Happy Tuesday...
Today was a pretty good day. My MIL called me. I have been married to Matt since 2002, and she has never called me. After our little chat before we left, she now makes a special point to call me every day. Now, that I am getting to know her, she is not that bad. My beliefs clashed terribly with hers, and they still do. After 11 years, I am no longer just that silly little twit.
In all seriousness, I have a new dynamic to consider when making a final decision.
My MIL may not have been able to stand me, but I know she loves my children and would never say anything ill about me in front of them. She stores it in her memory bank and says it directly to me. For the longest, I was that
Silly
Little
Ungrateful
Twit. Notice what the acronym spells: S.L.U.T. The only reason she likes me now is because my ex is out of the picture, and she thinks I am finally learning how to treat Matt right. She made no secret that she is hoping and wishing that it is permanent. (The woman sent me a massive floral arrangement the day after my relationship ended. That says it all.)
I am happy that she and I finally talked. I forgave her a long time ago. I have no ill feelings against her. She is who she is, and she owns it. I hope that we can continue getting closer and building a proper relationship. One that is not laced with poison and slowly killing both of us.
All those years of Matt being in between the two women he loved took one hell of a toll. I felt and still do actually feel bad that he sided with me. Matt is very faith and religiously bound, so he firmly believes in honouring thy mother and father. Where it caused a problem was leaving one's mother and clinging to the wife. He did that. He never talks about it, but as close as he was to his mother, losing her all that time was probably like a slow, painful death. There was no communication. I appreciate him defending me and doing that, but I would not want to put him through that again. Realistically, if I tell her that I am back with my ex or any variation of that, I have already read ahead and know what the next chapters will cover.
There is a new chapter that remains unwritten: children. I did not have a relationship with my maternal grandfather until he was on his death bed. He had been given mere months to live, and I only forged a relationship with him because I worked at the hospital. He succumbed to a lethal combination of throat and lung cancer days after my birthday, and the worst part of all is I was pregnant with my daughter. She never got to meet him. As long as their grandparents are alive and well, I am not going to do anything to stop them from having relationships with them.
My daughter loves her grandmother. She was clinging to her like cling film on a wet cantaloupe. She talks to her every day, and Matt usually lets her video chat with her, too. Despite the distance, she knew who she was. She has made no secret of her disapproval and utter dislike of how I was living my life. I have read it on here time and time again. "If your family/loved ones have a problem with how you are living your life, or if they choose to remove themselves from your life, the problem is with them." Am I supposed to tell my child, "No more going around Grandma Lia because she does not like how mummy lives?" I have to take that in to consideration. My child is not going to lose someone she loves because of my choices, and I do not want Matt to lose his relationship with her again. I have my mother, and I am sure he wanted to have his, too. Sad to think that my choices got in the way of that.
Things with Matt are going well. We are talking more. He is actually opening up to me and letting me into some of his innermost thoughts. It is a constant work in progress. We are getting back to our old relationship style of discussing and not arguing. For the past three months, we have done some arguing. Now, we talk things out with cool heads and sometimes just agree to disagree or reconvene at a later time, if it is a minor thing.
Outside of the poly/marriage thing, we are preparing to move. Last couple of weeks here. Our shipments are already there and in quarantine. That weeks 2-3 weeks, so by the time we get there, we will be able to move in. We have a removals agency helping to facilitate the processes, so it has reduced the stress significantly. Our house is pretty much done. They were adding the final touches. 13 months of renovations. It looks like a completely different house. My advice to anyone renovating: hire a project management team, stay in contact, ask for weekly updates, ask for references, and make sure you can deal with the people. In the 13 months we have been doing this, we have had zero problems. They sent e-mails and called if there was any difference in prices originally forecasted. One day it was maybe $50 AUD difference, and they called to make sure it was okay. If it was 500 or 5k, I would care. We are under budget and ahead of schedule. The team said, it was going to take about 12.5 months. They left a bit of a cushion for weather issues, shipment delays, and any issues. I am just happy it is almost done, and I am even more that we will have help unpacking and moving in. One less thing for us to have to worry about.
I actually was with Si for awhile tonight. I was helping her pack and figure out what to donate to charity and give away. She is giving away everything but personal items. In her case, it is more cost effective to buy everything there. For us, it was more cost effective to hire an int'l removals agency and do it that way. We had enough on our plates.
Poly is not back on the table. If it is, it might be at .00001%. It is slim. It is 200% on his terms. His extended generosity and level of comfort equates to about 8 hrs/week with my ex, and that 8 hour span is when he will be working overnight. I actually sent the list to someone else, and right off, they noticed that logistically, it makes sense and is reasonable, due to all the circumstances. Emotionally, it is lower than a secondary and tertiary. He asked me if it was possible that Matt was giving me a test because if so, it is a guaranteed way for me to fail.
I am not even mad at the list. This is some of the things. It was asked what he would need to consider it or be comfortable. He needs her out of sight and out of his mind. I phrased it like a woman's biological clock. She is that noisy little reminder that monogamy is not possible. If their lives never intersect outside of a controlled environment, guess what? That clock is damn near silenced. In other words, the two lives cannot and will not cross unless it is discussed and mutually agreed upon. He does not want to be out after we move. He does not want our children exposed to poly. No PDA in front of our daughter. He is only comfortable with one overnight. He wants her to stay out of parenting. He has no problem with her coming over, but she must call or text before. He wants one hour with me after our children go to bed and before I leave for this overnight, and one hour of uninterrupted time with me the following morning. He wants weekly check-ins via Tango, Skype, in person, e-mail, and schedule exchanges. He does not want any more last minute arrangements. If it must be last minute, no less than 72 hours notice. With family holiday plans, it must be discussed. No more asking if she can come along in the eleventh hour. He insists on protected sex. The list goes on. When I read the complete list back to him, the first question in my mind was, is it even worth it? What are the consequences if any of these boundaries are stepped over accidentally? I need to ask him that. It literally just crossed my mind.
I am proud of the progress we have. I am glad we are in a healthier place and healing little by little. Our love is definitely stronger. We have an excellent therapist on our team. She challenges us on an intellectual level and makes us do much more than just scratch the surface and get by with mediocrity. Life is cool right now. We are enjoying the last couple of weeks here and looking forward to the future. Things are actually peaceful. As peaceful as having two small children allows.
I am off to make a frozen yoghurt run. It is barely 10 and everything in here is sleeping peacefully. Snog is calling my name.
TL;DR: I stand to lose more than I could ever possibly gain, if I attempt poly again. My reality, huh?
