannot say when or if I will be ready to take on another relationship. It could be six months, or it could be six years. It could be never. And thank you. I have taken a liking to you as well, and I love reading your posts. Always interesting. People around me are ridiculous, and I do not feel bad about cutting them out of my life.

I think a lot of people are optimistic, and I am to a certain degree. I just choose not to paint the beautiful masterpiece of perfection because it does not exist. If that were the case, we would not have hundreds and hundreds of threads about problems happening and such. People need to know what they are getting into. My situation is a perfect example. I risked and lost quite a bit, and I never really realised it until it was almost too late. Now, I am doing damage control. It is not all rainbows and lollipops.

This transition has not been easy by any stretch. It is one major adjustment. For 17.5 years, poly has been all that I have practised and believed in. Even if it was just me and one person for a given amount of time, we knew it was probably not going to be like that forever, so that expectation or standard was never set. Now, I am having to make amendments and adjust accordingly to my new dynamic. It is major work to undo what has been in motion for more than half of my life. It is a daily struggle, and I do not see it getting any easier. Especially once the grief stage of my relationship ending is over. Who know how I will feel then? I see why Matt is not wanting to get comfortable with this arrangement.

Writing here has been a form of therapy, and it has helped. I cannot say I have any friends who have walked this path, so they are understanding some of it but not all of it. They respect it, and most agree that it was the right decision to make.

Thank you. I always have a lot on my plate. I am a busy bee 24/7. I am being forced to relax the next few days. I am under strict orders from my husband and best friend. Stress is not welcome. I was told to leave it where it was and empty my mind. I am not allowed to work on anything work related. My children are with Matt. (He is too much like George Lopez with his, "I got this," statement.) No telling what I will return home to. I foresee our little artist of a son colouring on the walls like it's his personal canvas. I am to have fun, sip fruity cocktails, go dancing, do yoga, visit a spa to be pampered, be one with nature, read a book, enjoy some time alone, and enjoy the wedding festivities. I can handle that. :)

Thank you. I am looking forward to a new beginning and a new chapter in this novel of life.

I wish all the pain could have been avoided, but we all have to learn from this and grow. My way of coping has been to correct my mistakes and work on one relationship at a time. Si's way was pulling away and shutting me out. Matt needed time alone. That time helped him, and he came back with a fresh perspective and an open mind.

In due time, Si and I might be able to talk or even get back together. Who really knows? Now just might not be the time for us. I still love her. Love is one of those lovely things that is not like a light switch, so you cannot switch it on and off. In the mean time, I am just taking it day by day. I do wish that she would talk my children. I would not want them to think it is anything they did. I have tried to explain it to them as best I could. The oldest is just accustomed to her always being around, and now, she is not seeing her at all. She picked up on it immediately and started asking questions, as I would expect from a very inquisitive and curious child.

Thank you for the vote of support. :D
 

FullofLove1052

New member
Hey, while you're in Bali, maybe you can change suites so you and she are not next to each other. Is Matt not with you on this trip (just wondering)?

Matt is at home with our children. I was not too fond of the idea of them being on such long-haul flights in such a close range.

I have already changed the return trip, so that we will not be on the same flights again. A perfect stranger picked up on the tension between us during the first flight. We were just making small talk. He asked if it was a lovers quarrel? That made me think, "Is it that obvious?" The reverse to people picking up on chemistry even when a couple are not showing PDA and/or the relationship between the two is not known.

We still have to share a villa because the resort is where the wedding is. We are in the bridal party, and we need to be here. I can deal with that. There are two bedrooms and plenty of space, so we can keep contact to a minimum. The rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and the hen do are tomorrow night. The bride adjusted the seating arrangement, so we are not sitting next to each other. The wedding is Friday afternoon. Departure breakfast on Saturday with the newlyweds. Then, home bound. As long as my attention stays on the agenda and remembering why we are here, it should be fairly easy. :)
 

FullofLove1052

New member
No Monkeying Around

Let it be known. I am NOT one with nature, and I need warnings. I stepped outside. The resort is absolutely breathtaking and peaceful. I wanted to admire it. The Indian Ocean is the backdrop. Who is going to complain about that? I opened the door, and we had a visitor. A monkey. It was just like relaxing on the table. I screamed out, "Sweet baby Jesus." Where did that even come from? Naturally, it caught Si's attention. It broke the ice barrier between, so I will not complain. We laughed until tears started falling. Then, she showed me the note that explains about the monkeys! If only I had seen that two hours ago. I might need to go to bed. I was video chatting my daughter because I was not tired, but after the monkey business, I might need to call it a night. Thursday is off to a funny start. I am afraid to see what else might come out of hiding!
 

