Yesterday we talked

charlie_jumper

New member
Hello

yesterday me and my "wife" talked about her needs.

I told her that i think i would totally fineif she would have a girlfriend. But that i would not be ok with some circumstances.

For Instance we have a female friend (P), i love her (like her) but she is sexually not attractive for me.
I enjoy her beeing around and she is an old friend of my "wife", they had something in the past.
I wouldn`t have a problem if they would have a deeper relationship, because i like her, she is not attractive for me and her husband isn`t attractive for my wife.
If that relationship would be an enrichment for our relationship i only can cheer and be happy! Two thumbs up!

I had spoken out what i can`t think of:
.) If she would find some women that would not get along with me, i would have problem.

.) I would also have a Problem if that women would be attractive to me or if i get feelings for her. My wife also said that she wants a Girlfriend that blongs her, that she is not for me and she only wants her for herself.
I also would not be ok if that Woman has a relationship and my "wife" is attracted to her partner.
Both of that situation are very possible in my eyes.
If i love someone that loves someone elese, i think i`m tend to like that person very much, get feelings for them or feel them attractive.
Maybe i`m somewhat of too naive and i have no experience with that matter.
My wife told me that she do not think at all that something like that would be an issue - she is very shure about that - she doesn`t want a man she wants a women and she said that she even don`t have to get to know the partner of that women and maybe do not even want to know him/her if there would be a partner.
I can only relate to the situations that i know......
For instance my circle of friends: I was ALWAYS attracted to the girlfriends of my closesd friends (if they were a "stayer") but stayed away from them.
I had the Urge to meet with them, but i avoided them because somtimes feelings evolved and i wanted to end that.
I think that was because the few friends that were very close to me and my "heartpeople" choose partners that would be also potentially partners in my eyes. (same moral values, Level of attractivity, same interrests or something in that way)
I don`t can really explain what i mean, but i think you could get what i mean...

.) I said that i would be ok with a Girl when something develops, but i would not be ok when she is active in search of finding someone and "force" it.
She said that of course she has to active search for someone if she wants to find someone, you dont meet them at the trainstation. :D I loughed and said, yeah that is clear (and that i understand it).
So, i said, that i understand that. But when she gets obsessive with that search to find "the one" i would have serious troubles, also when she does not talk about that and would starting to turn away from me started secrets that i don`t be allowed to know.
I have to say that i`m very open with my conversations and love to talk about them.
Also i use my Computer for massaging, the screen is out livingroom TV and i do not use passwords for the desktop etc. so all my messages are open to her.
I hate this secrets like:
.) You aren`t allowed to know this or that
.) You aren`t allowed to talk about this or that with this ir that person
.) You are not allowed to talk to this or that person at all
.....
Secrets like that are tearing me appart (and we have a lot of such secrets, mainly i think because of her family.... In the Past there were her ex Boyfriend too that i wasn`t allowed to talk about some things, etc. but i do not even know anymore what that one was, because i tried to displace/erase that from my mind)
Also there were a friend (N) in our "school" that was a lesbian and i was getting along with her very well. We met a few times alone and shared talks - that was not very good for our relationship - after the nights of talking, i felt my "wife" was very angry and did vocally assauled me sometimes.
There was one situation where i showed (N) my new Flat that i live innow with my Family and my wife was raging about that because i got someone else (that isn`t interrested in Men at all) in "our" flat in a Time where she even wouln`t want to live with me at the time.
The felt hatred was so stong that i decided to not talk to (N) anymore. I avoided her and programmed my Mind to try not liking her at all - i cancled all Contact.
It went so far that i wasn`t ok with the thought that my "wife" would have contact to (N) and my wife said a few times that she hates her (i don`t remeber the exact words), but she was raging about her.
After a while she said that she only was jelous of her (i have to sa "N" is not into men at all).
But now i´m not ok with (N) because i have a simple Mind, i´m a bit of an autistic mind and try to program/train my behavior, my thoughts and my feelings. I did try to take over the hatred as i did before with other people around us with whom my "wife" had Problems with.
I always ally with my wife if she does not like people, even if i have no problem with them in the first place. But if my Wife hates someone or doesn`t get along with them, i also do not get along with them.
I´m also very loyal and i tend to decide some stupid things for life, even if i concider or reflect them in the present. If someone is dead to me - that person is dead for me.
My wife is more "fluid" (a very abstract, stupid and overblown example just to explain what i mead would be: "i hate Putin because of what he does" but when he would switch to helping people, animals and the enviorement she could say "He is a great guy, he did change, just watch what he does good in the world" - I´m on the other hand are the one that would sa "did you forget what he did?! Never forget!! If he does good things now, i love it, but i`m not ok with that person at all")



