Would like some advice

[Muirinn]

Hi everyone,

I am very new to polyamoury and would like some advice.

I am in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. The relationship first started as a hookup relationship with the husband. Him and his wife are swingers and I met him through the kink scene. He and I are in a Daddy/babygirl dynamic and our relationship has very strong D/s elements.

His wife got involved because she was not happy with the fact that him and I had become so close. She told me that she was nervous of our friendship. She got to a point where she wanted him and I to only have a relationship that involved her, but we comprised by having a relationship that involves her and him and I still having our dynamic in our own space but she is always aware of the time that we spend together.

I have been upset the last few months because I am not allowed to spend a night alone with him anymore.

As his wife has become more and more involved I feel like she is creating a situation where the inevitable result will be one where I only can see him while she is there and I think that what she actually wants is a situation where I come over to play maybe a few times a month and that will be the extent of our relationship. While this has not been expressly stated, it feels like this my relationship with him has become marginalized by her demands on him. He went from having a lot of free time to his wife filling up his weekends and nights with dinners, outings, etc.

I soon found that I went from seeing him several times a week including a lot of the weekend to being lucky if I saw him for a few hours a week. When I see him now it’s lots of sex for the few hours we are together and then he just goes. It leaves me feeling used and incredibly lonely. He never stays over and he doesn’t stay late anymore. The entire time we are together his wife will text him a lot and he refuses to put his phone on silent and focus on me which hurts me a lot because I feel like I never get to see him.

His wife has set parameters around our relationship and restrictions which I feel are very unfair. One of those restrictions is that he could no longer tell me that he loved me which broke my heart. I have told him several times that I did not consent to his wife putting boundaries on my relationship with him and that I am not submissive to her, so it feels as though I am being forced into a D/s relationship with her that I have not consented to. Additionally, the conversations happen between them and I am never involved. I only find out things through him and often times his behavior changes with me because of a conversation that they have had but I have no idea what’s happened because they never involve me. When I raise this he always finds a way to make me feel like I am upset over nothing.

For months I have expressed that I am lonely and that this is very hard on me. I tried several times to meet other people and would like to find a partner who is affectionate and can spend a night with me. I feel as though him and her are in a relationship together and get to spend most of their time without me, so I should be able to meet other people to spend time with and this should not be a threat to my relationship with them. My Dom says he has no issue with this but every time I start talking to someone I find that his behavior becomes jealous and possessive. Several times he has harassed the person I have spoken to or met. It gets to the point where I just drop everything with the new person because I do not want to hurt my relationship with my Dom or be involved with drama and the other person ends up bailing. Even when I am not talking to anyone else or I am going out with friends he will make comments that insinuate I am talking to someone else or going out to see someone else. If I am out with friends he will keep prodding as if he is expecting to find out I am actually out with another guy. It really upsets me.

When I call him out on it he insists that he is not jealous or possessive and that he is happy for me to meet other people and carry on a relationship with someone else, but without fail every time I try to meet someone else his behavior makes me end it very quickly.

When I have expressed my feelings of loneliness or my wants to spend at least one night a month with him to his wife or try to ask for a clear understanding of where I stand with them it always causes a fight and they both will attack me out of nowhere. She always raises the fact that he is a married man but I don’t understand why this matters because I am of the understanding that he is in a polyamorous relationship with me and I don’t think that his marriage should mean that I am sidelined and am only allowed to see him a few hours a week or that his marriage should mean that I do without.

I have been very open to his wife being a part of our relationship and have spent nights with both of them and instead of going out with just him, she now comes too. I have tried to spend time a lone with her but she only seems to want anything to do with me when he is with me. Sometimes I feel like she is only involved with me because it allows her to be more in control of him.

