Would you leave or stay if your partner fell in love with someone they were unwilling to give up? I have now had to let them start dating again under strict rules because everyone was so depressed and I felt like I had lost my husband more. I don't want polyamory anymore but he wants us both. I don't know what to do. I want to stay but I don't want him dating her.
Would you leave or stay
- Thread starter Kittykate
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Inyourendo
New member
I would leave. You are pregnant with a toddler, now is not the time for this mess. Like I suggested before, i would stay with your family until he is able to secure a home for the two of you.
Since it is already crazy poly hell sounding in your other thread? And he refuses to hear you or work with you? If it were me?
Before I make him aware of my plan to move out? I would seek advice to protect myself and kids financially. He is behaving petulantly. Nothing says he wouldn't continue and could shut me out of our finances in retaliation. So before letting him know I would see how to secure my share of the finances first. Possibly open a separate account and transfer funds over to tide me over in case he does pull a jerk move. At least then I would have money for tickets to my family. Then I would make him aware of where I stand.
I would let the cards fall where they may. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
It stinks, but there it is.
You cannot make him start behaving in honorable ways and treat you with respect.
You can only choose how you want to behave. YOU treat you with respect.
I am very sorry you deal in this.
Galagirl
Before I make him aware of my plan to move out? I would seek advice to protect myself and kids financially. He is behaving petulantly. Nothing says he wouldn't continue and could shut me out of our finances in retaliation. So before letting him know I would see how to secure my share of the finances first. Possibly open a separate account and transfer funds over to tide me over in case he does pull a jerk move. At least then I would have money for tickets to my family. Then I would make him aware of where I stand.
- I would say I am not up for participating in polyship with him when he neglects our marriage.
- Short term: I am making him aware that I moving in with a friend / then on to my family to leave this house of wonky dynamics.
- Medium Term: I want a separation of X months. I want to organize the finances so we can lead separate lives while I have the baby in peace without living in wonky. So far I have taken X funds to fly me to family. We need to sort finances out beyond that point.
- Long Term: On X date he can contact me if he wants to continue to separate and discuss divorce terms or if he wants to try to repair. If I have not heard from him by X date, I will contact him myself to tell him if I want to continue to separate or try to repair.
I would let the cards fall where they may. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
It stinks, but there it is.
You cannot make him start behaving in honorable ways and treat you with respect.
You can only choose how you want to behave. YOU treat you with respect.
I am very sorry you deal in this.
Galagirl
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If he wants you both, he has to be able to be there for you both in the ways that work for you. So far it sounds like he's not able to do that. He's not there for you in the way you need for your relationship with him to be worthwhile, so to my mind, it makes sense that rather than stay there and be miserable, you should move out and move on. Take control over the situation in the only way you can, by removing yourself from the drama.
Since you can't move out immediately, I would forget 'strict rules' and all the stuff that goes with that. Let them do whatever the hell they like with one another - it's not your concern anymore. It's just going to push him (and her) further away from you, and by making that attempt to engage with him and his other relationship, you are holding onto some false sense of being able to control him to get what you want. You can't. He has to be coming to you willingly, and he's not, and that hurts. I echo what others have said, in that I'm sorry you are having to go through this with him now of all times.
Tell them that you can't stay in the relationship anymore. Find out if he still wants to be a parent to his children, and a friend to you in that process, or not. Make the arrangements with your friend to move out as soon as you can, and do it. Contact your family, and make sure they are up to date and can start making preparations for you. There's every chance that he will come to his senses at some point during this process, but don't count on it. Treat it like the real break up it is, and don't settle for less than you need.
Since you can't move out immediately, I would forget 'strict rules' and all the stuff that goes with that. Let them do whatever the hell they like with one another - it's not your concern anymore. It's just going to push him (and her) further away from you, and by making that attempt to engage with him and his other relationship, you are holding onto some false sense of being able to control him to get what you want. You can't. He has to be coming to you willingly, and he's not, and that hurts. I echo what others have said, in that I'm sorry you are having to go through this with him now of all times.
Tell them that you can't stay in the relationship anymore. Find out if he still wants to be a parent to his children, and a friend to you in that process, or not. Make the arrangements with your friend to move out as soon as you can, and do it. Contact your family, and make sure they are up to date and can start making preparations for you. There's every chance that he will come to his senses at some point during this process, but don't count on it. Treat it like the real break up it is, and don't settle for less than you need.
Candiedlove
New member
My partner and I have a strict "no veto" rule; but we also only bring in partner that are a part of both of our lives, get along with everyone involved, and preferably are close, romantic partners (yes, that limits us a lot, but we're okay with that and understand that not many women will be into both of us).
