Will my Poly choices really just make me lonely in the end?

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PolyWannaPartner

New member
Im really feeling the sadness that I can find a committed partner. I have a four year old son and really want a family. I miss a masculine half. I keep meeting these men/boys who like me because they dont feel the pressure of commitment since Im so "open"

Im just really getting in a bad way with my thoughts, telling myself that Im just too much for any guy to want to stick around for. That I can just be some hot fuck and then as soon as some nice monogamous girl walks along I get dropped like a hat.

Anyone have some advice for this girl?? I dont know. I just needed to get it out there I guess...
 
Hi PolyWannaPartner,

I think if you just take things slowly, and are honest with whomever you meet, you will find a faithful and sincere man in due time. Although you're worried about poly choices making you lonely, what would happen if you stopped making poly choices? You probably wouldn't be happy with yourself. And how lonely is that, when your own company makes you unhappy?

I vote to be true to yourself and just be cautious about whom you let into your heart.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

If you sit around thinking stuff like:

I can't find a committed partner. Why? Because
  • I'm too much for any guy to want to stick around for.
  • I'm nothing but a hot fuck to people.
​

I don't see how talking down about you to yourself is supposed to inspire feelings of joy. :(

Dry spells happen in dating. It's a bummer. But that doesn't mean YOU stink.

Are you sleeping ok or run down? Do you get enough breaks from childcare as a single mom? Can friends and family babysit? If you are struggling with depression, have you had a check up? Things like those can color thoughts dark.

That would be my advice -- you can't make a dude show up, but you CAN take care of your health stuff. So the waiting and searching isn't made harder by those things weighing you down.

Galagirl
 
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How long have you been looking for a committed partner?

When and why did you decide to be poly?

Why do you think you might be 'too much' for a man to stick around for? Because you have a child, or for some other reason? What is 'too much' about you?

How old are you?
 
@polywannapartner, I hear you. Sometimes it's painful to want something so badly and there's no sign of it in sight. I've been dating for two and a half years, both genders, and so far, I've had heartbreak, flings, friends, and fuckbuddies, countless lame dates, and a few crushes that came to nothing. I've got like 5 people in my phone right now who will come to me when I call, but none of them are serious contenders.

Like you, I'm struggling with negative thoughts as I step out of a marriage to pursue a life which allows for multiple partners. Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. My husband and I had a lot of issues (not just the poly/mono thing) but he loved me and he was HERE.

On the other hand, I see quite a few of my monogamous friends struggling too. Some of them are divorced single mothers, some are in their
30's and have never married. I know a few people who are truly happy being single and just hooking up whenever it suits them. Then there are the happy couples: some are monogamous, some are swingers. I only know a few people IRL who identify as poly, and honestly, they don't seem any better or worse off than everyone else. A know a poly couple who just had a baby together, and then my ex who used "poly" as an excuse to eschew anything serious.

If I truly examine my own choices, I have to admit that I was often just as lonely when I was in a monogamous marriage as I feel now, possibly at times more so.

My advice: If you feel like you're being used for sex and fun, you need to reset your boundaries and choose not to engage with anyone who doesn't seem serious about you. Granted, sometimes people tell you what you want to hear to get you into bed, but usually, you can figure out pretty early on what someone is offering you. Then you just need to behave in alignment with what you want. If you want to be poly, don't get deeply involved with someone who eventually wants a monogamous relationship. If you want a serious partnership, don't mess with someone whose clearly not cut out for that.

I wish you the best of luck!
 
Im 28 and I decided to start being poly about 2 years ago. Like the poster above me Ive had relationships but nothing that feels sustaining.

As far as feeling like Im too much
I have severe ADHD which can make my life a lil dramatic at times
I have a child that really needs a masculine role in his life
Im a full time student
Im poly.

Im not opposed to having fun and casual relationships, in fact I love them. Im just feeling like I dont want anymore to add to what I have and that the next relationship I start I want to be more viable for long term. I have two people in my life that Im very much in love with but both of them are so far from reach that its pointless to keep hoping.

I keep trying to realize that settling right now doesnt mean defeat or surrender, but settling in the sense of letting the dust calm and being present with what I have.

I think all of this is made hard by the fact that I am a single mom and I dont want to be anymore. I want a family where everyone has the day to day support that they need. I have an amazing community and a lot of amazing friends. I live in one of the most blessed places in the US and have goals in my life. But Im still tired. I dont think that I wont be tired even if I get a partner but holy hell it sure would be nice to have someone that knows the ins and outs of me (and I them) to go on this road with me and maybe show me some detours.

I want a comrade. Someone who loves me and wants to invest time in making a solid safe unit.

How do I balance that with the knowledge that Im poly?

I feel like I just keep leaving myself open to be left because I dont want to scare anyone off with "commitment". But I also need to be straight forward about what is needed in my life.


ramble ramble ramble. Back to studying for history midterm....


