Will this workout? Child in a polyamorous relationship?

[RedQ]

The woman I love is married. She was upfront with me ever since the beginning letting me know she is in a poly relationship where she dates whoever she wants, her husband has the option to as well but chooses not to.
A bit of my background... I had never heard of such thing given that I am from a town where monogamy and majority of closed minded people live, even LGBTQ people are seen as sinners. I, myself, am a lesbian and luckily enough when I came out to my parents they accepeted/loved me regardless so I'd like to think not EVERYONE in our town is close minded.
The more I'd talk to this woman, the more intrigued I'd get by her. Not because of her "poly" life, not at all, but our connection was/is unbelievable. I can say she is everything I had always asked for... except she's married. After a couple of months I decided to not give a care in the world and ask her to be my gf. She accepted and we are now happily in love. It does kill me to know that when she goes home she goes home to him... and not me. It hurts me yet a part of me accepts it, try to make it believe as if that "other life" is nonexistent and that she's mine only. It's worked so far. However, when I do call and somehow I hear "him" I get a feeling I can't seem to put away but again, all goes away as soon as I am back in her arms. She never ever has made me feel like "the other", she's always prioritized me, has presented me to her close friends and tells me she will present me to her family when I am ready. She seems to be pretty opened about her poly life with everyone who surrounds her. I chose to present her to my family, without telling everyone about her other life... Why did I choose to? She makes me happy despite it all... second woman who has ever met my family so she pretty damn well means a lot to me. Just two days ago, though, she told me her parents and her argued because her parents want her to have a baby already but she had been stalling ever since she met me because she didn't want to lose me. She wants to have a child through IV with her husband because of issues to have a baby the "normal" way. I stayed up all night thinking of what's to happen, if I'll be able to go through with all this. I've never been in a monogamy relationship myself because I always end up cheating without the other person knowing but with her, I don't see myself cheating on her. Is what I'm feeling normal? I feel like sooner or later our relationship will end because a baby will change it all. I feel that she will love her husband even more because he gave her a child. I get so jealous of him, he has such a wonderful woman, he gets to kiss her goodnight and good morning. Heck, they've been house hunting these past few weeks and hell, I want that with her too someday. It might never happen, idk, just living day by day. I adore her. Will this jealousy feeling ever go away? I've only met her husband once, and also messaged in a group chat a couple of times to make her smile after going thru some deep shit. I've always asked her to keep her other life from me, especially the sex part, I sure as hell do not want to picture her with him which she's always respected. Totally blocked from my life. I've never asked her if she loves him because I already know the answer and it'll kill me to hear it directly from her. I wish we could just run away but that isn't possible. Will a baby change it all? Am I going to end up getting hurt? Is having a baby, a husband, and a girlfriend even possible? What's going to change? I'm so scared of what's to happen. **sigh**
New to poly.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

These things stick out from your post.

• I can say she is everything I had always asked for... except she's married.
• It does kill me to know that when she goes home she goes home to him... and not me.
• I try to make it believe as if that "other life" is nonexistent and that she's mine only.
• I feel depressed
• I feel like sooner or later our relationship will end because a baby will change it all.
• I feel that she will love her husband even more because he gave her a child.
• They've been house hunting these past few weeks and hell, I want that with her too someday.
• I've always asked her to keep her other life from me
• I've never asked her if she loves him because I already know the answer and it'll kill me to hear it directly from her.
• I wish we could just run away but that isn't possible.

FWIW? You sound unhappy participating here. She's great and all... but you are still unhappy. And you do a lot of "pretending" to be able to endure being here. You are bending yourself into pretzels and it's making you depressed. So why keep participating in a relationship model that you don't seem to really want that is dinging your health and well being this badly?

You seem to want to date 1:1 and be the "nesting" partner. You aren't going to get that here when you are dating in a "V" thing as the non-nesting partner.

I can say she is everything I had always asked for... except she's married. After a couple of months I decided to not give a care in the world and ask her to be my gf.

Maybe next time rather than throwing caution to the wind, you choose to take more care not to get into something that goes against your own grain.