Sorry that things ended so poorly for you with him; it doesn't sound like you and he have your needs aligned I hope he still remembers his responsibilities as a father... (and if he doesn't, well, that sucks, but it is NOT atypical; his ex completely forgot her responsibilities as a mother and would take off whole weekends, even though the baby would cry for her...So please don't think you are all alone if that should happen to you.)
Sorry that things ended so poorly for you with him; it doesn't sound like you and he have your needs aligned
I hope he still remembers his responsibilities as a father... (and if he doesn't, well, that sucks, but it is NOT atypical; his ex completely forgot her responsibilities as a mother and would take off whole weekends, even though the baby would cry for her...So please don't think you are all alone if that should happen to you.)
reflections
New member
Well, I'm going to voice an opinion on the other side of this question. Let me also say that I don't know the full extent of what you're dealing with, outside of what you said in this and your last thread.
I personally would stay in the relationship, but move out of that house. I'm reminded of the fact that this is the first relationship in which your husband has had outside of his and yours. When my guy started his first relationship, it was incredibly chaotic. Lots of communication problems, I needed to get better at identifying my needs, he needed to get better at being the hinge. I freaked at how fast they were moving, and my belief is that his head got so wrapped up in NRE, which he hasn't experienced in 13 years, that he got lost to me for a bit, as well as us identifying some big gaps in our direct communication. I had trouble eating, sleeping, not thinking about him and her. A few months later, he and I are doing much better, after many, many talks and reconnecting. I told myself during that time that no rash decisions would be made - things would eventually get better (or worse), but right then, I needed time.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you being pregnant and living in the house with him and her in your face all the time. Am I right in saying that you're feeling neglected? I wonder if you can identify what needs you have right now (GalaGirl has a great checklist) and then sit down with hubby and brainstorm how to get those needs met in your relationship. This would NOT be about you saying "Hubby, you can't do X, Y, and Z with her", but rather what things could the two of you do together to get your needs met? I found that the more I focused on what I needed, compared to what my guy was doing in his other relationship, the more my guy was willing to help me out and my needs were more likely to be met. The poly hell article was also hugely normalizing and validating for me to know it wasn't just me.
I don't think you need to make any big life decisions right now, with a baby on the way. I think you and hubby need some time to work on you two, and for you to get out of that living situation. It's one thing if he's saying "no I won't slow things down with her, but how else can I help you through this?". It's another if it's "no I won't slow things down with her and I don't care to fix our relationship." Some physical and emotional space may help, but I don't think you need to end the relationship until you know what place he's coming from and can get his head out of the NRE clouds. Just know that the NRE is time-limited and temporary.
Wishing you the best! Keep us posted.
I personally would stay in the relationship, but move out of that house. I'm reminded of the fact that this is the first relationship in which your husband has had outside of his and yours. When my guy started his first relationship, it was incredibly chaotic. Lots of communication problems, I needed to get better at identifying my needs, he needed to get better at being the hinge. I freaked at how fast they were moving, and my belief is that his head got so wrapped up in NRE, which he hasn't experienced in 13 years, that he got lost to me for a bit, as well as us identifying some big gaps in our direct communication. I had trouble eating, sleeping, not thinking about him and her. A few months later, he and I are doing much better, after many, many talks and reconnecting. I told myself during that time that no rash decisions would be made - things would eventually get better (or worse), but right then, I needed time.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you being pregnant and living in the house with him and her in your face all the time. Am I right in saying that you're feeling neglected? I wonder if you can identify what needs you have right now (GalaGirl has a great checklist) and then sit down with hubby and brainstorm how to get those needs met in your relationship. This would NOT be about you saying "Hubby, you can't do X, Y, and Z with her", but rather what things could the two of you do together to get your needs met? I found that the more I focused on what I needed, compared to what my guy was doing in his other relationship, the more my guy was willing to help me out and my needs were more likely to be met. The poly hell article was also hugely normalizing and validating for me to know it wasn't just me.
I don't think you need to make any big life decisions right now, with a baby on the way. I think you and hubby need some time to work on you two, and for you to get out of that living situation. It's one thing if he's saying "no I won't slow things down with her, but how else can I help you through this?". It's another if it's "no I won't slow things down with her and I don't care to fix our relationship." Some physical and emotional space may help, but I don't think you need to end the relationship until you know what place he's coming from and can get his head out of the NRE clouds. Just know that the NRE is time-limited and temporary.
Wishing you the best! Keep us posted.
This is the type of relationship that you wanted, this is the type of relationship that you agreed to. If things are too hard for you at this moment I don't think it's fair to your husband to make him stop dating the person he was already dating before you decided that it was too hard. Just my opinion of course.
