Worried that I might not be cut out for this.

P

polyconflicted

New member
Jealous feelings are cropping up already and we haven't even started seeing others. We both agreed we're open to it if it happens but it's not a priority.

I feel silly for this, but here it goes. We went to a gaming meetup together and on the walk home he was commenting on a girl we met and spoke to briefly. He was referring to her as the "really hot girl" and some other compliments and I said,"I think she's one of the most beautiful women I've seen." He said dreamily,"Yeah she is." and went on to say things like, "She has this quiet sex appeal." "She seems very interesting, I wish I had chatted with her a lot more." He had spent the entire night talking to me so what I HEARD was,"I can't stop thinking about how amazing she is. Now I wish I spent less time talking to you and more time getting to know her." I'm aware that it's the jealousy talking. But it could also have truth to it.

Later on, a girl on group chat was asking everyone,"What is that beautiful girl's name? The cool girl with the Southern accent? Love her!" He replied to her jokingly,"You can't love her, I loved her first!" and I even felt jealousy reading that.

I wouldn't expect him to think I'm the most interesting, most beautiful woman he's met, but for some reason it feels bad to hear all those things coming from his mouth about someone he is likely to meet again, especially while we were spending time together. (Though when else can he express these things to me?) I haven't communicated any of this to him, figured it's for me to deal with and it's better to get outside opinions rather than subjecting him to this. He told me he can imagine himself having a threesome but not dating her. He doesn't know her yet so I don't see why he wouldn't change his mind later. I feel bothered by the whole thing and I don't feel like I have a right to.

Does my reaction mean I'm not cut out for poly? Part of me thinks that open relationship or not, that was kind of tacky of him to go on about her like that. Maybe a combo of both. Or do seasoned poly folks hear their partners talk like that all the time about other potentials and are not bothered whatsoever? Maybe I'm just not cut out for it but I don't know what's normal. Thoughts?
 
We never really got the chance to test this theory, but when my wife and I were considering an open relationship, we both kind of saw our would-be individual dates as being something we could talk about without really making each other jealous. I think, for me, sort of the appeal of being open is that you're such good friends with your spouse/partner/primary that you can be that open about it without too much fear that you'll offend them.

Rather than focusing so much on what you could lose, you think of the fun new experiences you each will be having and how you can share new stories with each other. The relationship would be so solid that you both just sort of assume you'll come back to each other without thinking about it. I don't know if this actually works in practice, but it seems like it should.
 
It's not about what is or should be normal, it's what works for you. My husband DarkKnight doesn't mind listening about a crush or an interest I have, but my husband PunkRock really doesn't want to hear about it. So, I moderate sharing. Tell your husband you don't want to hear every little thing.

That said, I do think if you are on a date with someone, it is rude for them to go on about someone else. Excessive comments is something he should put the kibosh on with you. It's ok to tell him he needs to discuss his attractions with someone else because it makes you uncomfortable. Yes, he will have attractions, but you aren't necessarily the best person to share them with. If you are reading his comments online, well, that's on you to decide to continue to be a part of this group if you can't handle seeing what he writes. You could ask him to stop that, but I personally would feel like that is overstepping. With that instance - you are the one with the issue, so your behavior should change, not his, in my opinion.
 
If you don't want to talk to him about beautiful women, don't tell him you agree they are pretty. It may seem as you are comfortable talking about a small crush or that you even share it.

Me and the boyfriend still talk about the sexy dancers we saw in a nightclub last year. We can share that easily because I am also attracted to women and yet neither of us are interested in pursuing more partners.

Me and my husband also enjoy talking about people in a casual way. Should he seem extra interested in one person I might be upset, because he has a history of chooosing badly matched partners.But we always liked to share and he knew I liked my now boyfriend even before I realized myself.
 
Hi polyconflicted,

It's early days. Really. Very, very, very, very early days!!

What you are experiencing is entirely normal and to be expected for the vast majority of people who explore poly for the first time. Remember that emotions are basically just like red flags popping up to caution you of possible threats to what you have learnt/been taught security is about. Most of us grow up thinking that monogamy is the way to go, and so of course any deviation from that at a later point is going to instill a sense of panic.

Later on, a girl on group chat was asking everyone,"What is that beautiful girl's name? The cool girl with the Southern accent? Love her!" He replied to her jokingly,"You can't love her, I loved her first!" and I even felt jealousy reading that.
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I would have felt the same way when I first became poly!