You could hope to "thrive" in your relationships and not merely "survive" them.

I think the smaller sad of "She's so close to what I want, but not quite it" might have been easier to digest because that is single load.

"She's so close to what I want, but not quite it" + "I'm in a V I don't really want to be in" + "I got all attached which makes ending it harder" + "I really don't want to be here if she's having a baby" is 4x load.

Am I going to end up getting hurt?

You are already hurting. You don't have to be buddies with her husband, but if you have to lie to yourself pretending he and a whole part of her life does not exist just to be able to stand being here? You struggle with depression being here? None of that is healthy sounding.

Watching her be pregnant? That's going to be hard to "pretend away."

You can love someone a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But you leave the remaining 51% for loving you and taking care of you. So you don't let your soft feelings for someone tempt you into things that hurt you. You need to be able to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I keep myself in a situation that hurts me. I have to love me too. I have to bow out."

Rather than keep it going indefinitely and hurting yourself some more in the meanwhile?

I would suggest bowing out. With regrets, but bow out all the time. Painful lesson learned. No healthy partner that loves you would want you to be hurting yourself like this. If you guys work better as exes and friends, allow the relationship shape to change.

Again, I'm sorry you are struggling.

Galagirl

 

[Polyglamorous]

I guess the cool thing about polyamory is it works the way that you and the people involved decide. You seem to really have feelings for your girlfriend. So, the outcome really depends on the effort put in by all parties involved. The first question I have, did you ever want children? If no was the answer you must think about how separate you want to be from that life. If yes was an answer, my suggestion would be to talk to both parties involved and see where you would fall in this dynamic. Instead of maybe mentally blocking her other life you could see how you could integrate yourself and how open she would be for that idea. Something that has always appealed to me about polyamory being a parent was the support that could be supplied from multiple people to a child. It also depends on how you view things too. If yes was your answer for kids one day, then you could view this as a good thing. Adoption can be hard. You can be a part of a child’s life, and the child belongs to the women you love. In conclusion, my advice would be to talk to the other two people involved in the relationship and see what the future holds. Will you guys possibly live together one day? Could you possibly co-parent? My other suggestion would be to try to not block out that aspect of her life and maybe try to embrace it. Which would mean talking to her husband. I hope all goes well, and keep us updated. It all sounds very exciting to me/ I think its endearing that you love her so much. Good luck!

 

[Tinwen]

I feel like sooner or later our relationship will end because a baby will change it all.

What exactly will change?
You will be dating a mother. So if you're currently faking dating a single woman, you could be faking dating a single mother. If you're comfortable with that idea, why end? You could love the baby...

... but I still recommend rereading Galagirls post.
By the way, how long have you been involved with her?

 

[RedQ]

Galagirl,

Thanks for pointing all that out. It is not that I'm pretending, though. We came to an agreement to not know about her other life so its kept away. Doesn't a poly relationship set rules as to how to workout the relationship? I'm asking because I've never been in one. I decided to meet her husband once to see how I would handle it and to my surprise, we got along fairly well but then afterwards I went back to thinking these "jealousy" thoughts, and then my head goes back to try to become friends with the man. I will change things up a bit and see how it all goes. I'll hang out with the two of them and socialize see if that jealousy feeling goes away. Might not be as bad as I'm making myself see it. Watching her pregnant will bring joy to me, that's not going to be a hard part for me. A child is always a blessing. I was wondering whether I will get hurt in the long run by her ending it because she will feel her child deserves a "normal" family, or by them pushing me away from a child I'll get attached to but again, I'm guessing all relationships are diff. I love what you said about loving someone 49% and myself 51%. Are you currently in a poly relationship?

Polyglamorous,

Thank you for your reply. This is all new to me so I'm trying to grasp others advices/opinions. Like I told GalaGirl, and following your advice, I am going to try to befriend the husband and not try to make him be nonexistent and see how that works out. I won't give up until I fully know that this will not work. We always have to try before ruling anything out, I'm just molded in such way by the small town where all was either black or white. I feel like there's more acceptance in this new state and won't be ridiculed by the choices I make. I get excited to know that there will be a mini her, I can picture that child extremely hyper and jolly. A mini her. About us all living together, that's too soon to tell and a subject I don't want to touch just yet but we never know what life holds for us .

