Working it out. How I found out my boundaries.

M

Mythos

New member
Okay so this is my first post. I'll try to keep it short (probably won’t work, though).

My wife and I have been officially poly for a year. It started when she figured out that her feelings for a male friend of hers was more than just friends. Since that time, they have been together a few times. He lives rather far away, so it's pretty limited. Mostly they just text all day.

She also has a girlfriend whom she grew up with, but has only recently admitted to herself it is more. Again, a little far away, so only a little time.

We have a couple that we hang with. So far, we have been up once to see them and "have fun," but it'll probably happen some more.

As for me, I have not found a secondary yet. I have a male friend whom I have been with once, but it's not really my thing. It's fun, but not life-defining, if you follow.

So here's what happened recently. I started an OKC account to try to find some new friends and maybe more. Following my lead, my wife did too. I talked to some people, but nothing substantial. My wife, however, found a guy and started talking, and in about a week, they went on a date.

I felt some apprehension about it, but figured it was the same nerves I felt when the other stuff started and that it would pass like before. Then she came home from her first date and I found out she had slept with him... I kept telling her I was fine, and that I was just "putting it all together in my head," but for some reason I just kept sliding further down in my own head. Every bit of information pushed me a little further away from being "me."

I found out the sex was good... I freaked out.
I found out that sex is all he really wants... I freaked out.
I found out they were texting pics... Yeah, I freaked out.

I started to have panic attacks. I didn't know that was what they were, but when I finally told my wife she knew immediately. To her credit, she ended the relationship, as kindly as possible, and we deleted our OKC accounts. I was worried that I was really mono, but she pointed out that saying I was fine with her BF and GF and our couple friends (which is true) means I'm poly, I'm just not "open poly." I guess I have a problem with sex with strangers.

As soon as she ended the thing, I felt great. I was me again, for a while, at least. But the problem is now I keep backsliding. I know it's over and I know it didn't mean much, but I keep dwelling on it. I keep thinking stupid things. I worry that I'm being too needy and that I'll drive her nuts with it. So I decided to post here instead.
 
I'm sorry you are going through this, Mythos. It's not uncommon, at least. You are in good company. It's really hard to just drop everything you've ever known and just go with the flow. Some can do that in time, others can't. The journey is about finding the boundary of how much you are able to handle and be happy, and how much not. When that is discovered, you can be REALLY happy and healthy, but like everything in life, it's a journey of some hardship to find and stretch your take on relationships and sex.

The good news is that you know what isn't going to work for you, right now, or maybe even never. From your post I gather that:
  • you don't want to have sex with strangers.
  • you don't want your wife to either.
  • people who just want sex from your wife is a no-go for you.
  • and possibly for yourself too.

Might I suggest that you also learned that:
  • rushing into situations is not going to work for you.
  • not knowing your wife's partners might not work.
  • purely sexual relationships are not going to be what you are looking for.
  • and you would prefer your wife wouldn't look for that either.

This list is what I am gathering out of barely any info. I am assuming you will modify it to suit yourself. It might be a helpful exercise for the two of you.

Although your wife didn't cheat, by your definition, it does sound like she broke some major boundaries that perhaps weren't discussed or assumed. I think that is an excellent place to start in terms of re-building and healing from this. You might not see it as cheating, but the effects are the same. Take a look around here for threads that relate. I would suggest "cheating," "lessons," "foundations," "casual sex," and any others that you find by looking in the search engine.
 
Yes, it definitely sounds like the major issue here was sex without an established relationship, or at the very least, a friendship. You seem fine about the bf, the gf, and the couple. (After all, you know them and aren't threatened by them.) But this one guy, and how he and your wife went about things, was beyond your comfort zone. It sounds like eventually you let your wife know. The fact she broke it off is commendable. Hopefully, lesson learned about that approach and how it's a bad one.

Those lingering feelings are left over and it's something to work out...with time.

This is not the first time I've heard of a couple going poly and the wife having a way easier time finding secondaries. You seem to have to search hard, while she gets asked out left and right. That's not unusual for poly MF couples, sorry to say.

Concentrate on your needs and wants and try to keep a trusting line of open communication with your wife open.
 
The thing that I see here is that you were blindsided. You didn't guess that your wife might sleep with this guy so soon. If she had come back from the date and said, "Hey, I like this guy and I think I might want to get physical with him. What do you think?" you could have had time to process the idea, get used to it, and maybe say, "How about no sex until I meet him?" or whatever you may have needed to be comfortable. It may be that just her telling you first would have been enough to achieve that. But nobody likes to be surprised by something hard.

Next time, you guys will know better and can communicate more. In poly, I find it's a good practice to discuss ANY new step before it's taken.
 
Sometimes you don't know what you don't know until it happens. Kudos to you both for working through it.
 
Ooohhh...I instantly picked up on the "stranger" part and completely understand. If my husband doesn't know the person then he feels very uncomfortable. Very... I get it a hundred percent.
 
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