Will I ever overcome all these emotions and jealousy? Need advice and help on moving forward…

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Newtothis_84

New member
I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We've only ever been with each other, as we met when we were teenagers.

We began talking about exploring the swinging lifestyle many years ago, but life got in the way. We only dived into it about a year ago, with me exploring my bi-curiosity. So we had experiences with solo females, then began couple swapping, but always in the same room, together.

6 months ago, we ended up in bed with a friend of mine (the first time my husband had actually met her). I’d known her for about 12 months. She is a straight woman. This was her first ever experience with a woman.

Anyway, we continued to chat and build the friendship. I sensed instantly my husband's feelings were getting stronger and stronger for her. He was trying to reassure me this wasn’t occurring, but he just wasn’t aware, until he finally realised and admitted that he had fallen in love with her.

We continued to see her, but have not put a “poly” label to this. Meanwhile, we all know this is what it is. But she still hopes to seek “the love of her life “ one day. She has admitted to also having feelings for my husband, and whilst she has love for me and is enjoying our time together, the love for me is different to what she has for him.

When we are all together, I don’t seem to have any worries in the world, as everybody is always making sure everyone feels included. It’s more when my husband and I are back home. I know he communicates to her privately, although he tells me everything g he says, he’s probably too honest in some way, I feel knowing she doesn’t feel the same way for me, I hold back a little and start to feel away and jealous and a bit like a third wheel sometimes.

I have the ultimate fear that my reactions and emotions are going to scare him away, but he reassures me I’m his home, and if he wanted to get up and leave, he would.

Will I ever be able to just move forward and not feel sad? I feel like sometimes I’m wearing a mask to hide my emotions, even though I also don’t want any of this to stop, as I love the time with her.

My biggest thing, once upon a time, I was my husband's only girl in his world, the only one ever on his mind, his entire universe. And now I probably will never be that person again. There will always be someone else, whereas I could not imagine loving another person the way I love him. Please help me.
 
First of all, I'm so proud of you. You guys are doing a big scary thing and being very mature about it.

Second, please don't feel pressured to feel any specific way about this third person; my girlfriend's husband and I are good friends, but this was a pleasant surprise, not an expectation.

Third, it sounds like you're honestly doing an amazing job, all things considered! Radical honesty is the easiest way to navigate these sorts of situations, even when its just your husband admitting to himself that the feeling he is feeling is "love."

Fourth, you were his "only girl in the world," but at no point did you fulfill all of his needs: he still had friends, family, his "I got a guy for that" guys, etc. You're adjusting your world-view, not losing a place in his hierarchy of needs.

And finally, welcome! Keep doing what you're doing (the open communication is like 80-90% of the battle) and feelings of comfort and safety and security will come over time as trust is built.
 
Everyone that attempts a polyamorous triad (aka throuples), finds that it's never an equilateral triangle. No two loves are ever alike. They differ in many ways.

Your "shared gf" is straight. I don't know if she can show romantic or sexual love for you if she's straight. (By definition, probably not.) But of course, she can feel those things for a man.

Go get yourself a gay or bi gf, or another man to love. You'll then find out if you're polyamorous and able to fully love more than one in a romantic sexual way.

Remember, there's no need to share a partner with your husband. You can date independently. Unlike swingers, most poly people date independently.
 
Hello Newtothis_84,

You will eventually overcome all these emotions, just be patient with yourself and with the process. You must consider that your husband and your friend have NRE for each other, NRE is a powerful drug and it impairs judgment; it also means he will overlook your needs and feelings, unless you remind him. The good news is that NRE doesn't last forever, maybe a year or two.

I think you need time to pass through the stages of grief. You are no longer "his one and only," it is the end of your previous relationship with him, as you seek to build a new one. Of course it hurts, it's almost like a death to you, you are going to grieve about it, let yourself do that, and do not think you are doing anything wrong. I don't think it would be healthy to be happy about the current situation.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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