Tinwen,

LOL, I honestly laughed when you said "faking" dating a single woman, kinda what I'm doing, huh. Aye me. I mean, I'm not dumb, I know she goes home to him so I know she isn't single. I wish she was but she isn't and well, I asked her to be my gf regardless so I can say I'm okay with it, its just my jealousy/envious that kicks in that he gets to have her on a daily. Been involved with her for two years one month.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi RedQ,

After your girlfriend gives birth to this baby, the one thing that will surely change is that your girlfriend won't have nearly as much time (or energy) as she used to. The baby will demand virtually everything she's got. I think it's less likely that she'll dump you for the sake of a "normal" life for the baby, but I guess anything is possible. You can only take things one step at a time, and see what happens.

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Shaya]

Hi RedQ,

Welcome to the forums. If this is your first polyamorous relationship, jealousy can definitely be a struggle. Kevin has a few links to jealousy:

I can understand why you'd feel jealous. Firstly, it's normal. Secondly, you say you have cheated in previous relationships. Perhaps a part of you feels that developing feelings for others signals the end of a relationship. Intellectually, polyamory gives a way to keep a relationship even when new feelings for a third arises, but emotionally, as humans, we're geared to feel what we've experienced in life and your life experiences have led you to believe that feelings for a third is dangerous. Because, you know, cheating and stuff. Jealousy is perhaps something that is harder for you due to your life experiences. Maybe. I dunno. Don't mean to come across as insulting, just thinking about why you might be struggling so much. And maybe I've got it wrong. Jealousy after all is actually normal.

Tinwen's question of "how long have you been together" is important. It relates in part to how much NRE there is, and how well you see each other's faults as the NRE wears off. I'd be curious to know as well since sometimes advice from us can be patronising if you've known your partner 10 years and we're all here, as strangers, making assumptions about your relationship as if it were only a few months old. Makes us look silly.

Finally, I'd like to ask you what you consider your ideal relationship to be? Can you be in this relationship, like this, for 20 years, 50 years? What do you want in a relationship? It's similar to what Galagirl says, except I don't recommend separation necessarily at this point. It's polyamory - you can have another partner if you find one, and that partner may be more suited to your needs and could be a nesting partner for you (if you want that), whilst your current girlfriend could then take on a secondary role as she devotes her split attention to her husband, children, or potentially other new partners. Just a thought.

And welcome to the forums. You'll find your problem mirrored in a hundred slightly different ways in other people's stories as you look through the old posts here. Will a child work in a polyamorous relationship? It can. Depends on the individual.

Kind thoughts,
Shaya.

 

[Emm]

It is not that I'm pretending, though. We came to an agreement to not know about her other life so its kept away. Doesn't a poly relationship set rules as to how to workout the relationship?

There is no such thing as a textbook example of a poly relationship, so trying to do it "right" based on anything other than what works for you is potentially wasted effort. Sure, look at what does and doesn't work for others, but adapt it to your own circumstances.

What objective value does the current "make believe" arrangement provide?

 

[Tinwen]

LOL, I honestly laughed when you said "faking" dating a single woman, kinda what I'm doing, huh....

Don't worry, I emphatise, our situations do have a lot in common. Having said that, I do not have any real advice - I can only validate that the need to live together does come up; it's a main source of jealousy for me as well.

If Meta&Idealist had a child, I imagine it would depend a lot on my attitude. I'm not sure if I would be happy helping to care for said child - but if I would, agreements could probably be worked out. Of course, it also would depend on them.
I do recognize the idea that if there are children it's time to get "serious" (eg. monogamous), but I think many poly people don't have this urge or have worked past it. If your gf is happily polyamorous and isn't expressing such a concern righ now, I would believe her. It sounds like you have a good relationship, so hopefully she would tell you if she had a problem with being a polyamorous mother.