So the summary is:
If she finds a Girlfriend that i think like and that get along with me and if that would enriches our relationship - that would be totally fine.
If she finds someone that tears us appart or she gets obsessive with her or there is hatred about me or anything that splits us - i wouldn`t get along with that.


And there are also my needs:
I also do have desire (it`s not an urge) to have a girlfriend, but i get sick just even imagine if my wife would get jelous or dislike her.
And i know that i do not have the abilitys to meet someone (I´m uninterresting, unattractive, yadda yadda), and do not want to "force" that. But i would love to have that if she isn`t a Girl from my circle of friends and as my wife said not a circle of her friends either.
I don`t want to break up a relationship either and o not wan`t get into relationshiptroubles (i do not enjoy troubles).
Another need of mine is that i want to get "high" (consume recriational Drugs) and that i want to do that with a loved one. (Im the kind of guy that renouncesomething that i want when it is better for the "whole". so i renounce my needs and not get them fulfilled, i say to me that we do not live in "Disneyland" where we all can get alway what we want when we want it for free and without troubles)
My wife said that she would be ok with both.



That was the content of our conversaition yesterday.
The time i said i`m ok with a girlfirend she cheered, was happy and smiled, she felt very close and that made me happy (and a bit unsafe feeling :D ), but then i must have said something stupid and that triggerd her. I said somthing that bad that she didn´t even want to hug me before we were going to bed (we have seperate bedrooms, i sleep in the room of my daugther, our daughter sleeps in the Bedroom with my wife) and don`t really talked to me anymore.
She get triggered easily, especially when the people are people she doesn`t like (politicans, some familymembers, cardrivers, people with dogs, etc.), remind her about her own past or are very close to her.


Im happy to said what my boundaries are, she said that she is also happy that i can put my boundaries in words.


Do you have Tipps or opinions?
This forum hepled me a lot already - love to all out there
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi charlie_jumper,

It is good that you and your wife are talking. You are finding out what your mutual needs and limits are. If you trigger her somehow, I think you should ask her if you said or did something wrong or triggering, and ask if there's any way you can make it right with her. That would be my only advice. Just keep talking. Communication is one of the most important things in polyamory, the other important things are knowledge and consent. Of course, those things are important in monogamy too.

Keep us posted on future talks and developments!
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

charlie_jumper

New member
I think you should ask her if you said or did something wrong or triggering, and ask if there's any way you can make it right with her.

I did that.
After i triggered her, she did not want to talk anymore, she said that she is tired and wasn`t able to hug me.
I couldn`t sleep very wll, maybe 2 hours and thought about waht i did wrong....
The Thoughts circled in my head and after she was awake, i apologized for that.
I explained that it was not my intention to trigger her and i asked what it was exactly that triggerd her.

She explained that she doesn`t know what it was and maybe she was the one that said somthing that did "pulled the trigger".

So now know nothing more than yesterday.

At the moment i feel an awkward vive that hangs around.
If i try to talk to her - i have the feeling that i might say something wrong.
If i try not to talk and give some space - i have the feeling that i trigger her with "silent tretment".
So we are not able to talk very well at the Moment, we are not able to give good hugs at the Moment.
I write into Forums (mainly hobby Forums) to other People that i know for getting some stressrelief and write some of my sorrows away.
She hangs on her Cellphone and reads a lot, i don`t know what she is reading about and i can`t ask her what she is reading about. But she seems fixated on that Cellphone - i`m fixated on the Computer - but i talk to her what i read and to whom i write.
I can`t stand that feeling of "secrets" but i try as hard as i can to give some Space and i hope that she will open her up to me again.

