Would you consider this cheating?

[MoreThanHate]

Let me paint the picture for you.

My ex-wife and I had a mono-poly relationship for about a year before I divorced her.

She met a guy around December of 2024, and began an online relationship with him not long after. She often left her discord open on the PC in the living room. This is how they communicated.

Against my better judgement, I was walking by, noticed the chat was open, and briefly read just what was on-screen, and did no scrolling. What little information I saw was that she was planning a trip to see him without my knowledge in July. The last message that was sent was “Did you talk to him yet?" And her reply was simply, “Not yet.”

I waited for her to make mention of it. This time frame was February of 2024, and she made no mention of it until mid-April. To which she framed it as though he'd “just” invited her to come see him. He lives in New Zealand btw and we’re in the States.

I immediately called her out on her lie. She asked how I knew and I told her. She was mad at that and completely ignored the fact that she was lying to me.

I told her I was completely uncomfortable with this idea of her traveling internationally to meet some guy she just met. Told her I didn’t think it would be a good idea, and suggested that maybe he were to come here for a visit first, before I become comfortable with this, to which she flat-out said no.

I asked her what she meant by this. She simply said that I have no control in what she wants. I, at no point ever said, "No, you can’t go." "I’m just uncomfortable with you going to visit him first, is all." Again, I offered up some compromise solutions to the situation, none of which were good enough for her.

Little did I know then, she had already purchased her plane ticket back in February when they first talked about it, without my knowledge.

Over the next few months, I kept trying to reason with her, to no avail. As July was rapidly approaching, she asked me about 3 weeks prior to her trip if I was going to divorce her over this when she returned. I simply stated yes.

She blew up, asking why. I gave her a laundry list of reasons as to why I came to the decision. I told her, "I don’t feel like you respect me, our marriage, our family, or yourself, for that matter."

Needless to say, she indeed took her trip, that I didn’t consent to. Not that I said “No, this will never happen.” I just wanted certain things to take place before I felt comfortable enough for her to go.

I feel as though she didn’t respect me, my boundaries, my marriage, and my family. She selfishly chose to do something she knew what would be the end result, and I stuck to my word.

She came back to divorce papers ready. She moved out shortly after returning, about 3 weeks.

I now have our children the majority of the time and she still, to this day, believes she didn’t do anything wrong.

I thought a mono-poly relationship could work with open and honest communication. She couldn’t even do that. I thought, "No way is my wife going to break up a family and 9 years of history together for some guy she knew for like 6 months at the time," and sure enough, that’s exactly what she did.

Would you consider that cheating, regardless of the dynamic of our relationship? Because that’s what I tell people when they ask why I’m no longer with her, because I believe that to be true. And it’s much simpler than trying to tell this story.

What are your thoughts?

 

[XTremeMeow]

Yes, that absolutely counts as cheating. Even in a mono-poly or open relationship, the key is honesty, transparency, and respecting the agreements you set. She hid her intentions, lied about when the trip was planned, and went behind your back to pursue something she knew would hurt your marriage. That’s a breach of trust.

It’s reasonable to feel disrespected, and calling it cheating isn’t an exaggeration, it reflects the betrayal of the trust and boundaries in your relationship. You’re not wrong for seeing it that way

 

[MoreThanHate]

Yes, that absolutely counts as cheating. Even in a mono-poly or open relationship, the key is honesty, transparency, and respecting the agreements you set. She hid her intentions, lied about when the trip was planned, and went behind your back to pursue something she knew would hurt your marriage. That’s a breach of trust.

It’s reasonable to feel disrespected, and calling it cheating isn’t an exaggeration, it reflects the betrayal of the trust and boundaries in your relationship. You’re not wrong for seeing it that way

Thank you!
I genuinely felt as though I was allowing her to manipulate me into thinking that what I was feeling was wrong and she was right.

To make things worse, she’s like actively trying to be friends with me casually and brush off not just the things she did but ignoring an entire history together. Nearly a decade.

I am persistent in maintaining communication only for our children and only want it to be about our children and she still has yet to receive the message.

 

[XTremeMeow]

Wow, she really sounds manipulative. You should be very careful, and not let your guard down. Again, so sorry that this happened to you. If chatting makes you feel better, feel free to chat with me any time. I feel your pain

 

[Tinwen]

My feeling is, the conflict about the trip was a substitute for other conflicts and unmet needs in your marriage. I think this, because it's blown out of proportion from both sides. You could have talked to her right when you saw the message or you could have let her conflict avoidance (telling you late) slide, not let your feelings of resentment grow all bottled up, then sidetrack the discussion about the trip by this issue. She sure as hell should not steamroll all over you by purchasing tickets.
These things most often happen in relationships already in shatters.

