Wife wants meta to move in with us, feeling conflicted.

J

James365

New member
Summary: Married couple (m/f mid 30s, both straight) moved to a new city, wife is socially lonely and wants her fwb to move in. I feel conflicted between my introverted nature feeling overwhelmed with this becoming a full time situation and wanting her to be happy.

Background: I met my wife about 7 years ago in a non-monogomous circumstance, a casual relationship where our first encounter was a mfm threesome with my good friend. Overtime we fell in love and agreed from the beginning we were interested in a non-monogamous relationship. A work opportunity had us move from our original home city to another that we didnt have any friends/family in that was far less active. She met a guy that started as a platonic friendship and that blossomed into a very close relationship, I'm great friends with him, he is a very kind lover to my wife and I really like having him in our life and he makes her very happy.

Our relationship style: When we started dating the swinging lifestyle seemed to ve what we were into. After some experimentation it became clear that casual hookups really aren't our thing and a deeper connection is really something we want for someone who we would hopefully have a great connection with. I'll be very direct in describing all this because I dont want to misuse the terminology to describe various types of non-monogamy. Basically we are one another's core emotional partners and we are comfortable with one another forming deep friendships and connections. We are fine with "I love you's" genuine passionate sensual connections, but at the end of the day we know that our boundaries are that our relationship with one another is core and that plans for the future together etc would be with us and that we really don't want other partners at that same deeper level. We struggle with the language around it as different people have different associations with labels. But I feel happy for her to enjoy that type of connection.

Our present scenario: So her friend (m, mid 20s) had to leave unexpectedly for some family matters several months ago and has had some financial hardships as a result. Things are wrapping up and he is going to be coming back in town soon. My wife has proposed that to help him get back on his feet that he move in with us.

My thoughts: I feel very conflicted right now and it's sensitive enough I really dont want to talk with my friends and family about it.
+My personal time: one of the things that works great in our relationship is that we have different schedules and I have grown very accustomed to having privacy and solitude when I get home. I'm introverted and that space helps me recharge. Seeing our friend weekly is great, I can bring my best self to that interaction and then I get my own time and personal time with my wife. The thought of coming home and having to socialize with this friend on a daily basis brings me a lot of anxiety and Im worried that I won't ve able to bring my best self to other social interactions as I will feel very drained.
+Worries about intimacy and sharing space: I enjoy mfm threesomes and I also enjoy one-on-one time. I'm not attracted to men, so too much mfm threesomes can make me feel turned off and I really need to recharge with feminine sexual energy. Too much masculine energy in the bedroom over time just really turns me off.
+Duration: We have had other roommates before, platonic, and for a limited duration for a specific time where they were actively working towards moving out. In this scenario my wife couldn't directly articulate how long she would want this to go for and suggested a year. As a guest in our house this friend has been super duper respectful and I imagine he would continue to be an excellent and respectful roommate as far as housekeeping goes. But I know that if things are copasetic both my friend and my wife would be motivated to keep the situation going (I guess until he maybe found a romantic interest and wanted his own space for that?). So other times with roommates its been a temporary invasion of my space that I took comfort in knowing it was a goal of them finding their own space.
+My wife's happiness: She craves social connections and frankly its been difficult forging that kind of quality friendships in our new city. If he weren't living with us it would be very inconvenient for her to see him and I would feel bad getting in the way of that.

Honestly just putting this into words has helped me frame this a little better. Everything above is my thoughts after sleeping on it, and I think I'm feeling in a clear state of mind regarding all this. But other times there's an irrational part of my mind that worries about the negative outcomes, feeling socially exhausted and retreating from social interactions and feeling like if I pull back socially from my wife that this guy would fill the void. That can be a good thing in some ways, the insecure part of me worries that I could feel some resentment in that scenario. A part of me doesn't want to feel like I'm "competing" for love and affection on a continual basis in my own home. Talking about our mutual goals in the relationship before it seemed like we wouldn't want to literally live with a romantic/intimate connection. So I really hadn't mentally prepared for this possibility and Im being asked to make a quick decision and its really overwhelming to me right now.

I honestly just want to cry right now. I love my wife and want her happiness and she feels confident that this will bring her a lot of joy that had been missing in his absense. It takes a lot of energy to put myself out there and I worry knowing myself that if I could isolate myself with this much pressure and if I don't get my feelings under control could hurt our relationship with my actions. Maybe it won't be like that and we'll all be happy campers. That would be a really fun possibility because I appreciate this guy and actually like him in general.