Also i feel blocked in many ways, i feel like im frozen in my mind and my Body.
I have the feeling of beeing dislocaded from her, and have the feeling of beeing dislocated from my daughter -everything i do could be the wrong thing so i start doing as less wrong stuff as possible.
I have the feeling if it is not her way it is the wrong way - (hard to discribe) i hope the days that i`m alone with my daughter feel mor "free".

At the Moment i have the feeling that she is not very happy at home and her Happyplace is her Therapygroup that she visits daily (mo-fr).
I have the feeling that her Therapygroup switched from supporting her life that she has to beeing the contend of her life.

But that are all my thoughts, my guesses, i do not know what of that is real and what not and how she sees the things. (and it gives me shivers that i not have a chance to know how she sees the things)




Thanks for your Advice - i will see how next week will work out.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
No problem. I hope she will start talking to you soon. If you take a risk by talking to her, and you also take a risk by not talking to her, you are taking a risk either way, in which case I suggest the do-talk-to-her risk. Just a thought.
 

fuchka

Active member
You mention verbal assault, and silent treatment. It's concerning that your wife seems to not communicate with you respectfully. And perhaps you both don't communicate that well overall, as well.

Healthy poly relationships are built on good communication.

Where there's a lack of this, or - worse - a disrespectful or even abusive dynamic - you're in for some rocky times.

You seem very clear about your own feelings and what you might need. The trouble it seems is conveying this to your wife. On her end, she doesn't seem to have a clear sense of her own feelings / reactions. You obviously can only work on your part of the puzzle. If your wife isn't willing to be a decent partner (caring, self-reflective, an active listener and willing to compromise) there's only so much you can do.

Have you considered your exit strategy, if needed? Finances, support systems etc if you had to separate?

I wish you the best of luck in these choppy waters.
 

charlie_jumper

New member
Yesterday we talked again and it was a good talk.
I enjoyed seeing her smile again.
She stated that she can`t stay the "heaviyness" at home at the Time.
I had a hard time the last 2 weeks, but i will come to that below:

You mention verbal assault, and silent treatment. It's concerning that your wife seems to not communicate with you respectfully. And perhaps you both don't communicate that well overall, as well.
We talked about the Communication, and that situation is only existing a few weeks.
It seems that we only clearly remember what what situation we have in the present or the near past.
It also seems that "bad" times come with mor difficulty than the good times.
I quitted my Job at the Begin of February - but i got my "Jobpromise" of the new Job at the end of February, so my company made my life and work as miserable as possible (or as my wife says: i let them do that to me).
In that Time life felt heavy and i brought that heaviness home - that wasn`t healthy for me and especially not healty for my wife either.
Followed by that i had 2 super great first weeks of March, i was happy, and feeled good, also my wife felt good and we talked a lot!
Followed by that my "goodbye" couldn`t be celebrated (because of covid) and my goodby was very difficult and my Boss (she is a narcissist) said litarly "fuck you" to me as i said goodbye.
So i was down, i felt very bad and had 2 weeks of holiday.
I hadn`t the strengh to spend my Time with meaningfull stuff. My best friend was sick to, so we couldn`t meet either.
So i watched a lot of TV (silly Stuff like Joe Rogan Podcasts and some Documentaries) and was looking forward too seeing my Family and spend Time togehter.
But in that time i got sick (i have clusterheadaches and had little attacks at the Night and sometimes before noon) so there were Nights i couldn`t sleep at all and was full of fear.
Also i was full of fear to talk aubut the Clusterheadaches to my wife - thats the only thing i was not honest with her - but i thought that wouldn`t better the situation, she often tells me that "to be honest" doesn`t mean to "talk about everything" and i wanted to keep that heavy load away from her.
She also told me that she couldn`t be ther for me at that times, because she didn`t know how and i must be able to be there for myself.
Thats right. Thats True.
The only thing i did was getting to the doctor, take a bloodtest, checked the parameter and talked with the doctor about my headaches, me insomnia and my sorrows.

