Working through and learning to voice my own needs

[Katya]

Hi all

I have been relatively new as poly (2-3 years really although considering for about 11 years) . I am married to a man and did have a gf (who was also married to a man) - not sure of the term for that shape of a relationship.

At first I think I was just keen to experience being open with anyone and mostly with a female due to my bisexuality and coming out a little later in life.

My gf has moved into the more swinging side of things and I feel now that I was just another "experience" to be had rather than a person with feelings and emotions.

I ended things when I was told that she was moving into swinging - not because I was jealous - although that was what she thought. But it was because she told me but said "I didn't have to tell you - it has nothing to do with you".
I was under the impression that the relationship was closed other than all those involved and aware but to hear that she would have opened it from closed to other sexual partners without at least a conversation or heads up made me realise I was in our "relationship" for a relationship with care, respect and communication as well as sexual intimacy and she did not seem to be in it for the same reasons.
She responded that she was looking for occasional meet ups but in between to go back to our lives and families and she wanted nothing more complicated than that.

Well unfortunately I am complicated, a messy ball of emotions (that I work through) and human so I declined the offer to continue the relationship on that basis.

I now realise I need more...I am happy to stay married to my husband and perhaps not have another poly relationship unless it fits and I know now (roughly) what I am looking for.

One question however - I feel that I need love (or at least it seems as it to be heading in that direction) to be intimate with a partner and I know many people can have sexual partners without emotions involved. I'm personally not about the hook up - although I don't judge those who are.
Is this foolish of me? Am I asking for too much? Would this scare off any potential new partners?

 

[GalaGirl]

I was under the impression that the relationship was closed other than all those involved and aware but to hear that she would have opened it from closed to other sexual partners without at least a conversation or heads up made me realise I was in our "relationship" for a relationship with care, respect and communication as well as sexual intimacy and she did not seem to be in it for the same reasons.

I would want a heads up conversation too. I don't think you are "complicated" for wanting to be able to give continuing consent from a place of full info. It would be troubling to think she would have gone head without making all her sex partners aware of her new sex practices/partners.

One question however - I feel that I need love (or at least it seems as it to be heading in that direction) to be intimate with a partner and I know many people can have sexual partners without emotions involved. I'm personally not about the hook up - although I don't judge those who are.
Is this foolish of me? Am I asking for too much? Would this scare off any potential new partners?

YOU decide what you are looking for and what your personal standard for dating is. Why would it "scare" anyone? They get to have their own personal standard. That's fair.

If anything, it lets you weed out who is initially compatible and who is not faster by stating up front what it is you like and hope for and what you don't like and don't want.

They can also say what they like and hope for.

That's what the dating process is FOR. To sort out initial compatibility, and then as you get to know the person, deep compatibility.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

Demisexuality is quite common.

You know what you need and are not willing to compromise that. Sounds pretty healthy to me.

 

[SlowPoly]

...I declined the offer to continue the relationship on that basis.

This is integrity and being good to yourself. Awesome job.

I am happy to stay married to my husband and perhaps not have another poly relationship unless it fits and I know now (roughly) what I am looking for.

It’s all about learning, better and better, and as we change, what we want. You seem to be doing so well.

One question however - I feel that I need love (or at least it seems as it to be heading in that direction) to be intimate with a partner and I know many people can have sexual partners without emotions involved. I'm personally not about the hook up - although I don't judge those who are.
Is this foolish of me? Am I asking for too much? Would this scare off any potential new partners?

Your wants aren’t foolish. I think *many* people prefer to have sex with people within a caring emotional relationship. Being upfront about that preference might scare off people who aren’t interested in a hook-up, and it might weed out people with whom you don’t have emotional chemistry early on, and that is all to the good.

IMHO, Sex isn’t something to seek *despite* your other values and wants. It’s only serving your happiness if there’s congruity with the rest of who you are. For some people, that means a casual connection (or even anonymity) is all they require to enjoy some kinds of sexual contact. For you, you need more. Me, too. I own that and enjoy the journey.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Kat,

I think you'll find that there are a lot of people out there who, like you, need love/emotions involved to be intimate. And even if there weren't, you wouldn't want to date the "hookup" people. That wouldn't serve you well, it wouldn't make you happy. So no, you are not asking for too much. It is okay to be who you are.

That was crazy that your ex-girlfriend didn't think it mattered whether she told you about her pending swinging activities. That has to do with sexual health! Anyway, I'm glad you are more aware now of your wants and needs.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Sentinel]

Hi Katya

What a beautiful post, and welcome to the forum.

There's this wide gulf between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. My experience at least is that sometimes those that crave physical intimacy do not also crave emotional intimacy. Two people can meet in a bar and have great sex, and do the same the next night with another. Love builds over weeks, months, years, decades.

While I don't put a lot of stock in taxonomies, I would say it's actually pretty hard to find someone you are physically attracted to (and reciprocated by) and emotionally supported (and care to support in reply). After years of marriage, most of us are attracted to our partners more by their wisdom, ethics, intelligence, and shared experience more than physically. Either physical or emotional intimacy is pretty good, but both together is pretty hard to find more of and emotional intimacy alone seems harder to find than physical.

I think those that have great primary relationships sometimes find the dating market fatuous, if not ridiculous. I'm not sure I have advice, beyond echoing that I too have found it that way. If you want sex, there are lots of options; if you want monogamous emotional intimacy, there are lots options; if you want polygamous intimacy, you may need to accept their are few people you meet that want that, or else decide to get out there and meet lots of people (or join a local polyamory group, I guess, though that's not my scene).

 

[Katya]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

It is a little daunting trying to just navigate dating as a poly person when I'm not used to it.

For clarification I do not believe I am demisexual as I can certainly feel sexual attraction without feelings being involved. I just choose not to act on them as I am looking for more than that. This is definitely a choice for me unlike my orientation of bisexuality.

I do think I will try to get involved a little with poly meet ups if I can manage to find some here in the UK that I can attend.

Again thank you all for your replies - sometimes it can be good to hear other points of view (perhaps that is mostly if they agree with our own!!). It is encouraging to hear that there are others in the poly community that will be also looking for more than just a casual hook up - this gives me hope that one day I may be able to find that deep compatability that GalaGirl mentioned (my tummy did a little flip when I read that phrase for some reason - as that is exactly what I am looking for in the future)

 

[kdt26417]

I hope you'll find just what you're looking for ... I think you will!