Working up the courage to ask

[Emjay]

if Steve would consider opening our marriage. We've been mono our whole lives so it's a new concept fot both of us. We've had our ups and downs over the years like everyone. Our relationship this past year has been happier and stronger than it has been in years. But I feel selfish asking this of him.

We've discussed the theory of poly relationships but I've never said I want one because I'm scared of ruining what we have. He feels it would be too complicated to have an open marriage. He also feels that one or both if us having another partner would take away the special bond we have.

Anyway, I guess I could ask him to just consider it at this point. I'm expecting weeks or even months of talking and reading about it before he makes a decision. I just hope it's not a flat out refusal to even think about it. Wish me luck.

 

[sunray]

Good luck, Emjay!

It sounds like you're planning to take things slow and give your husband a lot of time to process this new possibility--that's a very good idea.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I've never said I want one because I'm scared of ruining what we have.

There's an old, old story about a woman carrying a basket of fertile eggs, who daydreams how these are going to lead to a flock of chickens & a nice income selling chickens & eggs, & (distracted) she drops the basket & breaks them all. Hence the saying, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

To change tracks only slightly, I had a friend who met a dog, a Malamute, & decided she too needed to have a Malamute. She shelled out at least a thousand dollars for a puppy. Bit by bit, she discovered how much that breed NEEDS to run -- NOT an urban apartment dog -- AND eat (top-line high-protein food), not to mention avoid heat (80 F is considered crazy hot for the breed). She gave the dog away before it was two years old.

In like manner, you cannot KNOW that you "want" nonmonogamy until you have first-hand experience with it. You can want to try, you can even feel that it's imperative to make the attempt. Everything else is maybe "Harlequin Romance poly."

He feels it would be too complicated to have an open marriage. He also feels that one or both if us having another partner would take away the special bond we have.

It is indicative that you use "feel" only twice, in both cases to refer to Steve's doubts.

Maybe things won't be "TOO complicated" but they most assuredly WILL be MUCH MORE complicated -- you understand that, right?

Will it end your "bond"? Possibly; maybe even likely -- are you willing to intentionally gamble that away?

You seem to be saying that you're dead set on pursuing other sexual partners, Steve be damned, & you're only going to restrain yourself for a few "weeks or even months." Is this what you meant to indicate?

 

[GalaGirl]

We've discussed the theory of poly relationships but I've never said I want one because I'm scared of ruining what we have. He feels it would be too complicated to have an open marriage. He also feels that one or both if us having another partner would take away the special bond we have.

To me it sounds like you already have your answer. He's not up for it.

I guess you could ask anyway ... to see if that's a hard limit like no, NEVER.

Or if it is a soft limit -- like not at this time because X is sucking up a lot of time and energy already. (ex: work, parenting, other obligations, etc.)

Or to reach greater understanding -- like you want to know what "special bond" means to him.

Or so he can reach greater understanding of you and what you think about things.

We've discussed the theory of poly relationships but I've never said I want one because I'm scared of ruining what we have.

Why would being honest with your partner "ruin" things?

You guys don't want to share mental or emotional intimacy? He doesn't want to know your deep thinks or deep feelings about stuff in life? Or you don't want him to know those things about you?

Is it that you fear something else?

I guess what I'm saying is think it out before going there.

Galagirl

 

[Voyager]

You seem to be saying that you're dead set on pursuing other sexual partners, Steve be damned, & you're only going to restrain yourself for a few "weeks or even months." Is this what you meant to indicate?

That's not what I saw at all. The original post said that they expected "weeks or months of reading and talking before he even makes a decision." In other words. they're not trying to hurry him into an answer and would not only be comfortable with, but expect, that if a 'yes' answer comes at all, it would only come after weeks or months of processing.

That doesn't imply that they expect that 'yes' to come at all, and it certainly doesn't imply that they're going to go ahead and take other partners whether or not the 'yes' ever does come. It only suggests that they don't expect him to say 'yes' on the spot, even if perhaps someday he could.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Emjay,

Have you talked to Steve yet? If so, what did he say? I was wondering how things were going.

Good luck, in any event.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.