Will this be right for us/me?!

B

boredinthe80s

New member
Hello everyone; I am very new to this and it is not something I have thought too much about, partly due to fear and partly because in many ways it seems so far away from what I expect that I haven't allowed myself to consider it.

I am married to a wonderful woman who I love very much, we have a daughter who is fantastic and a joy to be with. We're in our early/mid thirties and married for 5 years; some of it difficult, some of it blissfully easy, a lot of loving and just a little bit of screaming at each other.

My wife came across poly about a year ago and it immediately intrigued her and possibly awoke something that she's needed for a long time. I was less keen. I could not get past the idea of it just being some dressed up swinger thing or legitimising fucking around outside your relationship. The more I've read and discussed it with my wife the more I am seeing the other side and how emotional needs are being fulfilled rather than just the physical.

I now think it's its time to talk to some more people about this and find out your experiences to hopefully guide our own, which is why I'm here. How does jealousy figure for you, is it part and parcel of a poly relationship? How do I cope if my wife is out with another with me at home? If my emotional needs are already being met is poly right for me, surely it's just all about sex then?

A lot of help needed I think to work out if this is the path we're going to take.

Cheers.
 
Greetings boredinthe80s,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re: jealousy ... is something polyamorists experience, just as monogamists do. The trick is not to stomp the jealousy out, but rather, to deconstruct it and figure out where it is coming from. I haven't felt jealous for quite awhile, but whenever I did, I always found it was because of some need of mine that wasn't being met.

Re: when your wife is out with another ... is a time and opportunity to treat yourself. Do stuff that you enjoy that your wife doesn't care for. Possibly get a sitter for your daughter so you can go out and have fun with your friends. Or if it's not too late do daddy-daughter stuff. The point is, don't just sit at home doing nothing. At least have some fun watching shows you like on the TV.

Re: what if your emotional needs are already being met ... sometimes poly happens anyway if you meet someone and find yourself falling in love with them, liking their personality, etc.

Re: what if poly isn't for you ... that's always possible and if it's the case, maybe you'd still be willing to let your wife explore her poly side? You don't have to but it's something to consider.

Hope that helps for starters.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Welcome aboard!
 
In terms of jealousy, it is a hot topic on these boards with many good posts and threads - Kevin has a list of links if you would find that helpful.

In terms of this:
boredinthe80s said:
If my emotional needs are already being met is poly right for me, surely it's just all about sex then?
Click to expand...

Generally it is probably best to come to poly when your "needs", in your current relationship, are already being met. Poly doesn't seem to work as well when someone is looking to another relationship to fill in where something is "broken" in an existing relationship. The existing relationship should be strong and full before someone goes looking for another. (Just as one shouldn't look to a partner to fill a void in themselves - I need to be whole and strong in myself in order to have any healthy relationship.)

I don't practice poly because I am looking for something that is lacking. I practice poly because each relationship has it's own joys that it brings to my life. Some of those joys are the same, some are different.
 
I've not found satisfaction in wrestling jealously to the ground or in picking it apart, going to the root of it, etc., but in finding other thoughts to rest upon that feel better than those based on fear. In my experience, you can't eradicate a negative emotion to make it go away, but you can find more peaceful and beneficial thoughts that replace the old habitual fearful ones. Thoughts and feelings indeed are our choice, contrary to popular belief, and are largely a matter of awareness and habit. Regularly coming to a place (like this) of newer and more positive perspective is a great help in changing your habits of thought about love. There are very few people who have never felt jealousy, but there are some who have decided to replace conventional jealous thoughts with different and more pleasing perspectives on our ever expanding experiences of love. With a bit of education and a lot of practice, your fearful jealousy can be replaced by more expansive peace and even joy. It's largely a matter of consciousness and change of habit on your part.

Welcome :)

PS - There are many extents to which poly people share their sexual experiences with their partners. Some like to hear the full report, some like to participate, some just want to know their partner is safe and happy and that's it. You never have to hear or see more than is comfortable for you. There is no "true poly" other than mutual consent and you'll find a great variety of poly styles and preferences here in the forum. Don't pressure yourself to be more involved than you want to be.
 
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Thank you for that; that's exactly why I am here, to learn new ways to look at things, become more accepting and alternate challenging myself with finding a comfort zone.
 
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