 

[XTremeMeow]

My feeling is, the conflict about the trip was a substitute for other conflicts and unmet needs in your marriage. I think this, because it's blown out of proportion from both sides. You could have talked to her right when you saw the message or you cut have let her conflict avoidance (telling you late) slide, not let your feelings of resentment grow all bottled up, then sidetrack the discussion about the trip by this issue. She sure as hell should not steamroll all over you by purchasing tickets.
These things most often happen in relationships already in shatters.

I think it’s fair to say that big blowups usually point to deeper, unresolved issues in a relationship. At the same time, calling this “blown out of proportion” minimizes the impact of secrecy and unilateral decisions. In any relationship dynamic, especially non-traditional ones, transparency and consent are foundational.

Yes, earlier communication might have changed how things unfolded, and conflict avoidance on either side can make things worse. But purchasing international travel in secret and then moving forward despite clear discomfort isn’t just poor communication — it’s a breach of trust. That kind of action can be the final rupture in a relationship that’s already strained, not merely a substitute conflict.

So while it may not be only about the trip, the trip can still be a valid breaking point rather than a distraction from other issues

 

[Tinwen]

It's my take that this last conflict was likely a symptom of unaddressed issues. I don't say it to everyone on the forum, it's really something I feel more strongly with the description at hand than with other stories.
I don't say it isn't a valid breaking point.

To answer more specifically, I don't think it's cheating to go on a trip to visit your other partner if you are in a polyamorous dynamics.
Sadly, we learned nothing about said dynamics, like was it really negotiated? Was it poly under duress? Was it supposed to be hierarchical? I can't tell whether she was breaking any explicit poly agreements by deciding to go on the trip.

I do think not telling your husband about planning a trip is rude at the very least, and not telling them about plane tickets is a lie of omission. I have no idea about her reasons. Sure, you can say they don't matter, done is done and wrong is wrong. But they are part of the deeper story.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am curious about the deeper dynamics here too. Why did the OP and his wife open their relationship?
Who still posts on a shared PC in the living room and leaves the page open nowadays? Are we in 2004?
Did she want to be caught? Was it a test?
If this couple has kids, who was going to share in their care while the wife traveled to the other side of the world?
Plane tickets from the US to NZ are quite pricey. Did the wife have her own "fun money" account to do with as she pleased?
Why didn't the OP bring this up to her the moment he read it, instead of holding it inside for two months?

 

[XTremeMeow]

It's my take that this last conflict was likely a symptom of unaddressed issues. I don't say it to everyone on the forum, it's really something I feel more strongly with the description at hand than with other stories.
I don't say it isn't a valid breaking point.

To answer more specifically, I don't think it's cheating to go on a trip to visit your other partner if you are in a polyamorous dynamics.
Sadly, we learned nothing about said dynamics, like was it really negotiated? Was it poly under duress? Was it supposed to be hierarchical? I can't tell whether she was breaking any explicit poly agreements by deciding to go on the trip.

I do think not telling your husband about planning a trip is rude at the very least, and not telling them about plane tickets is a lie of omission. I have no idea about her reasons. Sure, you can say they don't matter, done is done and wrong is wrong. But they are part of the deeper story.

You make really good points, and I appreciate how carefully and thoughtfully you’re approaching this. I agree with you that the last conflict looks more like a symptom of deeper, unaddressed issues rather than the sole cause, and I think that nuance matters.

I also think you’re right that simply visiting another partner isn’t cheating in a polyamorous dynamic by default. Without knowing how explicitly negotiated the agreements were, whether it was hierarchical, or whether there was any element of poly under duress, it’s hard to definitively say what lines were crossed in “poly terms.”

Where I do think your framing is especially strong is around the lie of omission and the lack of transparency. Even if the reasons behind it are complex or rooted in fear or avoidance, not disclosing plans and tickets clearly undermines trust, regardless of labels. That’s often where the real rupture happens.

I’m hoping the husband is able to come to a clearer understanding of that bigger picture over time, not necessarily to excuse what happened, but to see how the deeper dynamics contributed to the outcome

 

[MoreThanHate]

I am curious about the deeper dynamics here too. Why did the OP and his wife open their relationship?
Who still posts on a shared PC in the living room and leaves the page open nowadays? Are we in 2004?
Did she want to be caught? Was it a test?
If this couple has kids, who was going to share in their care while the wife traveled to the other side of the world?
Plane tickets from the US to NZ are quite pricey. Did the wife have her own "fun money" account to do with as she pleased?
Why didn't the OP bring this up to her the moment he read it, instead of holding it inside for two months?