DebbieandRay
New member
In mine and Rays early relationship, I left him three different times. And each time it was because Ray had let his ex-wife and kids move in with us. When Ray's ex and kids lived with us, it was tough, to say the least. The first time I left him was because he wouldn't defend me against his daughter, and I felt that I couldn't trust him at that point.
We were separated for three months that time, and although I moved in with a lover, I missed Ray more than I was hurt by him. I knew I wanted to be with Ray. I just knew I couldn't handle him and his family all living in the same house.
The lover I was living with had another woman living with him at the time I lived with him. I didn't mind sharing my lover with his other GF, but I can say that no matter how happy I was with my lover, I wanted to be with Ray more.
Ray and I got back together when his family moved out of his house. Things were good for some time, then Ray's daughter moved in with us, again. And that was not good. Things were "okay" for about three months, then I couldn't handle it anymore. So, I left Ray again and moved in with an ex BF and his family.
During the time I was away from Ray, I wanted him more than ever. I just couldn't sit in the back seat and have a relationship with him. I tried talking with my ex BFs wife about these things, but she really didn't understand. And she and my ex BF were monogamous.
I moved back in with Ray when his daughter moved out. Every time that me and Ray separated, we still talked. Neither of us wanted to be apart from each other. And we knew it. I just knew I was always the one getting hurt. To this day I find that when it comes to me and Ray and his family, I often get hurt.
The third time that me and Ray separated was when we had allowed his youngest son to move in with us. All hell broke loose. I felt put off, ignored, unloved, unneeded, etc. I wanted to be first in Ray's life, and his family always seems to take first place in his life.
This time, when I had left Ray, I felt that it was for good. I had gotten a place of my own and me and my son had allowed another ex lover to move in with us. For a good six months Ray and I didn't speak to each other much. Ray had moved out of his house and moved in with a guy across town.
At about the five month point, I saw Ray drive past my house. I ran to my car and followed him, and eventually caught up with him. I told Ray that I missed him and that I wanted him back in my life. Although I had a lover living with me, it wasn't the same.
Ray ended up moving into my house with me and my son and my lover. I can't say that things have been easy between me and Ray all the time, but I know that I love him and want him in my life, forever.
My first husband left me when I was six months pregnant with my daughter. That was tough on me, but I made it through. What made it easier for me was realizing that my husband had never really loved me.
The question I have to ask is if you really do love your husband. And if you do love your husband, why do you want him out of your life? Do you think it will be easier to be away from him, or easier on you and the baby once it is born?
Yes, I left my husband three times, but it hurt every time. I don't want that hurt ever again. I put up with my husband's ex and kids because I love him. Ray is not perfect, and neither am I. We all have our faults.
If you do decide to leave your husband, do so only with the knowledge that it was best for you and your child, and for your child to grow up without a father in his/her life.
Although me and Ray have had our problems, I have come to realize that Ray is the best thing to ever happen to me and my kids. That is not to say that I don't get pissed off at Ray at times. That is also not to say that Ray and I don't have our problems. What is does say is that I have been apart from Ray and I didn't like it, and I don't want to be apart from him again, for any real length of time.
I will admit that I do get jealous of the time that Ray spends with his kids and with his ex-wife, but I also know that his kids are his kids and Ray and his ex-wife had a twenty-six year history together.
I say think long and hard about leaving your husband. Think as well about whether you really love him or not. Also try to think of what you or he have given up for each other in the past. And what either of you are willing to lose going forward.
We were separated for three months that time, and although I moved in with a lover, I missed Ray more than I was hurt by him. I knew I wanted to be with Ray. I just knew I couldn't handle him and his family all living in the same house.
The lover I was living with had another woman living with him at the time I lived with him. I didn't mind sharing my lover with his other GF, but I can say that no matter how happy I was with my lover, I wanted to be with Ray more.
Ray and I got back together when his family moved out of his house. Things were good for some time, then Ray's daughter moved in with us, again. And that was not good. Things were "okay" for about three months, then I couldn't handle it anymore. So, I left Ray again and moved in with an ex BF and his family.
During the time I was away from Ray, I wanted him more than ever. I just couldn't sit in the back seat and have a relationship with him. I tried talking with my ex BFs wife about these things, but she really didn't understand. And she and my ex BF were monogamous.
I moved back in with Ray when his daughter moved out. Every time that me and Ray separated, we still talked. Neither of us wanted to be apart from each other. And we knew it. I just knew I was always the one getting hurt. To this day I find that when it comes to me and Ray and his family, I often get hurt.