He is very different when she is there. He doesn’t kiss me, hold me, show affection – it pretty much just feels like we are mates. When we all have sex together it feels 100% different and also vanilla (well as vanilla as a threesome can be). I want to play with her, I want us all to be intimate together but it feels like he pleases her, then he moves to me, and then he goes back to her with her pleasure and happiness being the ultimate concern for all of us. It doesn’t feel like we are all in it together and it's a very hard thing to explain. I would love for it to be all of us together but it just feels incredibly awkward and it doesn’t feel like she is actually bisexual. I slept at their place one night and she just kept staring at me all night, it made me very uncomfortable. I go out of my way to spoon her, pleasure her, touch her etc but it does not go both ways.

I want time alone with him because we have a very strong D/s dynamic both mentally and physically that goes into the closet when she is around. Despite this, it feels very much like our relationship is moving into a position where ultimately I will not be able to be with him unless she is there. It also feels like he treats me like I am in a relationship but when I am around her I feel her impression is that I am just a plaything.

I have asked to be able spend at least one night a month with him. When I raised this with her she told me that I was putting my relationship with him above their marriage and relationship with one another. None of this makes any sense to me. I consistently feel like she refuses to accept that I am in a relationship with him, and her. I do not feel as though she accepts that I have wants and needs and that I am suffering. I keep being made to feel like I am an object and it hurts.

When I ask if they see me as just a plaything, she will not respond and he tells me that I am wrong to think that. He always says that he loves me and that I am his and if I am just patient and wait that we will get to spend more time together but at this stage I feel as though I am being led on and all of this feels wrong. I am even more upset because I feel like I have embraced his marriage and his wife, and would love to move to a point where we could all live together and I could have a strong independent relationship with her but she doesn’t appear to be on the same page as me. When I try to seek clarity with her she gets upset with him, he gets mad at me and then she ignores me. She recently told me to stop talking to her and that she will communicate with me through him. It all feels incredibly wrong but when I raise issues I consistently am made to feel like I am crazy or being troublesome. I am a very honest person and I feel as though I get punished for seeking clarity or honesty.

I need advice because this is not what I thought polyamoury was about and I am hurting a lot. I feel like I consistently sacrifice my wants and my needs for the benefit of their marriage and there is only so much I can handle. When I ask for honesty about where I stand and where this is going I am consistently told that I will get what I want if I am patient, but at this stage it feels like I have gotten to a point where I have sacrificed everything I want and I have nothing left to give.

I find that I cannot control myself around him and that when I try to stick up for myself and state exactly what I expect from all of this that I am not allowed to have a voice or I am made to feel selfish or wrong for expressing my needs. Sometimes I don’t know if that is true or if I am right to feel how I am feeling. I don’t understand what is happening but I imagine that people who are familiar with polyamoury would be able to help me figure out what is going on here so that I can understand my situation better with a view to stopping the pain and confusion I have been feeling.

 

[Emm]

If it was me, I'd unceremoniously break up with the wife, and if hubby raised a stink or expected me to obey rules I'd not agreed to he'd be gone too. Assuming it's not as part of your D/s thing, why are you tolerating these toxic people in your life?

 

[vinsanity0]

You are right. That is not what polyamory is about. Since you seem to understand this is bad behavior, and you seem to have communicated your concerns, I'll get straight to the point. Dump him.

Look at what you are doing. You are throwing away what could be some good relationships. He harasses them and then lies to you about his feelings. He lets his wife control your relationship, and probably lies about that too. If I was a submissive woman I would question whether or not I could trust a Dom who behaves like that. You certainly can't trust him with your heart.

The next time he says you just need to be patient, tell him to come back when he has worked out this stuff with his wife. Maybe you will have time to pursue something with him then. If you stay with him he will eventually fall from the tightrope he is performing this balancing act on.

 

[Muirinn]

Thank you - thank you for taking the time to read what I didn't realize was a very dense post and thank you for your advice.

I have been made to feel at every turn like there is no problem and whenever I raise concern or question anything I have been made to feel like I am causing problems where there are none. I have had no one else to speak to about this except them and I was made to believe that I was wrong. Because of my lack of experience and how gradual all of this evolved to this point I doubted myself and what I was feeling. I cannot explain it but they made me believe that I was crazy and that I was wrong. I don't know how.