I dont know how to end this or what to even ask, but if there's any guidance, personal experiences you can relate to it would help me see this from an outside POV.
 
You don't want him as permanent roommate, it's just too much, and that's ok. State some clear boundaries.
You could suggest a temporary deal - like three weeks or three months - you can accomodate him before he finds a living space of his own (it's a little hard to appartment hunt while not in town), but that sounds like your maximum right now. NOT a year.

Every polycule has to find their optimal level of closeness. For us, it's "next door neighbours" - so that Idealist can come and go between the families during the day, but I don't have to see Meta if I don't want to. Sharing a meal once or twice a month or so is the maximum I can do. Look for options sustainable long-term.
 
James365 said:
Basically we are one another's core emotional partners and we are comfortable with one another forming deep friendships and connections. We are fine with "I love you's" genuine passionate sensual connections, but at the end of the day we know that our boundaries are that our relationship with one another is core and that plans for the future together etc would be with us and that we really don't want other partners at that same deeper level.
Click to expand...
It's possible this is changing for your wife as her connection to this "friend" deepens, maybe she is approaching a point - or will in time, if the relationship contnues - where she feels you more at the same level. That outlook would contribute to your grief, but it sounds like you understand it's not just a loss, but also a genuine expansion and something worth cherrishing. It's important to acknowledge this possibility and not give each other fals reassurance in case this is the trajectory her feelings are on. But it's all the more important to take care of your mutual love and the quality of your relationship, and do all the nice stuff you want to do together - being happy together usually negates jealousy and envy well enough :)
 
Thank you for your insight Twinwen. I think that identifying the right duration boundaries for this situation that we see as appropriate initially and then re-evaluate as we go is always very solid advice and would go a long way to easing my anxiety around this scenario.

She does make me feel loved, cherished, and reassured and I know she wants my happiness too.

And you're very right that its extra important that I not lean into my feelings of withdrawing, but make sure to be putting the utmost care into our relationship quality together.
 
James365 said:
Thank you for your insight Twinwen. I think that identifying the right duration boundaries for this situation that we see as appropriate initially and then re-evaluate as we go is always very solid advice and would go a long way to easing my anxiety around this scenario.
Click to expand...
I purposefully suggested a really fixed period of time, because I think once he moves in, unless the deal is really clear, you hold the shorter end of the stick (in risk of a two over one situation). How are you going to throw him out on the street if he just stalls finding an apartment? So I would not offer "reevaluate as we go", no democracy here. You are willing to help for this long, than it's back to your prefered living situation. Of course it could happen that your preference does change, but I'd want everyone to assume it just won't. Because even if it does and he has a signed lease already? There's no harm in living separately for one more year, and only then moving back into this kitchen-table dynamics.

But I dunno, maybe you're all nice respectful people who never play power games, or maybe it's NOT the best negotiation tactics, I'm no expert - just an opinion from a random online person.

You've been married for seven years, how long have they been together?
 
It's okay to say, "No, thanks. I don't want another roomie. You can find other ways to address your loneliness and other ways to help your FWB out," because she can. She can work on getting out and about and start getting to know more people.

She can buy her FWB groceries once in a while, or pay his internet bill for 6 mos. Give him a check for a flat deposit that he pays back over time. Help him look at flats and help him pack boxes/move. That helps the FWB out at different levels. She can find the level that is appropriate for this situation.

It doesn't have to be cohabitation, and certainly not you and your wife paying all the bills with the FWB living there free, if she's hinting at you taking him on as a dependent.

If FWB wants to visit for the weekend, and that's more doable for you? Great. He can visit for the weekend. Come over Friday night. Go home Monday.


+My wife's happiness: She craves social connections, and frankly, it's been difficult forging that kind of quality friendships in our new city. If he weren't living with us it would be very inconvenient for her to see him, and I would feel bad getting in the way of that.
Click to expand...

Maybe you could all move to separate flats in the same complex. Then her commute to see her FWB would be shorter. And you still aren't living with him as your roomie.

Plus, the FWB moving in doesn't solve her friend problems. There's still just you and the FWB. That's not enough people.

Say no. FWB and you do not have to live together. I get your wife might be disappointed, but your well-being matters too.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Lots of 20-somethings are financially insecure. That doesn't mean you have to offer one of them free rent for an undefined period, indefinitely, much less permanently.