Well it’s wasn’t an “open relationship”
She waited 6-7 years into a marriage to suddenly decide she’s “poly” or she believes she’s poly and this is something in her life she wanted to explore more.

I’m an open minded person and wasn’t initially against it and immediately stated there needs to be heavy communication and boundaries in place before anything were to happen.

Poly is something I believe should be talked about in the talking/dating phase, not 6 years, two kids and a mortgage later.

It’s not a shared PC, we have a small two bed, one bath house and that was the best place to put it. It was her gaming PC and I never used it.

Child care was something that was never discussed, she just assumed I would take care of it and figure it out myself.

No, she didn’t have her own “fun money” to recklessly spend on what she wanted, especially $2,100 on a plane ticket. Again, this was something she did intentionally behind my back with one of her own personal credit cards she applied for solely for the purpose of flight usage.

Does it matter why I didn’t immediately bring it up?
Was it wrong of me to assume there was no way she’d make such a huge decision (at the time) without talking to me?

Yes, our marriage at this point was kind of strained a bit but I just assumed it would’ve been easier posting the “straw that broke the camels back.” For me instead of going through a ton of, I think, needless information when all I asked was a question pertaining to that very scenario.

I was seeking advice from people who maybe had a better, healthier poly dynamic to their marriage to see their thoughts on it.

Several of our mutual friends we’ve shared over the years, her coworkers, her own mother and her sisters already have her written off.

I just wanted some insight from someone in the poly community to weigh in. It seems she’s the only person who doesn’t see the wrong in any of her actions.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm not sure what your actual agreements were.

But none of this is kind, loving, or respectful behavior. I can totally see why you'd divorce.

To make things worse, she’s like actively trying to be friends with me casually and brush off not just the things she did but ignoring an entire history together. Nearly a decade.

That's pretty weird. I can see trying to be decent coparents for the sake of the kids, but you two are not friends. There hasn't been any apologies, repair, or anything from the sound of it. Certainly not enough time since the divorce.

At best, this would be like "neutral coworkers, all business." And the business is the coparenting stuff.

I am persistent in maintaining communication only for our children and only want it to be about our children and she still has yet to receive the message.

How does she treat the children? Ok?

If you weren't persistent about maintaining communication, what would happen?

What's "persistent" even mean? Daily? Weekly? Something else? Is it even necessary? Are you doing daily when weekly is good enough? Or weekly when monthly is good enough?

If she brings up non-kid or non-custody things, can you ignore those?

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

Hey MTH. Welcome to the forum.

Just for the record, people cheat inside poly or open relationships all the time. So just because someone’s waving the flag doesn’t mean they’re not breaching trust and violating share agreements.

How long was she actually gone? Sounds like 2-3 weeks? And sounds like your kids at the time were under 9. Is that correct?

Do you know if she’s still dating that guy? Was he worth blowing up her marriage and family?

 

[Magdlyn]

It wasn’t an “open relationship."

I didn't say it was an "open relationship," just that you two "opened" your relationship, meaning, to polyamory. I get you.

She waited 6-7 years into a marriage to suddenly decide she’s “poly"... this is something in her life she wanted to explore more. I’m an open-minded person. I wasn’t initially against it. I immediately stated there needed to be heavy communication and boundaries in place before anything were to happen.

Poly is something I believe should be talked about in the talking/dating phase, not 6 years, two kids and a mortgage later.

Sometimes we don't realize we are polyamorous until just the right person comes along. We may have been happily monoamorous all our lives, when we suddenly realize we've fallen in love with a new person while still loving our long-term partner.

Or, in this case, she might be monoamorous, really, and fell out of love with you before or after she fell in love with NZ guy. I can't tell.

But we've had hundreds of people here over the years who were happily monoamorous, or monogamous, until suddenly something happens and they fall in love with (or get infatuated with, get a crush on) another person. Often it seems to happen to people who got married fairly young, after 10-14 years have gone by.

It sounds like she was having intense conversations on her discord with this guy (maybe "met" him through gaming), and just had to meet him in person.

It’s not a shared PC, we have a small two bed, one bath house and that was the best place to put it. It was her gaming PC and I never used it.

Ah, I see. Sorry for my mistake.