He has a lot of control over me and it's hard to break that.

To have my thoughts validated means a lot to me. I feel like it's given me some of my power back

 

[Emm]

I have been made to feel at every turn like there is no problem and whenever I raise concern or question anything I have been made to feel like I am causing problems where there are none.

There may not be a problem from their points of view, but it sure as hell sounds like there's a problem from yours. If they're not willing to make any concessions for your comfort and well-being then you need to ask yourself if what you get out of the relationship is worth the price you pay and which it seems they have no intention of reducing.

Earlier you said something about wifey being upset that you put your relationship with hubby above her relationship with hubby, with the implication that you're bad for doing so. On the contrary, you should place your relationships higher in your list of priorities than you place the relationship of others. You're not an extra in the story of their life; you're the main character in the story of yours.

 

[Muirinn]

I guess that's the issue. I don't know what concessions are normal to make and what ones aren't. Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal what they expect? Is it wrong what they expect? These are questions I don't know the answer to I have never been in a poly relationship before nor have I been in a relationship with anyone whose married.

 

[Becca]

It's important to recognize that, while she is the one asking him to limit his time and energy with you, he is the one who has chosen to do so. He is the one who is failing to meet your relationship needs, while sabotaging your dates with potential new partners. Why waste any more time with him?

There is no reason at all, it sounds like, for you to be in a relationship with the wife. It doesn't sound like you're hot for her, or that you even like her, or that she likes you.

Since he is only available on a very limited basis, ask yourself-- do you want an occasional part time relationship with him? If so, is he capable of stepping back, and letting you date and look for the supportive relationship(s) you need, to feel fulfilled? If not, then he just doesn't sound like a good match for you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I need advice because this is not what I thought polyamoury was about and I am hurting a lot.

I am sorry you hurt.

If being in this relationships hurts you? STOP being in it. Keep it way simpler on yourself.

Her possessive weirdness and efforts to take up all his free time and shut you out? That's her deal, not yours.

His inability to say "No" to his wife who fills up his calendar for him rather than him doing his own time management? That's his deal not yours.

You choosing to stay in something that feels yucky to you? THAT is your deal. You could attend to that.

In your shoes? I would break up with both. And move on to date other people who are more compatible.

I feel like I consistently sacrifice my wants and my needs for the benefit of their marriage and there is only so much I can handle.

You could stop putting other people ahead of you. You could put YOU first. Not in a selfish memememe way, but in a self care way. "Is what I'm doing taking care of me so I can be healthy?"

How would you answer "I sacrifice my wants and needs for the benefit of their marriage. Is what I'm doing taking care of me so I can be healthy?"

I imagine you would answer "No... I'm not taking care of me here."

You take care of you first and THEN you can gift your help to others. Then you are not burning out. Right now? You are burning out. Neglecting your own self while overgiving to them.

When I ask for honesty about where I stand and where this is going I am consistently told that I will get what I want if I am patient, but at this stage it feels like I have gotten to a point where I have sacrificed everything I want and I have nothing left to give.

All the more reason to bow out. You are bone dry.

I find that I cannot control myself around him and that when I try to stick up for myself and state exactly what I expect from all of this that I am not allowed to have a voice or I am made to feel selfish or wrong for expressing my needs.

This is a healthy person to be around HOW?

Sometimes I don’t know if that is true or if I am right to feel how I am feeling. I don’t understand what is happening but I imagine that people who are familiar with polyamoury would be able to help me figure out what is going on here so that I can understand my situation better with a view to stopping the pain and confusion I have been feeling.

To me it sounds like your first attempt at poly was with wonky people. Unfortunately, that happens. Not everyone you will date is going to be healthy. It's through dating them and getting to know them that you get a true picture of how they are.