The third time that me and Ray separated was when we had allowed his youngest son to move in with us. All hell broke loose. I felt put off, ignored, unloved, unneeded, etc. I wanted to be first in Ray's life, and his family always seems to take first place in his life.
This time, when I had left Ray, I felt that it was for good. I had gotten a place of my own and me and my son had allowed another ex lover to move in with us. For a good six months Ray and I didn't speak to each other much. Ray had moved out of his house and moved in with a guy across town.
At about the five month point, I saw Ray drive past my house. I ran to my car and followed him, and eventually caught up with him. I told Ray that I missed him and that I wanted him back in my life. Although I had a lover living with me, it wasn't the same.
Ray ended up moving into my house with me and my son and my lover. I can't say that things have been easy between me and Ray all the time, but I know that I love him and want him in my life, forever.
My first husband left me when I was six months pregnant with my daughter. That was tough on me, but I made it through. What made it easier for me was realizing that my husband had never really loved me.
The question I have to ask is if you really do love your husband. And if you do love your husband, why do you want him out of your life? Do you think it will be easier to be away from him, or easier on you and the baby once it is born?
Yes, I left my husband three times, but it hurt every time. I don't want that hurt ever again. I put up with my husband's ex and kids because I love him. Ray is not perfect, and neither am I. We all have our faults.
If you do decide to leave your husband, do so only with the knowledge that it was best for you and your child, and for your child to grow up without a father in his/her life.
Although me and Ray have had our problems, I have come to realize that Ray is the best thing to ever happen to me and my kids. That is not to say that I don't get pissed off at Ray at times. That is also not to say that Ray and I don't have our problems. What is does say is that I have been apart from Ray and I didn't like it, and I don't want to be apart from him again, for any real length of time.
I will admit that I do get jealous of the time that Ray spends with his kids and with his ex-wife, but I also know that his kids are his kids and Ray and his ex-wife had a twenty-six year history together.
I say think long and hard about leaving your husband. Think as well about whether you really love him or not. Also try to think of what you or he have given up for each other in the past. And what either of you are willing to lose going forward.
I love him alot and don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do anymore. If I ask for monogamy he is so heartbroken because of how much he loves her and if I let them date I am heartbroken because it's not what I want. She told him last night in text she loves him and always will because he gets in her ways her husband never gets her. And he said same. I honestly wanted to just scream at them this morning to divorce us if that is how they felt.
Candiedlove
New member
I get that this is very painful for you. But they don't want to lose you, they love you. As long as you give them any hope-- and not filing divorce papers IS giving them hope-- they'll keep trying.
It's too late to go back to monogamy. Is there no way you can share his love..? You may not be able to, and that's fair. But have you all truly tried to sit down and see how a life together might work?
DebbieandRay
New member
Once you have passed from monogamy, it is very hard to go back, if not impossible.
You may not want what is happening, but it is happening. And you have to deal with it, too. My husband hears me tell my BF that I love him, too. I am not going to lie about that. And my BF does for me things that Ray doesn't. That happens a lot in poly. That is also called balance.
I have never felt that any one man can fulfill all of any woman's wants and/or needs. And the same goes for women being able to fulfill all of a man's wants and/or needs.
I would seriously think before you jump on the divorce train. I don't see where that is going to make anyone happy.
maxnsue
Inactive
Rules get broken all the time as they are just words so I would not count on that. When love is involved, there is not much you can do. A lot of guys want girlfriends and a wife to go home to if they can arrange it. We saw the marriages of most of friends destroyed because one of them fell in love with one of the people that they were dating. We were lucky because my wife and I loved the same woman so it worked for us over a 38 year period. We closed our family and kept it at three because we did not want to risk losing what we had.
My wife says that if you look long enough, you will find someone else to fall in love with and since they are with you just for the fun and games and not having to deal with you on day to day stuff, they always seem more desirable to be with. His girlfriend is not going to nag him about forgetting to put out the garbage or spending too much money on unnecessary things, etc..
To tell the truth, some of what people call poly these days simply means having sex outside of the marriage with permission. I call that an open marriage. In my day, poly meant more of an extended family like we had, not just a fancy word to use when you want to have sex with others. 40+ years of marriage so we must have done something right.
My wife says that if you look long enough, you will find someone else to fall in love with and since they are with you just for the fun and games and not having to deal with you on day to day stuff, they always seem more desirable to be with. His girlfriend is not going to nag him about forgetting to put out the garbage or spending too much money on unnecessary things, etc..
To tell the truth, some of what people call poly these days simply means having sex outside of the marriage with permission. I call that an open marriage. In my day, poly meant more of an extended family like we had, not just a fancy word to use when you want to have sex with others. 40+ years of marriage so we must have done something right.
