Wife thinks that I am neglecting her in favour of my secondary. She's right.

Nothing at all to be sorry about. Apology completely unnecessary.

I've got a few friends that are cops and they have enlightened me on the disparity between fictional world and actual criminal forensics. I was thinking in terms of an occupational exposure, some training, but more of a OJT type thing, people getting caught and trying to lie their way out all day everyday.

Car salespeople are really good at reading people, I think. I'm not comparing the two, just an observation on how people interact.

Does your gf have a husband or additional partners?

How were the holidays for everyone?

Did your wife have a specific plan or solution in mind when she voiced her unhappiness in this shift or switcheroo?
 
dingedheart said:
Car salespeople are really good at reading people, I think. I'm not comparing the two, just an observation on how people interact.

Does your gf have a husband or additional partners?

How were the holidays for everyone?

Did your wife have a specific plan or solution in mind when she voiced her unhappiness in this shift or switcheroo?
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I know that car salespeople are skilled at psychological manipulation. You could say that they are good at reading people. They throw out some bait and observe their customer's reaction. Sort of the same way that mediums work, also how officers work when they are interviewing perps. Get somebody with a psych major to watch "Cops".

Gf is only seeing me.

Holidays were great. My wife has a thing for public holidays (but who doesn't?) so she's in a better mood. Gf went to see her extended family. Daughter is worrying about her exam results.

My wife's plan was that we attempt reconciliation, in the same way that we attempted reconciliation when we first started polyamory.
 
Hi Kinda :)

I'm sad for you. I wonder if your wife is regretting some things now?

Our poly journey started with me falling in love with our neighbor and downplaying it -- i.e., lying. I did confess everything, which led us to try poly. But I believe that, like you, my husband never got over the pain of me cheating. He got a girlfriend about 6 months after we opened the marriage, and then HE started lying to ME.

He feels justified in everything he does now. He downplays his relationship with her, although he is treating me as a total secondary (if that) and took his relationship with her farther than it was ever expected to go. He met her parents after only about a week, and he sent pictures of her and her kids to his mother!

Well, this is my story, but I can only speak from my own experience.

I find it admirable that at least you are being upfront about your feelings now, and admitting your girlfriend's emotional well-being trumps your wife's. Wouldn't it really be better for your daughter if you both had authentic relationships and quit propping up the wounded thing that is your marriage? It's no crime to move on.

I thoroughly understand the economics of your situation. Ours is dire too. But it's not worth the emotional expense of staying in a broken marriage. I'm looking for a way out, myself.

I commend you for coming here and owning up to your feelings and actions. That takes courage. You sound like a man of integrity. Show your daughter sometimes the respectable thing to do is admit when it's time to make a healthy change. You all deserve respect. I don't see much hope for that if you continue on living as you are.
 
Carma said:
Hi Kinda :)

I'm sad for you. I wonder if your wife is regretting some things now?? Our poly journey started with me falling in love with our neighbor and downplaying it -- i.e lying. I did confess everything, which led us to try poly. But I believe that, like you, my husband never got over the pain of me cheating. He got a girlfriend about 6 months after we opened the marriage and then HE started lying to ME. He feels justified in everything he does now. He downplays his relationship with her, although he is treating me as a total secondary (if that) and took his relationship with her farther than it was ever expected to go. He met her parents after only about a week, and he sent pictures of her and her kids to his mother! Well this is my story, but I can only speak from my own experience. I find it admirable that at least you are being upfront about your feelings now and admitting your girlfriend's emotional well being trumps your wife's. Wouldn't it really be better for your daughter if you both had authentic relationships and quit propping up the wounded thing that is your marriage?? It's no crime to move on.

I thoroughly understand the economics of your situation. Ours is dire too. But it's not worth the emotional expense of staying in a broken marriage. I'm looking for a way out, myself.