My longest-term partner (Pixi) and I agreed from the start of cohabitation that we did not want to share our home with any other partners on a daily basis. She's introverted. I am ambiverted. We need our space to recharge. I hear that you're the same way, and that is totally legit.

We both have long-term bfs. My bf Aries is younger and lower income and lives across town with his extended family, where his aunt charges him a pretty low rent. He only comes here for one or two overnights a week. He puts in a lot of sweat equity at both homes to "pay" his way.

Pixi's bf has his own house and she goes there half the week. I can't imagine living full time with either guy. I think Aries would love to be with me every day, but he's extremely extroverted and I would be exhausted. lol. Pixi's bf Malachi is the most introverted of us all. It took him years to even want Pixi in his home as much as she is. No way would he ever want to live with me or Aries. Eek. Perish the thought.

Plus, I want to be able to walk around my own home naked or nearly naked, and I couldn't do that with my gf's bf in the house, and likewise for Pixi! (None of us do that threeway sex thing, though.)

I agree with the practical suggestions GalaGirl gave. And I also wonder how long your wife has been dating the FWB, like Tinwen asked.

You're sexually involved with this bf. Even though you're both straight, you enjoy MFM sex, which would be pretty bonding, I'd imagine! Like he's your kid brother... You're empathetic to his financial plight. So... you can help him financially while he gets on his feet, if you want to, if you trust him to not take advantage of you long-term, but you don't have to be his "landlord" and have him constantly in your space. Ugh.

I can see they missed each other greatly when he was away dealing with family matters. That might be the impetus for them wanting to live together full time right now. I agree your wife could work harder at making more friends, if she needs them. Sounds like she made no friends while her bf was away for that period of time. That doesn't mean he gets to move in with you now he's back!

Pixi and I have hosted friends several times while they were in transition. Each time it was about 6 weeks. Two of them were good friends and worked hard at finding another living situation. We were happy to help. The third one was more of an acquaintance, she was taking advantage of us, and we had to kick her out.

Stand your ground. Your feelings and comfort matter too.
 
Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies.

For more info we have known our friend for almost 5 years. They became intimate about a year ago, so there has been a good amount of time to see him through all the seasons, so there is a lot of trust inherent in the situation.

I know there is a lot of emotions on my wife's part wanting this to work, so hopefully after some sleep separate thoughts and me being able to come into the follow up conversation with a clear mind we are able to establish boundaries that can meet her needs, my needs, and can be a leg up in helping our buddy get to his next step and that we are ALL on the same page that there's a next step haha.

Regarding her need to spend the energy to make friends, I must admit this move has taken a toll. She's a very attractive woman that's wonderful to talk to, and most of her strong family bonds came from college days when it was simply so much easier to hang out and make friendships work. I've explained that as adults you really have to put in the effort and time and miles to set up meetings, and it's not just going to happen as spontaneously as it did as young adults with less responsibility. I can also step up more in supporting that by helping her with setting up hangouts with friends. Admittedly my social glass gets filled much easier and I can go for a while before feeling that same urge. So that is hand in hand with being attuned to my partner's needs in the relationship.

Again, thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. Last night was difficult processing all this and you all have been very kind in sharing your experiences I can glean from. :)
 
Hello James365,

This might be a good time to do a pros-and-cons list, write down what you'd like about your meta moving in (in the left column), and what you wouldn't like (in the right column). This way you might have a better idea of whether you are for or against your meta moving in, see which column is the longest.

What about the idea of explaining to your wife, and her friend, about the nature of your introversion and your need to have time to yourself when you get home. This way her friend will know not to be offended if you come home and walk past him with nothing more than a, "Hi." I'm not sure that would solve everything, but would it help?

As far as MFM threesomes are concerned, I wonder if you could actually schedule them in such a way as you won't be flooded with the masculine energy. Like figure out the frequency that would work best for you, say once a month or once every three months or whatever you'd be comfortable with. Then in between threesomes, you and your wife could have one-on-one encounters, and I suppose your wife and her friend could do likewise.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I can also step up more in supporting that by helping her with setting up hangouts with friends.
Click to expand...

What does that mean? Because if she's having people over for pizza and a movie, you helping to vac the living room or help set out plates and cups that she bought is one thing. You doing all her planning for her? That's something else.

YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top