Livingmybestlife
Member
My understanding from your other thread was you didn't realize till you moved away from your support system that it was for this relationship.
My understanding is until all relationships are stable your shouldn't blend the families, that didn't happen. Your issue with Poly seems to be the lack of respect your getting and the devaluing of your relationship with your husband.
You clearly asked them to go slow. That is a very reasonable request, especially when trapped in the house with them 24/7. However, they emotionally blackmailed you more then once to disregard your feelings and thing only of them. This is a very unhealthful place for your preggo self and your toddler.
I have to say GalaGirl hit it. I wouldn't honestly give them a veto. I would remove myself from the situation. If you veto hubby resents you. I would call whoever I had to and move back to your support system. Don't explain it don't even discuss it. They made their decision not to slow down and then further to treat you in a very poor matter.
Go home and heal. I truly don't believe this is about poly. I believe it is about how your husband values and treats you and he is doing it the poor treatment in collusion with hostess. You are the only person who can allow someone to treat you this way.
I think if they had slowed there roll, allowed you guys into your own place and proceeded with respect you wouldn't be in this place of only wanting poly.
Do not listen to people, who support only poly for poly's sake. Poly is about loving treatment and yes mistakes can be made. However, your health, the health of your unborn child are at risk so get the hell out.
My understanding is until all relationships are stable your shouldn't blend the families, that didn't happen. Your issue with Poly seems to be the lack of respect your getting and the devaluing of your relationship with your husband.
You clearly asked them to go slow. That is a very reasonable request, especially when trapped in the house with them 24/7. However, they emotionally blackmailed you more then once to disregard your feelings and thing only of them. This is a very unhealthful place for your preggo self and your toddler.
I have to say GalaGirl hit it. I wouldn't honestly give them a veto. I would remove myself from the situation. If you veto hubby resents you. I would call whoever I had to and move back to your support system. Don't explain it don't even discuss it. They made their decision not to slow down and then further to treat you in a very poor matter.
Go home and heal. I truly don't believe this is about poly. I believe it is about how your husband values and treats you and he is doing it the poor treatment in collusion with hostess. You are the only person who can allow someone to treat you this way.
I think if they had slowed there roll, allowed you guys into your own place and proceeded with respect you wouldn't be in this place of only wanting poly.
Do not listen to people, who support only poly for poly's sake. Poly is about loving treatment and yes mistakes can be made. However, your health, the health of your unborn child are at risk so get the hell out.
Re (from OP):
I would stay and wouldn't be asking my partner to give that someone up. But my situation isn't your situation. I like being in a poly situation, I know I can trust my partner, and I'm not pregnant while already taking care of a baby.
It seems to me that you and your husband have very opposite feelings about monogamy and polyamory. You absolutely don't want polyamory in your life anymore, and he absolutely doesn't want to give polyamory up. That's a pretty important thing to have such a sharp disagreement on. Unless you can imagine you or him having a change of heart about it in the not-too-distant future, then I'm afraid you're not compatible enough to stay married to each other.
At the very least I would get myself out of that house (if I were you) and give myself some time to detox and think about the situation. Living right there where it's constantly in your face isn't doing you any favors.
I would stay and wouldn't be asking my partner to give that someone up. But my situation isn't your situation. I like being in a poly situation, I know I can trust my partner, and I'm not pregnant while already taking care of a baby.
It seems to me that you and your husband have very opposite feelings about monogamy and polyamory. You absolutely don't want polyamory in your life anymore, and he absolutely doesn't want to give polyamory up. That's a pretty important thing to have such a sharp disagreement on. Unless you can imagine you or him having a change of heart about it in the not-too-distant future, then I'm afraid you're not compatible enough to stay married to each other.
At the very least I would get myself out of that house (if I were you) and give myself some time to detox and think about the situation. Living right there where it's constantly in your face isn't doing you any favors.
maxnsue
Inactive
I would leave. My wife was smart and instead of dating women outside of our marriage, she waited for her bisexual best friend to get divorced and then made her part of our marriage. This avoided her falling in love with someone I did not know. I fell in love with her g/f too and we lived happily for the next 38 years. All of our friends who loved more than their spouses, got divorced. When you have a lover that you only meet for the fun and games in your life, they become more attractive to you than your spouse who you have to deal with on a day to day basis to handle the mundane and boring things in life. There are always conflicts and disagreements. You have none of that with a lover plus you get hooked on the attention that a new lover gives you. And quite frankly, having been there myself, the lover says what you want to hear to get you away from your spouse. Women are very competitive and men just will say anything to get sex.
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