Child care was something that was never discussed. She just assumed I would take care of it and figure it out myself.

That's not right. It's not "cheating," i.e., lying, in my opinion, but it's rude and thoughtless, both for the kids and towards you.

No, she didn’t have her own “fun money” to recklessly spend on what she wanted, especially $2,100 on a plane ticket. Again, this was something she did intentionally behind my back with one of her own personal credit cards she applied for solely for the purpose of flight usage.

Pretty sneaky and impetuous. She's infatuated and not thinking rationally.

Does it matter why I didn’t immediately bring it up?

Yes, because, as you said, you needed open communication to be able to have a polyamorous relationship. If my long-term partner were chatting with someone about traveling to NZ (or some other distant location) and I accidentally saw her talking about it on a discord, I'd ask her immediately, I think.

I wouldn't tell her she could or couldn't go. I wouldn't demand her "bf" come here first. I'd ask the practical questions about time spent, the money for the ticket and other travel expenses, the childcare.

(Just so you know, my co-mod Evie is from NZ and has a long-term partner in the States, and their infrequent trips take months of planning, and saving for, and Evie's husband and her bf's partners are always fully informed about the trips. Maybe she'll see this thread.)

Was it wrong of me to assume there was no way she’d make such a huge decision (at the time) without talking to me?

Well, we can't answer that, because we don't know how healthy your dynamic is/was, which is why I asked for more specifics.

Our marriage at this point was kind of strained a bit, but I just assumed it would’ve been easier posting the “straw that broke the camels back" for me, instead of going through a ton of, I think, needless information, when all I asked was a question pertaining to that very scenario.

We don't like to give snap answers here without more understanding of a situation. As it is, we only know your side.

But I will answer your simple question again. No, I do not think this is "cheating," per se. I think it is thoughtless, rude and impulsive behavior. But if you want to call it "cheating" as shorthand, to friends and family, that's fine. That's your choice. You don't need to provide details to anyone unless you want to, of course.

I was seeking advice from people who maybe had a better, healthier poly dynamic to their marriage to see their thoughts on it. Several of our mutual friends we’ve shared over the years, her coworkers, her own mother and her sisters already have her written off. I just wanted some insight from someone in the poly community to weigh in.

Okay, so your good friends, her mom, sisters, and coworkers all think she did wrong.

As an experienced polyamorous person, I agree this was unacceptable behavior. I'm sorry this happened to you. Keep trying to just address the kids' needs and schedules with her, and stonewall her overtures of friendship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MoreThanHate,

It sounds like you had a tentative mono/poly understanding during the six months she connected with this guy. I think for that reason I would hesitate to call it cheating, however I do think she was dishonest with you, and didn't treat you right. As awful as divorce generally is, in this case I think you made the right decision in divorcing her.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MoreThanHate]

Hey MTH. Welcome to the forum.

Just for the record, people cheat inside poly or open relationships all the time. So just because someone’s waving the flag doesn’t mean they’re not breaching trust and violating share agreements.

How long was she actually gone? Sounds like 2-3 weeks? And sounds like your kids at the time were under 9. Is that correct?

Do you know if she’s still dating that guy? Was he worth blowing up her marriage and family?

She was gone 12 days total. Yes, both kids under 9. More specifically, one is 6 and the other is 4.

She is still dating this guy. Idk if it was worth it, to her it was I suppose.

She informed me a few weeks ago he’d be visiting her this summer for 3 weeks and I immediately said my children are not welcomed around him and would not be with her this entire time and she said that was fine.

All I said was as long as you’re okay not seeing your children for that long, idrc what you do.

 

[Evie]

(Just so you know, my co-mod Evie is from NZ and has a long-term partner in the States, and their infrequent trips take months of planning, and saving for, and Evie's husband and her bf's partners are always fully informed about the trips. Maybe she'll see this thread.)

Yep, months of planning, and informing all partners. Not informing partners is against our courtesy principles. But consent...that's the interesting one as neither of us have veto agreements with any of our partners. We don't ask. We tell. But we are also all child free or empty nesters, so childcare isn't part of the equation. Financially, we have hierarchical considerations as Puck (US) and I (NZ) are the primary income earners in our respective nesting households, so our travel is balanced against ensuring our mortgages/property taxes/utilities are paid. That's obviously in our own interests as well as our semi-dependent nesting partners (who are also our legal partners). As for safety concerns as per the OP... in my vernacular as a New Zealander....

Get fucked.