 

[GalaGirl]

I love what you said about loving someone 49% and myself 51%.

Keep that in mind. Your well being matters.

Are you currently in a poly relationship?

Before kids yes. Not at this time during active parenting/eldercare. All these people require time and energy. I don't have the energy to give to other people. Once this phase of life is over, then DH and I will renegotiate. That's our current agreement.

It is not that I'm pretending, though. We came to an agreement to not know about her other life so its kept away. Doesn't a poly relationship set rules as to how to workout the relationship?

There is no one way to "do" poly. I think each grouping has to figure it out for themselves.

If you want to be in a "very separate V" that is one thing. You just don't interact with her other partner much. But neither do you pretend he doesn't exist.

I try to make it believe as if that "other life" is nonexistent and that she's mine only.

To me this is pretending. If it wasn't for her... would you choose to be in poly arrangements? Or are you just doing it to be in her orbit? You don't have to answer than here. But could reflect on it as you do your soul searching.

If you think you might to better practicing a different model of poly where you are more involved in her family life and all parties agree to that? Then I suppose you could try that on for a while and see if that model is a better fit than the current one. But if it isn't better? Then you are back at square one. Still unhappy.

If you are in great distress now? I would suggest you stop putting energy into this and bow out now rather than later. Not put off a break up by trying new pretzel bending things.

How much distress is too much? Are you at the breaking point or past it? Only you can answer that question for yourself.

So I encourage you to do your soul searching and figure out what it is you want to be doing.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

A child is always a blessing.

That's a major symptom that your life (& apparently those of others in your community) is dominated by Romantic nonsense -- you know, like True Love, Life Partner, Soul Mate.

Romanticism is fine when it adds to a productive life based on rationality. However, it's often used as a substitute for rationality. And it's VERY difficult to rationally assist a relationship that is based on Romance, particularly if the relationship began from a flawed basis.

If I found myself becoming involved with someone who I discovered was being prodded by her family to spawn ASAP, that'd be an excellent cue for me to leave Stepford.

You are monoamorous, & seem to have no desire to change that. You also appear fundamentally monogamous. I can only see two outcome potentials, & I am entirely serious: (1) she dumps her husband, & the two of you will have to quickly move far away to avoid being publicly ridiculed & harassed on a regular basis, or (2) you will need to somehow "get right with" the poly thing, which will require not online advice but intensive therapy.

A third outcome would be to stop Romantically martyring yourself. Nobody's going to adore you for your sacrifices, however great. Either you enjoy the pain, or you want the pain to stop -- choose.

 

[sunray]

I do recognize the idea that if there are children it's time to get "serious" (eg. monogamous), but I think many poly people don't have this urge or have worked past it. If your gf is happily polyamorous and isn't expressing such a concern righ now, I would believe her. It sounds like you have a good relationship, so hopefully she would tell you if she had a problem with being a polyamorous mother.

I've been poly both before and after having a kid, and while it certainly had a big impact on my life and relationships, it sure didn't stop me from being happily poly. Having extra adults in the household in that first year of parenting was, as Polyglamorous suggests above, incredibly helpful. But for a partner not living under the same roof, it would feel very different--your gf is going to be busy and distracted to a degree even greater than if she were adding a third partner to her life! If you're still set up to be keeping separate from her 'other life' as you describe at that point, be prepared to lose a lot of time together, and probably focus as well, no matter how sincere her feelings--if anything, you may end up feeling jealous of the baby.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I get excited to know that there will be a mini her, I can picture that child extremely hyper and jolly. A mini her.

Mother Nature always has the last laugh and it's never more apparent than when we have children. You have no idea what's in store when a baby comes along - could be a medical issue, could be autism, could be super colicky, could be extremely quiet and needy, could be a boy. Actually, all babies are needy and an enormous time and energy suck, even the hyper and jolly ones. You've got a lot of romanticism going here, I have to agree with Ravenscroft.

If I have one bit of advice for you, it's LISTEN TO YOUR JEALOUSY.