Withholding informations during crises

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yoyot

New member
Hi,

I am in a poly relationship. We are quite fresh. We are dealing with the fact of being 4 months apart.

We had a quite big fight in the first month of being apart. My partner was not doing very well.

At that time, I was on holidays, and one night I ended up getting completely wasted and had sexual intercourse with a girl. I was allowed to do it, but it was not the right moment, in a way, because things weren't going very well.

Instead of telling her straight away, I kept the information to myself. We had agreed to tell everything, but a few days before that happened, I had told her I kissed that same girl, and that had a pretty negative impact on her mental health, adding to her stress. This probably influenced me to not tell her straight away, both because I assumed it would do a lot of damage to her, and she was not doing well at that time, and because I knew I made a mistake. I think I got scared of the consequences.

I've decided to tell her recently (1 month later). I know I broke the trust she had in me. But in a way, I still think that telling her straight away would have caused major damage. She was already having major stress for other reasons.

I feel like in both ways the situation is complicated. I also know my behaviour is wrong and I should have maybe not done that in the first place. I really love her. I'm trying to understand how to move on, and maybe understand how I could have done things better.

Thank you for your help.
 
I'm confused, did you already tell your partner, or not?

And what's going on with the other girl, was that it or is it a budding relationship?
 
Tinwen said:
I'm confused, did you already tell your partner, or not?

And what's going on with the other girl, was that it or is it a budding relationship?
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Sorry, my english is not the best.
I told my partner yesterday, a month after what happened and that's the issue,
She interprets it as cheating because not respecting what we agreed to.
I kissed the other girl a first time at a first party and then a few days later had a sex with her at another party. I haven't seen or even talked to her since or between the two parties. And she was aware I had a partner.
 
Well, what exactly was the agreement? You say "I am allowed to do that" (although it was bad timing).

Apologize, ask if there is something you can do to make it right for her or just help her feel a better and ask to clarify/renegotiate agreements for next time.
 
Tinwen said:
Well, what exactly was the agreement? You say "I am allowed to do that" (although it was bad timing).

Apologize, ask if there is something you can do to make it right for her or just help her feel a better and ask to clarify/renegotiate agreements for next time.
Click to expand...
The agreement was being allowed to meet who we want, but at the condition we tell everything to each other. This condition I didn't respect in the moment because of the difficult situation at the time, but telling later makes it feel like a lie.

So in a way, I'm wondering how to deal with telling everything if your partner is in a very low spot. Are there tips or a better way to deal with situations without making it feel as a lie or a break of trust?
 
Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I’m getting it wrong, ok?

You are in a poly relationship and are dealing with being apart for 4 months. The agreement is that both of you can see other people, even casually, and that you’ll “tell everything” about sexual health or changes in risk profile. There wasn’t a clear agreement about when to share that information.

You and your partner had a fight in the first month, and you went on holiday. You met someone at a party and kissed her, which you told your partner about — and it had a pretty negative impact on her. A few days later, you had casual sex with the same person. Because of how strongly your partner reacted to the kiss, you waited to share that part.

It was a one-time encounter, and you haven’t seen or spoken to that person since. About a month later, you told your partner about the sex. Now your partner thinks this broke your agreement and interprets it as cheating, even though the agreement allowed seeing other people and the agreement didn't have a timeframe for WHEN to tell.

It sounds like you made the call for when to tell because your partner was already under stress. You also told her before sharing sex again with her, so her sexual health or risk profile wasn’t put at risk.

At the same time, a month delay might feel like a breach of trust from her perspective. Strong reactions can make sharing more promptly difficult, which is something you both could explore together.

Have you talked about meta-communication — how you talk to each other and handle these conversations?

Your agreements might need refinement. What worked when you were local might not work while apart. You could add clear timelines for sharing — like within a week after new contact and definitely before sharing sex with each other again.

You acted under pressure, trying to balance honesty with care for her mental state. It may not have been perfect, but it doesn’t seem you intended to deceive or harm.