My decisions are my own and I don't ask permission from my husband*. I flew to the US first, alone. And the only reason I didn't get there within 6 months of meeting Puck was because COVID lockdowns. I had tickets that I had booked within 3 months for 4 months later. We loved fast, hard, are are still in love now he is sitting next to me as I type this 7 years later.

*caveat, when my husband and I were newly open like the OP, yes, we both did ask each other for "permission" and there was only once that he said, "not right now" which caused so much angst (and largely cost me a burgeoning relationship) that after that we dropped all veto except in case of emergency and events (like funerals). But then, I wouldn't date anyone or would (and have) break up with someone who doesn't respect really important priorities.

 

[New2polydude]

Hmmm...paying $2k for a ticket then hopping on a plane to fly 15k miles to be with an unknown person who has probably already turned you on digitally! Some people might see this as being very romantic and exciting..more of a 7ish year itch kind of thing and not an enm relationship...but using poly as a coverup, in case it doesnt work out. Try before you buy...

 

[Tinwen]

Yes, it sounds like the wife probably fell out of love with the husband as she fell in love with NZ dude. Unless she goes on forming polyamorous relationships in the future, this might just be serial monogamy. I'm not saying she consciously used poly as a cover story (it's possible for people to be genuinely confused when they fall in love while in a relationship, why not), but she hasn't lived it's values very well. It also sounds like the OP didn't have much choice in whether to open up or not, so some people might call it poly under duress.


The "consent" discussion Evie is hinting at is an interesting one in the opening up dynamics, and often not spelt out clearly enough. Let me abstract from this trip situation and make it very visible:

Situation 1: Typical opening up situation: Spouse A falls in love with *new shiny* and proposes to open the marriage. Spouse B agrees, but with all the usual caveats like "they need to take it slow". They expect spouse A to ASK PERMISSION every time they want to take the next step (like having sex or an overnight). After all, they deserve reasonable accommodation, don't they?
Spouse A finds themselves in a catch 22 situation: They want to treat both of their loves with equal consideration, but they can't, because it's effectively spouse B controlling their new relationship. Either they conform to spouse B's pace and boundaries, which don't give them autonomy to let the new relationship develop at it's own pace, or they are accused of breaking trust and cheating in the open.
To be fair, spouse B is also in a catch 22 situation. After all, their boundaries are real to them. They don't feel ready for their spouse to share sex, they suffer during overnights. So they can't say yes, but if they say no, they're being controlling.
If spouses A and B can't find a pace that suits both, they divorce with spouse A feeling betrayed steamrolled over, or the relationship with new shiny ends in heartbreak.

Situation 2: Typical healthy non-hierarchical poly: Poly person A in a committed relationship with B falls in love with *new shiny*. They tell B. Since B is on board with poly, they take it in, and probably express mixed feelings of compersion and jealousy. But in this case, person A isn't asking permission. They ask about their partner's comfort, and actively try to adjust the pace if possible. If not possible, they go ahead - after all they're the one in charge of their own body and their own relationships. Partner B knows this isn't a breach of agreement, and while they may experience discomfort, they hopefully have the skills to cope process it. If partners A and B can't find a compromise, they part ways. Partner B may still feel steamrolled over, but it's more likely this ends on relatively good terms without all the blame attached.

How does situation 1 become situation 2? There is only one way, both spouses find a way through the perils of NRE and make a real paradigm shift to poly. That's hardly possible in poly under duress... and it's just plain HARD. Damn, I've been in a poly situation for years, and I don't know how I'd fare if Idealist had a new partner.

 

[New2polydude]

Seems to me that poly has to be a 3 (or more) connection, with the second or third tier respecting the boundaries of the first....crashing the party is not poly.

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like the divorce happened around July 2024 after she came back from that trip, and she’s still in a relationship with the person she had the affair with.

She told me a few weeks ago that he’ll be visiting for three weeks this summer. When I said the kids wouldn’t be around him and wouldn’t be staying with her during that time, she said that was fine.

For me that raises an important question. Is she actively engaged and consistent in her parenting? Treating the kids well?

Or has most of the parenting responsibility shifted to you? If she’s comfortable going weeks without seeing the kids and regularly relies on you to just step in and handle childcare rather than her making childcare plans for them, it’s reasonable to ask whether the kids might be better off with you just having full custody of them.

If you’re already functioning as the primary parent, it may be worth considering if that would provide more stability for the kids.

As for the persistent communication—what’s the purpose of it? If her involvement with the kids continues to be inconsistent, the kids will recognize that on their own. You don’t have to manage or soften that reality for her.