I wouldn't expect him to think I'm the most interesting, most beautiful woman he's met, but for some reason it feels bad to hear all those things coming from his mouth about someone he is likely to meet again, especially while we were spending time together. (Though when else can he express these things to me?)
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You are both going through a transition towards being more open, and you are both exploring how to communicate that to one another. Whilst, in the past, you may not have had to deal with one another talking about attraction to other people when spending quality time together, there is now this new construct in your relationship that exists when you're spending time together.

I feel bothered by the whole thing and I don't feel like I have a right to.
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You have a right to feel however you feel. There is no logic to emotions - they are the exact opposite. Just because you've theoretically consented to an open relationship, it doesn't mean that you will feel entirely great with the reality of it. Especially at first.

Does my reaction mean I'm not cut out for poly?
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No. :)

Honestly, I was exactly like this at first. I became poly four years ago, when I met my partner. We both explored the idea for pretty much the first time together and, so, it was pretty messy! My partner used to say things like "I just want to rip his clothes off and f*ck him senseless... there's this raw, animal lust between us..." when she would talk about a certain partner. She'd say similar things about others. I could also be pretty insensitive too, but in other ways. For instance, my partner still teases me that I said something wistful about another woman shortly after my girlfriend proposed to me.

We also then both went through a long phase of UNDERPLAYING our feelings, even to the extent of denying them to ourselves, in an attempt not to over-alarm each other.

You will eventually find out whether or not poly is the route you want to go down.

For me personally? It's been four years and what used to break my heart now barely has a pinch of impact. I used to become extremely distressed when my girlfriend was on a date with someone new, for instance, but now I actually welcome the alone time!

These days, I don't look at myself as 'cut out for' poly, nor for monogamy. I'm just in whatever situation I choose to be in and make the best of/give my all to that situation. I'd offer the same advice to you. Give yourself time to explore these feelings.

Part of me thinks that open relationship or not, that was kind of tacky of him to go on about her like that.
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Yes, it is a little. However, at the same time, I believe it beats the alternative of him doing the opposite and completely concealing his feelings. It shows you that he wants to be authentic and open with you. The delivery could just use a little fine-tuning. Also, as someone else suggested, you may want to consider being less open yourself if you don't wish to encourage him.

You can also talk to him and say that you do want to know when he's attracted to someone, but you're having some pangs about the other night. Be real and vulnerable with him, without laying the blame on him. Own your own stuff, but be honest?

Or do seasoned poly folks hear their partners talk like that all the time about other potentials and are not bothered whatsoever?
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Whilst there are many things that *used* to bother me that no longer bother me much, there are of course still some difficult feelings. I still find it difficult to see my partner hold hands with someone else, though not as difficult to see her kiss someone goodnight, for instance.

When it comes to her talking about other partners, I've learned to understand more about who my partner is as a person and adjust my perspective accordingly. For instance, she's ALWAYS used words like "super intelligent" "super funny" "super sweet" "incredibly charming" "tons of fun". She's ALWAYS rambled on about new people. I've learnt that she exaggerates, that she feels passionately about people at first, and that there's nothing to be threatened by. I've also realised that she'll call literally anyone who flatters her and can string a sentence together "incredibly intelligent". These days, I just laugh, haha.

So, there's that too: start to learn how your boyfriend generally speaks of others and give yourself time to adjust. Don't try to eradicate your feelings - honour their existence, acknolwedge that they are there, try to find the root cause (not 'my boyfriend is attracted to someone else' but more like 'I fear losing him', 'I fear change', 'I fear not being the centre of his universe'), and then wait it out until the emotion passes.

Finally, in terms of how we both talk about other people now that we're four years in... It depends. Most of the time, we make an effort not to moon about others too much to the other. We keep the descriptions briefer but still try to be truthful and accurate about our feelings. So, if we see/meet someone we like, we say something like "I'd kind of like to date him/her". If we're dating someone and it's going really well, we'll say "It's going well so far" (not "I love XYZ about them"). The only time this changes is if I have a crush on someone unattainable, like one of our daughter's teachers or something similar. The unattainable factor seems to have the same effect as, say, talking about a crush on a celebrity. I have a huge crush on my daughter's gymnastics teacher, for instance, and my girlfriend happily teases me and listens to me ramble on about it when I've been around her. However, this also comes from four hard years of building a lot of trust: she realises that even if I ever dated this person, it wouldn't change what we have.
 
