charlie_jumper
New member
Hello
yesterday me and my "wife" talked about her needs.
I told her that i think i would totally fineif she would have a girlfriend. But that i would not be ok with some circumstances.
For Instance we have a female friend (P), i love her (like her) but she is sexually not attractive for me.
I enjoy her beeing around and she is an old friend of my "wife", they had something in the past.
I wouldn`t have a problem if they would have a deeper relationship, because i like her, she is not attractive for me and her husband isn`t attractive for my wife.
If that relationship would be an enrichment for our relationship i only can cheer and be happy! Two thumbs up!
I had spoken out what i can`t think of:
.) If she would find some women that would not get along with me, i would have problem.
.) I would also have a Problem if that women would be attractive to me or if i get feelings for her. My wife also said that she wants a Girlfriend that blongs her, that she is not for me and she only wants her for herself.
I also would not be ok if that Woman has a relationship and my "wife" is attracted to her partner.
Both of that situation are very possible in my eyes.
If i love someone that loves someone elese, i think i`m tend to like that person very much, get feelings for them or feel them attractive.
Maybe i`m somewhat of too naive and i have no experience with that matter.
My wife told me that she do not think at all that something like that would be an issue - she is very shure about that - she doesn`t want a man she wants a women and she said that she even don`t have to get to know the partner of that women and maybe do not even want to know him/her if there would be a partner.
I can only relate to the situations that i know......
For instance my circle of friends: I was ALWAYS attracted to the girlfriends of my closesd friends (if they were a "stayer") but stayed away from them.
I had the Urge to meet with them, but i avoided them because somtimes feelings evolved and i wanted to end that.
I think that was because the few friends that were very close to me and my "heartpeople" choose partners that would be also potentially partners in my eyes. (same moral values, Level of attractivity, same interrests or something in that way)
I don`t can really explain what i mean, but i think you could get what i mean...
.) I said that i would be ok with a Girl when something develops, but i would not be ok when she is active in search of finding someone and "force" it.
She said that of course she has to active search for someone if she wants to find someone, you dont meet them at the trainstation. I loughed and said, yeah that is clear (and that i understand it).
So, i said, that i understand that. But when she gets obsessive with that search to find "the one" i would have serious troubles, also when she does not talk about that and would starting to turn away from me started secrets that i don`t be allowed to know.
I have to say that i`m very open with my conversations and love to talk about them.
Also i use my Computer for massaging, the screen is out livingroom TV and i do not use passwords for the desktop etc. so all my messages are open to her.
I hate this secrets like:
.) You aren`t allowed to know this or that
.) You aren`t allowed to talk about this or that with this ir that person
.) You are not allowed to talk to this or that person at all
.....
Secrets like that are tearing me appart (and we have a lot of such secrets, mainly i think because of her family.... In the Past there were her ex Boyfriend too that i wasn`t allowed to talk about some things, etc. but i do not even know anymore what that one was, because i tried to displace/erase that from my mind)
Also there were a friend (N) in our "school" that was a lesbian and i was getting along with her very well. We met a few times alone and shared talks - that was not very good for our relationship - after the nights of talking, i felt my "wife" was very angry and did vocally assauled me sometimes.
There was one situation where i showed (N) my new Flat that i live innow with my Family and my wife was raging about that because i got someone else (that isn`t interrested in Men at all) in "our" flat in a Time where she even wouln`t want to live with me at the time.
The felt hatred was so stong that i decided to not talk to (N) anymore. I avoided her and programmed my Mind to try not liking her at all - i cancled all Contact.
It went so far that i wasn`t ok with the thought that my "wife" would have contact to (N) and my wife said a few times that she hates her (i don`t remeber the exact words), but she was raging about her.
After a while she said that she only was jelous of her (i have to sa "N" is not into men at all).
But now i´m not ok with (N) because i have a simple Mind, i´m a bit of an autistic mind and try to program/train my behavior, my thoughts and my feelings. I did try to take over the hatred as i did before with other people around us with whom my "wife" had Problems with.
I always ally with my wife if she does not like people, even if i have no problem with them in the first place. But if my Wife hates someone or doesn`t get along with them, i also do not get along with them.
I´m also very loyal and i tend to decide some stupid things for life, even if i concider or reflect them in the present. If someone is dead to me - that person is dead for me.