YouAreHere

Well-known member
... after the monkey business, I might need to call it a night.

Well, now we know the origin of THAT phrase! ;)

Glad the "monkey business" helped to release the tension a bit. Hoping all goes well at the wedding, and I'm glad you're enjoying yourself!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Just think, that monkey is like a little hero of sorts, and he doesn't even know it. :)

Glad to hear things are a bit more relaxed.
 

FullofLove1052

New member
A cute little hero in the form of a fur ball. Another one is hanging outside right now. They must like us.

It is much more relaxed. Morning yoga and we are grabbing breakfast together. I am happy to see her smiling. I know the past month has been hard on her. Regardless as to how things are now, I do want her to be happy and stress free. I do still love her to pieces. This trip may be exactly what was needed. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds pretty hopeful so far.
 

FullofLove1052

New member
To Be Out or Stay In?

This came about over a discussion an couple of hours ago over dinner. The question posed was if I had it to do all over again, would I out myself as poly? It made me think.

I was always out, but it was only because I never wanted Si to feel left out or awkward. I love her, and she was not my dirty little secret.

It was not well received by my in-laws. My MIL never approved of my girlfriend, blackballed her from family events, and excluded her. She called my ex, Matt's "visible replacement." Si was not met with warmth, and since she was the matriarch, everyone followed suit. My ex was not allowed to attend weddings, reunions, family dinners, holidays, or anything. I felt terrible about it because it was unfair, and it caused my husband to be at war with his family. Matt chose to defend me and my beliefs, and it did not sit well at all. He sacrificed his relationships with his family for me. It took years for them to be rebuilt, and I feel terrible about that. You only get one mother in this life, and he was always close to his mum. I saw how it hurt him to be at odds with her. It was only after all of this drama that I realised just how much it had really hurt him.

My own family was not immediately accepting. My mum was rather disappointed and reiterated that she did not raise me to break my vows and not honour my marriage. It took her awhile, but she embraced my ex like one of her own children. She did not understand it, so it was hard for her to accept. My daddy really had no opinion one way or the other. He still just kind of shrugs it off and just said that she was a nice and respectable lady. I cannot say how he feels about my ex. I do not know. He loves Matt and calls him son. They bond over sports and things.

My ex's family suspected something was up and just asked, but they supported her decision and only wanted her to be happy. There were no issues on that end. Her parents are the third set of grandparents for my children, and they were at the hospital when they were both born. I love them to pieces. MIL #2 loves me. She brought me homemade soup and took care me of the other day. She was not going to take my sickness as a reason for not seeing her grandchildren. We had a nice little chat about Si. She believes we will get back together. Secretly, I hope so. She called her a stubborn mule. (Si is very stubborn.)

If I had to do it again, I would probably not tell. Looking back, it was just not worth some of the heartache and damage it caused. I can be proud, but I would skip the fanfare and tell people only if it came up.

Speaking of Si, we spent most of the day together. It was definitely relaxed. Our friends must have conspired to make sure we had time alone. How convenient is it that we are in one of the most romantic places? I believe they are trying to get us back together. The tension is significantly less. It was nice to talk to her and get a feel for what she has been thinking and feeling. I managed to get an "I miss you" and "I still love you." My bestie has low-key banned me from drinking any alcohol at the reception. Her reason: "You two are not having drunken make-up sex on my tab. Tequila is not going to make your clothes fall off." I love that woman! :D

Off to get ready for the hen do. Debauchery, shenanigans, and fun times with friends. My kind of night. We cannot be the female version the Hangover, though!
 
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