So the last 2 weeks felt heavy and she said she wants to escape that. I said that maybe we only remeber the 2 last weeks and the 2 weeks befor we had a really good time.
I think she thought "maybe thats true" and said that that could be possible.


You seem very clear about your own feelings and what you might need.
Thats right. I think about my feelings a lot (since my childhood), i talk about it and i think i know what i need.
I think i`m not good at getting what i need because often that feels selfish for me.
But i`m learning to do that and learn to do what i need when i need that, even that isn`t the best for the others (or even i have the feeling it`s not the best for the others).

On her end, she doesn't seem to have a clear sense of her own feelings / reactions.
That is not true.
She is super aware of that - she talks about that in her Therapy a lot - she has a better sense about her feelings than i do.

Spoiler:
When i write about things, i only write about how i see the situation.
So it could be possible that i distort something and the reader do not have enough insight of what is really going on.
I only talk about my side of the coin.
I have to mention it again, she is very aware of her feelings.
She knows her diagnoses ( i think she is bipolar, but i do not know that exactly, because i do read her diagnoses and i do not think you should people minimize on their diagnoeses) and can interpret her reactions.

You obviously can only work on your part of the puzzle.
Thats true, she also said that.

Have you considered your exit strategy, if needed? Finances, support systems etc if you had to separate?

Yes 2 years ago she felt super bad and sick.
She really really felt down with her life.
She felt that she doesn`t have enough space and that i`m to concerned about her.
At the time she felt bad - i did too - i tried to be ther for her and she said that she aprechiate that, but it felt "too much" and brought a heaviness to it.
So we planned to seperate and got to the court and figured out the alimony for our daughter so she has the possibillity to get a "Flat from the State" (a cheap flat).
I allowed to let that all happen and she felt so much reliefed that we both had 1,5 super good years toghether.
She has had her healthproblems in that time too but they got better and better - yesterday i mentioned that as a very positive thing to see how she feels better and better.

Maybe we are now at the Point to sepperate again.
When i have to pay alimonys i maybe have to get a better job, sell my house and sell my flat (its my property) to get a smaller one for rent....
I´m very concerned about that, but i do not want to mention that either in a conversation - as she says "to be honest doesn`t mean to tell about everything".
I do not want to loose my Flat, or my house or my wife and my daughter (i think a sepperation would make all a bit more complicated).But i can´t afford the house anymore, because at the moment i pay all the bills for the house and the Flat, she pays for the Car, for the school and other stuff (she does not work at the moment and has less money).

I have enough money, but not enough income to pay the bills if i need to pay alimonys, also i do not want to live at the current flat and that house anymore if my wife leaves me.
Then i want to move on and get another home without stuff that olways that are a memory of the times of sepperation.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I caught up on your posts. Even though English is not your first language, I think you are doing well. :)

You seem to have a complicated relationship with your wife. Between the cheating so much in the past, bipolar, her saying she was going to kill herself, the verbal assault...

And now you wondering if poly is a good thing to do right now or if it's better to separate?

If I am totally honest? I'd think about a separation. You were already separating before. Polyamory adds a lot of stresses which inevitably shines a light on all the cracks.

You also sound more realistic than your wife about time management, getting caught up in NRE, etc.

I am concerned that you have grown up thinking you have to "avoid love" and that you seem to have developed a bad habit of talking down about yourself like you are "boring."

To me you just sound like you cleaned up your life, dislike big groups of people events geared toward extrovers (ex: public parties, concerts) and prefer smaller, more introverted groups.

Your hobbies? I might not be into all of them but they sound interesting. And I notice they lean toward the "alone and smaller groups" end of things. That's how I am. I like doing things alone and in small groups and the idea of theme parking once in a while doesn't turn me off, but it IS larger groups of people. If I am going to do it? I prefer little coffee house things like a cozy open mic to a big stadium concert.

I think it is ok to be however it is you are.

It is also ok to let wife go so she can do whatever. You don't say it outright but it's almost like you wonder if she's using therapy group to escape reality.