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Hi polyconflicted,

Re (from OP):
"Part of me thinks that open relationship or not, that was kind of tacky of him to go on about her like that."
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Yeah I think he went a little too far. Maybe it's too soon for NRE but pre-NRE seems to have gotten the best of him.

Glad to hear you're feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi polyconflicted,

Re (from OP):

Yeah I think he went a little too far. Maybe it's too soon for NRE but pre-NRE seems to have gotten the best of him.

Glad to hear you're feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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He was talking about her like it was love at first sight. Yet when I asked if he wanted to pursue her, he insisted he has no interest in dating her. And that he can find women appealing without wanting to date them. His reaction seemed weirdly defensive so I'm a little worried that he's not being totally honest. He doesn't know that I've felt insecure though. I played it off like I was totally cool with everything. Fake it until you make it.
 
I have been in a poly relationship for a year, and I still get a bit jealous and weird feelings sometimes when my partner talks about others that he is dating or finds attractive.
My feelings about it depend a lot on the situation - if we are on a date and I feel like he isn't being very attentive to me, it'll bother me a lot more if he goes on about how beautiful some other woman is. If we have been spending some nice time together and feel connected with him, it bothers me much less. We're still figuring out exactly when, how much, what kind of discussion of other people we're interested in is appropriate and makes us both feel good.

I do have to remind myself of a few things - he is just a very observant guy, who really finds a lot of women attractive and interesting. Just because he thinks someone else is sooooo funny or has really hot legs, doesn't mean that I'm not funny or that I don't have hot legs. It's harder if it is a quality that I am more self-conscious about.

I don't think there is any such thing as but "cut out" for poly. I think you just have to want it, and be willing to work on the skills to do it well. I don't want to control my partners' sexuality, time, energy, etc. I want them to be autonomous beings, so I will be poly and do what I need to improve at it all the time. That doesn't make it easy for me, and it doesn't feel like it comes naturally, but I'm dedicated to it as a relationship philosophy and will continue practicing it regardless of who I am in a relationship with.
 
He doesn't know that I've felt insecure though. I played it off like I was totally cool with everything. Fake it until you make it.
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I would HIGHLY suggest being truthful with your partner. Part of having a successful poly relationship is being open and honest about your feelings. Otherwise, you are expecting your partner to mind-reader you. If you have more issues later on, it will seem like completely out of the blue to your partner, because you never mentioned anything before. Don't fake anything. Be truthful and honest and open.
 
Bluebird said:
I would HIGHLY suggest being truthful with your partner. Part of having a successful poly relationship is being open and honest about your feelings. Otherwise, you are expecting your partner to mind-reader you. If you have more issues later on, it will seem like completely out of the blue to your partner, because you never mentioned anything before. Don't fake anything. Be truthful and honest and open.
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Yeah, there are many areas of life where 'Fake it until you make it' is a good idea. Poly isn't really one of them. I agree with Bluebird to tell your partner that you are 'faking it'.

That said, but...

Your partner probably doesn't need to know each and every time you had a twinge of insecurity, of jealousy. He needs to know you feel insecure and a bit about why. And he needs to know this, and you need to tell him, even if it's not something he can fix. That can be very hard - to tell a partner a difficult thing about oneself and not expect or even want them to fix it. Or want to fix it beyond doing what he can do (reassure you, continue to demonstrate his trustworthiness, not dish about every hot girl he sees to you:)). Insecurity is often an inside job that must be resolved by the person experiencing it.

So do tell him. It's important. Silence (in this case) won't kill you but it might kill your relationship. However, be honest AND judicious in how and when you tell your truths. Sometimes how something is communicated, and not the what, makes all the difference in how it is received.
 
Perhaps

It's possible you're not cut out for polyamory - ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone.

If you're really questioning whether you can handle it, I'd say your gut is trying to tell you something. I quickly scanned some of your older posts and it does seem like poly hasn't really worked out for you. Maybe it isn't the right approach for you, especially if you're feeling jealous when nothing's happened yet, in a fairly new relationship. I think you guys might need to discuss things more, and give yourselves some time to really figure out if poly is a fit for the two of you. And it's okay if it isn't!
 
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