I, like many of you, I suspect, have managed to work myself into a very complicated situation. I have no community, as I've only been at this a short time and I live in the midwest, so I'm desperate for a bit of perpective.
I'm 33, and I identified as straight until I was 32. I have been married to my husband, Solon, for almost three years, we've been together for almost 10. We have a wonderful relationship, we are very open and honest with each other, we are great life partners, and we have a lot of fun together. The only part that we have struggled with was sex. I've always been skittish and shy about it. I've had good periods, but it was never something I enjoyed much. It's important to him, but he stuck with me, even through a years-long dry spell.
I met Rose shortly after I had first met Solon. They had dated in high school. She and I immediately hit it off and have been friends ever since. Some of those year were turbulent, but we became close, run a business together, and spend a lot of our time together. Rose was married to Zach, a person I had always had trouble with but dealt with for her friendship.
A year and a half ago, Rose and I realized that we were attracted to each other. This was less of a shock for her, as she as previously identified as bi, but a big change for me. Solon urged me to explore, and while I, who was raised in a conservative religious family, initially rejected that, my curiosity got the better of me. Zach was harder to get on board, but eventually he did and, Rose and I embarked on what we naively thought would be a physical extension of our friendship. We fell very deeply in love, and I also learned that I am not "not a very sexual person." I am queer.
To abbreviate some of this, the initial few months were hard. After about six months, Zach and Rose decided to get divorced. Our relationship did not help the situation, but it was not the cause of their divorce. They had always had a turbulent relationship. Rose and I stayed together, now in a V with Solon.
Solon had initially hoped that we would become a triad. I did not blame him, I had entertained the thought, but Rose made it clear she was not interested. This was for many reasons, but she also at this point decided that she was not particularly interested in men, and especially not interested in being "annexed" into our marriage. Once Solon finally internalized that, things got very rocky with he and I. We struggled with our poor sex life, with his need for primary status, and came very close to divorce. Through counseling, we were able to work it out, and we are on solid ground now.
Rose and I are struggling more than ever. It's been a year and a half, and we still care about each other very much, but Poly wasn't a destination for us, it's more of a circumstance in our lives.
She struggles very much with closeting. My parents and immediate family know, and they are not supportive. They tend to just act like it's not happening. They've only known for a few months, so I am trying to be patient, but my large extended family does not know, and neither do my professional contacts, so I am still semi-closeted. In addition to the stigma around poly, most people do not know that I am queer, so it's been a tough process for me. Most of our close friends know, and even a lot of extended friends. I have lost a few, but most are supportive.
Rose has come to a point in her life where she doesn't want to be in situations where she has to be in the closet. This is hard for me. I understand that she wants to be in a normal relationship, and not feel hidden, but I am trying to do things as fast as I can, and I feel a lot of pressure. I don't feel comfortable leading with being poly, I prefer to come out more gradually. We also struggle with scheduling, with how much time we have together (I am with her three nights a week, Solon four, but I see her more than that), and feeling "less than" because Solon and I are married and live together. It's a lot to contend with. I know that she would not choose poly. She's trying to make it work with me, trying to see if we can make it work. She is not currently dating, because things have been so unstable, but I am open to her doing so, though very nervous.
I am concerned about how my life can fit together. Solon and I are not looking to divorce. He and I have talked about his dating, but he has chosen not to at this point. I love having Rose in my life. For a while, just after things were very rocky with Solon and I, we talked about working toward communal living. Rose is pretty resistant to all of that right now, and their once very close friendship has grown distant. I do not want to be in a V with partners who don't have a friendship. I don't expect them to be lovers, or even best friends, but right now there seems to be resentment and little trust. I know that it's really not my choice at all, except to appeal to them or try to make it work on my end and hope things work out.
I just feel like have no direction in my life, I don't know where we are all going, and everything feels very separate right now. I feel like a child of divorce, always running to one or the other and trying to comfort partners and put out fires, and I know I can't live like this forever. I need stability.
Rose and I are fighting so often. We are both hurt and scared. We love each other very much. To look at it from the outside, I feel like I sound insane, or naive, or selfish. I would love to hear from people who have dealt with similar situations. I'm happy to answer questions. I am open to criticism, though hopefully you can be kind about it.
I love both of my partners completely. Solon is my partner, my rock. He's dependable and steadfast. He is my family. Rose is a part of me, she lights me up. She leads me on adventures, shows me life through a beautiful, wondrous lens. She is my spirit.