My wife is more "fluid" (a very abstract, stupid and overblown example just to explain what i mead would be: "i hate Putin because of what he does" but when he would switch to helping people, animals and the enviorement she could say "He is a great guy, he did change, just watch what he does good in the world" - I´m on the other hand are the one that would sa "did you forget what he did?! Never forget!! If he does good things now, i love it, but i`m not ok with that person at all")
So the summary is:
If she finds a Girlfriend that i think like and that get along with me and if that would enriches our relationship - that would be totally fine.
If she finds someone that tears us appart or she gets obsessive with her or there is hatred about me or anything that splits us - i wouldn`t get along with that.
And there are also my needs:
I also do have desire (it`s not an urge) to have a girlfriend, but i get sick just even imagine if my wife would get jelous or dislike her.
And i know that i do not have the abilitys to meet someone (I´m uninterresting, unattractive, yadda yadda), and do not want to "force" that. But i would love to have that if she isn`t a Girl from my circle of friends and as my wife said not a circle of her friends either.
I don`t want to break up a relationship either and o not wan`t get into relationshiptroubles (i do not enjoy troubles).
Another need of mine is that i want to get "high" (consume recriational Drugs) and that i want to do that with a loved one. (Im the kind of guy that renouncesomething that i want when it is better for the "whole". so i renounce my needs and not get them fulfilled, i say to me that we do not live in "Disneyland" where we all can get alway what we want when we want it for free and without troubles)
My wife said that she would be ok with both.
That was the content of our conversaition yesterday.
The time i said i`m ok with a girlfirend she cheered, was happy and smiled, she felt very close and that made me happy (and a bit unsafe feeling ), but then i must have said something stupid and that triggerd her. I said somthing that bad that she didn´t even want to hug me before we were going to bed (we have seperate bedrooms, i sleep in the room of my daugther, our daughter sleeps in the Bedroom with my wife) and don`t really talked to me anymore.
She get triggered easily, especially when the people are people she doesn`t like (politicans, some familymembers, cardrivers, people with dogs, etc.), remind her about her own past or are very close to her.
Im happy to said what my boundaries are, she said that she is also happy that i can put my boundaries in words.
Do you have Tipps or opinions?
This forum hepled me a lot already - love to all out there
yesterday me and my "wife" talked about her needs.
I told her that i think i would totally fineif she would have a girlfriend. But that i would not be ok with some circumstances.
For Instance we have a female friend (P), i love her (like her) but she is sexually not attractive for me.
I enjoy her beeing around and she is an old friend of my "wife", they had something in the past.
I wouldn`t have a problem if they would have a deeper relationship, because i like her, she is not attractive for me and her husband isn`t attractive for my wife.
If that relationship would be an enrichment for our relationship i only can cheer and be happy! Two thumbs up!
I had spoken out what i can`t think of:
.) If she would find some women that would not get along with me, i would have problem.
.) I would also have a Problem if that women would be attractive to me or if i get feelings for her. My wife also said that she wants a Girlfriend that blongs her, that she is not for me and she only wants her for herself.
I also would not be ok if that Woman has a relationship and my "wife" is attracted to her partner.
Both of that situation are very possible in my eyes.
If i love someone that loves someone elese, i think i`m tend to like that person very much, get feelings for them or feel them attractive.
Maybe i`m somewhat of too naive and i have no experience with that matter.
My wife told me that she do not think at all that something like that would be an issue - she is very shure about that - she doesn`t want a man she wants a women and she said that she even don`t have to get to know the partner of that women and maybe do not even want to know him/her if there would be a partner.
I can only relate to the situations that i know......
For instance my circle of friends: I was ALWAYS attracted to the girlfriends of my closesd friends (if they were a "stayer") but stayed away from them.
I had the Urge to meet with them, but i avoided them because somtimes feelings evolved and i wanted to end that.
I think that was because the few friends that were very close to me and my "heartpeople" choose partners that would be also potentially partners in my eyes. (same moral values, Level of attractivity, same interrests or something in that way)
I don`t can really explain what i mean, but i think you could get what i mean...
.) I said that i would be ok with a Girl when something develops, but i would not be ok when she is active in search of finding someone and "force" it.
She said that of course she has to active search for someone if she wants to find someone, you dont meet them at the trainstation. I loughed and said, yeah that is clear (and that i understand it).
