Wife wants a one-sided open relationship

[Magdlyn]

I think you missed the subtle point Gala was trying to make in that sex for both of them has been reduced to the function of getting off. And for [the wife], whether it’s totally physical or not, it’s become a lot of work or effort to achieve “the goal“ instead of, say, enjoying/pleasuring each other's bodies.

I don't think we can know from one post if it's all about "getting off" for both of them. Maybe the OP is focused on his quick and efficient porn orgasm, but his wife wants to enjoy him and herself, and pleasure him, as he pleasures her. Their whole sex life could be kicked up a notch, given the motivation to do so. (E.g., maybe she's multi-orgasmic. Maybe he is.)

Totally unfair comment. We have no idea of the family income, and if or how much he spends related to porn.

Sure, they might be billionaires. lol We have a long-term member here whose husband seems well off, but he secretly was siphoning off thousands a month into porn. She wasn't well-pleased when she found out, as it was affecting the family budget planning.

I know OnlyFans, which the OP mentions, is not free. It adds up. It could add to their disconnect, affect their budget, add more stress. I said it was just an aside. I don't think it was "totally unfair" to merely mention it.

But I’ve never heard you express [financial] concerns with dating poly partners. Recently a woman who was in a mono marriage of 10-something yrs came out as poly, booked a secret 2-3 thousand dollar flight halfway around the work to meet a guy she met online. I don’t remember anyone raising concerns about that.

Hmm... I might vaguely remember that post, and might vaguely remember bringing up the expense of flying from the US to NZ? I don't have your photographic memory for past threads... (thinking gif) Oh, yeah, I do recall telling that OP about Evie's LDR between NZ and the US, and how each trip takes months of planning and saving.

Edit: found the thread:

https://polyamory.com/threads/would-you-consider-this-cheating.159489/

And my first reply there was:

Plane tickets from the US to NZ are quite pricey. Did the wife have her own "fun money" account to do with as she pleased?

The OP there replied:

No, she didn’t have her own “fun money” to recklessly spend on what she wanted, especially $2,100 on a plane ticket. Again, this was something she did intentionally behind my back with one of her own personal credit cards she applied for solely for the purpose of flight usage.

And I said:

I'd ask the practical questions about time spent, the money for the ticket and other travel expenses, the childcare. (Just so you know, my co-mod Evie is from NZ and has a long-term partner in the States, and their infrequent trips take months of planning, and saving for, and Evie's husband and her bf's partners are always fully informed about the trips. Maybe she'll see this thread.)

As if more facts would or should make your judgments or speculation more or less valid.

I disagree. I almost always ask more questions before giving answers, so I don't waste my time, or the OP's time, with unhelpful advice.

You always ask more questions, too.

Where did you come up with 8 minutes of intercourse??? The reason the guy hasn’t come back is you called him rude, PITA, lazy, out of shape.

Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing how many minutes of intercourse is too "exhausting" for him, and we have no idea why he hasn't been back. lol I certainly did not say he was rude, lazy, out of shape, or a PITA! We don't allow name-calling on this site (and I'm a mod, so I know the rules). I jokingly said his wife's request was rude, having frequent sex was a PITA, and needing to physically thrust one's penis for X amount, or too many minutes, per day could be exhausting. (The average man thrusts 5.5 minutes before he orgasms, anyway. There's a wide variation from one to thirty minutes.)

That’s probably more than true IF it was romantic, erotic or fun. Being used as a stunt penis on a daily basis over (how much time are we talking here?) clearly has worn thin.

He doesn't want to fuck his "hot" wife. (He just feels obligated to.) He wants to j/o to "hotter" porn actresses. He wants his "hot" wife to get her own OnlyFans and become a porn actress herself. Does this sound common or healthy to you?

I’ve seen that “many men“ number rapidly decrease in newly-transitioned poly relationships, where the mono husband feels like he’s given pity sex out of “fairness,“ OR he’s being used as a stunt dick because wife was texting/sexting lover for the last hr and she needs a release.

Either partner in NRE might have their excitement spill over onto the longer-term partner. Some see this as a benefit of NRE. Some don't.

Same thing, right? “Many guys,“ the perpetually horny, would jump on that and say, "Who cares about motivation or intention?" Until the second or third time… when it stops being fun, or when it’s never your idea. It’s super easy to judge from the cheap seats [and say:] "Buy the blue pills and shut the fuck up."

STFU? Excuse me? Can we tone it down a bit?

(Edit: I was at first confused as to what kind of blue pills you meant. I see you now you meant Viagra, not the Matrix/manosphere-style sedative pill.)

I’m not disagreeing with what you’re saying here, I’m just wondering how you’ve determined porn and male [sic] laziness as the root cause, not an outgrowth of a medical situation with his wife that has spiraled into a daily orgasm ritual.

Oh, I guess it could be a "medical condition," an illness, the aftermath of labial, vaginal, or perineal injury from (too) many births, nerve damage, maybe a drug side effect, that prevents a quick efficient orgasm for her, but most studies have found that most women need 20 minutes to orgasm, including foreplay and then intercourse. We have no idea here. The OP didn't seem that motivated to find out, or help her. Did he?

My speculation is, he goes to a room alone and gets off in minutes with the help of his favorite porn stars. Meanwhile, the wife is busy, on the go, and run down with their "lots of kids," and like many women, would enjoy a regular romantic date night, flirting, kindness, relaxation, followed by a bubble bath perhaps, and then sex.

I've been in the Mommy trenches (as a SAHM and with a parttime job, and "only" three kids, which I wouldn't call "a lot") with a husband who refused to do any housework or cooking when he got home from his job, so I (planned, shopped and) cooked, he got fed, the kids got fed. I cleaned up all the family dishes, swept/vacuumed up the crumbs, wiped down the counters, while he just played with the kids a bit, if he felt like it. He literally never cleaned a floor, didn't know where the Tupperware was to put away leftovers, never washed, dried or put away laundry, scrubbed a toilet, changed the sheets, etc. My sex drive died until our youngest turned 5 years old, and they all became less needy.

So... We both see this situation from our own POVs. I'd be happy to change my mind given more info, as I always am.

My questions would be has she been checked out medically, and/or been referred to sex therapist? Or is this DYI? "I need 26 minutes of hard pounding in a specific position once a day. Thank you for your service!" Yeah, I intentionally upped the minutes. I can speculate too.