Working on insecurity/anxiety versus expressing wants/needs

C

Cleo

New member
Nonmonogamy has this tendency to shine a big bright spotlight on things that are not working or functioning very well, either in relationships or in the individuals who are in those relationships. For me, the biggest issue that keeps popping up is my insecurities, my need for reassurance and affirmation, and looking towards partners for validation.

It's something I've been working on most of my adult life and I've made tremendous progress. Don't think I would've been able to do poly otherwise. But I still struggle with it. It's ironic that most of my long term relationships, mono and poly, have been with men who are definitely not the lovey dovey demonstrative kind but more the "you know I love you why do I have to say it?" kind. Well maybe that is not a coincidence after all...

I see my current BF about once a week. Usually it's more once every 8 or 9 days though. We don't have a set date night, but plan according to schedule. (I would not want a set date night, I have a very busy social life and want to be free to plan things with other people whenever I want). We usually text daily, though often those are practical / funny texts, sharing things we've done or experienced, and not very deep conversations.

I've started to notice a pattern. After no 'live' contact for about 5-6 days, I get antsy, I feel a gap and disconnect. This is when I start fishing for reassurance, and will get upset when he doesn't respond promptly to messages (or responds, but not the way I would like him to respond).

My current reaction to my own uneasiness is that I should just suck it up, and work on being insecure and anxious, because a truly secure person would not need this much validation. But I started thinking about another scenario. Maybe 7 days of only digital contact is just to much for ME - regardless of me being an insecure person. I know that if we see each other, even briefly, where we can share a hug and I can look into his eyes, that I don't need the verbal reassurance. I just need some live contact. But I don't know how and if I should communicate this to him, because I am afraid of coming across as insecure - which would be true to a point, and he knows I have these issues.

Anxiety makes it hard to look at reality just the way it is. How do I separate my anxiety driven insecurities ("superficial texts for 5 days means he doesn't love me anymore") from legitimate wants that I have in a relationship ("I need live contact at least once a week or I start to feel a disconnect")? And how do I communicate this without coming across as needy and clingy, but just as someone stating a preference, wanting to see if partner can work with this preference?
 
I totally get where you're coming from, Cleo. A lover once referred to it as my "ticking clock," wherein after five or so days of not having any facetime/sexytime with a partner, I start to feel I'm losing the connection. Texting/messaging doesn't cut it for me. I'd struggle with only seeing someone once a week if I was into them.

I recently ended a 7 month relationship with a man with whom I clearly communicated with that I wanted to spend 3 or 4 nights a week with him on average, and not just on weekends. We were building a "primary" type relationship. I told him, honestly, that was what I felt I needed to stay engaged and fulfilled with him on that level. He promised he would do that, but never delivered, and seemed fine seeing me once or twice weekly. It wasn't like he has lots of pressing issues--he has a normal 40 hour a week job and no wife or kids, lives 10 minutes away. He just didn't want to spend as much time with me as I wanted. I couldn't stand my own feelings of rejection, and I felt better walking away from the relationship entirely than continuing to settle for less than I wanted.

The advice we'll hear is, of course, fill up your own life. Have lots of friends, social events, hobbies, projects, then you won't need to spend so much time with your lover(s). Truth is, I'd much rather spend time with a lover than do any of that stuff! I've been thinking I just need to match up with someone who is more similar in how much time they like to spend in their relationships. In other words, maybe my desire/need to have a lot of physical contact and quality time isn't a something that needs to be fixed, I just need to choose partners with a similar relationship style.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I agree with this labeling of it:

Maybe 7 days of only digital contact is just to much for ME - regardless of me being an insecure person.
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I also think at some point you need to stop labeling yourself "an insecure person." Get away from self evaluation like that. And maybe label yourself "person who needs live contact X days." That's more accurate anyway.

Having some needs doesn't automatically make you needy.

I don't know how and if I should communicate this to him, because I am afraid of coming across as insecure - which would be true to a point, and he knows I have these issues.
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I think you just communicate it to him plain because he's not a mind reader.

"Hey, been a while. Would you like to together for a quick 15 min coffee?" and just suggest a day in your window. (5-7 day window.)

Get away from labeling your need for live contact as "insecure" and focus more on the behavior you want -- the live contact.