So, i said, that i understand that. But when she gets obsessive with that search to find "the one" i would have serious troubles, also when she does not talk about that and would starting to turn away from me started secrets that i don`t be allowed to know.
I have to say that i`m very open with my conversations and love to talk about them.
Also i use my Computer for massaging, the screen is out livingroom TV and i do not use passwords for the desktop etc. so all my messages are open to her.
I hate this secrets like:
.) You aren`t allowed to know this or that
.) You aren`t allowed to talk about this or that with this ir that person
.) You are not allowed to talk to this or that person at all
.....
Secrets like that are tearing me appart (and we have a lot of such secrets, mainly i think because of her family.... In the Past there were her ex Boyfriend too that i wasn`t allowed to talk about some things, etc. but i do not even know anymore what that one was, because i tried to displace/erase that from my mind)
Also there were a friend (N) in our "school" that was a lesbian and i was getting along with her very well. We met a few times alone and shared talks - that was not very good for our relationship - after the nights of talking, i felt my "wife" was very angry and did vocally assauled me sometimes.
There was one situation where i showed (N) my new Flat that i live innow with my Family and my wife was raging about that because i got someone else (that isn`t interrested in Men at all) in "our" flat in a Time where she even wouln`t want to live with me at the time.
The felt hatred was so stong that i decided to not talk to (N) anymore. I avoided her and programmed my Mind to try not liking her at all - i cancled all Contact.
It went so far that i wasn`t ok with the thought that my "wife" would have contact to (N) and my wife said a few times that she hates her (i don`t remeber the exact words), but she was raging about her.
After a while she said that she only was jelous of her (i have to sa "N" is not into men at all).
But now i´m not ok with (N) because i have a simple Mind, i´m a bit of an autistic mind and try to program/train my behavior, my thoughts and my feelings. I did try to take over the hatred as i did before with other people around us with whom my "wife" had Problems with.
I always ally with my wife if she does not like people, even if i have no problem with them in the first place. But if my Wife hates someone or doesn`t get along with them, i also do not get along with them.
I´m also very loyal and i tend to decide some stupid things for life, even if i concider or reflect them in the present. If someone is dead to me - that person is dead for me.
My wife is more "fluid" (a very abstract, stupid and overblown example just to explain what i mead would be: "i hate Putin because of what he does" but when he would switch to helping people, animals and the enviorement she could say "He is a great guy, he did change, just watch what he does good in the world" - I´m on the other hand are the one that would sa "did you forget what he did?! Never forget!! If he does good things now, i love it, but i`m not ok with that person at all")
So the summary is:
If she finds a Girlfriend that i think like and that get along with me and if that would enriches our relationship - that would be totally fine.
If she finds someone that tears us appart or she gets obsessive with her or there is hatred about me or anything that splits us - i wouldn`t get along with that.
And there are also my needs:
I also do have desire (it`s not an urge) to have a girlfriend, but i get sick just even imagine if my wife would get jelous or dislike her.
And i know that i do not have the abilitys to meet someone (I´m uninterresting, unattractive, yadda yadda), and do not want to "force" that. But i would love to have that if she isn`t a Girl from my circle of friends and as my wife said not a circle of her friends either.
I don`t want to break up a relationship either and o not wan`t get into relationshiptroubles (i do not enjoy troubles).
Another need of mine is that i want to get "high" (consume recriational Drugs) and that i want to do that with a loved one. (Im the kind of guy that renouncesomething that i want when it is better for the "whole". so i renounce my needs and not get them fulfilled, i say to me that we do not live in "Disneyland" where we all can get alway what we want when we want it for free and without troubles)
My wife said that she would be ok with both.
That was the content of our conversaition yesterday.
The time i said i`m ok with a girlfirend she cheered, was happy and smiled, she felt very close and that made me happy (and a bit unsafe feeling ), but then i must have said something stupid and that triggerd her. I said somthing that bad that she didn´t even want to hug me before we were going to bed (we have seperate bedrooms, i sleep in the room of my daugther, our daughter sleeps in the Bedroom with my wife) and don`t really talked to me anymore.
She get triggered easily, especially when the people are people she doesn`t like (politicans, some familymembers, cardrivers, people with dogs, etc.), remind her about her own past or are very close to her.
Im happy to said what my boundaries are, she said that she is also happy that i can put my boundaries in words.
Do you have Tipps or opinions?
This forum hepled me a lot already - love to all out there
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