Words of advice?

J

Jennifer09

New member
I have found myself in a very difficult situation. My husband and i opened our marriage and decided to have other relationships. After a few weeks, i felt like it was too much so i begged him to stop and he refused. Up until recently we have really only swung. We have an okay relationship...he is a great guy. Has done so much for me. We lack passion which is probably somewhat typical but its been an ongoing argument between us. I need words of affirmation etc... and he simply cannot or wont do it. He's more hands on... very helpful around the house and will do pretty much any thing i ask him to do. But, we also bring each other down in a lot of ways. We don't motivate one another to do better. If either one of us is tired, nothing gets done. We let ourselves go and it's frustrating. So, here we are with those things and we decided to date other people. I met this guy and I am in love with him. He makes me want to do better. We want similar things in life... he works a lot. So, unless we move in together, it's a challenge to see each other. We both see a future together. The problem is, he is not poly. He figured this out the hard way. I don't want to lose either one. My hubby wanted to separate last weekend and made some substantial financial changes without consulting me and has since decided to work on our marriage. But, it's hard for me to trust him now. He is still looking to rent an apartment so he can take breaks as he needs. I don't want to give up on my marriage unless it's the right decision but i don't want to lose my bf either.
 
Can you please clarify the timeline? I'm a little confused because
- a few weeks ago you wanted to stop poly and your husband refused (why? does he have other partners?)
- you have a boyfriend you don't want to give up
When did you meet said boyfriend?
 
Sorry. We opened our marriage maybe 4 months ago. 2 months into it, we have 7 foster kids and i am in school and i was overwhelmed so i asked to stop everything for a while. But he flat out refused because he was talking to someone that he liked. Just over a month ago, i met someone and we just clicked. I care about him a lot. Atm husband isn't dating anyone.
 
My advice. .. SLOW THE HECK DOWN.

You just meet your boyfriend a month ago. You do not knowanything about him yet. You have only seen his good side. Plus you are high on new relationship energy.

Why would you throw away your marriage over someone you haven't seen much yet.
 
I don't want to throw my marriage away at all and definitely not for another person. If he decidee to separate, i want to focus on me for a while and get to a good place for me. I would still like to date my bf but it won't be me leaving one for the other. I just feel really jaded about our marriage atm.
 
So the next think I don't get is why is your husband wanting to separate. Because of bf?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

In case it helps you see your post written as a bullet list... here's what I'm am hearing. I quote just to visually block the list off. You correct me if anything is wrong, ok?

My husband and I lack passion.
  • Its been an ongoing argument between us.
  • I need words of affirmation etc... and he simply cannot or wont do it.
  • We also bring each other down in a lot of ways.
  • We don't motivate one another to do better.
  • If either one of us is tired, nothing gets done.
  • We let ourselves go and it's frustrating.
  • We decided to date other people and open the marriage.
  • I got overwhelmed balancing kids, school,and open relationships and asked for a break, but he refused because he was dating someone.


Now I met a guy and hubby is NOT dating anyone.
  • I am in love with BF.
  • He makes me want to do better.
  • We want similar things in life.
  • He works a lot. So, unless we move in together, it's a challenge to see each other. We both see a future together.
  • The problem is, he is not poly.


My hubby wanted to separate last weekend.
  • Hubby made some substantial financial changes without consulting me.
  • It's hard for me to trust him now. I feel jaded about the marriage.
  • He is still looking to rent an apartment so he can take breaks as he needs
.
Click to expand...


Is this the case? If so...To me it sounds like Hubby has one foot out the door. I see that you don't want to give up on the marriage... but why? What does it bring you? You guys don't seem to bring the best out in each other. Are you wanting to keep participating in the marriage because it is something fulfilling or because it is habit?

If he decidee to separate, i want to focus on me for a while and get to a good place for me. I would still like to date my bf but it won't be me leaving one for the other. I just feel really jaded about our marriage atm.
Click to expand...

I think you answer your own self there.

I'm not saying the answer is to get move in with BF and get all deep in that. You don't know him that well, and if you've been starved for attention/affection from hubby you might have a skewed perspective on BF right now.

But maybe considering a separation from hubby to think things out wouldn't be a horrible thing? YOU could want the separation and suggest it.

Go ahead and get a separate apartment and be apart for a while and see what that is like. Focus on yourself. Date the BF and let that go slow, but mostly spend some time figuring yourself out and what it is you want in your life and what you do not want.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Jennifer09,

It sounds like your new boyfriend is a much better worker than your husband; that is, he works a lot, and he encourages you to work too. However, he is not poly.

Your husband wants to have separate domiciles so he can figure out if the marriage is what he needs. Meanwhile, you are having trouble trusting your husband.

To simplify things, I would break up with the new boyfriend, simply because he is not poly. I would also go along with separating from your husband so that the two of you can figure out if the marriage is what you need.

I think that these are options you do not want to investigate. You love your husband, you love your new boyfriend too. But, there are problems with both relationships.

I hope you can get things figured out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would be untrusting of someone who re arranges communal finances without consulting you. It sounds like there's one rule for him, as in he can date and another rule for you, as in he throws his toys out the pram and grabs the cash when you date. It's awful that he's doing this when there's seven foster kids in the mix! I'm so sorry you are in this position this can't be easy.
 
If you separate from your husband and one of you moves out how would the two of you handle the foster kids? Is your husband wanting to get away from childcare? Are you? Seven seems a heavy load for anyone let alone a couple having trouble emotionally supporting each other. Have you looked into counseling for one or both of you?

Have you gotten a satisfactory settlement of whatever financial shenanigans he pulled? If not you also have to work on setting up your own fiances so that he can't do that again.

You are in a tough spot and your brain is telling you that New Boyfriend will add to your stress list at this time, no matter how good and loving he is. Not to mention the load of issues you would bring to a man who is already over scheduled. Seeing if you can dial it back with him seems sensible to me. Get your emotional support from friends or maybe the counseling center at your college?

Leetah
 
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