These people do not sound healthy and they try to play mind games on you.

You are not wrong to feel how you feel. This is poor treatment. Get yourself out. You seem to see it clearly enough:

When I ask if they see me as just a plaything, she will not respond and he tells me that I am wrong to think that. He always says that he loves me and that I am his and if I am just patient and wait that we will get to spend more time together but at this stage I feel as though I am being led on and all of this feels wrong.

You do not "feel" it. Through direct observation, you see the hinky going on. It is not all in your head. You are NOT wrong to think that. YOU SEE IT HAPPENING.

You ARE being led on by the husband, and the wife DOES view you as just a plaything.

This is not the situation for you. Get out.

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

Muirinn, your "daddy" is a bloviating wuss. Every time you've accepted one of his (increasingly lame) excuses, he's only gotten whinier.

First, stop waiting around: it's a loser's game. Stop being convenient. Go find other play-partners.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Muirinn,

Re: the husband (of this married couple) ... please, please, please break up with him. He says things will get better, but I don't believe him. And the way things are right now is totally unacceptable. He says one thing, and then does totally the opposite. He says he loves you, but then treats you like an object. He says he doesn't mind if you seek other boyfriends, but then he treats you (and them) awful when you try. He is not honest. Not to be trusted. His wife is acting terrible too, but ultimately the husband is choosing his own actions.

Both the husband and the wife want you to feel like you are in the wrong, whenever you try to discuss your concerns. They want you to feel like you are crazy, for having concerns. You are not in the wrong. You are very much in the right. You are not crazy. You are observing reality. But this couple may drive you crazy if you keep trying to cater to them. They don't deserve your tender efforts. Don't waste any more of your time on them. There are better people out there who will love you for real.

I am assuming, of course, that you are to a large extent venting, that this couple has good points you haven't mentioned, and of course that you love them very much. But even if that's true, your description of them is way off the charts. You are suffering, and you have done nothing wrong. If anything, the only wrong you have done is to subject yourself to their terrible behavior. Please don't subject yourself to that any longer. Please, please, please break up with both of them.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Emm]

I don't know what concessions are normal to make and what ones aren't. Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal what they expect? Is it wrong what they expect? These are questions I don't know the answer to I have never been in a poly relationship before nor have I been in a relationship with anyone whose married.

I doesn't matter if it's "normal" or "right", or "expected" (and, FTR, it's not); the question is whether it's behaviour you want to accept in a romantic relationship. Slapping a poly label on abusive behaviour doesn't give it a free pass. When it comes to how people treat you, nobody gets to define "acceptable" other than you.

 

[Muirinn]

Thank you everyone for your replies and comments. It has been very hard because I have no body to speak to about this relationship as it's non-vanilla I almost feel like I am in the closet because I don't have anyone in my life I am comfortable speaking to about this who I can be honest with, without fear of judgment. It has left me dealing with some pretty poor treatment completely alone and feeling extremely vulnerable.

After formally requesting a night alone with him (of which I have been able to do twice in 6 months and both times in secret) the couple turned against me and accused me of trying to sabotage their marriage with the wife leading the charge.

From that point I broke up with her and then for days he tried to force me to apologize telling me that I should do it because it would mean a lot to him and I am his submissive so I should do things I don't want to because it would make him happy. His wife is not bisexual and I find her utterly disingenuous - there is no way I want a relationship with her anymore.

I repeatedly refused to apologize for ending it with her and said I would not reengage in a relationship with her so he chose to berate me by text message and it appears things have finally ended because I am now receiving the silent treatment. Needless to say my heart is broken and I feel incredibly foolish for ever believing that I was more than just a plaything to them. I have been reading a bit about couples privilege lately and unicorn hunting and I can see a lot of their relationship and how they treated me in the things I have read.

 

[vinsanity0]

Wow that guy has a lot to learn about both poly and D/s. Sorry you had to go through that. This is often the plight of the unicorn.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I will preface this by saying that the couple does not sound like the nicest people but I think some of what you have said does show some areas which you could perhaps address differently from your perspective.