I hate this secrets like:
.) You aren`t allowed to know this or that
.) You aren`t allowed to talk about this or that with this ir that person
.) You are not allowed to talk to this or that person at all

I don't know the details of all that. But to me? She could stop talking like she's the boss of all.

1) You aren`t allowed to know this or that

If you inquire about something politely and she doesn't want to share? She could say "Thanks for your concern, but no. No need to worry about it for my sake" or "I'm not at a place where I want to talk about that."

2) You aren`t allowed to talk about this or that with this ir that person

Actually, you can talk about whatever you want with someone else so long as they are ok with it, and it is YOUR stuff. Like you don't out your wife or talk about HER stuff. But if you like video games and want to talk about it with whoever? Go ahead. What's it hurting?

It's not like you are telling them about HER stuff like what her fav position for sex is. Sheesh.

3) You are not allowed to talk to this or that person at all

Like WHO? Unless there's a specific issue with a person that is a reasonable and rational request? (Ex: Please don't talk to my ex boss who used to try to get fresh and handsy. That person creeps me out)

I think you are an adult who can decide who you feel like chatting with.

It is not selfish to meet your own needs.

Selfish is "Me! Me! Neglect you and everyone else! All your attention should be on me!"

Selfless is "Them! Them! All my attention is on them. I ignore or neglect me."

The balanced place in the middle according to Marshall Rosenberg is self-full. More like...

"I take care of my own basic needs first so I am taking care of my own well-being. Then I can think about helping to meet other people's RATIONAL and REASONABLE requests and contributing to their well being."

I have enough money, but not enough income to pay the bills if i need to pay alimonys, also i do not want to live at the current flat and that house anymore if my wife leaves me.
Then i want to move on and get another home without stuff that olways that are a memory of the times of sepperation.

How about a trial separation? If there is no renter in the flat? You move out to live in it. And wife takes the home. Or the other way around. And you co-parent the child. And wife starts looking for a job. Because eventually? You want to sell both and she can do the govt flat and you get your own flat that has no memories attached to it for a fresh start.

Each one can date however they want to.

After a year's trial separation? You can either try to repair the marriage and move on to other housing without bad memories to live together in.

Or simply move on to divorce with more certainly. And be divorced co-parents. And move on to other housing to live separately at. That's what I would suggest.

If the bottom line is that she's drinking too much and wants to go back to an extroverted partying lifestyle? And you want to focus on your career, kid, and a more chill, introverted lifestyle? Maybe with a little marijuana once in a while?

It may be you have become incompatible.

Galagirl
 
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charlie_jumper

New member
Firstly thanks for your comment.
It feels good to read positive response.


1) You aren`t allowed to know this or that

If you inquire about something politely and she doesn't want to share? She could say "Thanks for your concern, but no. No need to worry about it for my sake" or "I'm not at a place where I want to talk about that."

If im`m honest - i maybe have some problems with the old "receiving the send message" thing.
I think she is exactly saying stuff like "I'm not at a place where I want to talk about that" or "No need to worry about it for my sake", but i receive stuff like "it's none of your business" and similar phrases.
I think she got very good at appreciative communication.

So thanks for your respont - it helps me think about how to "unscramble" the words.
Im not good at all in appreciative communication and i´m a bit "autistic" so i often do not "get" "normal" people :D

2) You aren`t allowed to talk about this or that with this ir that person

Actually, you can talk about whatever you want with someone else so long as they are ok with it, and it is YOUR stuff. Like you don't out your wife or talk about HER stuff. But if you like video games and want to talk about it with whoever? Go ahead. What's it hurting?