Any advice you can share will be beyond appreciated.
Ella
I'm 33, and I identified as straight until I was 32. I have been married to my husband, Solon, for almost three years, we've been together for almost 10. We have a wonderful relationship, we are very open and honest with each other, we are great life partners, and we have a lot of fun together. The only part that we have struggled with was sex. I've always been skittish and shy about it. I've had good periods, but it was never something I enjoyed much. It's important to him, but he stuck with me, even through a years-long dry spell.
I met Rose shortly after I had first met Solon. They had dated in high school. She and I immediately hit it off and have been friends ever since. Some of those year were turbulent, but we became close, run a business together, and spend a lot of our time together. Rose was married to Zach, a person I had always had trouble with but dealt with for her friendship.
A year and a half ago, Rose and I realized that we were attracted to each other. This was less of a shock for her, as she as previously identified as bi, but a big change for me. Solon urged me to explore, and while I, who was raised in a conservative religious family, initially rejected that, my curiosity got the better of me. Zach was harder to get on board, but eventually he did and, Rose and I embarked on what we naively thought would be a physical extension of our friendship. We fell very deeply in love, and I also learned that I am not "not a very sexual person." I am queer.
To abbreviate some of this, the initial few months were hard. After about six months, Zach and Rose decided to get divorced. Our relationship did not help the situation, but it was not the cause of their divorce. They had always had a turbulent relationship. Rose and I stayed together, now in a V with Solon.
Solon had initially hoped that we would become a triad. I did not blame him, I had entertained the thought, but Rose made it clear she was not interested. This was for many reasons, but she also at this point decided that she was not particularly interested in men, and especially not interested in being "annexed" into our marriage. Once Solon finally internalized that, things got very rocky with he and I. We struggled with our poor sex life, with his need for primary status, and came very close to divorce. Through counseling, we were able to work it out, and we are on solid ground now.
Rose and I are struggling more than ever. It's been a year and a half, and we still care about each other very much, but Poly wasn't a destination for us, it's more of a circumstance in our lives.
She struggles very much with closeting. My parents and immediate family know, and they are not supportive. They tend to just act like it's not happening. They've only known for a few months, so I am trying to be patient, but my large extended family does not know, and neither do my professional contacts, so I am still semi-closeted. In addition to the stigma around poly, most people do not know that I am queer, so it's been a tough process for me. Most of our close friends know, and even a lot of extended friends. I have lost a few, but most are supportive.
Rose has come to a point in her life where she doesn't want to be in situations where she has to be in the closet. This is hard for me. I understand that she wants to be in a normal relationship, and not feel hidden, but I am trying to do things as fast as I can, and I feel a lot of pressure. I don't feel comfortable leading with being poly, I prefer to come out more gradually. We also struggle with scheduling, with how much time we have together (I am with her three nights a week, Solon four, but I see her more than that), and feeling "less than" because Solon and I are married and live together. It's a lot to contend with. I know that she would not choose poly. She's trying to make it work with me, trying to see if we can make it work. She is not currently dating, because things have been so unstable, but I am open to her doing so, though very nervous.
I am concerned about how my life can fit together. Solon and I are not looking to divorce. He and I have talked about his dating, but he has chosen not to at this point. I love having Rose in my life. For a while, just after things were very rocky with Solon and I, we talked about working toward communal living. Rose is pretty resistant to all of that right now, and their once very close friendship has grown distant. I do not want to be in a V with partners who don't have a friendship. I don't expect them to be lovers, or even best friends, but right now there seems to be resentment and little trust. I know that it's really not my choice at all, except to appeal to them or try to make it work on my end and hope things work out.
I just feel like have no direction in my life, I don't know where we are all going, and everything feels very separate right now. I feel like a child of divorce, always running to one or the other and trying to comfort partners and put out fires, and I know I can't live like this forever. I need stability.
Rose and I are fighting so often. We are both hurt and scared. We love each other very much. To look at it from the outside, I feel like I sound insane, or naive, or selfish. I would love to hear from people who have dealt with similar situations. I'm happy to answer questions. I am open to criticism, though hopefully you can be kind about it.
I love both of my partners completely. Solon is my partner, my rock. He's dependable and steadfast. He is my family. Rose is a part of me, she lights me up. She leads me on adventures, shows me life through a beautiful, wondrous lens. She is my spirit.
Any advice you can share will be beyond appreciated.
Ella