I am in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. The relationship first started as a hookup relationship with the husband. Him and his wife are swingers and I met him through the kink scene. He and I are in a Daddy/babygirl dynamic and our relationship has very strong D/s elements.

So you started with a casual NSA/hookup relationship with a swinger and then you committed to an intense dynamic. How much was the wife involved in consenting to this shift in her relationship? Did you find out how she felt about the increasing commitment and depth in your relationship?

soon found that I went from seeing him several times a week including a lot of the weekend to being lucky if I saw him for a few hours a week.

So from wife perspective, she consented to a swinging relationship with her spouse, you started hooking up with him and it progressed until he was spending several days including weekinds away. To me, that's neglecting his marriage and is not sustainable, as you went on to find out.

His wife has set parameters around our relationship and restrictions which I feel are very unfair. One of those restrictions is that he could no longer tell me that he loved me which broke my heart. I have told him several times that I did not consent to his wife putting boundaries on my relationship with him and that I am not submissive to her, so it feels as though I am being forced into a D/s relationship with her that I have not consented to.

It sounds like she tried to reinstall the boundaries she initially agreed to: swinging boundaries. Hook up boundaries.

Additionally, the conversations happen between them and I am never involved. I only find out things through him and often times his behavior changes with me because of a conversation that they have had but I have no idea what’s happened because they never involve me.

This is possibly what happened to her and how she felt when you and her husband steamed ahead into a level of relationship she had not consented to.

It gets to the point where I just drop everything with the new person because I do not want to hurt my relationship with my Dom or be involved with drama and the other person ends up bailing. Even when I am not talking to anyone else or I am going out with friends he will make comments that insinuate I am talking to someone else or going out to see someone else. If I am out with friends he will keep prodding as if he is expecting to find out I am actually out with another guy. It really upsets me

.

I'd suspect he has guilty conscience because he knows he betrayed the trust of his wife by slowly and non-consenually breaking down the boundaries around their relationship. He knows he can't be trusted and cannot trust anyone else.

When I have expressed my feelings of loneliness or my wants to spend at least one night a month with him to his wife or try to ask for a clear understanding of where I stand with them it always causes a fight and they both will attack me out of nowhere. She always raises the fact that he is a married man but I don’t understand why this matters because I am of the understanding that he is in a polyamorous relationship with me and I don’t think that his marriage should mean that I am sidelined and am only allowed to see him a few hours a week or that his marriage should mean that I do without.

I understand that you had a certain level of access to your partner and that was changed BUT number 1) it isn't okay to continue asking for something after you've been given a no. That makes you harassing and not respectful of consent. And number 2) polyamory doesn't necessarily mean you get as much depth in a relationship as you like. For some people, Polyamory means they get to see additional partners once a month or a few times a year. It doesn't necessarily mean you get half the time, or even a third of the time. That depends on how the people involved construct their relationships and the rules and boundaries they have. You aren't entitled to anything anyone isn't willing to give you. Of course, you can and should find people willing to give you what you need.

I think most of these problems stemmed from NRE, assumptions and a failure to discuss expectations and boundaries.

 

[Muirinn]

Hi SeasonedpolyAgain

I think you raise some good points but I would like to address some things within your post because I don't think that some of your comments relate to my situation. I never continued anything with them when I was told a no.

When the relationship shifted from their swinging to poly him and I were allowed to have a D/s relationship and she knew about it. At some stage she decided she wasn't keen on not being involved at all which I was fine with because I had told my Dom that I wasn't actually super comfortable with not actually talking to her about what she was comfortable with and I was curious to involve her from the start but she had not been interested. When the shift happened to get her involved I was actually super keen. He loved her, I loved him, and I was really eager to explore this. I did not see her as a threat, I was excited that it meant that I could be a part of their life together and it meant I would get to know him in a way I couldn't before.