Thats true, she never says that i´m not allowed to talk about MY stuff with the People I know.
But if i talk about "our" stuff or with people she knows, there are some boundaries that i aren`t "allowed" to pass.
For instance if i say something stupid about "my stuff" in front of people we both know, than it is connected to her also and maybe she is embarresed for me - there were times where she had the feeling of loosing her good reputation.
I rhink it is very important to her to make a good impression to strangers and People that are not "friends".
I´m on the other hand are straightup dumb if i can say that.
I talk about stuff very openly and do not think about it 2 or three times befor i say something.
I talk like i think and i talk very honest - but that leads to say silly or maybe even hurtful stuff to others.
(but i do not have problems with that when people are close to me - i only have problems with that wen i meet some people that do not get along with me in the first place)

My "wife" is very sensible and if i say something honest or hurtful to her i could thought 3 times about how i try to put my thought into words. (but on the other Hand i`m a whuzz too, i`m very fast very upset because i`m also very sensible :D )

3) You are not allowed to talk to this or that person at all

Like WHO?
I can`t write about that, because this a public Forum and i do not want to get any sensitive informations aout without permission.
But that are people that she can`t talk with either.
That are "close" people that she do not want any connection with or people she doesn`t want any contact with.
I mostly respect that and i also do not want to talk with them because my "Wife" was hurt by them - and i`m loyal.



The balanced place in the middle according to Marshall Rosenberg is self-full. More like...

"I take care of my own basic needs first so I am taking care of my own well-being. Then I can think about helping to meet other people's RATIONAL and REASONABLE requests and contributing to their well being."

I have to learn that - this is not an ability that i`m in control of.



PS:
Sorry for my Bad English.
If i try to write something on my Phone, i have to correct every word 3 times because there is that "Autocorrect" feature and that thinks i want to write German.....
So every word i try to write is jibberish and i do not notice some of the Mistakes.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
So thanks for your respont - it helps me think about how to "unscramble" the words.
Im not good at all in appreciative communication and i´m a bit "autistic" so i often do not "get" "normal" people :D

Thanks for clarifying. I understand that certain things can be harder for autistic people. Some don't "do facial expression" well, some don't "do words well."

Would it help any to get in to the habit of repeating back what was say? "I heard you say ____. Is that how you meant it?" Or not worthwhile and it's more about you learning to talk to YOURSELF in a better way?

Might also consider looking up Marshall Rosenberg to see which of the Non-Violent Communication books have been translated to German.

For instance if i say something stupid about "my stuff" in front of people we both know, than it is connected to her also and maybe she is embarresed for me - there were times where she had the feeling of loosing her good reputation.

How?

I can feel embarassed for my spouse if he spills coffee on himself by accident. Or says a goofy thing since he's trying to learn Spanish and it comes clunky. But that doesn't reflect on my reputation any. He's him. I'm me.
Accidents happen, and of course sometimes language learners do goofy stuff. They are learning. It's normal to sound funny trying new words out.

You don't sound like you are doing anything malicious or on purpose. It's ok to make mistakes or have accidents.

That's what giving people some grace is for. We are all human.

I rhink it is very important to her to make a good impression to strangers and People that are not "friends".
I´m on the other hand are straightup dumb if i can say that.

Not sure if that's language translator bot or you actually calling yourself names. If you are? You could work to stop that. And not allow others to do that.

I talk about stuff very openly and do not think about it 2 or three times befor i say something.
I talk like i think and i talk very honest - but that leads to say silly or maybe even hurtful stuff to others.
(but i do not have problems with that when people are close to me - i only have problems with that wen i meet some people that do not get along with me in the first place)

So... where is the problem then?

The people that didn't get along with you in the first place? They still dont' get on with you.

The people that are close to you? They are fine.

Is the problem that your wife picks at you for not being "perfect" because she is too caught up or enmeshed with you? Like whatever you do is a reflection on her rather than you being TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE? So then she gets upset because she wanted to impress the new strangers?

My "wife" is very sensible and if i say something honest or hurtful to her i could thought 3 times about how i try to put my thought into words. (but on the other Hand i`m a whuzz too, i`m very fast very upset because i`m also very sensible :D )

Could you please be willing to clarify? Did you mean "sensitive" rather than "sensible?"

If so? Maybe both could work on emotional resilience and not taking things so hard or so personally.