Anxiety makes it hard to look at reality just the way it is. How do I separate my anxiety driven insecurities ("superficial texts for 5 days means he doesn't love me anymore")
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That's jumping to conclusions. Texts for 5 days just means texts for 5 days. Remember you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and EXPERIENCING some feelings. And IME, it's in that order. I could be wrong, but I am going to take a guess.

If it were like a slow motion movie... would it be something like this?

  • I feel lonely for live contact.
  • I see only texts for 5 days.
  • I THINK it means he doesn't love me.
  • As a result of thinking that he does not love me? Now I feel anxious.

If thinking he doesn't love you makes you feel anxious? You can learn to stop that thinking pattern. And move on to ACTION type thinking pattern. Like

  • I feel lonely for live contact.
  • I see only texts for 5 days.
  • I need live contact every 5-7 days.
  • I could ask him out to a quick coffee or something.

Alternately? You could ASK for a set date night that solves that 5-7 days live contact thing and try it on for while. See if it is worth giving up your social freedom a little bit so you spare yourself the anxiousness.

It's like you are so afraid of others labeling you as need and insecure when really YOU are the one labeling you so. Get away from those evaluations. I think they are bogging you down.

If this is this you need, this is what you need. If the other person cannot do it? They can politely say "I'm sorry. I cannot do that." Break up and let it go.

Do view it like you "failed" as a person somehow because "you are too insecure." But more like square peg/round hole. Just not compatible match. Both of you are still good people. Just that you don't have compatible styles.


Galagirl
 
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I need contact after 4 days hiatus, max. Physical contact. 3 days and I start getting antsy. It doesn't matter if I am off doing something fun, or they are, or if regular life is just getting in the way. I tell all of my partners this up front, and if they can't handle it, we're not together long. I need daily text messages too - it doesn't have to be significant, just check-ins to say hi. This is too high maintenance for some people, but that's ok. It's what it takes to be with me, and if someone says yes and then fails at it, it'll end quick. I had a boyfriend way back that put me through the wringer, promising every week that he'd make it work and he never did. I let it drag out for months because I was new to poly and in love. Silly me. I've not had this be an issue since - because I realize it's a seriously important issue for me, and if it's an issue in the beginning, it's best to let them go.

Don't worry about being labeled as clingy. The people that consider you clingy aren't good matches. There are guys out there who will line up perfectly with your needs. Just be up front about it and let them know right from the start.
 
A set date night is not going to happen - it's just something that really doesn't work for both our situations.

It's interesting how these 'ticking clocks' start ticking at very different intervals for different people! I would not want to spend 4 nights a week with him and I don't need live contact after 3 days. I guess BF has a clock too, it just starts ticking at a much later stage than mine.

Gala Girl, that is very helpful advice - to try and not label myself as insecure, but just expressing this need (I still hesitate to call it a need, because of course it's not a necessity, it really is a want / desire). I am seeing him tonight for a short date actually. I had sent a text this morning asking for a coffee date after work, he couldn't make that, but asked me over for a quick dinner later tonight.

I am wondering if I should bring it up as a meta discussion though and make him partly responsible for solving it... or just try this approach for a while, initiating short dates / meetings after 6 days or so?

When I think about it, it doesn't even have to be a coffee date. A while ago, I hadn't seen him in 7 days and was having drinks with a friend. When I left the bar I texted him to say goodnight and found out he was walking home not far from where I was at that moment. I went to meet him and we just hugged for not more that a couple of minutes and that was really all I needed. We live and work very near each other so even very short meetings are doable.
 
To me the need for connection is a legitimate need.

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

So much so that it has a LONG list.

You seem to be after some closeness/contact type connection.

That's a need.

I am wondering if I should bring it up as a meta discussion though and make him partly responsible for solving it... or just try this approach for a while, initiating short dates / meetings after 6 days or so?
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I'd just try the approach. Meet your own need for closeness/contact in the 5-7 day window by asking him out.

Because the "meta" to me seems to be you learning to stop second guessing yourself and just get it done. When you notice a need pop up? Address it directly and not get bogged down evaluating if it is "insecure" or "too needy" or whatever. Take more action, less overthinking.

That might help you let go of labeling you as "insecure person." Change it to "I'm a secure person. When I notice things popping up, I take action. That's HOW I stay secure."