As soon as I met her I had a conversation with her and told her that at any point if she was uncomfortable then things wouldn't proceed. I told her that I was happy to work within her boundaries if she was unsure. I was consistently told that things were okay, that she was happy, that she was keen for this to develop this way and that she was supportive and interested in being my friend and seeing where things went. She told me that she was getting used to him and I having alone time and that it was hard for her to get used to not being with us if we were together but that she wasn't setting a boundary that we couldn't be together without her. Essentially I was being told one thing but something else was happening altogether and it was progressively getting worse and worse. Each time I confronted it with my Dom he essentially gaslighted me and ultimately I felt as though her only interest in being involved stemmed from a place of jealousy and that she had no interest in actually being in a relationship with me which hurt a lot because I grew to love her and had a lot of affection with her. My Dom led me to believe we were in a full blown poly relationship and that she was loving it but as time went on it couldn't have felt further from the truth.

After my time with him started to dwindle and continue to dwindle I finally had to tell my Dom that I wanted to be able to spend a minimum of 1 night a month with him, ideally 2 because I felt that this was reasonable given that he clearly didn't want me to be with anyone else and it only seemed fair if he was essentially requiring me to only be in a relationship with them and no one else. He told me that it would happen but months later I was still waiting. I reached a point where I was not happy with 2-4 hours a week where I was left feeling like a toy and I was not allowed to have a relationship with anyone else. He said things would be different and months later they were the same or worse. I was gut wrenchingly lonely and felt that it was only fair that they be honest with me about where I stood and where this was going and what their expectations were. At no point was I ever told no. At no point did anyone ever say 'here is a boundary respect it'. I was always gaslighted, that there were no issues or that things would happen and after being led on for half a year I was at my breaking point with loneliness.

The other day I finally decided that I should just have a conversation with her. There was clearly a problem and no one was telling me about it. Perhaps she had a different expectation of how things would or should go than what I had. Perhaps she didn't realize the extent of our relationship or that I wanted more time with him alone. So the other day I thought there was no harm in just touching base with her and seeing what her expectations are so that I could make an informed decision about whether or not I wanted to continue this and if so, if we could negotiate what a continued relationship would look like.

I shot her a quick text which is usually how we chat just asking her if she was comfortable with me spending one night a month with him. It was literally a "Hey [Insert Name]. I would really like to spend a night alone with [insert name]. Do you think that this is possible? Is this a no go area for you?" and then I touched base to let her know I felt like maybe we were on different pages because we hadn't talked about these things before, and I was really keen to communicate with her because without us communicating it was very easy to be on different pages which I didn't want. She told me never to message her again so I told her that I was really bummed out and would respect her wishes. At which point I started receiving abusive texts about how I see my relationship as far more superior than her relationship with him and then he started attacking me for talking to her and they both went nuts. I had no idea that trying to get a clear idea of what my relationship was and what it could be would descend into madness. Essentially I felt like I was never allowed to have informed consent in the relationship because no one was being honest with me.

I gave up most of this year and did everything they asked and required of me. Every time he told me to be patient I said "okay Daddy I trust you" and I did trust him implicitly. I did anything that he asked and waited patiently. When things didn't change I would tell him that I was struggling and he would assuage my concerns but it was all a lie to keep me around.

 

[FallenAngelina]

From that point I broke up with her and then for days he tried to force me to apologize telling me that I should do it because it would mean a lot to him and I am his submissive so I should do things I don't want to because it would make him happy.

This guy was about as good at D/S as he was at poly. All is not lost, though, and the time was not wasted. This relationship will serve you in the long run because you have learned so much about what is not acceptable to you and you'll be able to see more clearly what you do want going forward.