I commend you for coming here and owning up to your feelings and actions. That takes courage. You sound like a man of integrity. Show your daughter sometimes the respectable thing to do is admit when it's time to make a healthy change. You all deserve respect. I don't see much hope for that if you continue on living as you are.
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Nah, no need to be sad. Our marriage is what it is. I've accepted it. I'm making the best of my situation. Sorta wish my wife would do the same.

See, your husband's behaviour is why I'm trying to avoid being passive-aggressive. It's not constructive and it makes you look like a petulant kid. At least being openly aggressive allows you to set your boundaries and makes the issues crystal clear. 'Course, ideally you'd want to skip the aggressive part in the first place.

As for divorce, the general consensus here is that you divorce when the marriage gets into the state that ours is in. My wife and I are being pragmatic here. We just don't have the money to support two homes. We barely have enough to feed three mouths. If we did divorce, our quality of life would go down the crapper.

Sure, if my wife had her old well-paying job back, we'd make it official. But she's working in retail now. Cops? Most cops don't exactly get paid a fortune. Even the dirty cops here are rarely brave/stupid enough to take cash bribes.

To me, you don't need to divorce to end the marriage.

Besides, we still have a little bit of juice left. Is there anything "special" that you and your husband used to do when you were in love, when things were at their best? My wife and I still go hiking together, especially around where we first met. There are a couple of cabins over there with some very soft beds. Still some sentimentality left.
 
Quick question, do you tend to be a glass half-full, or glass half-empty kind of person?

This is different than asking if someone is a pessimist or an optimist.
 
To SG

How is the glass half full or half empty different from being an optimist or pessimist? I'm curious because, to me, that the glass perception thing is useful to indicate if one leans to pessimist or optimist.
 
Opal, in one instance, you ask for a person`s outlook. In the other, you ask for them to label themselves, and look inward. They are one and the same to most people. To me, there is a difference.
 
The real questions are: what's in the glass, and how many have you had before? A nice wine or cheap vodka? How much ice is required?

Yep, guess what I'm about to do! Drinking and hockey games, they just go together. Can't wait to see how this turns out.
 
KindaPOd said:
Oooh. Clever.
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Shhhh. 'Nuff of that. I`m just a dumbass cowgirl. Next I`ll be dazzling y'all with my ability ta count ta 5!

But not right now. Gonna go drink me sum moonshine with DH. Yup, yup. He has to drown his sorrows in a loss, and I have to celebrate mine.

<cue mild giggling>
 
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SourGirl said:
Quick question, do you tend to be a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person?

This is different than asking if someone is a pessimist or an optimist.
Click to expand...

LOL I'm a scientist. Assuming the glass is not in a vacuum, then it's completely full: half full of liquid, half full of gas.

Is that like... uber-optimism? Even the void has potential? Always a silver lining kind of thing? *shrug*

Sorry. I'm being difficult.

Also, I think of optimism/pessimism as being views of how the future will unfold. Optimists think that even when things are rough, they will always get better. Pessimists think that even when things are going well, they will always turn to crap.

Glass half-full/half-empty is more an outlook on the present. E.g., you get fired from your job. Glass half-full outlook is that you didn't really fit with that job anyway, and now you can find something you really like. Glass half-empty is that you're a failure who isn't cut out for anything and now you're screwed because you have no job.
 
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I'm having a hard time feeling sympathetic to your situation, KindaPOd.

It sounds like you want to punish your wife for loving someone else for all these years, and reward your ex-girlfriend-now-primary-girlfriend for pining for you/loving only you for all these years. That's an immature and self-centered approach.

Why don't you care about your wife's feelings? She loved both you and her boyfriend for many years, and tried to make it work with both of you. But you checked out as soon as you had your adoring ex-girlfriend back.

Maybe you should move out so your wife can divorce you?
 
It sounds to me like he's been up front with dislike of the situation and the damage it would do to him with in their dynamic. What some may see as punishment, I see as the natural consequence of a lost connection, more like indifference. Not trying to hurt her, just doesn't really care if it happens as a consequence of this dynamic that she created.

Economic circumstances and a kid preclude divorce as an attractive option.
 
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