<3
 
I think also the fact that I have a hard time accepting hierarchy in relationships makes this more difficult. If I dont ever want to be someones secondary why would I do that to someone else?

Like "Im sorry but even though we are super intimate, my primary's needs are going to come before yours" No. Ouch.

So add that on to it all and Im thoroughly confused about how to go about getting what I want and being a valuable partner to someone else. :confused:
 
I am sorry ADHD adds to the problems.

There is more than one way to do open relationship. That's just a few. You can DIY your own way.

I feel like I just keep leaving myself open to be left because I dont want to scare anyone off with "commitment". But I also need to be straight forward about what is needed in my life.
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I notice you use "feel" in place of "think." It sounds persnickety but it could help you have less confusing feelings to stop that habit. Use "think" for your thoughts. And "feel" for your emotions. It then becomes...

I THINK I just keep leaving myself open to be left because I dont want to scare anyone off with "commitment". But I also need to be straight forward about what is needed in my life.
Click to expand...

You also connect things that don't need to connect. Break it up. I also grey out stuff that adds confusion and seems not on the topic of "Behaviors I do to create my happiness"

  • I think I keep leaving myself open to be left. (All relationships can end. Limit of the Universe. Nobody is immortal.)
    [*]I dont want to scare anyone off with "commitment". (So don't behave scary. Problem solved.)
  • I also need to be straight forward about what is needed in my life. <--- do more of this. Focus on behaviors that create your happiness.

I think you might WANT to weed out the incompatibles and not just invite any ol' person in. If you are behaving like a decent person and not like a Scary/Creepy person? If "commitment" as a word scares them? What kind of weenie partner is that? Afraid of a WORD? :confused: You don't want to take up with flakes. That is not on your list of what you want in a partner.

You could focus more on what you want. "I want to build a committed poly relationship with someone. That would make me happy." Align your behaviors toward that.

And stop focussing so much on what you do not want -- "I don't want to be left." Because that kind of thinking focus keeps you cultivating doom stuff. Rather than moving on toward cultivating your happiness.

I keep trying to realize that settling right now doesnt mean defeat or surrender, but settling in the sense of letting the dust calm and being present with what I have.
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That is sensible. Do more of that. While keeping an eye to future and aligning your behaviors toward cultivating the stuff that brings you happiness.

Galagirl
 
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PolyWannaPartner said:
I want a comrade. Someone who loves me and wants to invest time in making a solid safe unit.

How do I balance that with the knowledge that Im poly?
Click to expand...

Have you taken time to read the Life stories and blogs section here? There are plenty of stories of committed, happy poly units. Being poly might actually mean that you could have two (or more) life partners and comrades.
 
I assume the problem comes from not wanting to come off as needing a serious relationship with someone before I even know them. Relationships usually start off casual and then sometimes progress to more serious stuff. I dont have time for that. Its not that Im worried about scaring someone away with commitment. Im worried about my needs and goals being too much too soon for someone. My situation in being a single mother, while not unique, is not common for people who identify they way I do. And it dictates my time and abilities in a different way

So I end up in these flirtations with guys, mostly from OKC, and I feel like no one is really clear on what they want. The ones who are ready for a commitment are new to poly. And the ones who are "poly" have lives already established. Or my fav one, the guy who is new to poly and will probably just leave when a nice mono girl comes along.
 
Im fully aware that I can have two or even more primary's. But I cant even find one. I want another baby before my son gets too much older and I want to give me and my son the masculine energy we need. In that I hope to fully realize my feminine energy and harness it in a way where Im meeting this person in the middle in the most beautiful way.

going to check out the links you guys have left for me


<333
 
It seems to me that although there is a risk involved in telling someone, on your first date with them, what you're really looking for in the long run ... you should tell them anyway. I believe you need a man with enough strength and courage to hear all you have to say on that first date, and not bolt.

And if you meet them first on OKC, tell them right then, before talking about dating. Heck put it your profile. "I am looking for a long-term partner who's willing to have a second child with me. Who can handle my ADHD and the fact that I'm a full-time student and polyamorous." Yes that will scare a lot of guys off. And it should. You need a man with way too much strength and courage to be scared off by that.

Just my take on things ...
 
Poly is so niche it just makes it so much harder. I know single monogamous women who have been single for years because it's hard to meet "the one ". Not only is the poly pool small (Could be downright nonexistent in some areas ) but then you have to be compatible with someone in that small pool. That's why I never got a girlfriend, never met a poly women I was attracted to and compatible with. It took me 5 years to get with sam. Just hang in there, someday you'll meet someone you'll want to be in a polyship with
 
I raised my child alone, I know how hard it is. You can do a good job of it on your own. The last ten years I've been solo, realizing that what I wanted just wasn't available. Then suddenly someone was available. Someone I never expected. And it's wonderful. And well worth the wait. Take your time. Trust yourself.
 
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