Because I think when you label yourself as "insecure person" you get busy looking for evidence of that. Which is like taking an unnecessary side trip.

We live and work very near each other so even very short meetings are doable.
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Cool. So rather than set date nights, go for more contact in your window. So it's still flexible planning, but you are getting the "touch ups" you need.

Could tell him that -- you want to keep things flexible but are finding you do best with some live contact every 5-7 days. Could he be willing to do that? Then it's just something else to plan for along with the "long dates" you already plan for together.

It's all part of the "getting to know you and how you work" process. That's all.

Galagirl
 
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Wow, I really could have written a lot of this, so I empathize. AnotherArtist is great in person, but doesn't really do texts very much. We see each other on average every week and a bit, and I admit, the times where the gap is more than a week get *really* hard on me. I tend to not be very good at short meetings though, if I'm going to see someone I tend to want quality time (and sex, tbh). Maybe I would be better off working in more short visits, it might help.

And, too, I tend to start feeling neglected / anxious if TheKnight and I go more than 3-4 days without sex.

And I, too, WAY overthink whether I'm even *allowed* to have needs - mostly because I go into a loop of "if I ask for what is not freely offered it doesn't count", so if we don't match up, I either have to leave the relationship or just deal. I choose deal, but not always happily.
 
Hi Cleo,

I don't know any fancy tricks for sounding secure, so I would just say it plainly to your boyfriend: "I think I need to see you briefly in person in between our regular dates. Would you be able and willing?" If his answer is, "No," or, "That's too much," or something to that effect, then at least you know you asked, and you know what you're working with. And at that point, I would consider breaking up amicably. Unless some compromise can be reached, such as increasing date frequency to once every five to six days, perhaps with every other date being a "mini date."

To me those are reasonable propositions. But, I know everyone is different, so you'll just have to present the idea to your boyfriend and see what he says. Hopefully he'll think it's reasonable too.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Cleo said:
My current reaction to my own uneasiness is that I should just suck it up, and work on being insecure and anxious, because a truly secure person would not need this much validation. But I started thinking about another scenario. Maybe 7 days of only digital contact is just to much for ME - regardless of me being an insecure person. I know that if we see each other, even briefly, where we can share a hug and I can look into his eyes, that I don't need the verbal reassurance. I just need some live contact. But I don't know how and if I should communicate this to him, because I am afraid of coming across as insecure - which would be true to a point, and he knows I have these issues.
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I am quite insecure, but I certainly do not consider myself insecure because 2-3 days without my lover make me miss him greatly. Less then 2-3 times a week really doesn't work for us. We are on the same page here, so what?

Cleo said:
("I need live contact at least once a week or I start to feel a disconnect")? And how do I communicate this without coming across as needy and clingy, but just as someone stating a preference, wanting to see if partner can work with this preference?
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I think that sentence is perfectly fine. Do you have a reason to think he considers you clingy? If not, than the fear to ask is perhaps your insecurity ;)
 
It's very interesting to me that no one who has posted on this thread seems to think that wanting live contact after 6 days is a sign of unhealthy insecurities. I think I am so used to looking at myself as someone with anxiety issues, that I spend a lot of time holding this stuff in, out of fear of coming across as clingy and needy, and this seems to prevent me from just asking for things I would like to happen.

I find it very hard to ask for things I want (in personal relationships - you should see me in stores or restaurants - there I have no issues at all to be very critical and very vocal about what I want). It all comes down to fear of rejection I guess - not asking means there is no chance of having to hear a 'no'.

I am going to try this new approach - asking for brief meetups in between 'real' dates) and see how it goes.
 
Re:
"I am going to try this new approach -- asking for brief meetups in between 'real' dates -- and see how it goes."
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Sounds like a good idea.
 
Just wanted to chip in and say that I really appreciate the replies. As someone who has issues with perceiving myself as anxious or needy, it hs really opened my eyes to honoring my needs and being able to communicate them, be proud of them and look for people who are compatible with them.

I also just ended a relationship with someone who I believe is a covert narcissist and who reacted to the expression of needs as a burden. Not knowing whether I want to pursue poly or mono relationahips, it also makes me see poly in a different light, where people can establish constructive communication around needs rather than holding differing needs as grounds to look for other people and ignore those needs.
 
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