It might help to create a safer space for these conversations — so it works for BOTH.
  • You can share your updates honestly, and she can receive it without things escalating.
  • She can share her updates honestly, and you can receive it without things escalating.
Both of you are responsible for keeping the space safe.

Going forward, focus on WHEN to tell, HOW to tell, and HOW to listen, so both of you feel safe.

Galagirl
 
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yoyot said:
So in a way I'm wondering with how to deal with telling everything if your partner is in a very low spot. Are there tips or a better way to deal with situations without making it feel as a lie or a break of trust?
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Ask how SHE wants you to deal with similar situations in the future. That way you're not disrespecting any agreements.
If you feel like you would be adding too much to her load, it might be indeed be considerate to skip new connections. However, try as you may, you're not gonna always guess right on that.

It's also recommended sometimes to agree not to disclose detail, just a health update ("I had X partners, protection was used so and so.") before your next date.
 
GalaGirl said:
Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I’m getting it wrong, ok?

You are in a poly relationship and are dealing with being apart for 4 months. The agreement is that both of you can see other people, even casually, and that you’ll “tell everything” about sexual health or changes in risk profile. There wasn’t a clear agreement about when to share that information.

You and your partner had a fight in the first month, and you went on holiday. You met someone at a party and kissed her, which you told your partner about — and it had a pretty negative impact on her. A few days later, you had casual sex with the same person. Because of how strongly your partner reacted to the kiss, you waited to share that part.

It was a one-time encounter, and you haven’t seen or spoken to that person since. About a month later, you told your partner about the sex. Now your partner thinks this broke your agreement and interprets it as cheating, even though the agreement allowed seeing other people and the agreement didn't have a timeframe for WHEN to tell.

It sounds like you made the call for when to tell because your partner was already under stress. You also told her before sharing sex again with her, so her sexual health or risk profile wasn’t put at risk.

At the same time, a month delay might feel like a breach of trust from her perspective. Strong reactions can make sharing more promptly difficult, which is something you both could explore together.

Have you talked about meta-communication — how you talk to each other and handle these conversations?

Your agreements might need refinement. What worked when you were local might not work while apart. You could add clear timelines for sharing — like within a week after new contact and definitely before sharing sex with each other again.

You acted under pressure, trying to balance honesty with care for her mental state. It may not have been perfect, but it doesn’t seem you intended to deceive or harm.

It might help to create a safer space for these conversations — so it works for BOTH.
  • You can share your updates honestly, and she can receive it without things escalating.
  • She can share her updates honestly, and you can receive it without things escalating.
Both of you are responsible for keeping the space safe.

Going forward, focus on WHEN to tell, HOW to tell, and HOW to listen, so both of you feel safe.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
You got everything right, thank you for putting in the effort of understanding the situation (and my bad writing).
We have a Sunday recap routine going on so we tried to create that space but it's a written one, so maybe not the best for that kind of situation.
Your comment helped me a lot, thank you so much Galagirl


Report •••
 
It's also recommended sometimes to agree not to disclose detail, just a health update ("I had X partners, protection was used so and so.") before your next date.
Click to expand...

Tinwen is right to point that out.
  • How MUCH to tell so it is enough for sex health/risk profile basics without getting into oversharing/TMI details
So the updated agreements could include
  • WHEN to tell updates. Like within a week of new contact and def before sharing sex with each other again.
  • General HOW to tell /HOW to listen:
    • So you can share your updates honestly, and she can receive it without things escalating.
    • So she can share her updates honestly, and you can receive it without things escalating.
  • How MUCH to tell so it is enough for sex health/risk profile basics without getting into oversharing/TMI details.
Galagirl
 
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Hello yoyot,

Everyone makes mistakes, you recognize your mistake, and will no doubt do better in the future. As for not telling your partner right away, from your description that sounds like a gray area. Maybe in the future you'll tell her right away, you'll have to figure that one out. It sounds like your partner would have preferred to know about it right away, so in the future I guess you let her figure out how to manage the ding to her mental health.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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