Your partner with others/ Dealing with jealousy?

[polylearning]

Hi again everyone !
This is still very new to me,
I wouldn't class my relationship as polyamorous but more so non monogamist with hopes to turn into poly- I'm just trying to work out all the dos and donts and work through the basic instinct which is jealousy.
I recognise that I have insecurities that my partner will end up sleeping with someone who he develops for feelings for and will intern be bored of me and leave despite the many times he reassures me this is not the case.
He's also expressed he does have the same insecurities but he has been in a non monogamist before so has more experience in the control of his emotions.

I'm trying to get to the point of comperison- because i do genuinely love when he tells me about the girls he sleeps with and how much fun he had- and he feels the same when I'm with my guys.
Problem is I sleep with my friends, i don't like sleeping with strangers and even if I'm not friends with them that well afterwards we become friends and they go back to being a non sexual being in my eyes.
Our arguments stem from me having double standards- i don't like the idea that a girl could get attached to him after sleeping with him because girls tend to do this and i don't like the idea of the grooming stages- i get this has to happen with girls because they need to feel a little connection to sex whereas if you ask a guy hell more than likely be up for it regardless.
I thought i would want to hear everything that was said and what she was sending him and vice versa but i have jealousy everytime although i am excited for him to sleep with the girls.
Is this normal ?
if so what are some coping mechanisms ?
he's never cheated he's never done anything to make me feel like he would leave its purely my own insecurities but how can i learn to handle jealousy?
A lot of my insecurities stem from my previous Monogamist relationship (cheating, mental abuse i dealt with) but I'm trying not to carry that over.

I do 100% want to have a non monogamist relationship theres no doubt in my mind but its frustrating, i hate having arguments about it because i feel guilty feeling this way seeing as i want it.

Also in your relationships
Do you like to here/see the grooming stages or do you just let them do it themselves without you knowing all the details ?
and do you want to hear about the sex afterwards and how much fun they had ?

 

[tenK]

I don't want to hear the intimate details of my partner's other relationships. The broad brush stuff? Yes, I'd like to know that. Things like whether she's currently talking to anyone interesting online, if and when she's looking to arrange a date or a first meet, a bit of a bio of who she's intending to see. For more regular folk she dates we talk about them and what's going on in their life, and I usually meet them too and we hang out a bit. Basically I want to know stuff that either might affect my plans with her, or is just general 'catch up' stuff of things that are going on in her life. I assume that she has good sex with the people she's hooking up with, and that if she weren't, she'd not be dating them. However, I don't need to know any specifics. It's not that I'm particularly prudish - we've had group sex and I've seen her being sexual with other people before and that doesn't usually cause any negative feelings for either of us - but it's just her private life, you know?

I would say that you have no real business wanting to read his communications with other people. How would you feel about those other people getting to read your communications with him? If you're not comfortable with either of you forming emotional connections with the people you fuck, you need to be clear on that with him, and you need to be clear with the people you're getting involved in. Look into swinging, because that's the model of non-monogamy you're after. If he's after something more polyamorous, involving romantic as well as sexual connections, and you're not, then you need to figure out if this is ever going to be ok for you. For the vast majority of us, it's very hard to not develop feelings for people we are physically intimate with. Better to not go there at all, and perhaps think about whether you two are as well suited as you originally thought, than invite that particular genie out of the bottle.

If you want to get over your insecurity and jealousy though, then it totally can be done. But it might be the start of a painful process, and it might be better if you're not both actively seriously dating while that happens, since you'll be juggling a lot of balls in the air so to speak, and the chances of you, him and anyone who has the misfortune to get involved with either of you getting hurt, is quite high.

 

[Deleted member 157725]

None of these apply to me. One partner it's like when your a teenager and you gossip, another I'm still working it out and one who seems to have become done with me it depended and it was difficult to judge.

In summary it depends on the person.

 

[Dagferi]

None apply to me..

Both my husbands are monogamous.

Even if they weren't I would have to still say none of the above. I would answer no because I believe over sharing is an invasion of privacy of the other partner.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't need to hear about *sex*, though if I do I may be both pleased and/or a little jealous. I enjoy hearing about fun bdsm activities, if he goes to a workshop or something.

 

[breathemusic]

I don't necessarily "want" to hear details of my partner's sexy times in the sense that I don't really ask, but I have no problem with hearing them and am happy if he is happy and having fun. I do like hearing about things that he's tried in the past in the sense that I like continuing to learn what he's into, what he's tried and isn't into, etc. Sometimes this comes out as hearing semi-details of a sexual encounter, sometimes it's more broad/vague.

But I NEVER ask specifically about encounters in the sense of "what sexy stuff did you do with X last night?" That just feels too.... prying to me. If he decided to volunteer it, then so be it (though that never really happens in detail anyway). I do generally want to know when he's talking to someone new, when he thinks things are moving into sexy-time stages of a relationship, etc.

 

[central]

I've occasionally had some jealous twinges, but I've always been able to work through them on my own or with a little reassurance. My wife has a lot less of such concerns, but even she has occasionally had them. We've been able to talk them through when they occur, and for the most part we are honestly happy for each other when we have more love and good experiences with someone else. We've even done some threesomes, and those have worked well - there seems to be fewer worries when you can see that there is nothing really different or more special about someone else than there is with you.

I think the biggest source of potential jealousy has more to do with possible envy - if one of us had a serious love interest and the other wasn't having any success finding that. This could be especially so if a lot of time is spent with another partner, that would otherwise be spent with you.

 

[PinkPig]

None of the answers applied to me, either. I do not want to hear specifics or details about Blue's sex life apart from me. As for whether it would make me jealous, that really depends on the individual relationship. I tend to have less/minimal jealousy when I know/have met the other woman. If I've never met her and don't know much about her, I am more inclined to feel jealous...especially if I perceive that it's because she doesn't want to meet me (I do understand and respect why a metamore would not want to meet me but it doesn't change how I feel. If we are on friendly terms, I tend to feel more compersion, less jealousy.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hi polylearning,

As far as hearing about the grooming stages, I could take it or leave it. I don't need to hear every little detail, but if my partner wants to share every little detail that is fine too.

I don't know if I would want to do a threesome, I guess I'm a little uneasy about that.

People are often jealous, both in and out of poly. In case it will help, I'll tell you some of the links I've found:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

That's all I have for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Mya]

For me the answer is almost always yes: I'm happy to know if they're happy to share. But how I feel after depends on how it's going between me and the partner in question. If we're having problems (especially sexual problems), them talking about the good sex they're having with someone else can feel quite bad. But if we're doing well, them having a good time with other people just makes me happy.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

I don't want to hear about the sexual details. It feels both like an invasion of my meta's privacy (I wouldn't want my partner talking about details of our sex life to my meta, so why should I hear about details of their sex life), and hearing the details tends to make me insecure (not jealous). I do however want to know whether they are engaging in sexual activities and whether everyone is above-board with testing. Once I know that, that is where my interest in knowing anything about my partners' sex lives ends.

 

[Spork]

I want to hear about everything. I feel way more jealous of unknowns, my jealousy is rooted in insecurity...if I know what's going on, I feel far more secure. The more I know, the better I feel about it.

Also, I am way more jealous of casual things, than I am of loving relationships. I don't understand the "I'm ok with my partner having just sex with another person but no feelings allowed" deal...I would be far more comfortable with a partner who had another solid partner, than I even am thinking about my lover enjoying pornography. For most people porn doesn't count, for some reason with me, it does. But he's got a wife or another gal, especially if I've got a positive relationship of some kind with her, too? Awesome!

My own brand of insecurity can be really weird, I sometimes think.