If you do opt for another D/S dynamic, please be aware that "do things I don't want to do because it would make him happy" is NOT what Dom/Sub is all about. Yes, the Sub takes the active service role, but it is actually the Dom who serves the well being of the Sub at all times. The Sub's growth and well being is the center of the relationship, not the Dom's desires and whims. That's what many people do not understand about this type of kink and why many people judge it to be harmful. In a good, healthy D/S relationship, the Dom nurtures, protects and strengthens his/her Sub. All tasks, requests and limit stretching is done with her well being in mind first and foremost, not the fulfillment of his desires. Yes, that becomes part of the dynamic, but the Sub's growth and well being is the central focus of the purpose of this kind of relationship. Whether you choose poly or mono, understanding the hallmarks of a healthy D/S dynamic is essential for you if this type of kink relationship speaks to you and you want to try it again some day.

Fetlife is a good place to meet experienced Subs who can model healthy ways that all of this plays out. There are also some very experienced, healthy, caring Doms there (most are older and more mature) but I'd recommend that you start out by connecting in some of the groups with the Subs. Many are open to individual online mentoring and you can certainly interact with them in the groups and learn a tremendous amount.

 

[Becca]

I'm so sorry these people turned out to be such jerks.

If you ever feel drawn to that sort of relationship structure (dating a couple, or dating a man who is married to someone else, a "V"), keep in mind that there are a lot more of them looking for a girlfriend, than there are people like you. You can be picky. You can set limits and discuss expectations.

That's also true if you choose to date monogamously, and look for a D/s power dynamic. There should be NO power dynamic in place when you discuss the relationship structure, negotiate boundaries, etc., and only inexperienced and/or manipulative Doms will try to push for one.

Take some time for yourself, though, to heal from this shitty situation.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel a bit better for airing out some.

FWIW, as painful as breaking up with people can be, I think you are best off without them. This guy was NOT a good Dom or good at Poly.

Now you know to trust yourself more and what to look for when you date in future and what to look for if you want to pursue another D/s situation.

This stuck out for me:

It has been very hard because I have no body to speak to about this relationship as it's non-vanilla I almost feel like I am in the closet because I don't have anyone in my life I am comfortable speaking to about this who I can be honest with, without fear of judgment. It has left me dealing with some pretty poor treatment completely alone and feeling extremely vulnerable.

Isolating the person is something abusers do so they cannot go get a different perspective or help. There's nobody to say "Hey, that sounds weird... that's not right." There's nobody to say "Hey, you need to leave. I can help, you can crash on my sofa."

I think maybe during your healing time you could work on making friends who you can be yourself with. Build your support systems, attend some munches or round tables -- to make kink friends you feel ok being "out" to. Not to date. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hey there Muirinn,

Even though I suggested a breakup, I'm very sorry that it happened. That is a painful thing to go through. I hope that in the future you'll know that you deserve to be treated better, and won't settle for less. You are free to date people now, you don't have to answer to the husband of that couple.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[KC43]

Polyamory does not automatically equal "marriage comes first." In fact, for many people, it doesn't mean that at all. While there are some couples who will place their marriage above any other relationships, that only works if the parties who aren't involved in the *marriage* agree to it.

You haven't agreed. They are making rules for you and are not giving you the opportunity to speak your mind or give any input into them. His wife has decided that he has to put their marriage above his relationship with you, and he has agreed to her demands. You've been left out in the cold; you either take what you get or you end the relationship.

I'm with the others in this thread who have advised you to end the relationship.

Completely aside from your D/s dynamic, consider whether you're happy with the way things are. No matter how much you love him, is it worth being treated like a wind-up sex doll? Because it sounds to me like that's what they're doing to you. You're there as a sexual outlet, and you aren't being permitted any thoughts or feelings of your own when it comes to the relationship.

You deserve to be in a loving, mutually respectful relationship with someone you can trust and who places equal value on you. You aren't in that relationship right now.

EDIT: Sorry... I didn't realize there was a second page of comments when I posted this. I'm glad you got out of that situation, and I hope you find a less toxic one in the future. I'm leaving my post because it might benefit others at some point.