Galagirl
 
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charlie_jumper

New member
Thanks for clarifying. I understand that certain things can be harder for autistic people. Some don't "do facial expression" well, some don't "do words well."
Ok, now i have to clarify again ^^
Thanks for that.
My "Wife" isn`t actually married with me, but we know each other for 12 Years and it started as an on off relationship where i was somewhat of "hidden" from certain people (e.g. her Family). At the Time we had that "on/off thing" she had a Boyfriend for 2 or 3 months that she introduced to her family, but at the time we saw each other the first time again she left him.
She also had her ex-boyfriend (her one only real love in her life as she called him many times) that we both take care of and helped him to get along with his life, to get an education and hold to that, get along with his addiction, helped him with money/finances und daily struggles with life.
As she said "ok, it`s enough, i hate him, he isn`t good for me" (it was i love him - i hate him thing and he was a very narcisstic in my eyes, he also did say that she isn`t worth a lot, shes a slut, shes "ugly", ...) we moved together in our current home and were in a "offical relationship" that could be admited to everyone without hiding.
So she is my Girlfriend, but i call her my "wife" because we are 12 years in a relationship, we live together and we have a 7 year old daughter.

Also i`m not autistic.
Some people say i hve a bit of an "autistic" tendence or mind and in my childhood i was tested if i`m autistic.
With 18 i took therapy and was tested again if i`m autistic - i felt like an "alien" my whole life till i met my "wife" who gave me the feeling that i`m not that unnormal as i tend to think or that was told me by other people.
I was diagnosed with a suspicion of shizoid personality disorder. But a friend of mine that is a therapist says that that can`t be true, maybe i have the tendence to that but i`m not really that way.


Would it help any to get in to the habit of repeating back what was say? "I heard you say ____. Is that how you meant it?" Or not worthwhile and it's more about you learning to talk to YOURSELF in a better way?
Yes that would help.
I had that suggested already by her a "few" times. With "few" i mean many times :D

Might also consider looking up Marshall Rosenberg to see which of the Non-Violent Communication books have been translated to German.
Yes, that was suggested by her as well. She loved his Tipps and she said that it helped her to learn how to communicate things.
But i have a little problem with "guides" and stuff like this - i do not like the feeling to read a lot about "one thing" or to rad a lot from "one person" or generally read a "guide to how things work if they are from one person", because i tend to take over all of that or try to take over that or have the feeling to be obliged to take over what that person says.
It`s complicated to explain....
I feel like i take over a different identety if i read al lot of one others suggestions - i feel manipulated in some way.
I also feel that if i think "wow, all of that is true" i completly fade from reallity - that is iften a thing what i`m often can watch on other people when they read conspiracy theories. They competly loose their selfawareness of things and take over (mostly silly) opinions and stuff.
Maybe that is how i can explain my thoughts - i often felt to not be myself after reading some "guidelines" or "guidebooks" or "books that help with certain things".
After i read books with a lot of tipps or thoughts to concider, i often feel remotecontrolled and do not feel myself in my Body, i have Feeling to see me Outsider from my body. People that use tryptamine drugs call that an outer body expirience - that ist how i feel.
It`silly....

Because i visit forums and ask for help or guides also....

I have a problem if the things and thought aren`t completly from my inner self - i also do not get along with public laws and stuff. If i often do not know why anything is forbidden by law, so i completly ignore that and do what i think it is right or wrong.


PS: i know Rosenberg, but i couldn't adapt his tipps Info my life yet.

Not sure if that's language translator bot or you actually calling yourself names. If you are? You could work to stop that. And not allow others to do that.
Maybe "dumb" is a negative word.
I'm a bit "goofy" and i'm not very bright, often i'm a bit clownish.
If i'm Happy fulfilled and feel Well around People, i have that "slapstickish" behavior that People can observe when i do something Like cooking, Sports, repairing Things, Gardening, etc.
You could compare it with Alf, or Harry from the Hendersons, or Urkle from Family Matters or Tim from Home improvement (that are TV Shows) for an impression.

So... where is the problem then?

The people that didn't get along with you in the first place? They still dont' get on with you.

Yes, there is no problem :D

So then she gets upset because she wanted to impress the new strangers?

I would say that she do not want to impress people, but she like to make a good impression to the.
That happened a lot of times.

Could you please be willing to clarify? Did you mean "sensitive" rather than "sensible?"
Yes, i mean sensetive.
In German we say sensible....
 
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